Haven’t spoken to my mum In years and she’s dying in ICU

[JacobReesMogadishu]

Guess I always knew this would happen. Always hoped she would try and make amends and we could sort our relationship out before the end but now it’s too late.

Both me and my brother have been NC with her for about 7 years after a lifetime Of emotional abuse. Classic narcissist. Raging at us, throwing tantrums, general nastiness, ignoring us for weeks then pretending nothing was wrong. Final straw was when she said something very nasty about me and my brother to my Dd who was 11yo at the time. Dd told me (and we totally believe her), my mum denied it and said Dd was a psychopath who should be in a mental hospital. She told Dd that!

So it was left that we weren’t prepared to put up with it anymore but if she ever wanted to reflect on her behaviour, and have a serious discussion with us about how she would change then we’d be open to restarting the relationship. She never got in touch with us. Too proud, too stubborn, to unable to see how awful her behaviour is.

She’s fallen out with everyone in her life, her mother, her sister, every neighbour she’s had, every friend, every boss. And every time it’s always them that’s at fault, not her.

She obviously hasn’t put me or brother down as next of kin as the hospital hasn’t been in touch. She has no other family so no idea who is. Her vicar told my step mum who texted me (my dad died years ago). I can’t imagine the hospital would tell me anything if I rsng. I don’t even know what’s wrong with her.

No I haven’t been asked to help.

Yes, I think I am feeling some obligation, guilt. That this woman will thjnk I’m rude if I don’t offer.

This woman whom your mother has stated is next of kin has not asked you for help so you do not need to offer. You also do not owe your mother, let alone this woman whom she has stated is next of kin here, anything.

FOG is a powerful thing and you seem very much still mired in FOG.

Obligation and guilt are external, secondary emotions that cloud and distort your inner truth and manipulate your feelings. They should never be the driver of decisions.

You do not have to justify, defend or explain your actions, decisions, thoughts or feelings to anyone. Think about how you have been triggered here. She hasn’t asked for your help or judged you. She is likely to be a flying monkey with an agenda and one side of the story. Really nothing positive can come for you to get involved with her - it will I do all of your years of NC. Anything she says or even tone of voice, raised eyebrow will have you worrying.

Step away - this chapter will be painful enough - try to do everything to minimise any hurt. You need your finite emotional focus and energy for your DD - not being triggered and getting your chain yanked in this no win situation.

*it will undo all of your years of NC

I would get back to the hospital and tell them you do not want your telephone enquiry passed on to your mother.

@HyacynthBucket

I would get back to the hospital and tell them you do not want your telephone enquiry passed on to your mother.

It doesn’t sound like she’s well enough to be told/comprehend. But now her friend has been told I guess if she ever recovers more then her friend will tell her.

for you OP, you sound a lovely, thoughtful & caring person.

I am also NC with my Mum & have been for many years, no one ever goes NC with a parent unless for very good reasons. I am usually very kind hearted & would do anything for someone I loved. But I will never see my mum again, regardless of the circumstances. She will never change, and my life is much richer without her in it, she was a terrible mum & even worst GM to my boys. I don’t wish her harm, but I never want to see or speak to her ever again. I don’t feel any guilt or obligation whatsoever.

Do what’s right for you though OP. Good luck with whatever you decide. Wishing you all the best for the future.