My life turned upside down when GP advised me to leave with DS

[StartingOver2020]

We’re staying with relatives now but DS has additional needs and their kindly offered spare room isn’t a long term solution. We’ve been here 2 weeks now.

We used to live a street away from DS’s Dad and had him to stay in my lodger’s room during lockdown as he was struggling to cope mentally. He eventually had a full blown relapse of his alcoholism and it got pretty difficult. He was deeply depressed rather than aggressive but still had a very bad impact on DS and it was extremely tough for me.

I’m trying to figure out moving - from DS’s only home - but it’s not quick and easy at the best of times.

I know so many people are having a hard time now. I’ve got a lot to be grateful for. On the other side DS may well lose his Dad, he’s very worried about him. Social Services were contacted by A&E after one visit and they think I’ve done the right thing leaving our home and going quite a long way away where we have family support.

Could really do with handholding, practical advice even a spare biscuit.

[just5morepeas]

If you get on well with the relatives you're staying with and they don't mind you staying 6months I'd be tempted to stay there. You know them and the situation and it's a less changes for your ds.

Could you possibly get the money together to pay for movers to pack up your things for you? It'd cost a bit but has the advantage of getting the job done quickly and you can then get the house on the market as soon as possible.

[OhCaptain]

@StartingOver2020 ah that’s shite

Is six months definitely too long for you to stay with relatives?

[oakleaffy]

@StartingOver2020
Oh my goodness, those Units... So sorry for your Family.

Alcohol really is the worst addiction..Makes heroin look like a walk in the park.

A Drugs project decided to take alcohol users in, and it was easy to tell just by looking, who was an alcoholic or addict.

The Alcoholics were in far worse physical and mental shape.

I just hope to Goodness that he manages to somehow... God knows how..get Sober.

That is a phenomenal amount of hard spirits to be processed by his liver.

You have a huge hand hold from me.. of little comfort, but it must be so hard for all of you.
Bloody absurd that booze and tobacco are fully legal.

Professor Nutt said Booze is the most damaging drug of all..Heroin is benign in it's affects compared to alcohol.

[bigblueboots]

Hi @StartingOver2020, I have no practical advice re housing but sending so much love and solidarity. I'm the child of an alcoholic (now 4+ years in recovery) and from your posts, it seems you know all the essential stuff - you can't fix this guy, and your priority is protecting DS from harmful interactions. The most important thing and most difficult thing I learned as an adult COA was boundaries – until then, I believed that my unconditional love, forgiveness, presence and support would eventually get through to her. You have the chance to model boundaries, to give DS permission to feel every complex thing he might think or feel, and to let him know he is safe with you.

Sending so many good wishes for the road ahead - feel free to DM if its ever helpful.

[Myglorioushairdo]

I understand this is really hard for you (my ex DP was an alcoholic)
Is possible second lockdown the reason you were told to leave your house by the GP? If your house is now empty and he's gone, could you not go back and keep your distance from DSs dad? How old is DS?
You could explain that dad is ill and that's why you're not seeing him at the moment. Things like their own room and toys are so important that I'd be tempted to just go back especially if dad is not dangerous just sad..

[KatySun]

I am really sorry to hear this
My father was an alcoholic and it is very difficult to live with so I think you have done the right thing.

In terms of housing, as your GP and social services seem to have suggested that you move, and the current, supportive environment is best for DS, can you stay there until you sell the house? You know you are safe there. Pay some rent if you want to/are expected to, or course, but it seems to me a separate short-term let might be more disruption. It depends how much space you have and need. Then you can concentrate on getting your old house ready to sell.

I personally think living in a motor home would be worse as it would be cramped and obviously different, and six months is too long - so either stay where you are (best option if there is support and no friction) or get the short-term let, but as I say, I think the latter is adding in an extra thing to worry about.

All the best

[SecretOfChange]

@StartingOver2020 you are doing amazingly well in extremely challenging circumstances. Remember to look after yourself too. Breathe. You will get through this.

[oakleaffy]

@StartingOver2020

He’s 59

I only knew him in sobriety until this relapse. He had years in recovery. A lovely guy, all gone.

I keep thinking things can’t get any worse but they do every day.

So sorry for you losses pointythings the drink takes a lot before it takes the drinker.

That is so extremely sad.

The tragedy with addictions is that the only person who can screech the brakes on to a juddering halt is the substance user themselves.

He has done so well to be sober for so long.
That may be a kernel of hope, a tiny ember of flame, that can be held onto ..so that he may recover his equilibrium again.

It is desperately sad..

But you cannot live with someone {or rescue them from themselves} that deep into an addiction.

Alcoholics when sober can be witty, kind, lovely people.

But on a binge.... they change completely.

[AcrossthePond55]

Could you rent the house out as a short term let? That would give you a bit of breathing space and provide income to cover the mortgage, etc.

Of course if you live in a 'hot' area for houses you may be able to sell quickly so renting it out wouldn't be needed.

[Gingerkittykat]

Why can't you make him leave your home? It's not like it was his permanent home anyway.

[Coffeesnob11]

From someone in a similar situation i empathise. I left in may but rerurned to my house once he left in august. He is still drinking huge amounts(and now gambling). He has seen our child a couple of times supervised by me for an hour each time.
I am finding it incredibly tough. He has no desire to go to rehab and denies drinking. I am having counselling. I wish you the best working out what to do.

[oakleaffy]

@StartingOver2020

When I left I thought he’d be in hospital detox by now. If he was in hospital or rehab we could go home.

Unfortunately it seems Covid has blown those services out of the water.

That is yet more collateral damage of bloody Covid...
How many more alcoholics are not able to be safe in Detox facilities?

It is as if there are more victims of Covid rules than of Covid itself.

Drinking at that level needs proper detoxing...Booze and barbs are the only dangerous things to detox from.

A shame no emergency beds are available.

[RantyAnty]

How old is your DS?

[happythankyoumoreplease]

Oh well at least he'll drink himself to death soon and you'll be shot of him. (And I say this as the child of an alcoholic who drank himself to death). Why have you left your house, why are you comprising your children's lives for him?

[BlueJay99]

If you don't need to return immediately don't. It sounds like having support from family (and distance from dad) is really the propriety at the moment.

In the coming weeks could you look in to the possibility of having a removal firm pack up the house and take the bulk of it in to storage while you arrange for tenants to rent it out - allowing you to rent near family and maintain that distance. What's the school situation like there for your son, if he's still in education?

Selling might be complicated and take longer than renting out. It sounds like you need somewhere to live very soon.

[BlueJay99]

*priority

[GingerScallop]

You have absolutely done the right thing for you and your DS. My brother is an alcoholic back home in a country with next to no support for addicts of any kind. We have tried our best to help him but as you know, no one but the alcoholic can do it. It's got to a point that every day I wait for bad news. We, as a family have on various occasions told the wife to leave with our nephew (hàrd for us as we adore them both), that we will be there for her, but she won't. There is no reasonable relationship left other than that of a carer so to speak. It's very sad to watch. And harder to imagine what memories our nephew is making of his dad. The impact on him. Like your DP, our brother is deeply depressed.
Know without a doubt that you are doing right by your DS. Hope your housing situation improves. Sending you warm love and hugs

[JorisBonson]

Nothing to say except

[StartingOver2020]

Although I am sure I’m doing the right thing by relocating myself and DS it’s a big shock to my system. In fact I feel as if I’m in shock, does that sound ridiculous?

The person I would have talked this all over with died of covid19. I’m so grateful for lots of kindness from friends of relatives. Missing people though.

[pollywollydoodler]

What a crappy situation to have to deal with. Well done on getting away to a supportive environment.
On a practical note would it be worth paying someone/asking a group of rellies to pack up your stuff and put it into storage, so you can get the house on the market

[Bahhhhhumbug]

Sorry am confused. You keep referring to 'dad' Are you talking about your dad/ds's dgp or ds's dad?

[timeisnotaline]

That’s an insane amount of drinking. This is very blunt but is there any need to sell your house if you can get by for six months or so? Do people drinking about 3 bottles of vodka a day really live for years?

[StartingOver2020]

"Dad" =DS's Dad
I couldn't think of a better brief way to refer to him.

I need to create a feeling of stability and routine for DS.

[BritInAus]

Feel for you OP. I left my partner (daughters other mum) earlier this year due to alcoholism. It is the most awful thing and the description ‘the family disease’ is spot on. Offering hand hold, tea, biscuits - and an invitation to PM me anytime (that goes for anyone who gets how awful alcoholism is!) all I can say is you sound like a wonderful mum. Hang in there - it will get better x

[TSSDNCOP]

Is it likely that you have equity in the house you own?

Could option 4 be to get a loan sufficient for a deposit knowing that within, say, 18 months your first property will be sold?

I'd even consider paying short-term rent in you new location as an option above the 3 you describe.