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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Keeping the house? Financial advice.

56 replies

Jazzy87 · 19/09/2020 16:36

I need some very basic help to start to get my head around this before I see a solicitor next week.

In short, husband left me and 2 kids a month ago. Living out of a bag at his mum's, already on tinder etc so definitely no going back from here.
I am fortunate that with a good nursing career I can afford all of our outgoings on my own. He is only working part time and heavily relied on me financially. There's no way he could afford out house/bills even if he was working full time. He may be able to afford a small flat once he's working full time.
He has started talking about me "buying him out" of the house. I was under the impression that as we have small children- youngest is 3. He can't actually make me do anything? I don't see why we should sell the house when I can afford it on my own?
I appreciate he shouldn't walk away with nothing but if I wanted to release some equity to give him say 10k (I've always paid the mortgage, we'd have lost the house years ago if I relied on his contribution) how would I go about that? Would I need to remortgage? What if I wasn't accepted on my own?
Has anyone been through this and have some advice?

Thank you 😊

OP posts:
Agirlcalled · 19/09/2020 16:39

Sorry I can't advise but in a similar situation at the moment so hoping for some wise words. You sound very calm .

Original poster
Jazzy87 · 19/09/2020 16:55

So sorry you're in the same situation, shit isn't it! Maybe we could keep in touch and support eachother through it? I might sound calm but I've had my periods of hysteria and am absolutely seething inside! Hope you are ok?

OP posts:
CayrolBaaaskin · 19/09/2020 17:03

What other assets are there in the marriage? A 50/50 split is the starting point, however unfair that may seem. You will have a decent pension as a nurse too and he will be entitled to a share. It’s possible to get an order to stay in the house longer term and sell when kids are 18 but it’s also possible you could be ordered to sell and give him his share. It’s impossible to say what a court would order without all the background.

I would get some legal advice ASAP. In reality if you can buy him out, that’s likely to be the best option.

Original poster
Jazzy87 · 19/09/2020 17:18

Thank you, he is trying to make out that me buying him out is in my best interests but I don't know if it's doable now and certainly isn't something I was thinking about yet. He seems to think I'd have to give him an amount taking into consideration the increased value of the property? But then has backtracked saying he'd just be happy with 10k. I guess I need to speak to our mortgage company and gauge if I'd be able to increase the mortgage by 10k to give him? But then surely I'll incur more costs with transfering deeds etc? It all seems so much in his favour! And whilst I can afford to live month to month I don't have a pot of money for extra expenses.

OP posts:
BooFuckingHoo2 · 19/09/2020 17:20

He seems to think I'd have to give him an amount taking into consideration the increased value of the property?

This is correct - how much equity and other assets do you have?

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 19/09/2020 17:22

I'd give him £10k sharpish and get the documents legalised if it were me. I think thats a good offer.

Obviously the banks would have to approve this and they are being cuntish at the moment. Has your salary risen since you took out the original mortgage?

MyCatHatesEverybody · 19/09/2020 17:22

Having children doesn't necessarily mean you get to stay in the house without giving him what he's legally entitled to.

The length of your marriage (which includes seamless cohabitation) will influence the outcome as will your pension compared with his.

Psychoseverywhere · 19/09/2020 17:25

If he is agreeable which he seems to be then contact firstly your bank to see if you can release the equity needed. Then you need to contact a conveyancing solicitor about it all.

Original poster
Jazzy87 · 19/09/2020 17:42

Ok so we bought the house for 175k, did a help to buy scheme as a key worker so had an equity loan towards purchase of 35k.
Current mortgage left is £108K.
2 years ago house was valued at 210k.
I am 33, been working in the NHS since 21. He doesn't have a private pension that I'm aware of. Has been in and out of jobs for years. I've been the one paying for everything which is why I'm so pissed!

OP posts:
leafeater · 19/09/2020 17:48

So the equity loan is still outstanding at £35k? On top of the mortgage of £108k. So £143k of liabilities on value of £210k (although you will need an up to date valuation).

£67k of equity - although they start at 50/50, you may be able to argue a different proportion? Or you may need to take your pension into account and offset keeping that with giving him more of the equity?

GeekyGirl42 · 19/09/2020 17:49

He might not be able to insist you buy him out right away - in fact it's pretty damn unlikely you'll have to do that. Mine ended up in court over this and the judge gave me two years and slashed the amount he took out, and he had to pay half the mortgage until I bought him out.

And yes, normally the only way to do this is to take out a mortgage on your own. But the priority is accommodating the children, and no court in the land would ever put his needs above theirs.

If your ex wants equity from the house then he needs to wait until you are able to buy him out or until your youngest is 18.

Original poster
Jazzy87 · 19/09/2020 17:59

I'm beginning to see how completely niave I've been and what a vulnerable position I've found myself in Sad. Not only has he broken my heart he's no able to walk away better off financially! The thing is when our house was valued we put it up for sale and it didn't sell. We are on an estate where new properties are still being built so it never got an offer anywhere near the asking price!

OP posts:
Agirlcalled · 19/09/2020 18:21

Is he paying anything towards the children's living costs? Mine hasn't paid a penny but wants 1/2 of everything. They live with me full time. Seems legally this is okay Angry

category12 · 19/09/2020 18:26

You need to get some solicitor's advice asap.

Buying him out for £10K could be a great offer and investment in your future - but it needs to be rock-solid so he couldn't come back for more. Don't agree to anything right now, you need proper advice.

category12 · 19/09/2020 18:31

Short-term it may seem really unfair and like he's getting away scot-free and better off, but in the long-term £10K isn't going to get him far and you'll have the major asset. But you definitely need to see a solicitor.

GeekyGirl42 · 19/09/2020 18:32

That could play to your advantage if you don't want to stay in the house. Let's say he does get an agreement that in two years you'll buy him out. What the order will normally say is "by x date the family home shall be placed on the market at a mutually agreed price and all reasonable endeavors made to sell it"

Basically means let viewings round and don't put fish behind radiators. And he cannot force any money out until it sells. So it it doesn't sell straight away, he'd need to wait.

Try not to worry about that now. You need to get a good solicitor to take a look at it and tell you what's likely for your situation. Might be you don't need to do anything until kids are all over 18. Just remember no court will ever disadvantage the children in this and you will not have to do anything immediately.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 19/09/2020 18:35

I agree £10k could be a great offer but be aware that the divorce court might not agree (as in he should get more - not less!). When I got divorced it looked like I'd agreed to £50k less equity than I was entitled to but only because exH had paid me a lump sum up front - I had to provide evidence that I wasn't allowing an inequitable settlement.

I know it stings but separation is rarely fair either emotionally or financially.

Arrivederla · 19/09/2020 18:48

How long have you been married for op? Did you cohabit before marriage and if so for how long?

This will make a difference.

Original poster
Jazzy87 · 19/09/2020 19:05

We were living together for 12 years, married for 6 and 8 years into the mortgage x

OP posts:
Original poster
Jazzy87 · 19/09/2020 19:07

If I agreed to pay him 10k but increasing the mortgage, and we then divorced privately would a court need to be involved? I really don't want things to be nasty. He has already walked all over me, he shouldn't then get to fleece me too!

OP posts:
Original poster
Jazzy87 · 19/09/2020 19:10

Nope nothing! He thinks he can just walk away and contribute nothing to our children's future. To be honest he has nothing to give at the moment! X

OP posts:
OverTheRubicon · 19/09/2020 19:16

You need to see a good solicitor to work out what the courts would see as reasonable, and then work out from there what would be acceptable to him. These 'free 30 mins' that people talk about a lot on here aren't common and even of they were, wouldn't be all that helpful as you really need someone who has read through your circumstances and taken the time to give specialised advice. It will be worth it! But probably a few hundreds up front. You can make it cheaper by having an extremely clear list emailed in advance of all your assets (house, pensions, cash, cars etc) and debt in as much detail as possible, and also of current child arrangements and any thoughts you and / he have on this.

In theory a Mesher order can allow you to keep the house for a period (eg. Until.a child finishes school etc), in practice they are a bit of a last resort as they make it hard for the other person to get their own mortgage or other finance and they link you together in a way that's not ideal for either of you.

blue25 · 19/09/2020 19:16

Just a heads up. He’ll probably have a right to half of your NHS pension.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 19/09/2020 19:20

Assuming you're in England/Wales - if you agree finances between you then you get the agreement put into a consent order. The consent order goes to court (just the paperwork, not you) for the judge to look over and agree it. They'll question if anything looks off. Conduct during marriage is not taken into account with regard to financials in all but exceptional cases. Often a pension will be the second biggest asset after property and I believe 12 years together will count as a long marriage. The Wikivorce website has some good free resources for you to get some advice before you see your solicitor.

Lonecatwithkitten · 19/09/2020 19:22

@Jazzy87

If I agreed to pay him 10k but increasing the mortgage, and we then divorced privately would a court need to be involved? I really don't want things to be nasty. He has already walked all over me, he shouldn't then get to fleece me too!
You need a court seal financial consent order before you give him anything to ensure he doesn't come back again for more money. If you don't you could give him 10K he could burn through it whilst you pay off more of the mortgage he then pushes it to court and gets more money off you. The best order is decree nisi, financial consent order and decree absolute.