My life turned upside down when GP advised me to leave with DS

[StartingOver2020]

We’re staying with relatives now but DS has additional needs and their kindly offered spare room isn’t a long term solution. We’ve been here 2 weeks now.

We used to live a street away from DS’s Dad and had him to stay in my lodger’s room during lockdown as he was struggling to cope mentally. He eventually had a full blown relapse of his alcoholism and it got pretty difficult. He was deeply depressed rather than aggressive but still had a very bad impact on DS and it was extremely tough for me.

I’m trying to figure out moving - from DS’s only home - but it’s not quick and easy at the best of times.

I know so many people are having a hard time now. I’ve got a lot to be grateful for. On the other side DS may well lose his Dad, he’s very worried about him. Social Services were contacted by A&E after one visit and they think I’ve done the right thing leaving our home and going quite a long way away where we have family support.

Could really do with handholding, practical advice even a spare biscuit.

Handhold here OP

Hopefully you'll be eligible for housing where you are? It must be tough, but it sounds like the right thing for you and DS.

Sorry you are all going through this.

Would it help ds to FaceTime or have a telephone convo with his dad to give them both hope?

Perhaps that’s bad advice, apologies if so, I’m just thinking of dc.

Unfortunately dad in no condition to FaceTime and DS struggles with video calls!

In the current circumstances direct contact isn’t really appropriate. Dad is drinking 60 - 80 units of spirits per day (not a typo).

Oh dear God.

You are 100% correct that direct contact isn't appropriate. I hope that you are convinced in your heart that leaving was the right thing, because it absolutely was. That level of drinking is going to leave him completely incapable of any form of relationship with his son, and is also going to kill him in not very long at all.

Please apply for any benefits and support with housing you can, and focus all your energy on building a new, safe life with your DS. His father is a lost cause.

Widow of an alcoholic who drank 140 units a week - and I thought that was bad. He died at 58.

He’s 59

I only knew him in sobriety until this relapse. He had years in recovery. A lovely guy, all gone.

I keep thinking things can’t get any worse but they do every day.

So sorry for you losses pointythings the drink takes a lot before it takes the drinker.

Hi OP, hope you’re doing ok. Such a hard situation to be in, but you’re doing a great job being there for your son.

On a practical level: you said you had a different housing situation until recently: could you explain what happened, sorry I was confused and wondered whether the dad is still in that property, and you’ve moved out separately?

Have you spoke to council about the situation, as a first port of call they will do a lot to help you find a private rental in the medium term, and can get you somewhere to stay in the short term if necessary (although that would be unlikely to be better than your current situation, which is at least safe).

Why can’t his dad move back out of your home? Not really fair to make your DS move out of his home to support an alcoholic

StartingOver2020 that sounds really rough for you both. You've done the right thing.
You want biccies? OK, you can have WHATEVER you like!

Hope life feels more settled for you soon. Best wishes.

Speaking as the adult child of an alcoholic, you 100% did the right thing. Leaving my Dad was the best thing my Mum ever did and I'm very proud of her for finding the strength to do it.

Be careful if you ever do think about restarting contact, I used to see my Dad on a weekend and I'm still not sure if that was a good thing or not.

It'll get better, op.

Op how old is your son? It may not seem it at the moment but things will get better for you

I’m another on here who had an alcoholic husband/father of my dc and totally agree with all the other posters saying you have totally done the right thing for you and your dc. Doesn’t always make it any easier to know that, though, and this sounds really, horribly tough.

The only thing I can really say is to try and get some help for you and your dc. You probably realise there isn’t anything you can do for dc’s dad. Have you been in touch with Alanon and Nacoa to help you both deal with the effects of his drinking?

I’m finding it quite difficult to get my head round what to do about housing.

I’m happy to explain 12309845653ghydrvj but leaving aside those details for a moment I think I’ve got 3 choices to get me through the next few months. In the long run I’m sure I’ll be able to move properly if you see what I mean. I definitely want to stay near these relatives for support with DS.

1. stay in spare room for up to 6 months while going back and forth every few weeks to pack up and organise orderly transition - assuming I can dodge any lockdown restrictions.

2. buy a Motorhome and park it in their drive for up to 6 months etc as before

3. look for a short term let as near as possible. I might get lucky or might end up in winter lockdown with no support in totally unfamiliar area... must stop catastrophising...with lovely new neighbours and feeling safe.

If he was a lodger and it is your home is it not best to get him out? He is not still living in your home is he?

Very very sadly I know there is nothing I can do for Dad. I did all I could, it wasn’t enough.

I didn’t move out to make things easier for Dad who is back in his own place now but, on the specific advice of our GP, for the well-being of DS. The fact that there is now a considerable geographical distance between us is a very good thing.

Just to say every single reply is appreciated and if anyone is reading who identifies with this my heart goes out to you.

Sorry I’m really confused OP!

Am I right that you still have your house? But you moved out, and left him to have the house? If so, surely the solution is that you and your child need to live there without him???

He wasn’t lodger, lodger moved out because lockdown. Dad was struggling to cope mentally (with lockdown) at his place so I said he could stay for the duration. Room is en-suite ground floor ( think granny annexe) so anyone in that room is pretty independent.

If you moved out and left the house to him, surely the council will consider yours voluntarily homeless, as you have a house you could live in?

But is he still in your house? And What is the current situation with your house?

I’m totally baffled by this housing situation too.

Your DS’s dad moved into your spare room, and now you’ve moved away? And he’s moved back into his own place and your home is empty, but you’re living in a friend’s spare room and thinking of parking a caravan on their drive?!

And your GP told you this was a good idea? Your son needs to be back in his home. Moving miles away makes no sense. If you’re worried about his dad turning up drunk, keep the door locked and bolted and phone the police every time.

Just to reiterate

Our GP that is our family Doctor advised me to take DS who has additional needs to stay with these particular relatives for reasons of wellbeing and support. Social services were involved when Dad went to A&E in quite a bad way. Social Services then contacted me and said I had done the right thing leaving and going quite far away to a place I and DS have family support.

It might be hard to prevent direct contact if we were at home as Dad lives very close by, ie next street. Also would be extremely distressing for DS.

But who is in your house now? If it’s empty can you sell it?

When I left I thought he’d be in hospital detox by now. If he was in hospital or rehab we could go home.

Unfortunately it seems Covid has blown those services out of the water.

Yes, OhCaptain that’s my plan. That’s why I’m thinking I need arrangements for the next 6 months or so. The house isn’t packed up or ready to go on the market and even doing the minimum will take a fair effort plus I will have DS with me as can’t get home and back in a day and can’t leave DS overnight.

I’m not complaining at all about that I’m really luckily to have a house to sell. In the mean time DS still has additional needs and needs a lot of support, routine and stability.

So are you wanting to move away from area so dad doesn't know where you are?