My life turned upside down when GP advised me to leave with DS

[StartingOver2020]

We’re staying with relatives now but DS has additional needs and their kindly offered spare room isn’t a long term solution. We’ve been here 2 weeks now.

We used to live a street away from DS’s Dad and had him to stay in my lodger’s room during lockdown as he was struggling to cope mentally. He eventually had a full blown relapse of his alcoholism and it got pretty difficult. He was deeply depressed rather than aggressive but still had a very bad impact on DS and it was extremely tough for me.

I’m trying to figure out moving - from DS’s only home - but it’s not quick and easy at the best of times.

I know so many people are having a hard time now. I’ve got a lot to be grateful for. On the other side DS may well lose his Dad, he’s very worried about him. Social Services were contacted by A&E after one visit and they think I’ve done the right thing leaving our home and going quite a long way away where we have family support.

Could really do with handholding, practical advice even a spare biscuit.

[ChiaraRimini]

Hey OP so sorry to hear this.
I'm assuming you plan to relocate to try new area. Practically speaking, is the house solely owned by yourself or jointly with your ex?
If it is solely owned, you can get the ball rolling straight away. I would arrange estate agent valuations now and sell the house in its current state. People sell houses in all sorts of conditions. You could pay a cleaner to do a one-off deep clean. You can get a removal firm to do all the packing. Do you have a trusted friend locally who would be willing to let estate agents/removers in for valuations/quotes?

[ChiaraRimini]

PS It's going to take at least 3 months to sell the house probably 6 or more . If you have the funds to pay for a rental property then also look into AirBnBs in your new area.

[LouHotel]

OP get the house on the market now, I know what you mean by not sell ready but estate agents can work with your circumstances and interested buyers wont be worried about mess it just may a take bit longer to sell just not 6 months longer.

Theres no stamp duty until March if you want to buy again.

[StartingOver2020]

I'm doing research about all these suggestions - thank you for all advice/ideas

[Iggypoppie]

Even if you have to stretch yourself, it's worth it and I don't resent a penny spent on my DD.

[StartingOver2020]

I came back to the thread because my heart is turning inside out, it feels as if things are coming to a head for kidsDad (finally had an idea of what to call him). I've had long calls with his siblings today - I'm close to his sister.

Its deeply upsetting to witness, even at a distance, this horrible illness taking his health, dignity and sanity.

[OhCaptain]

@StartingOver2020 I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine the conflicting emotions you’re feeling.

[StartingOver2020]

Thank you.

KidsDad sent me a text after I was asleep last night, slightly difficult to interpret but crux was he might get sent to hospital.
The night before I had a midnight phone call with him, he was really breathless and feeling very ill but adamant he didn’t want to call 111.

I’m finding this hard to bear.

[KatySun]

I am not surprised you are finding this hard to bear. I am going to sound harsh, but you are not his carer and you are no longer together, so you can pass this onto someone else who does have more responsibility (either professionally or his family). I am guessing you have spoken to support charities for advice? Is there anyone who would be able to help? (I mean, to take the burden off you, so you do not have to deal with this?)

[StartingOver2020]

You don’t sound harsh to me KatySun I keep trying to pull the hooks out and to ask others to help, friends, family, GP, recovery workers, social services. People are stepping up as best they can.

I can see I may need to have a much firmer boundary. I have reduced my daytime involvement in the ongoing drama and offloaded practical tasks. Unfortunately I’m still getting hooked in by texts and calls in the middle of the night.

Thank you for listening! 🌸

[KatySun]

Well, I did wonder about simply switching your phone off, say between the hours of 9pm and 7am. There is nothing you can do in the middle of the night and if he needs to, he will simply have to call the Samaritans or 111 or whichever would be most appropriate.

It is very, very hard to disentangle yourself from the guilt but you cannot afford to go down mentally if you have children to look after. If he has a sober moment, you can provide him with alternative numbers to call. Then concentrate your energies on making sure you have appropriate support.

[AcrossthePond55]

@StartingOver2020

Thank you.

KidsDad sent me a text after I was asleep last night, slightly difficult to interpret but crux was he might get sent to hospital.
The night before I had a midnight phone call with him, he was really breathless and feeling very ill but adamant he didn’t want to call 111.

I’m finding this hard to bear.

Block him. Honestly, just block him.

I ended up blocking my own brother for similar reasons. He was a bad bad alcoholic and looked to me as his 'rescuer'. In truth, I was his enabler. Always riding to the rescue to 'babysit' him so he didn't drink, constant checking up on him to be sure he was still alive. It's exhausting and soul-killing.

A therapist finally convinced me that I was doing more harm than good. That an alcoholic must fall before they can rise. And that in effect, I was keeping him from falling and therefore preventing him from rising (ie sobriety). And that whatever action he took in response to my NC was his own responsibility and his own decision. Up to and including suicide. But that to remember that his alcoholism was in fact a slow suicide in and of itself.

It was the hardest thing I ever did. But I did it. I told him not to contact me when he's been drinking. That I would no longer tolerate him when he was drunk. And I ended up blocking his number when he wouldn't stop.

He did attempt a 'cry for help' suicide and ended up in a locked psychiatric unit. They asked me if I would be responsible for him at the end of the 48 hour 'hold' period (this is the length they can hold without a court order). I said no, I would not. He ended up there for 2 weeks under court order, detoxed and got the MH help he needed.

He's been sober for over 5 years now.

[StartingOver2020]

I think I’m going to have to figure something out with the phone. In fact it’s probably time for a new phone, I may be able to repurpose a pre lockdown work number which won’t be used in the same way in future.

The key part though is making a decision about what is right for me which could be ‘ right that’s it I’ve had enough’ or could be ‘any calls by or about KidsDad will be handled by xxx who will let me know anything I need to know’.

I need to put my time and energy into solving my complicated housing situation as fast as possible.

[AcrossthePond55]

I need to put my time and energy into solving my complicated housing situation as fast as possible.

Absolutely, this should be your no 1 priority.

If there is someone who is equipped and willing to deal with him, let them. But be sure you're 'passing on the burden' to someone who fully understands what's involved and agrees to take it from you.

[KatySun]

There are charities who have trained and professional support workers. I would honestly look at it like that - you are not qualified to give the help he needs. Maybe go back to the GP who suggested you leave and ask how he can be referred on, so that this is not your burden.

I don’t really understand why he is calling you in the middle of the night - if it is despair induced by alcohol (I knew someone like this), then you know that you cannot solve these problems and there are people like the Samaritans who are trained in counselling etc. The cycle will just keep repeating for as long as he knows you will listen. If you give him a list of potential support services to call and tell him that you cannot do that job, then you are helping him honestly. It won’t feel like it, but you cannot be his crutch. As you say, you need to sort your own situation out, and you did not cause the problems

[StartingOver2020]

You are both right.