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Original poster

My parents hate my husband not sure what to do

63 replies

CAOIMHEBEHL · 20/09/2020 23:24

I have been married for 3 years and have a 8 week baby. I've also been aware that there has been tension between by Dad and OH but recently this has got worse. Recently we were visiting my parents my OH was a bit rude and dismissive to my Dad and I snapped and told him to F off and stormed out of the room. What happened next I am not sure of .. my dad said my OH was very agressive and subsequently told him to get out and make his own way to the airport. ( They live in rural Ireland and he had to walk 7 miles there).
I was obviously v upset but I thought it could be resolved. What happened next really shocked me... My mum and dad both started saying how much they hated my OH. The list seemed endless and went on for two days. Some of the things were v hurtful like saying he has small man syndrome and is stingy. They also had issue with him saying he wanted our baby to go to school in a diverse area ( which I agree with)and his objection to the word P( he is from an Indian background). My Mum started saying he will stop them from seeing the baby as that is what people like him do.
I feel so shocked and confused by this and not sure what I should do.
My OH sent a message and tried to phone my folks to apologise but they are not willing to consider this and won't let him back in the house.

OP posts:
Goingdooolally · 20/09/2020 23:28

Wow until you mentioned the P word I thought your husband sounded rude. But actually your parents sound awful
racist bullies and you need to back up your husband. I can’t believe you stayed at your parents and let him leave. Unless there’s a massive back story about him being horrible, I feel so sorry for him.

BehindtheBump · 20/09/2020 23:31

Yeah, to be honest your parents sound pretty awful. I'd be 'a bit rude and dismissive' if my in laws were refusing to refrain from racist slurs in my presence.

KeepSmiling89 · 20/09/2020 23:32

This is tricky OP and so sorry to hear you're stuck in the middle of it all.
My parents never approved of my relationship with my DH. We've been married nearly 3 years now and my mum never even attended our wedding (my dad passed away 5 years ago, disapproving of the engagement and think mum still holds onto this but also disapproved before).
If your DH has tried to make amends there's nothing else to do. You need to wait for your parents to make the next move. DH and I are constantly waiting for my mum to accept our relationship and marriage. We're expecting DC1 now so hope this might help her see the light but, who knows...
What you and DH decide to do with your DC is up to you 2, not your parents. Don't let them put you down for your choices.
Hope everything turns out OK for you and DH.

KeepSmiling89 · 20/09/2020 23:36

Sorry OP forgot to mention the racist comments. That's just horrible and unacceptable.
Hope your parents realise how horrible they've made you and DH feel. Don't do anything else. Wait for them to come to you to apologise.

Original poster
CAOIMHEBEHL · 20/09/2020 23:41

Just to clarify re the p word , they have never actually used it but once my cousins BF said it when telling a story and me and OH were annoyed about this. They reacted in a weird way saying that my OH was trying to cause trouble and divide the family.

OP posts:
Kalula · 20/09/2020 23:49

Why did you stay and let him leave? Why did you not follow him out? Sorry but I think YABU and you are as bad as your parents. What to do? I don't know if I could forgive you if I were him. Maybe try getting the hell out of your parents house and GO TO YOUR HUSBAND. That might be a start. And a groveling apology to him. I can't believe you stayed there. That is stone cold. You'd be lucky if he takes you back. I wouldn't.

Goingdooolally · 20/09/2020 23:51

Why did you let him leave? How was he rude and dismissive to your dad exactly?

You need to have his back. Even if they don’t use the P word they still seem to think it’s strange he didn’t like it. Also what do they mean by “people like him”. They sound extremely racist to me and if it were me, I would have left with my husband. You are a family with him, you should stand with him. Unless there is some big back story ....

Original poster
CAOIMHEBEHL · 20/09/2020 23:57

The only backstory is that .. he didn't want us to have the baby christened which my parents were angry about. We had agreed ourselves to have a Thanksgiving ceremony instead as OH is from hindu background. Also he didn't want me to go to Ireland without him for a week with our new born baby. Generally , they feel he is controlling. I do not feel he is , he has an assertive personality and I am easygoing .

OP posts:
madcatladyforever · 20/09/2020 23:59

Whatever they think of your husband and however deserved it is or not they need to butt out now.
My parents spent my entire 20 year marriage showing their distain for my husband and it seriously did nothing for our marriage. I'm sure the slow drip, drip, drip of dislike hastened the end and it was exhausting being piggy in the middle.
If they can't butt out warn them they will not see you or the baby because you have no intention of being in the middle of this.
What do they hope to achieve by this? Parents should be there to pick up the pieces if it goes wrong, not interfere constantly.

Goingdooolally · 21/09/2020 00:00

It’s hard to know really. Why didn’t he want you to go to Ireland? That does seem controlling. But your parents seem controlling too. Have you gone from one controlling relationship to another? Putting the racist stuff aside for a minute, is he controlling?

Sorry about all the controllings! Confused

AgentJohnson · 21/09/2020 00:03

Recently we were visiting my parents my OH was a bit rude and dismissive to my Dad and I snapped and told him to F off and stormed out of the room.*

This was your parents green light. I don’t think you are confused, I think you have been in denial about how bad your parents are. I suspect your lack of support has been very hurtful to your H.

What do you do? Stop making excuses for the small mindedness of your parents.

Kalula · 21/09/2020 00:06

It still doesn't explain why you stayed at your parents. You are married now, you are a family with your DC and your DH, and you act with one mind, or that's how it's supposed to be at least.

Your parents sound like controlling gaslighters. They are clearly racist (anyone who doesn't understand why a person of Indian heritage doesn't like the p... word and thinks HE is making trouble simply for not wanting to hear racist slurs, is racist. To be honest, you would be better off being NC with them and not having them in your life. You either choose your husband, or your racist manipulative control-freak parents. One or the other.

Again, what are you still doing there with them?

Thisisnotnormal69 · 21/09/2020 00:12

How ‘newborn’ was your baby when you wanted to go to Ireland for a week and why did he not want you to go? I mean it’s fair enough if you’re only just getting to know your tiny baby I think!

Original poster
CAOIMHEBEHL · 21/09/2020 00:18

Baby was eight weeks old when I wanted to go over. OH said he wasn't happy because I decided to go without discussing with him. I have gone back to my husband now. I probably shouldn't have stayed but I was confused as was being told he was controlling me and I couldn't see it. I have problems with anxiety and it was making me doubt myself.

OP posts:
SemperIdem · 21/09/2020 00:18

Reading between the lines I’m very much getting the impression that your parents have never been ok with your husband, because he is not white. The reality of him having his own ideas about what cultural norms your child will be raised with is probably what tipped them over the edge - hence their anger about you choosing as parents to not have the baby christened.

SemperIdem · 21/09/2020 00:21

Re leaving the country with your child (regardless of age actually) why did you think it was ok to make plans for that without even mentioning it to him?

Because his opinion doesn’t matter all that much in comparison to your (very) controlling parent’s opinions? Or because he is himself controlling?

BackforGood · 21/09/2020 00:28

What @AgentJohnson said.

Why on earth you you just stay with your parents and let your dh walk 7 miles ? Confused

(as an aside, why didn't he get a bus / train / taxi ?)

bethany39 · 21/09/2020 00:30

You planned to take an 8 week old away without discussing it with your DH?

I think it's your parents that are controlling not your DH.

Original poster
CAOIMHEBEHL · 21/09/2020 00:38

I was angry because he was rude to my Dad and had said my sister was rough with the baby which was an overexaggeration.
It's rural Ireland on a Sunday, there is no public transport and taxis are hard to get

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 21/09/2020 00:47

I'm having a little trouble following.
How was he rude to your Dad? What did he say/do?
Who did you tell to F off?
I don't know what the P word is either. Penis?

Original poster
CAOIMHEBEHL · 21/09/2020 01:02

My Dad was giving advice in a polite way and he said I don't need you advice v rudely and swore at him. He had been rude like this several times. I told my OH to Fxxx off.
It's p* , derogatory word for someone of asian heritage.

OP posts:
Thisisnotnormal69 · 21/09/2020 01:03

@RantyAnty I assume the racist way of saying Pakistani.

It sounds like your parents are the controlling ones to be honest

Thisisnotnormal69 · 21/09/2020 01:04

What was the advice and what was the context?

occa · 21/09/2020 01:05

Well OP time to decide between your marriage and your parents I think.

For you to decide to go out of the country for a week with an 8 week old baby without discussing it with your DP is outrageous. I don't know any men who'd be happy with that. Of course he wanted to come too - that's his brand new baby!

And why on earth did you not say something to your cousin in front of everyone when they started throwing racist slurs around?

You need to put your foot bloody firmly down with your parents and and tell them to buck the hell up and then start giving your DH some support with your family!

Your DH deserves better.

Original poster
CAOIMHEBEHL · 21/09/2020 01:16

@thisisnotnormal69 it was to do with feeding the baby, recommending a particular type of formula

OP posts:
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