DP missing his old family unit

[Melanie288]

Hi MN
I don't have children myself and DP has a 2 year old. We have been together 4 months, things have got serious and we're moving in together. He's been amazing at making time for everyone but he keeps having moments where he gets upset. He left the family home when the child was 1 years old because the relationship broke down and they decided to go separate ways. They're doing a good job at co parenting but he's currently upset as it's the child's birthday soon and it's the first time not celebrating as a family. He said he would never get back to ex girlfriend as the relationship didn't work but sometimes misses the family unit. I do understand but it also throws me off a bit. He says in future he wants a family, hopefully with me and I do too, we have fallen in love and he's genuinely a good guy. He apologises for the moments he gets upset and says he doesn't blame me if I wanted to end it. His family have met me and told him I'm the best girl he'll ever meet and to not mess it up by over thinking. He says he just gets moments and then it passes, he'll be ok once the first birthday apart is over with. He keeps reassuring, keeps making time for me. This whole situation makes me feel a bit uncomfortable, am I over thinking? What should I do?

Sorry.. missed page 2. Doh.

He needs to move out his flat and my parents want me out so we all spoke about it, his parents, my parents and we all thought it would be good

Honestly thought you were 18 or 19 OP not late twenties and early thirties. Have you thought at all about all the posters advising you to slow down? Have you met his child and has he discussed his expectations from you in regards of his DC?

“That's the thing, his actions have shown me he's committed and happy so when he got upset twice now since being together, it throws me off and shocks me. He says it won't happen again but I'm sure it will the next big event, like Christmas maybe? Am I over thinking?”

The thing is - that’s his actions over 4 months. It’s no time at all. And he’s already upsetting you.

You cannot base a life time partnership on what happens in the first 4 months. Any future plans are based on fantasy not reality because you still scarcely know each other.

This is a man who walked within 1 year of his daughter being born. He can’t really be missing the family unit - he never took the time to build one. Perhaps because you don’t yet have children of your own you don’t realise what a bad sign it is that his previous relationship broke down so soon after his child was born. And now he’s rushing into moving in with you. This has disaster written all over it. Like PP, given your ages, I have no idea why your parents are so prominently involved in the decision-making process.

Look, he may be great. But it’s WAY too soon to tell. Slow it right down. Give yourselves time to properly get to know each other.

Really the only certain things that you know about him are that he isn’t someone who faces his responsibilities, he changes his mind with little thought, and he’s good at telling you what you want to hear.

One weekend a month? Why not more?

@Clymene

You've known him a few weeks and he has a child. It's lovely that he and his family think you'll make a great unpaid nanny but have you thought about the reality of this?

And it sounds exhausting and melodramatic. Where's the fun?

Interesting. Was just thinking how on earth the family would know she's the best girl he's ever met - he barely knows her himself!

Men move on quickly, especially when they have a child/children as they normally want to shuffle the parenting "dirty work" of cooking, routines, cleaning up etc for the child onto another woman to do (perhaps his mother/family have been helping him do it so they're glad theres a woman now on the scene who will take it over in time). There's also the general "home comforts " women provide e.g. cooking, cleaning, organising - hence why he's moving in with you so quickly. Also seems he's trying to replicate what he's lost by moving you in to replace what his partner used to do for him/the child.

You're moving waaaay too fast with this guy. Get to know him properly first.

You need to slow down. Before you find that you've been left on your own with a baby, too - because frankly he sounds very immature and irresponsible and his relationships are easy-come-easy-go. He's upset that he's missing his child's party; doesn't sound like he was too upset when he walked out on the responsibility of creating a stable life for that child. Losers like this walk away at the first sign of difficulty. You don't need him, you can do better.

One weekend is a HUGE red flag for me for a man who claims to get so upset about missing out on things...unless he has an extremely good reason for it!

Just to add that it's interesting he left his child and mother of his child at the point when parenting is challenging. Yet he's talking about doing all these things with you when he barely knows you!

He clearly loved the mother of his child once (or still does, who knows). Having children naturally exposes any selfish tendencies in partners(particularly men, who tend to find it hard to adjust to no longer being the centre of a woman's attention). As a parent you need to be doing all it takes to make a relationship work when there's a child involved, yet he bailed when his son was still so little.

I would be VERY careful OP. Such a man could be very flighty when it comes to self sacrificing which is absolutely essential for a relationship to work when you have a child, and also for truly looking after the child themselves (I.e. NOT just the fun birthday party, play in park bits of parenting).

@LilyWater
I'd be interested to know if he has been taking his child and giving the mother a break at all. The OP said the ex lets him see the child whenever he wants.....but doesn't say whether that's in the family home or not.

@Melanie288

okiedokie

He says he doesn't love is ex anymore, says it feels different with me and looking back the relationship was a mistake, the only good thing to come of it was the child. He fully admits they were both irresponsible. She is happy he's met someone but hasn't met anyone herself yet

Well of course he feels differently about you - you're still fully in the honeymoon stage and have only known each other for several weeks!!

Totally different from a stable, longer term relationship where you know the good, the bad , and the ugly of the other person. That's when you know if true love actually exists. Right now you're both just high on lust and chemistry. Sounds like he's still irresponsible now and he's simply going through with you the same fall in lust quickly, fall out of lust quickly process he did with his ex.

Seems like the type who gets carried away during those early relationship highs when it's just fun with little responsibility then bails to find another woman when the going gets tough. Brace yourself!

I've had things in my fridge longer than your relationship.

Worse than that @lunar1, I’ve had things in my fridge for longer than he stayed with his kid!

When she does eventually find someone else see what he's like . I know he says all this stuff to you . I did with my ex too because I would never admit that I still loved him . If he plays up when she does I would walk away in a second because you will never ever be good enough in his head that is . Don't be 2 nd best . It will
Kill you in the end . I have been there my self a few years back . I'm not saying this is what's happening but I'm just giving you some advice xx

Do you think they should have stayed together unhappy? They both decided to split

I agree with taking it slow, I'm going to give him some space. His parents are being supportive towards me and talking to me. I don't have a close relationship with my family so it's difficult to speak with them.

As to them both deciding to split - perhaps they were just unrealistic about the strain having a baby puts on even very contented partnerships. I think most parents probably get very fed up with each other during the early years of parenting - the exhaustion, the pressure and responsibility of looking after a tiny little human, the fact there's no user manual, bickering about what various cries mean and how to approach a particular situation. Perhaps they were never suited. Or perhaps they were unrealistic about how the early years would be.

Anyway, the main thing is that you're taking it slow. Separate homes for now sounds like the best idea. Sorry to hear you're not close to your family (though I was a bit surprised at your parents' keenness to have you move out - and this explains it).

I think it's pretty normal for things like this to affect people for a long time. At the end of the day, when you have kids, you want to raise them and be with them as they grow up - not be an 'every other weekend' visitor who lives in another house.

The sadness he feels is not an unhappiness with you, rather a sadness that he doesn't live with his child, and he can't do anything about that.

I know lots of people have said you should slow down already, and I'd echo that, but I don't think it's quite as worrying as some people are making out. I'd say it was perfectly normal to miss your small child.

My partner's fiance left him when their baby was 1, and left him with the baby, and even now 16 years later he sometimes feels down when he thinks back to that time, and remembers how he felt, and how difficult it made things when on paper their lives were planned out, and as perfect as it can realistically get.

It's not a sadness that will go away, but hopefully it will get easier as the child gets older and he can have a relationship with the child more than the ex if that makes sense - as they have to deal with things between them when the child is still very small.

@Clymene

You've known him a few weeks and he has a child. It's lovely that he and his family think you'll make a great unpaid nanny but have you thought about the reality of this?

And it sounds exhausting and melodramatic. Where's the fun?

So true.

This is a disaster in the making.

@ukgift2016

He says he doesn't ever want to go through this again so if we had kids, it would have to be right

Pssh they all say that. I also be very suspicious of a man who already at 4 months is being emotionally manipulative. Also this is a man who left his family when his child was only a year old, he runs away from problems. Don't think you are any different.

Well said. Take heed, OP.

Why do your parents want you out? Sorry they have put you in this position to grasp at straws.

@Melanie288

Do you think they should have stayed together unhappy? They both decided to split

I agree with taking it slow, I'm going to give him some space. His parents are being supportive towards me and talking to me. I don't have a close relationship with my family so it's difficult to speak with them.

Why are you so focused on the parents?

Are you not both grown ups?

If you're not close to your parents, why are you even discussing this with them?

This seems all wrong order of priorities.
His first priority should be his child. One weekend a month is hardly anything. Why are you not put off by a man who doesn't fight to see his child more often?

This doesn't add up.

I have 3 children.

DH has never been involved in their birthday planning.

I book a venue, organise food and invitations.

If he wants to plan a party, there’s no reason he can’t.

@LindaEllen

I think it's pretty normal for things like this to affect people for a long time. At the end of the day, when you have kids, you want to raise them and be with them as they grow up - not be an 'every other weekend' visitor who lives in another house.

The sadness he feels is not an unhappiness with you, rather a sadness that he doesn't live with his child, and he can't do anything about that.

I know lots of people have said you should slow down already, and I'd echo that, but I don't think it's quite as worrying as some people are making out. I'd say it was perfectly normal to miss your small child.

My partner's fiance left him when their baby was 1, and left him with the baby, and even now 16 years later he sometimes feels down when he thinks back to that time, and remembers how he felt, and how difficult it made things when on paper their lives were planned out, and as perfect as it can realistically get.

It's not a sadness that will go away, but hopefully it will get easier as the child gets older and he can have a relationship with the child more than the ex if that makes sense - as they have to deal with things between them when the child is still very small.

Of course things can affect people and they get pangs of sadness....but it's also important to remember that many men say things like that about their child or children to make themselves look better, and women lap it up, even though the truth is they are just using their kids to make themselves look good and make little effort with them.

His plan is to take the child for one weekend a month. The OP hasn't came back on to explain why he plans to take the child so infrequently.

So sorry I haven't got back sooner

The arrangement they came to was he is going to look after child three times a week in the morning as he does shift work. Then one weekend a month child will stay over.
I personally think he will want the child to stay over more though which I'm fine with

IMO any parent who moves in with a new partner after such a short time together is a piss poor parent who does not put their child’s interests first. Moving in together should not be on his radar. Massive red flag

Slow down. Live separately. If he is upset about being away from his child so much he should be seeking therapy on how to process his feelings not dumping them on his relatively new girlfriend

You are uncomfortable for a reason. Take the time to work out why

Gosh, why did you have to sit down with all your parents to discuss this. That’s very odd indeed at your ages.

And moving in together after a few weeks when a child is involved, is just really wrong. How confusing will that be for her. Especially if you split up and considering you hardly know each other, and he’s already crying at missing being with his ex and child together, it would seem likely.