Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Keeping the house? Financial advice.

56 replies

Jazzy87 · 19/09/2020 16:36

I need some very basic help to start to get my head around this before I see a solicitor next week.

In short, husband left me and 2 kids a month ago. Living out of a bag at his mum's, already on tinder etc so definitely no going back from here.
I am fortunate that with a good nursing career I can afford all of our outgoings on my own. He is only working part time and heavily relied on me financially. There's no way he could afford out house/bills even if he was working full time. He may be able to afford a small flat once he's working full time.
He has started talking about me "buying him out" of the house. I was under the impression that as we have small children- youngest is 3. He can't actually make me do anything? I don't see why we should sell the house when I can afford it on my own?
I appreciate he shouldn't walk away with nothing but if I wanted to release some equity to give him say 10k (I've always paid the mortgage, we'd have lost the house years ago if I relied on his contribution) how would I go about that? Would I need to remortgage? What if I wasn't accepted on my own?
Has anyone been through this and have some advice?

Thank you 😊

OP posts:
Techway · 19/09/2020 19:59

Marriage means you are financially joined.

If you have equity of 60k plus a pension which could be at least that amount, but likely to be more then if he accepts 10k you will be very, very fortunate. He is entitled to house the children so legally he could claim more so that he has a deposit.

Men are often bitter about finances on split but marriage means you accepted a shared financial liability, irrespective of who earmed what.

A consent order has to include supplementary documents and may ask for a breakdown of assets and a judge may not accept your ex having only 10k as both parties. This is a risk a solicitor might be able to mitigate by providing a narrative.

millymollymoomoo · 19/09/2020 20:44

What’s the value of your pension as that also needs to be considered
You don’t have an automatic entitlement to the house even with children

You should seek legal advise and understand what a ‘fair’ settlement could look like

Original poster
Jazzy87 · 19/09/2020 21:05

It's just awful that the only fair thing will be the divorce. That you can be treated appallingly and basically have to pay them off to start your life again. Disgusting.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jazzy87 · 19/09/2020 21:31

Would it be better to sell the house and split profit before the divorce? And then what would he be entitled to in the divorce if neither of us have property or savings?
I can't stop thinking that I'm just being completely screwed over. I wish I'd never met the man!!

OP posts:
Lonecatwithkitten · 19/09/2020 22:21

@Jazzy87

Would it be better to sell the house and split profit before the divorce? And then what would he be entitled to in the divorce if neither of us have property or savings? I can't stop thinking that I'm just being completely screwed over. I wish I'd never met the man!!
Half your NHS pension is would he could be entitled don't underestimate this asset.
Original poster
Jazzy87 · 20/09/2020 07:19

So is that half of what my pension is valued at now? Surely not what it's valued at after 30 more years of paying in to it when we're not even married?! God I must be stupid I didn't even consider this! X

OP posts:
leafeater · 20/09/2020 07:32

No, it's what it is valued at now, at the point of separation.
Final salary pensions are a bit harder to value but you need to get a CETV, then work from there.

leafeater · 20/09/2020 07:34

Also if you sell the house now, you won't know what a fair split is, as you haven't completed the process. So I think these valuations and potential sale should take place in the context of a legal split and divorce.

Itshissister · 20/09/2020 07:37

You really need to contact a solicitor asap.

What has happened for other people wont necessarily happen for your situation.

I know one lady that can stay in her house because of the children but then another who will need to sell!

They usually do a free consultation.

OverTheRubicon · 20/09/2020 07:37

@Jazzy87 they will only calculate pension share on contributions made when living together. It's actually a quick (though depressing) process. An.actuary will measure it to work out what would be the normal split.

Again, you'll likely be better if you can stay civil and try to agree a settlement together. The courts don't care about the morals of who left etc, they're more about ensuring you both have a relatively equal place to live where the kids can stay, and he could argue that he worked less to support your job/shifts etc and has lower earning power so actually needs a higher split than you. I know it feels very unfair, but unfortunately that's the circumstance!

poochiemaloochie · 20/09/2020 07:45

Sorry you are in this position ive been there too and it feels so unfair they get to walk away and cash in on your hard work. Another word of advice if you have an NHS death benefit make sure you change who is your named recipient it if its to go to him. Mine is worth a fair bit and i would have come back to haunt my ex forever if he had got his hands on that as well! Hope you get some advice soon and keep strong - its not an easy time but you will get through it and be stronger for it x

ukgift2016 · 20/09/2020 07:49

DON'T give him any money until you have seeker legal advise.

If you did give him 10k now, there nothing stopping him coming back to ask for more during the divorce. 10k is a good deal for you but find out a way to make this legal without him being able come back for.more.

notdaddycool · 20/09/2020 07:55

The moment he speaks to a solicitor they will surely tell him to go for more than £10k. Maybe speak to one yourself for advice but purpose arbitration? Thankfully not been through this so don’t follow my advice without looking deeper!

Livandme · 20/09/2020 08:02

I'm in a similar situation, brought a lot to the relationship / marriage and supported h working whilst only earning part time. H got a pension and huge earnings.
Yet wants a big chunk of what I've brought to the relationship whilst covering up his earnings and trying to cover up his pension too.
I have no respect for him whatsoever.

Oohmegooliebird · 20/09/2020 08:10

It's tough but imagine the reverse situation. 'My wife only had a low paid job but wants half the house'. That's how marriage and divorce works.

movingonup20 · 20/09/2020 08:17

Firstly you need to look at your total combined asset pool. You then need to look at your needs (not wants) so for you that would be 2 bedrooms.

You need to work out the equity in the house. The asset split starts at 50/50 but you could argue for more potentially as you need to house the kids and he doesn't have the income to provide adequate child maintenance to pay for half their housing cost. I'm guessing you have a decent pension so factor that in too.

Once a buy out value is decided (negotiated) you van then approach your mortgage company to increase the value and they will send the balance to your solicitor who can then pay your exh off.

If you can negotiate without a solicitor you will save a fortune remember, also I've allowed my exh to stay in the house (I've moved) for 3 years, but he's paying me maintenance to do so.

goody2shooz · 20/09/2020 08:29

Give him nothing atm but find a good family/divorce lawyer ASAP. Proper legal advice is what you need more than anything - good luck 💐

OverTheRubicon · 20/09/2020 08:31

@Oohmegooliebird but it's not just that. The actual aibu, if a woman did it, would be 'I've been in and out of jobs for years while my husband worked full time in a demanding job, took the lead on the childcare and also did all the organising. I've now f&#&ed off to stay with my mum and screw new guys on Tindr, leaving him to do the work and pick up the pieces with the kids. Aibu to want half of everything?' Hmm

Florencex · 20/09/2020 08:47

@Jazzy87

If I agreed to pay him 10k but increasing the mortgage, and we then divorced privately would a court need to be involved? I really don't want things to be nasty. He has already walked all over me, he shouldn't then get to fleece me too!
If you can reach an agreement between yourself then you don’t need courts.

Has he actually agreed to settle for £10k, that seems very low concerning the equity in the house. Also that you have been the main financial contributor could favours him not you.

You would need to remortgage as you would need to get the mortgage into your own name and you may need to increase the borrowed amount in order to pay him? Even if you stay with the same provider, it will require new contracts, or you could find a new provider. If you cannot get a mortgage in your own right, then I suspect you will end up going to courts as I would assume he would not accept simply staying on the current mortgage.

Original poster
Jazzy87 · 20/09/2020 08:50

[quote OverTheRubicon]@Oohmegooliebird but it's not just that. The actual aibu, if a woman did it, would be 'I've been in and out of jobs for years while my husband worked full time in a demanding job, took the lead on the childcare and also did all the organising. I've now f&#&ed off to stay with my mum and screw new guys on Tindr, leaving him to do the work and pick up the pieces with the kids. Aibu to want half of everything?' Hmm[/quote]
This is exactly it! Up until a month ago I was completely unaware that be was "unhappy" he told me out of the blue that he didn't love me anymore (on my birthday I might add) was actually having an affair. She blew him off once he'd left me and he's already seeing someone else. I have been left with all of the bills, he's paid nothing towards the home for the past 6 months because his hours were cut. I've always supported him because I loved him and now he's able to completely screw me over emotionally and financially.
He knows what he's done wrong which is why he's started mentioning only wanting 10k, basically to get him a new car, deposit to rent somewhere (he'd never afford his own mortgage) and some furniture. I don't think he's the kind of person who would come back wanting more, but then I also didn't think he'd have an affair.

OP posts:
OverTheRubicon · 20/09/2020 08:59

You need to get good legal advice asap (don't muck around waiting for free 30 mins sessions) and move quickly before he stops feeling so guilty and uses his free time to (a) start thinking of all the ways he can blame.more of this on you and (b) does some research and realises that as the lower earning partner he could even claim a fair bit more than 50%.

Notcoolmum · 20/09/2020 09:39

The £10k would be an awesome deal. But it's not binding until your clean break order is signed. So you could pay him that and he decides he wants more and comes back again.

How long have you been married? How long were you living together before marriage? I had a short marriage (Less than 3 years) but a long relationship (13 years) and was told his rights to my pension would be back dated from when we lived together.

I learnt a lot about marriage by getting divorced. And would never marry again unless our financial situation was equal or I stood to benefit. I think we should be taught about the practicalities of what a marriage is in school. It's a financial contract.

millymollymoomoo · 20/09/2020 10:44

You need proper legal advice
They will want to know the values of the house and and pension
There’s no automatic right to half of everything but all assets are in the pot including pension to make up the total available for division
Until you know this you can’t begin to work out a ‘fair’ settlement
And that’s fair in the eyes if the law, not what you morally think is fair

category12 · 20/09/2020 10:55

It's easy for him to promise he wouldn't come back for more, because he wants the money to ease his situation right now and sees you as an easy mark still.

It's very likely that as soon as the immediate pinch is gone, he'll start looking around, thinking he needs this and that, and the divorce wheels will start to turn and he'll be back wanting his full share of everything.

So anything you agree needs to be watertight and under your solicitor's eye.

Gigglr · 20/09/2020 12:12

I'd move fast and hard to get your divorce finalised while he still has some guilt. He's entitled to a hell of a lot more. But don't transfer one penny until your divorce is finalised. Get a solicitor and get it drawn up today that all he wants is 10k.