My parents hate my husband not sure what to do

[CAOIMHEBEHL]

I have been married for 3 years and have a 8 week baby. I've also been aware that there has been tension between by Dad and OH but recently this has got worse. Recently we were visiting my parents my OH was a bit rude and dismissive to my Dad and I snapped and told him to F off and stormed out of the room. What happened next I am not sure of .. my dad said my OH was very agressive and subsequently told him to get out and make his own way to the airport. ( They live in rural Ireland and he had to walk 7 miles there).
I was obviously v upset but I thought it could be resolved. What happened next really shocked me... My mum and dad both started saying how much they hated my OH. The list seemed endless and went on for two days. Some of the things were v hurtful like saying he has small man syndrome and is stingy. They also had issue with him saying he wanted our baby to go to school in a diverse area ( which I agree with)and his objection to the word P( he is from an Indian background). My Mum started saying he will stop them from seeing the baby as that is what people like him do.
I feel so shocked and confused by this and not sure what I should do.
My OH sent a message and tried to phone my folks to apologise but they are not willing to consider this and won't let him back in the house.

There’s not a lot of information to go on so I risk being very wrong, but I think your parents sound controlling and you are somewhat enmeshed.
To take away a new parent’s baby for week without consulting them is fairly extreme, you’d be cool with it the other way around would you? Finding your husband had arranged to take the baby another country?
Do your family dish out advice on how to look after the baby and critique things your husband does? That goes down like a lead balloon.
Your reaction to your husband’s rudeness to your father was extreme, you could just have said he was being rude/ unfair/ wrong.

I don’t think he’s unreasonable to be a bit edgy stuck in the arse end of nowhere with a bunch of bigots who dislike him.
If he has given them just cause to call him controlling, other than your marriage weakening theircontrol over you, then of course he is a problem.

Your husband sounds like a prick. Your parents aren't coming across brilliantly, either.

Recently we were visiting my parents my OH was a bit rude and dismissive to my Dad and I snapped and told him to F off and stormed out of the room.*

Sounds like a lovely marriage.

I would object to my spouse taking my child to another country! Especially to be with parents who object to people of my race. How would I know that my child would ever return?
Who would ever be so incredibly rude as to force as a guest to walk SEVEN MILES to an airport without a ride?
Why can't your parents butt out with their aggressive advice? They already raised their children--he is the father of this baby, and they are not respecting that. They are actively trying to drive him away from his rightful relationship with his child and belittle his choices. It doesn't matter which brand of formula is better. It's none of their business.
He has every right to object to other relatives of yours using the P word and your family should be ashamed of themselves.
You need to stand up for YOUR decision to raise a child in a diverse area. Is a half-Desi child going to be happy being raised in some whitey-white backwater? I think not.

Thanks for the additional info. It helps put things together better.

Do you feel your parents have been unkind and racist towards your DH? Have they cursed him?

From what you said, the only person who has said the P word is a cousin's bf.
Were they there at the time and did other family hear him say it?

Do you want your baby Christened? I mean you. Not your parents. Not your DH. What do you want?

How does your DH respond when you make suggestions to him or don't agree or want to do something?
Has he ever cursed you or rude to you?

So basically you all swear at eachother and everything is toxic af. Lovely.

If my husband told my father to fuck off like that, he would no longer be my husband. If my father made derogatory comments about my husbands race, I'd have sod all to do with him anymore either.

I think youd do well to reconsider everyone in your life. As pp says, it sounds like you've swapped on toxic family, for another. And it's making you into a stress, sweary mess too. You have a daughter, think about the role models you want for her. And get shot of anyone who doesnt meet decent standards for that.

I'd be dismissive towards people who used that disgusting word too........and I'm white !

Why the hell did you tell him to fuck off when he's had to tolerate being around a pair of racist shitcunts ?

You need to decide where your loyalties lie, if you side with that pair of idiots well that's up to you. 💁🏻‍♀️

@rantyanty
They were there when the cousins BF said it. The issue was they thought we overreacted when we said how it was out of order.
My mum has said things recently like his family are narrow minded because they only eat Indian food and criticised him for listening to Asian network on radio.
In a ideal world I’d like a christening but it’s an interfaith marriage and for me a compromise is to have a thanksgiving in a church.

It sounds as if your DH can do better.

Tell your controlling, racist family to not talk badly of your husband in front of you and if not they won't see you or baby, it sounds as if you need to chose sides. I actually can't believe you didn't walk out with him, how hurtful for him and being confused is not good enough.

You should have gone after your husband and not left him to walk the distance to the airport. You could have phoned for a taxi together.

Why did you plan to take the baby away to Ireland for a week without even discussing it with DH? Was it under pressure from your parents, who are certainly coming across as a pair of racist bigots? I can see why he would be wary of letting that happen.

It sounds more like it is your parents who need told to fuck off - by you. You haven't backed your husband up here. It sounds as though you have just been too passive and he has felt unsupported by you.

You have to stand up for each other.

They thought you were overreacting when you both said it was offensive.
Do you feel your parents are racists?
Have they tried to learn more about his culture?

So on Monday, if he tells you that he’s taking your baby to a different country for a week (if he’s even from a different country - based on information so far, he could be completely British for 3+ generations) without you, you’ll be fine with that? You pushed him into a situation where his only choice if he wanted to be with his wife and newborn was to face people that he knows don’t like him for his race, and trust me, my husband (half-black) says you can ALWAYS tell. Whether they’re rude as fuck or sweet as pie, if the racist shite is within them, it always comes out eventually. So you see your dad giving him polite advice, and he sees a man he already knows doesn’t approve of him just disapproving of one more thing he does, no matter how it’s phrased.

But you are going to have to choose quickly when fights like that happen: your husband or your parents. You should have been following your husband out the door and telling your parents you’d call them later once this got figured out. Instead, you staying allowed them to have open season on him.

Because somehow I’m guessing if you’d married a man they approved of (Irish, English, white, Catholic, Protestant, whatever it is they wanted), that instead of telling you this “behavior” is controlling, it would have been, “Oh bless, he doesn’t want to be away from his little princess for a week.”

Talk to your husband. Ask him how he feels and interprets what happened, listen, and then figure out how to be a team, or your parents will eventually separate your marriage.

With your mother's racist rant about how your DH will stop them from seeing the baby, there's nothing to be confused about.

Tell her bluntly that you will be totally with your DH on not allowing your baby to be influenced by such a pair of racist bigots.

That is what should have happened. Instead it sounds as though your DH was subjected to their racist bile and when he had finally had enough YOU capped it off by telling him to fuck off! I hope he can forgive you because I know I would struggle.

Break some of these ties with your parents, or at least loosen them greatly. Tell them straight that they won't see you or the baby at all if they can't be pleasant to your DH. Their reaction to you saying that will tell you all you need to know about them.

You talk about thinking that this could be resolved. It could have been. The resolution was for you to leave with your DH and baby, having told them pointedly to shut the fuck up.

Break some of these ties with your parents, or at least loosen them greatly. Tell them straight that they won't see you or the baby at all if they can't be pleasant to your DH. Their reaction to you saying that will tell you all you need to know about them.
This, and tell them deciding to call dh racist is not in any way hiding their pretty blatant racism. And it won’t be dh keeping them from their grandchild, it will be both the grandchild’s loving parents, protecting the baby from negative influences.

I feel sorry for you OP. Your parents sound ignorant as hell (as most racist people are) but your DH is hardly a catch either, is he? You'll obviously have to stay away from your parents at least for a while but don't stay in a miserable relationship just to prove a point. Might there be a grain of truth in what they say about his shortcomings?

I’d be pretty livid if my DP decided he was going to waltz off with my eight week old baby for an entire week, to another country without so much as a discussion with me. Who on earth does that?

I’d not make an effort for anyone who thought using the P word around me was acceptable. And I’d certainly not entertain their unsolicited advice on my joint choice on how to feed my baby.

And if I’d been made to walk seven miles to the nearest airport whilst DP stayed at home with the toxic people who’d made kicked me out after making my stay as uncomfortable as possible. I’d be getting my ducks in a row applying for a prohibited steps order and getting a fucking shit hot lawyer before divorcing my partner.

I’d find your behaviour pretty unforgivable.

And surely you discussed and agreed on the christening/blessing of your baby with your husband and agreed on how you wished to proceed, it’s none of your parents business. My MIL would be thrilled if we’d have had our dc christened I’m not of her religion so it’s never going to happen and she’s never ever interfered in our decision.

I feel so sorry for your DH.

You should be protecting him from your racist family.

Now you have a mixed race child to protect as well.

Are your family racist OP? It doesn’t sound good. Your husband isn’t coming out great either.

Walked 7 miles to the airport
Goodness gracious.

You do realise, OP, that your parents hate your dd's race?

It's not clear whether or not you normally have a good relationship with your husband, but if you won't stand up for your husband, you'll have to learn to stand up for your dd.

I’d be making sure your daughter didn’t grow up listening to your parents or cousins being racist towards or about her

Have you spoken to your DH about how he is feeling?

You describe yourself as swearing at your DH then flouncing, is this typical behaviour for you?

I think it sounds like your dh and your parents are as bad as eachother and it's got to the point now where there is no going back.

I've been in this situation before as a close observer. I would say that you'll be on egg shells forever whenever both lots are in eachother's company. If you want a relationship with your parents then you're going to have to be straight with your dh. You're not willing to spend your time stressed, it's clear he's not a fan of them, they all run eachother up the wrong way, you want your dc to have a relationship with them and so if the only way to achieve that is to see them without your dh then so be it.

The only alternative is to sacrifice your relationship with your mum and dad and I'm sure you don't want that.

As an aside, and given you've pointed out that it wasn't your parents who used the P word, i do think your dh sounds controlling. Your parents are picking up on this and that's where their position begins. You admit he's assertive. They probably don't like that dynamic.

I say just keep them apart where possible, tell both sides you're all just going to have to agree to disagree and you have no intention of letting their opinions on eachother impact your relationship with your parents or your husband.

It sounds as though your passivity has caused issues to be honest.

Your DH is supposed to accept your extended family's racist language because your parents say 'they're family' as an excuse? How horrible for your DH, I'm not surprised he was feeling defensive.

You need to stand WITH your DH, stop being passive, perhaps your DH then wouldn't feel the need to be so assertive.

I feel for you, you must be tired and confused and it must feel lonely being in this position with a small baby to consider 💐 I have to agree with one of the comments above that said both sides aren't painting themselves with glory...
I'm of Syrian heritage and my in laws have said the odd disparaging remark about "those Syrian migrants on dinghy" which makes my blood boil. I also acknowledge they're not very educated and don't know the history behind this. In any case, I wouldn't dream of telling them to fuck off.
Especially over the formula issue. Both grandmothers have butted in with advice and recommendations with our young daughter. I take what I think is useful and dismiss the rest. I totally understand where they're coming from (they've not been particularly pushy though). However, wanting to send an apology is a good sign and your parents would be unreasonable to refuse to consider it.
Could you give it a bit of time, focus on you and your baby and take a step back and reassess if you're happy in your relationship? That's the most important thing.