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Original poster

DP missing his old family unit

80 replies

Melanie288 · 18/09/2020 18:29

Hi MN
I don't have children myself and DP has a 2 year old. We have been together 4 months, things have got serious and we're moving in together. He's been amazing at making time for everyone but he keeps having moments where he gets upset. He left the family home when the child was 1 years old because the relationship broke down and they decided to go separate ways. They're doing a good job at co parenting but he's currently upset as it's the child's birthday soon and it's the first time not celebrating as a family. He said he would never get back to ex girlfriend as the relationship didn't work but sometimes misses the family unit. I do understand but it also throws me off a bit. He says in future he wants a family, hopefully with me and I do too, we have fallen in love and he's genuinely a good guy. He apologises for the moments he gets upset and says he doesn't blame me if I wanted to end it. His family have met me and told him I'm the best girl he'll ever meet and to not mess it up by over thinking. He says he just gets moments and then it passes, he'll be ok once the first birthday apart is over with. He keeps reassuring, keeps making time for me. This whole situation makes me feel a bit uncomfortable, am I over thinking? What should I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Melanie288 · 18/09/2020 19:27

He says he doesn't ever want to go through this again so if we had kids, it would have to be right

OP posts:
Aerial2020 · 18/09/2020 19:33

What do you mean she let's him see the child whenever he wants? Do they have proper contact routine?
You need to know these things. Esp if living together. How often will the child be at your shared house? Have you met the child?

Why are both your parents getting involved, how old is he?

ukgift2016 · 18/09/2020 19:37

He says he doesn't ever want to go through this again so if we had kids, it would have to be right

Pssh they all say that. I also be very suspicious of a man who already at 4 months is being emotionally manipulative. Also this is a man who left his family when his child was only a year old, he runs away from problems. Don't think you are any different.

fantasmasgoria1 · 18/09/2020 19:38

Only you know how you feel. I moved in with my Fiance after only 2 months and we have been together almost 4 years now.

CokeyCola · 18/09/2020 19:38

Stop focusing on what he says and start focusing on what he's done/doing.

ShellsAndSunrises · 18/09/2020 19:42

It's all happened quickly. He needed to move out and I needed to move out , we thought, why not together. It's all felt right, until now the moments he gets sad, I don't know what to say or do for the best.

That's not a good reason to move in together. It's too soon. His sadness is a big klaxon to acknowledge that. He's not ready to be with you. He might want to be. Your parents and his parents might want him to be. But he's not there, and this isn't sitting right.

And I say that as someone who ended up basically living with my now-husband after a few weeks. I had my own place for 8 months, went home twice and then moved in permanently. We were quick. Sometimes that works... but sometimes it doesn't, and you've tried it, and it's not working. He misses his old family. He's bordering on emotionally manipulative in some of his comments... It's not right.

Move yourself out from your parents. He makes his own house arrangements. Slow things down. He isn't really available to be rebuilding with you right now.

Techway · 18/09/2020 19:44

He is grieving his old life, completely natural as the break up is very recent. He needs to process his feelings, which is best done alone as a new relationship is like adding a plaster to an open wound. The honeymoon stage gives a false high which will wear off and the negative emotions will resurface.

Are you both young? As a dad to a young child he should not be rushing his daughter into a new relationship. He really should focus on his daughter and get a home for her.

JenniferSantoro · 18/09/2020 19:58

He’s only been split up two minutes and he’ll be just realising the ramifications of the split, in terms of his relationship with his child. I see it as a positive thing that he’s being honest about his feelings. It’s extremely soon for you to be thinking about moving in, both in terms of length of your relationship and in terms of him coming to terms with the end of his previous relationship. Even if he wanted it to end, there’s still some mental adjustments for him to make.
I think you need to give him some space as it seems like you are moving far too fast.
@SandyY2K makes a very valid point about it often being the men who were the least involved with their children who make the most noise about missing that family unit (I’m paraphrasing).

Original poster
Melanie288 · 18/09/2020 19:59

Cokey

That's the thing, his actions have shown me he's committed and happy so when he got upset twice now since being together, it throws me off and shocks me. He says it won't happen again but I'm sure it will the next big event, like Christmas maybe? Am I over thinking?

OP posts:
Original poster
Melanie288 · 18/09/2020 20:02

Techway

I really do think he's greiving his old life too. I have offered to give him space to process it all but he his adamant he's fine, it's just the occasional blips.

OP posts:
firstimemamma · 18/09/2020 20:02

My fiancé and I spent the first year of our relationship just dating, having fun and living separately - building things up and getting to know each other. A much healthier and less risky approach than diving in headfirst after a few months imo but each to their own.

VimFuego101 · 18/09/2020 20:06

Why on earth are your parents and his parents getting involved in a decision on you moving in together? It sounds like everything is very raw and recent in terms of his separation.

Everything may be amicable now, but that could change in an instant when his ex finds out he's dating someone new. Instead of focusing on moving in with you, he should focus on getting a formal agreement in place with his ex to ensure he can continue to see his daughter, and get himself a place where he can spend time with her/ have her overnight before he brings a new girlfriend into her life.

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/09/2020 20:11

Do you mind me asking how old you both are? And have you met his child? Does he have her to stay over? Seeing her whenever he wants sounds a very loose arrangement, how does anyone make plans if there’s no pattern for contact?

I’m with others saying you need to take a step back and have a think about what’s going on and where it’s going. You’re racing headlong into a life you’re currently not at all prepared for. Who told you the ex was pleased he’s with you? Why on earth are your mums and dads involved?

The people on here who moved in together after weeks of a few months presumably/hopefully didn’t already have children so not relevant.

Original poster
Melanie288 · 18/09/2020 21:29

I'm 28 and he's 33.
The plan is he is going to have child a few times a week in the morning and then one weekend a month

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 18/09/2020 21:36

One weekend a month? Does he usually work weekends and not mornings? It’s an interesting contact pattern.

I’m even more confused by you needing to involve your parents in your late twenties and thirties. He is a parent.

Have you met his daughter?

MsKeats · 18/09/2020 21:39

@PotteringAlong

You’ve known him for 16 weeks. Do not move in with him. If he left when his child was 1 and his child is, infact, still 1 then you got together very fast after they broke up.

I would slow down a lot.

Exactly. very very quick to be moving in.............slow down and relax. Is it looking at you supporting him by paying the half the rent etc. move in with a friend not him. Please. Red flags everywhere. It's too quick FAR too quick.
rayoflightboy · 18/09/2020 21:42

I'm 28 and he's 33

You both sound so much younger.
And if your parents want you out,why did they say you could come back if things didnt work out.

Hes looking at you like a nanny.He gets the dc and looks great but you will do all the work.

I wouldnt move in with him yet.You dont know what hes really like.

user1481840227 · 18/09/2020 21:46

Why only one weekend a month?

frogswimming · 18/09/2020 21:55

Not responding to everyone saying slow down op?

NotaCoolMum · 18/09/2020 22:06

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩This has disaster written all over it. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Aerial2020 · 18/09/2020 22:10

@Melanie288

Cokey

That's the thing, his actions have shown me he's committed and happy so when he got upset twice now since being together, it throws me off and shocks me. He says it won't happen again but I'm sure it will the next big event, like Christmas maybe? Am I over thinking?

His actions have shown he's committed? It's been four months
NotaCoolMum · 18/09/2020 22:11

By the way- EVERYONE thinks their new partner is perfect after only 4 months- he’s on his best behaviour now.... you don’t know him yet. If he’s having these emotional “moments” about his “family unit” during what should be the honeymoon phase for your (Very new) relationship, I’d be seriously questioning whether he’s ready to be with anyone at all yet.

SandyY2K · 18/09/2020 22:16

I'm also wondering why parents are getting involved at your ages...I thought you were a lot younger when you said that.

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 18/09/2020 22:16

@Melanie288

Pottering

He moved out family home to rented flat and I am living with parents currently after living on my own and having to go back to theirs due to covid. He needs to move out his flat and my parents want me out so we all spoke about it, his parents, my parents and we all thought it would be good. My parents have said I'm always welcome back to theirs if I need to sort myself out if it didn't work out.

How old are you? And him? Why are you talking about your future with parents...maybe you are both too young and need some time learning how to live independently . It's very hard to date if you live together. Very hard to separate if you live together and you donr know each other yet. Like others have said.. slow down.
Roguesausage · 18/09/2020 22:18

Ffs. 16 weeks!

Far too soon for moving in and talks about babys. You're being a bit daft.

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