CW: A thread for survivors of childhood familial CSA

[SurvivorSister]

I'm starting this thread as a space for people who experienced sexual abuse in childhood from relatives.

There are far too many of us who were abused by our elder brothers, our fathers, our uncles, our cousins. The taboos around it, even as a survivor, can make it incredibly difficult to discuss with other people who haven't been through it.

I experienced sibling abuse, and it has heavily impacted my life decades later. I still carry far too much shame about what happened, and obviously anger and grief.

That's it for an opening post really. I've never really felt that I've found an appropriate place to talk about this with other people with a similar background. Someone else's recent thread gave me and others a bit of space, prompted me to make this, and here we are.

I've stuck a content warning here and in the title because it's a sensitive subject, obviously. Other than that, I hope this can be a useful open mutual support thread if anyone needs it.
thanks x

[20shadesofgreen]

I read another post on here a while back from someone who mentioned that they had never spoken to another person in the same boat. I feel exactly the same.

Abuse within a family is such an isolating experience. Often it breaks down families completely so your usual source of support crumbles and even people who have experienced abuse themselves from abusers outside the family would not have experienced the knock on implications that abuse within the family causes. The divided loyalties. The family dysfunctions that probably contributed to the abuse. The fact that most families side with the abuser. Dealing with the larger scale issues is definitely the most painful thing I have ever experienced. I genuinely believe it would have been much easier to deal with my parents dying than them turning their back on my so my father could continue his relationship with his son without holding him to account for the awful abuse he inflicted on his sisters.

It is definitely unique to have a space where people who understand these difficult issues are.

[Chickencuddle]

Definitely isolating. The only family I speak to is my grandmother and we dont speak about the past mainly because it's only recently we have been in contact after many years she is old and frail in a care home I dont want to upset her. But at the same time it's hard hearing her talk about my uncle looking after her. She says she doesbt often speak to my dad. Says my brother is a lovely young man...yet he had a baby taken away from him due to physical abuse
He was awful to me when we were children. I forgive him because he didnt know much different he was just copying what he saw. But my life as a child was miserable because of all of them and I don't wish to have any relationship with them now. I have peaked at their fb and they are all racist and misogynistic. Believe everyone else is beneath them. I too wasnt believed by some abd others I suspect dont believe me. It's unfair that I am left with no family while they have a support system around them sometimes makes me think what did I do so wrong.

[20shadesofgreen]

‘But at the same time it's hard hearing her talk about my uncle looking after her. She says she doesbt often speak to my dad. Says my brother is a lovely young man...yet he had a baby taken away from him due to physical abuse’

My mother used to wax lyrical about my brother after finding out about his abuse of me. I remember I’d be sitting there nodding dumbly but inside saying wtf do you think I care about what he is doing. It was a really tough experience. I think it was more than denial with her, I think there was an element of punishment in it too for burdening her with “my troubles” on something that effected her life. I felt so tied into saving them from any emotional consequences of anything that happened in their life.

[Chickencuddle]

20shades and fmlagain it must be really hard to still have that contact like you're in limbo. All I can say is you are strong people because that would mess with anyone's head. Especially because for me I dont know about anyone else...it took a long time to realise things and if I hadnt have had a mean break from everything I'm sure I would have been persuaded to think it was all my fault etc.
I was thinking that today. I never speak to anyone in my life about the sexual abuse. But have done on this forum. It's sad that women are scared to say anything incase they arent believed but then look at he proof on here. Is it any wonder we feel this way...when the majority of people are not believed without some kind of proof.

[20shadesofgreen]

It is tough but i dont feel ready to fully make that break yet. My mum, dad, step mum, younger bro and sis I still speak to. I have been back in contact with the cousins who went through it with me. I had to ask if they were consensual with my brother... one has responded and in not so many words as she doesn't want to think about it or go back there.. that no.. we were all in the same boat

That is very tough fmlagain I asked my DSis a few times after I told my parents and she just didn’t remember any of it. She was still very much in contact with the brother at that time. It was actually really sad when it all came out because it went on for years with her and the detail that has come to light now - very prolonged and very serious abuse - is unbelievably tough for her but she seems really disconnected from her experiences. I imagine that has been what she needed to do to get through. But our parents behaviour was just so absolutely horrendous, they have remarkably successfully gone to to sweep this all back under the carpet. My sister goes along with all of this with them which I find just so sad. I was very angry with her (and the rest of the family too) for sweeping it all away with them for a long while but now I am just sad about it and very disappointed in others for not helping her to learn that this is not a good enough way for her to be treated. She absolutely has zero shark cage from all of this.

[nailsalive]

I've not posted about this for years now. And nc for this. But I'm literally in tears not only at all you've all gone through but also because I'm not the only person here abused by their 'mother'. I thought I was the only one as no one seems to have heard about it- or believed me when I've told as an adult.
That includes a therapist who actually said ' I don't believe that' and a survivor organisation helpline who said I must have misinterpreted what my mother did. It took me ages to pluck the courage to tell them.
My DH believes me though and no one in my family speaks to us so it's just us and dc. Like a pp my mother made out I was mentally ill and a terrible person and they all flock round her. The world has gone mad.
I have forever felt faulty and different and bad. I don't fit in anywhere. No one seems to like me- I am actually terrified that I must come across as 'creepy' or something like my mother always felt to me. I even look like her. I've got a good job and a good degree etc but just try and keep quiet with my head down now.

[mbosnz]

Grandfather. Apparently 'if only the town had prostitutes'. I was seven.

Spent far too many years then avoiding another family member.

[mbosnz]

And I fricking believe you all. It hurts to wrench the words out.

[moonlight1705]

I was abused by my father from 12 to 13 and it has screwed with me completely. In some ways I was "lucky" as my mum and two younger sister believed me however I felt pressured to forgive him to keep the family together as long as he didn't do it again.

I became such a moody teenager and they used to wonder why aloud.

My mum died 2 years ago and I loved her massively but somehow I still feel obliged to keep talking to my dad. It is like he was two different people, he did not try anything again after that so it feels like even he has forgotten.

[nailsalive]

Thank you fmlagain Your positivity is so uplifting too. I feel a bit less alone and alien like knowing others have gone through this, though I wish you all hadn't at the same time.
It is just difficult to keep on going pretending to be normal. I get periods of time where I am ok and don't think about it much, but it is always there iyswim, - I think one of you mentioned the sadness about not knowing who you could really have been - if this hadn't shaped our lives and psyche so much. It totally resonates with me.

[madcatladyforever]

I have complex PTSD as a result of the abuse I suffered and I am unable to live with other people, it's just me and my pets.
I manage to hold down a good job but I don't consider that I have a good life and I have to control myself rigidly at work which is a huge effort and I am often exhausted.
I would be willing to have ECT to get rid of the flashbacks but my GP says this is too extreme and won't refer me.
I am one of those where medication doesn't help the symptoms.
I don't think people realise the long term effects abuse and neglect have on children and the difficult lives we have to live forever.

[20shadesofgreen]

I've not posted about this for years now. And nc for this. But I'm literally in tears not only at all you've all gone through but also because I'm not the only person here abused by their 'mother'. I thought I was the only one as no one seems to have heard about it- or believed me when I've told as an adult.
That includes a therapist who actually said ' I don't believe that' and a survivor organisation helpline who said I must have misinterpreted what my mother did. It took me ages to pluck the courage to tell them.

I think what I have learned nailalive is that when you tell people their reaction is about their ability to accept the dark faces of humanity or not. I am so sorry you faced people with their own issues who could not face you truth. I know how hard it is to tell. I have never ever heard a story of abuse where I didn’t believe the victim. It is so hard to spit the words out that lying can only be an extreme rarity. You are unbelievably brave.

[Stayfreshcheesebags]

Thank you for starting this thread. I have just started seeing a counsellor about the sexual , physical and emotional abuse suffered at the hands of my mother.

The physical and emotional abuse I can remember clearly . The sexual abuse is really strange as I've always told myself I must have imagined it , wanting to believe that that never happened. Trying to repress the memories for years and years led me to drinking excessively and all manner of destructive behaviours.

I feel disgust, shame, sadness and I get that taken your breath away sense of fear regularly.

I don't want her to ruin my life anymore. I'm 37 and finally accepting to myself what happened . It's tough but you get to the point where holding it in becomes too exhausted.

[TheFormerPorpentinaScamander]

Just realised I never did come back and post my experiences. I've realised recently that it wasn't just my brother who abused me, although his abuse was the 'worst' (not sure there really is a scale, but he's the only one who actually raped me). I also have some inappropriate memories of my father and my female cousin. Plus my Nanny didn't stop what could have become abuse when we went on holiday one year.
I will try and remember to come back when I'm awake and share my experiences fully.
again to everyone.

[20shadesofgreen]

I don't think people realise the long term effects abuse and neglect have on children and the difficult lives we have to live forever.

So true Madcat I live around the corner from a homeless shelter which has quite a number of addicts/alcoholics for a relatively small town. I often think that the abuse of alcohol/drugs so often stems from an attempt to cope with past trauma/abuse. I feel so sad for people trying to deal with this shit but I do think it is endemic. There are so many people silently trying to cope with abuse. The taboo and stigma makes it so much more difficult to name.

[nailsalive]

Thank you 20shadesofgreen. Yes I think you are right. And I later saw a different counsellor in my health centre and amazingly she believed me.
stayfresh I could have written every word of your post- that's how it played out for me. I had memories come back that I'd repressed and also thought I must have imagined it. I recently found out she did it to another sibling too. I look back over my relationship with alcohol since my late teens and my personal boundaries etc and can see I've been a bit off the rails and in denial.

I'm so glad you have all posted about this, it is less isolating to hear your truths. We will keep on going and be strong! Thank you.

[sashh]

I'm not sure this counts as sexual but my mother had a really odd thing about pants.

As a little girl she liked to be able to see my pants when I was running around, that's OK at 2 in the 1960s but not so much when you are 10 and maxi skirts are in fashion.

I was never allowed to wear pants at night unless I was on my period.

At 10 I went into hospital, my mum had bought me a new nightie, it was white cotton and you could and couldn't see through it if you see what I mean. She took all my clothes home, including my pants.

I was a couple of months away from my first period and I was left on a children's ward with pubic hair that could be seen through my only clothing. Thankfully I didn't start then.

When I started my first period I had to show her, and I don't mean show my pants I mean lie down with my legs apart.

At one stage we had relatives staying with us, they used the dining room as a bedroom and living space so we ate on the coffee table.

My mum and other adults would sit on the sofa, the kids would be around the sides and opposite. My mum often wore just her short nightie with no pants and sat opposite me, as I was kneeling on the floor my eye level was, well her genitals.

I used to wonder why she couldn't feel the lack of underwear but as an adult I'm sure she was quite aware of what was happening, otherwise it wouldn't always be opposite me.

She's dead, I don't miss her.

She did lots of other non sexual stuff and it has permanently screwed me up.