Leading a double life with abusive ex

[helpmegetoutofthispickle]

We broke up last year, he was mentally/emotionally abusive, controlling and a complete narcissist. I did counselling, I read books on it and to the outside world I live on my own independently single and happy. The truth is I haven't been able to stop contact for more than a few days, I have left him countless times, but get hooked back in. No one knows we are still technically together and I see him every weekend. I need to break free, but I am so overwhelmed by anxiety that he would show up at my house or work that I reply to him just to stop the worrying.

The trauma bonds are strong and I've already wasted some of my best years on him. Please help me leave him for good this time and get my life back. I honestly can't keep doing this and even fantasies about suicide just to be free (I wouldn't actually do it)

Is there someone close to you who would not judge and who you could go to?

Could you maybe write one last text or email to say you it is not working for you and then block? Guess that he knows where you live so he may turn up at your door in which case, you may want to look for support.

If you can't resist the temptation of contact then you'll have to delete his number from your phone and remove his contact details on all devices.

Hope you manage to break free once and for all.

I know you might not think it's domestic abuse, but it is. Contact your local service. They are marvellous and they won't be telling you off, making you end the relationship or calling him a monster- they will just help you look at the relationship and make informed decisions. Don't be scared of calling them! You won't be forced into making a decision.
Good luck!

Could you move far away?
Sounds drastic but I think it might be a smart idea.

I think it's all well calling 'trauma bond' but the thing is, that really should start to weaken considerably once you know what a narcissist is and that he is one.

I suggest melanie tonia evan's videos on YouTube on narcissists. He is a predator and he means you harm. That has to sink in. Keep reading, keep learning.

I think you may still be thinking there is a nice and nasty side to him. There isn't. He is all nasty.

You have to have some accountability op, for your actions. Because there really is no excuse anymore to keep letting him back like this. Not if you really see what he is.

Buck up, block and stick to it. And if you cant, then move somewhere far away from him so that you cant be tempted to see him.

Also, reading up on codependency might be wise. As it sounds like this may be an issue for you.

I can't move far away, I don't have the money to and all my family and friends are here. I know I need to block him, I'm just so scared of him turning up at my work or home. I will look at the YouTube videos. There isn't anything I like about him and I actively avoid spending time with him, I think it is the fear of what he might do which keeps me in contact. I feel less anxious if I know what he's up to, but I can't live my life like this forever.

So what if he turns up at your work or home?

What would he do?

What would you do?

He could possibly make a scene, he's done this before. He wants money from me for a holiday I refused to go on because of the abuse. He will do anything to get revenge. If he comes to my house I will call the police and I do have cctv. I just don't want a scene at work, it's embarrassing

What does making a scene involve him doing?

Have you ever called the police on him before?

When you cut him off and he shows up, call the police. Many men aren't so brave when the cops show up.

Depending on how big your workplace is, can you alert security about him? That is nothing to be embarrassed about at all. You don't even have to go into detail about the situation. Say he's been stalking you which is somewhat true.

If he does do something, you can then get a no contact order against him.

So he embarrasses you at work - that'll pass, a two-day wonder, next week's chip-paper.
It's not your shame anyway - it's him that would be making a twat of himself.

If he's likely to be violent or dangerous, then police.

Block him. If he makes a scene, call the police. Tell them he is harassing you.

They will take it seriously

I think it's all well calling 'trauma bond' but the thing is, that really should start to weaken considerably once you know what a narcissist is and that he is one.

This is a good point by @Bunnymumy . I know it's not always this easy, but once MN helped me see what my 'ex' was like, all the love was gone. Keep writing. x

Block on everything. If he comes to the house don't open the door. If he comes to your work, so what? It's just some 'nutter', not your fault and he'll soon be asked to leave. xx

Thanks for all your comments this is helping. He can get pretty nasty, accuse me of affairs with work colleagues etc. It's more embarrassing as my bosses think I left him last year and we're supportive of me having a couple of afternoons off to go to the police and sort out somewhere to move to. I feel like an idiot as I've obvs failed and let him back into my life. I'm building myself up to block on everything and the police know I got a Clare's law disclosure on him last year and he has a record for stalking and harassing. I need to cut contact, wait for inevitable harassment then get a non mol, I'm just so anxious about the the harassment that will come

You can't hold yourself captive forever because of what he may or may not do.

Write down all the terrible things he did to you. Keep reading until it sinks in.

Ending it has the potential to get messy yes, but what's the alternative??

Also my work is very small. I've been looking for another job to go to, but with the current climate I'm not having much luck.

I have a list, I know it all and I do not like him. The only reason there is contact is because of the anxiety it causes of not knowing what he will do. When I've cut contact before there has been some stalking but it's so hard to prove. I end up caving so I don't drive myself crazy

He will text me whilst I leave my phone on my desk then it's two phones I've missed. I go into a panic to call him back as I'm so scared he's driving to my work and sometimes he won't pick up then so I'm walking past the windows in case he comes so I can intercept him. I can't live like this anymore

So what does the kicking off entail?

Surely a little workplace embarrassment is nothing in comparison to living in fear. If he makes a scene at your workplace, other people will be able to support the fact that he is publically harassing you.

Also, tell your friends and family what is going on. Tell them everything you have told us. Provided they are decent people, they will really round. And telling them will also make it harder for you to cave to him as you'll have them telling you not to.

He really only has the power tou give him op. Change your locks and block all contact, warn him by text (or other written form as proof) that if he wont leave you be, you will report him for harassment. And if he shows up at your home, call the police. If he shows up at your work, have your colleagues give a statement to the police.

One last battle op and the war will be over. Itll be bloody and hars and scary. But be brave and you'll come through the other side of it - and be free.

You're going to have to go through it then if you want to be rid of him once and for all.

Like another poster said anything will soon be forgotten. Has this happened at work before, are you worried about them finding out you're seeing him again?

I am worried my bosses will think I've been stupid to go back to him and my reputation. I'm going to end it with him. Is it worth saying to him that if he turns up at my work or home then I will contact the police straight away as it's unwanted contact. Do I pay him the money for the holiday I didn't go on because of the abuse just to get rid of him

What @Bunnymumy said.

First I'd change locks just in case. Then send him something written (so you have proof), text/email or a letter needing to be signed for. If you can afford it you could see a solicitor and get them to write on your behalf. That might make it clear to him you're not going to take it anymore. The written communication should state that you don't want any further contact with him and that if he comes to your house or your work you will call the police as he's harassing you. Say that if he harasses you through a third party like work/friends/family you will consider that harassment too. That he is not to contact you in any way. Then block him on everything you can, social media, email, phone.

I'd tell your boss that he is still harassing you and you're worried he'll come to your work place, that you have told him if the harassment continues you'll contact the police. You don't need to go into detail that you're still kind of together. You've been seeing him because he's harassed and coerced you to see him. So tell them he is still harassing you.

Tell trusted family and friends that he's been harassing you and you're scared of him, but you've now taken steps to stop his harassment. That you've told him if he contacts you in anyway or approaches you you'll consider it harassment and report him to the police. Tell them you need their support to finally be fee of him. Imagine not feeling that fear, feeling peaceful, not scared. You deserve not to be harassed and coerced by your stbx. You deserve to be free of that.

If you can afford to pay your share of the money (and it is genuinely owed) then it might be worth doing so in order to take away one of the reasons he has to further harass you.

But either either way, yes to texting him that it is over and that he is to stay away from you, or you will be calling the police. Then block him on everything.

And maybe tell your work so that if he shows up, they can be prepared. Dont worry about reputation, lots of people have met and been taken in by mental scumbags. What matters is that you are choosing to get free. That makes you smart and brave and that's how anyone decent in your workplace will see you.

Oh and before you block, screenshot any messages from him that have been abusive and sabe the text you sent him. Do that they can be shown as evidence if need be.

I had this situation - I kept responding and answering the phone because I was too scared to not know what his frame of mind was like and I also caved in just to make it stop numerous times

Eventually I did manage to get away - but it was pretty awful as he was very angry about it and I was very frightened. It took me ages though so don't feel ashamed.

You can do it!!