CW: A thread for survivors of childhood familial CSA

[SurvivorSister]

I'm starting this thread as a space for people who experienced sexual abuse in childhood from relatives.

There are far too many of us who were abused by our elder brothers, our fathers, our uncles, our cousins. The taboos around it, even as a survivor, can make it incredibly difficult to discuss with other people who haven't been through it.

I experienced sibling abuse, and it has heavily impacted my life decades later. I still carry far too much shame about what happened, and obviously anger and grief.

That's it for an opening post really. I've never really felt that I've found an appropriate place to talk about this with other people with a similar background. Someone else's recent thread gave me and others a bit of space, prompted me to make this, and here we are.

I've stuck a content warning here and in the title because it's a sensitive subject, obviously. Other than that, I hope this can be a useful open mutual support thread if anyone needs it.
thanks x

Yes nails I use a similar type of mind and body numbing a lot. I will move into my mind for a while and try to ignore everything else physically in me and around me. I was reading about it in “The Body Keeps the Score” it was very reassuring to know it is very common as a trauma response.

Thank you 20shades, that's helpful. I think I've got that book actually so I'll see if I can dig it out again.

Hi fmlagain I've not been around for a while so hadn't seen your post- sorry you haven't been feeling great- I hope you are a little better now? What normally helps you?

I've been a bit up and down. One sort of lightbulb moment occurred to me last week when I read that growing up in a chronic 'fear inducing' environment can cause trauma. Yes I grew up with abuse etc- but it was the words 'chronic fear' that took my breath a way a little. That's exactly what it was. It occurred to me that I am perpetually frightened of people, particularly other women, and particularly at work- I feel under threat constantly. I always would have described it as an anxiety I have- but it is fear. Despite being so called 'high achieving' at work. I think this is why I can't get out of the people pleasing habit I guess.

Hope you are all looking after yourselves.

"chronic fear" is a good phrase.

There is, as others say, NAPAC, but maybe try a look at Havoca. Pandora's Aquarium is semi closed but still online for archive threads, usefully curated by sub heading. Above all, try Anna Runkle's free you tube talks, in particular the reader favourites '4 myths we used to believe' and 'why I quit therapy', but browse her site, she is only gentle, and can be insightful.

Getting 'therapy' can be counter-productive. Especially for those with long childhood abuse, it is frequently harmful. But for everyone, maybe it is worth being aware of the American 9/11 follow-up research: Those vast numbers who were 'counselled' were found on all measures to be worse off than those who did not accept it. (Strangely, the exploding industry of counselling seems quiet about that (!))

According to other sites, for someone who wants treatment for flashbacks, Rapid Eye Movement is said to be effective, not least because there is absolutely no need to talk about the past. Apparently it's a combo of technology and hypnosis, letting the person just think about the memory they want to be rid of, without giving details, then the practitioner can somehow tell from their closed eyelids if they have calmed, which usually banishes the alarmed response for good. I think even a single session can work in some cases.

By the way, needing to stay alive builds super-human resilience, so although being mentally ill or using drink/drugs or becoming criminal may ensue, for a minority, the majority become exceptionally self sufficient. (Have you ever thought that in a crisis, the person you would want to be with is you?) It also builds empathy and kindness. There are serious drawbacks of course. Boundaries. Attracting predators. Knowing what good family relationships are supposed to look like. Putting up with what should not be endured. Standing up for others but being hard on yourself .

Importantly, it gives a sense of proportion. You truly will not be stressing out over your nail varnish, when you know you are lucky to be alive at all. "I wept because I had no shoes, till I met someone with no feet"

There have been good ideas here, e.g. checking in regularly, which could work as a form of group. It would be hard for just a passing person to know anyone has this thread, but does anyone know how mods organise a 'sticky' thread or sub-heading ? Just by statistics, those who have posted must be a miniscule proportion of the potential MN members who would benefit from the thread/group. We are a minority of women, but not, in any sense, an insignificant minority. Just knowing there are others in the same boat is in itself a comfort. (We know perfectly well, but as long as nobody speaks, each of us lives in a sense of isolation, and sometimes, the fact everyone is chattering merrily about everything under the sun except this, it somehow feels as if we are not accepted as existing )

Hello everyone, I hope you are all ok. I am not a survivor but I am very close to a girl who has been abused by her grandfather since she was 4 and was still until very recently, she is now 21. Since meeting her and winning her trust, she has told me many horrific tales of his abuse of her and my self and my husband have been trying to keep her ‘safe’ but he is texting her constantly now, trying to get a response as she’s managed to avoid him for 3months. I want to report this monster but she is so fragile, I’m worried she might do something stupid, which she has tried before. She doesn’t want any of the family to know and this man is living a lie, acting like a loving grandad when he is nothing but scum! She is now very depressed due to his constant texts, bringing all the painful memories to the forefront of her mind. I just don’t know what to do to help her anymore and am at my wits end. Can anyone offer any words of encouragement xx

@Ms82 im in exactly your position. I’ve lost all my family as they don’t want to get involved, their loss. My daughter is amazing, and her resilience astounding but I do worry about her life ahead. She won’t talk about it, says she’s come to terms with what happened. I believed her immediately, anyone who didn’t was cut off. I want to harm him. Police have been amazing in this for her.