Haven’t spoken to my mum In years and she’s dying in ICU

[JacobReesMogadishu]

Guess I always knew this would happen. Always hoped she would try and make amends and we could sort our relationship out before the end but now it’s too late.

Both me and my brother have been NC with her for about 7 years after a lifetime Of emotional abuse. Classic narcissist. Raging at us, throwing tantrums, general nastiness, ignoring us for weeks then pretending nothing was wrong. Final straw was when she said something very nasty about me and my brother to my Dd who was 11yo at the time. Dd told me (and we totally believe her), my mum denied it and said Dd was a psychopath who should be in a mental hospital. She told Dd that!

So it was left that we weren’t prepared to put up with it anymore but if she ever wanted to reflect on her behaviour, and have a serious discussion with us about how she would change then we’d be open to restarting the relationship. She never got in touch with us. Too proud, too stubborn, to unable to see how awful her behaviour is.

She’s fallen out with everyone in her life, her mother, her sister, every neighbour she’s had, every friend, every boss. And every time it’s always them that’s at fault, not her.

She obviously hasn’t put me or brother down as next of kin as the hospital hasn’t been in touch. She has no other family so no idea who is. Her vicar told my step mum who texted me (my dad died years ago). I can’t imagine the hospital would tell me anything if I rsng. I don’t even know what’s wrong with her.

for all she put you through

Thank you.

If it were me, I would do what was best for my mental health and my family.

After being treated the way you were, would it be better for you to not see her or would you always regret not trying?

It might sound selfish but ultimately it's up to you how you want to feel going forward.

I really feel for you x

You are her next of kin unless she explicitly has stated otherwise but the hospital won't know how to contact you. Thinking of you, a hard situation

How sure are you about the information? I don't think people remain in ICU if they are actually dying. Is this vicar a flying monkey trying to engineer a reunion because they feel that people 'ought' to look after their aged parents? I think you should ring the ward and ask what timescale they are giving her. If she is not conscious then there is no point in rushing to the bedside, really. This is a difficult time no matter what has gone on before.

So sorry for your childhood and the situation now. The only question is what do you want? Do you want a chance to speak to her even if she is unconscious? Will you regret it if you don’t? If yes, then call the hospital. If not, perhaps light a candle for her and your regret that she wasn’t able to be the mother you deserved.

Oh it's so tricky isn't it.

I think you could try the hospital and see what they say, because it might be important for your own health if it's hereditary.

Sorry you're going through this

would recommend the Stand Alone website

www.standalone.org.uk/

the podcast may help a bit

I think this is down to how you feel and what you want, and as a pp said, your own mental health.

My DH hasn’t spoken to him mum since he was a teenager and we’ve had this conversation. He wouldn’t bat an eyelid if she died.
She did nothing for him but give him a shit load of mental baggage and physical scars.

@Guardsman18

If it were me, I would do what was best for my mental health and my family.

After being treated the way you were, would it be better for you to not see her or would you always regret not trying?

It might sound selfish but ultimately it's up to you how you want to feel going forward.

I really feel for you x

This exactly! You don't owe her anything, but how will you feel in 5, 10 or 15 years of you don't visit, or if you do?

This is going to sound awful and please don't think I am a greedy or unethical person. Because I'm really not. But I am very practical. She's caused her damage and you have moved on. I don't think she will have had an epiphany or be a changed person. I don't think you will get closure.

But knowing all that does she have any assets? Is there anything she could leave you that is worth visiting her for? It's a tricky one because it may already be willed to the church and she may lie. You will have to be somewhat manipulative and pretend you want to put it behind you. But equally you'll need to be sure that there's something for you, or your DD if you do.

It totally depends on how much you think she can hurt you again.

I'm sorry for what she put you & your family through and I'm sorry for what you're going through now 🌷

If you want to know more, there's no harm in calling the hospital and asking, see what they say, explain you assume youre nok.

But YOU need to do what's right for YOU, you don't 'owe' her anything.

Take care
X

I'd be tempted to go if allowed. Just for a minute. It may give you some peace in the future.

@ MarriedtoDaveGrohl that is a shocking suggestion. Clearly the OP has always had an extremely difficult relationship with her mum, the idea that she should pretend that she wants to make things up so that she knows she’ll be able to get her hands on her money is despicable.

OP there is no right or wrong answer here. Firstly I would ring the hospital to find out exactly what kind of illness she has and what’ the outcome is expected to be, and then decide from there whether you think it would be better to see her or not to see her. The fact that you say that if she had contacted you before you might have been able to get past it makes me wonder whether you would regret it if you just let it go.

Many many victims of narc abuse have been lured to the deathbed of their abuser with the fantasy of either reconciliation or easing guilt or 'closure' or the vague fear of future regret. I have not heard of any cases of deathbed reconciliation. I don't recall any who had even a decent experience.

For intance read this blog post:
narcissists-suck.blogspot.com/2008/05/narcissist-death-beds-and-funerals.html?m=1

Make peace within yourself. Forgive her. If need be send a message via a letter.
If you do go, don't expect anything but meanness and blame from the flying monkeys who sucked you in.

Most of all, being in the ICU leads to death only 10% of the time or so. It's a super powerful hoover. Fall for it at your own peril.

I really feel for you, what a horrible position to be in , for me, the fact that she hasn't listed either you or brother as next of kin indicates that she doesn't want you there
Sending kindest thoughts to you

Ok, I rang icu.

She is in there but doesn’t appear to be dying. She was admitted a week ago onto a ward, abdo pain. She had a seizure last night and lost consciousness. They thought she might need ventilating but hasn’t needed ventilation. She’s very confused still and doesn’t know where she is, what year it is, etc. But they’re looking at putting her on a ward later today.

Some friend I’ve never heard of is listed as next of kin.

The nurse knew we were estranged so I’m surprised she told me as much as she did.

How do you feel now after speaking to the hospital? It isn't about her, it's about you at the moment.

@MarriedtoDaveGrohl regardless of what I personally feel about your suggestion, can I respectfully suggest that money from someone who has caused you pain can actually feel like a huge weight on your shoulders rather than a blessing. I have seen it do bad things to people and they end up wishing they had turned it down. It can be like control beyond the grave. OP please don’t do this. I am sorry for what she put you through x

That's a good start, at least you have a bit of breathing room.

How are you feeling now?

If you wanted to, you could ask them to pass your contact number onto the friend. Did the nurse tell you which ward she'd be moved on to?

PALS would help you if you want help.

You just need to have a good think about what YOU want.

@Guardsman18

How do you feel now after speaking to the hospital? It isn't about her, it's about you at the moment.

I feel a bit sick. I’m now worrying that a nurse will tell my mum I rang. And that if she recovers she’ll think she can ring me/contact me/get her claws into me.

I would not further contact the hospital now particularly as your mother has listed someone else as a next of kin

You do not owe your mother anything and she has not changed even now she is both old and ill

My mum has substantial assets but I’m not interested. I would imagine everything has been left to the church, possibly something to Dd but I doubt it.

The nurse asked if I wanted to leave my number to be put in the notes so I could be kept updated but I said no.