DP missing his old family unit

[Melanie288]

Hi MN
I don't have children myself and DP has a 2 year old. We have been together 4 months, things have got serious and we're moving in together. He's been amazing at making time for everyone but he keeps having moments where he gets upset. He left the family home when the child was 1 years old because the relationship broke down and they decided to go separate ways. They're doing a good job at co parenting but he's currently upset as it's the child's birthday soon and it's the first time not celebrating as a family. He said he would never get back to ex girlfriend as the relationship didn't work but sometimes misses the family unit. I do understand but it also throws me off a bit. He says in future he wants a family, hopefully with me and I do too, we have fallen in love and he's genuinely a good guy. He apologises for the moments he gets upset and says he doesn't blame me if I wanted to end it. His family have met me and told him I'm the best girl he'll ever meet and to not mess it up by over thinking. He says he just gets moments and then it passes, he'll be ok once the first birthday apart is over with. He keeps reassuring, keeps making time for me. This whole situation makes me feel a bit uncomfortable, am I over thinking? What should I do?

Slow down!

So why can't he celebrate his daughters birthday with her? How does he get on with her mother?

If you get involved with someone who has had a previous serious relationship, particularly if they have a child, you have to accept that your partner has ties outside of his family unit with you.

How long has he been separated for?

Ah op I was like this when I left my ex of ten years and at the time my little girl was 3. I let my partner a few months after and how he stuck by me I never knew . I had moments like he is having all the time . It will get easier but it takes time . Does he still love his ex ? This is the reason why I was like it . I loved him but obviously couldn't cope now more being in a relationship with him . Has she got a new partner yet ? X

Why can't he have a party for his daughter with his family around him?

You’ve known him for 16 weeks. Do not move in with him. If he left when his child was 1 and his child is, infact, still 1 then you got together very fast after they broke up.

I would slow down a lot.

JaJa

Gets on with the mother fine, she lets him see the child whenever he likes. They are spending the birthday together, she just hasn't involved him with the planning and said it felt strange.

Slow down. You're moving way too fast, especially because he has a young child who will need dedicated time with their dad before you meet them and move in with their dad.

EarringsandLipstick

Separated a year now

Woah - slow down there.

okiedokie

He says he doesn't love is ex anymore, says it feels different with me and looking back the relationship was a mistake, the only good thing to come of it was the child. He fully admits they were both irresponsible. She is happy he's met someone but hasn't met anyone herself yet

Why are rushing into this relationship? You've been together 5 minutes. Press on the break a little bit, and enjoying having fun and getting to know each other.

Pottering

It's all happened quickly. He needed to move out and I needed to move out , we thought, why not together. It's all felt right, until now the moments he gets sad, I don't know what to say or do for the best.

*enjoy

So he had separated from the mother of his one year old right months before you started dating, and sixteen weeks later you're moving in together?

I would say you're not thinking about it enough.

And of course his family are going to push you to stay with him, they've got his interests at heart, not yours!

Have you posted about this before? It feels very familiar.

Slow down. This is a messy situation, rushing things without giving yourself time to think about them will only make it messier.

You've known him a few weeks and he has a child. It's lovely that he and his family think you'll make a great unpaid nanny but have you thought about the reality of this?

And it sounds exhausting and melodramatic. Where's the fun?

Eight months

Is he wanting you to move in to get back the feeling of a ‘family unit’? Or because of genuine feelings for you? I’d step back a bit until he knows you better and you know him better.

it's the child's birthday soon and it's the first time not celebrating as a family

Um, hang on, they had only ever celebrated one birthday for the child "as a family". And with the stated timings supposedly the relationship had already irretrievably broken down at that point.

This is ludicrous.

So how much of the grunt work will you be expected to do when he has this child OP, nice and convenient to have you on hand running about after him and the DC, fours months in you are moving way too quick, I have had cheese in my fridge longer than that.

He needed to move out and I needed to move out

So you’ve bothered straight from living with someone else to each other? I think that’s probably not a great idea.

MrCell

He said he wouldn't want more children for a few years because we need to enjoy the relationship first. I think he probably does miss living with a woman now.

Pottering

He moved out family home to rented flat and I am living with parents currently after living on my own and having to go back to theirs due to covid. He needs to move out his flat and my parents want me out so we all spoke about it, his parents, my parents and we all thought it would be good. My parents have said I'm always welcome back to theirs if I need to sort myself out if it didn't work out.

it's the child's birthday soon and it's the first time not celebrating as a family

Um, hang on, they had only ever celebrated one birthday for the child "as a family". And with the stated timings supposedly the relationship had already irretrievably broken down at that point. hmm

Exactly what I was thinking.

He only actually had the family unit for a matter of months really.

He left the family home when the child was 1 years old because the relationship broke down and they decided to go separate ways.

The happy family unit didn't last long, as the relationship was going downhill and his DC was just 1 when they split.

Was he with her for long before they had the baby? I was just wondering if the stress of a newborn led to the breakdown of the relationship.

I often hear men saying they miss the family unit, but in many cases, they weren't very involved hands on dads at all. They like the image of a family unit, but not the handwork that comes with it...especially with an infant.

Look forward to becoming the second ex.
4 months and moving in You have no clue who this man is after 4 months, believe me.
Encourage him to spend the day with his child and ex as a family.
He's failed once don't be the one he fails with the second time.
Slow down, his child should come first, looks like he bails out when they are little, too.