Leading a double life with abusive ex

[helpmegetoutofthispickle]

We broke up last year, he was mentally/emotionally abusive, controlling and a complete narcissist. I did counselling, I read books on it and to the outside world I live on my own independently single and happy. The truth is I haven't been able to stop contact for more than a few days, I have left him countless times, but get hooked back in. No one knows we are still technically together and I see him every weekend. I need to break free, but I am so overwhelmed by anxiety that he would show up at my house or work that I reply to him just to stop the worrying.

The trauma bonds are strong and I've already wasted some of my best years on him. Please help me leave him for good this time and get my life back. I honestly can't keep doing this and even fantasies about suicide just to be free (I wouldn't actually do it)

If he wants the ring, let him pay for a solicitor. He wont give a shit about the ring apart from using it a reason to harass you.

Keep safe and starting thinking about you, not him. He's a grown man who can sort out stuff himself. Harassing and scaring you is not the way to do it.

I have just checked my banking and I have sent him over £5000 since we met, I used to pay my half of the bills in cash which was for another £4400 as I only lived with him for 8 months.

You were with him for 8 months and have given him nearly ten grand? Were you two living on champagne hampers? He's completely fleeced you and now he's trying to claim another £4000? If that's for half a holiday, was it a private island in the Maldives?

OP you need to go to the police today. This man is a dangerous piece of crap and he's completely fleeced you.

He has a history of stalking and harassment and those buggers dig deep and don't let up. You need to let the police deal with him.

As far as work is concerned, see what happens when you tell the police. I would contact the National Stalking Helpline for advice and support. They can tell you what to expect from the police, how to keep yourself safe and what you can put in place to stop him: 0808 802 0300

The Freedom Programme is running on Zoom at the moment, making it easier to join a group. I would get yourself signed up as support.

And to be extra careful he could have his phone in his hand, film the ring and then leave it on still recording in his pocket so it gets the sound as he chaps the door and goes 'here's your ring back from Gemma, john' 'right'. Done :)

Going a bit 'extra' now but heyho haha

Oh and just a thought but - the receipt might be for another ring? Sounds like he buys them in bulk xD

@username501 We have been together just over three years so that money is from the whole three years. We only lived together for 8 months before I moved out. It was two holidays, one we too which he booked without my knowledge and second he booked but we didn't go on because I left. Yes I know I have been a mug and it wasn't a champagne lifestyle, I couldn't even leave the house as I had no petrol to go anywhere besides work.

@Bunnymumy the receipt was recent to when he gave me the ring. I wouldn't put it past him keeping a stash. He's given four out I've found out.

Morally you need to pay back for the first holiday you went on. People who control with money have zero control over people who aren't engaged in monetary transactions with them ie if you pay him back he has nothing to control you with. It doesn't matter how long it takes, pay him back. And yes return the ring. You know his way of doing things you said yourself how it's gone with previous partners of his. So cut your ties with him, because at the minute the tie is the money and he will pull at it as long as he's able to.

Tbh I think even if you give the ring back, he will come at you for the hols or if you pay that then itll be sone other shite he thinks (or wants you to think) he is owed. Might be worth just leaving things as is for now with regards to all that and taking things as they come. You've been given some good links above so definately look into those.

One foot in front of the other op. Youll get there. Don't be slow to go to the police if he continues to harass you.

The first holiday was booked whilst I recovered in hospital after a termination he pushed me into. He was very excited at first then decided to change his mind after a month and in the end I had a termination to stop the arguing. I still feel bitter about this. He was begging to try for a baby only a few months after this and refused to use contraception, so I had to take the pill in secret. The second holiday I couldn't even go on as I was terrified going to a country where as a women I had no rights and he could potentially pull anything.

If I have to pay the money back then I will, but it will take over three years and he could use that as an excuse to always contact me. Does anyone know if it's court ordered is it only what you can afford? Would they need to see my earnings and outgoings? And once it's paid will he still harass me?

If I had the money I would pay it in a lump and cut my loses, but it's really not that easy. I will see if I can get some free legal advice too. I will 100% call the police as soon as he harasses me once contact has been cut. Is it worth telling him I've been made redundant (it's a possibility right now anyway), then he wouldn't come to my work?

@Gilda152

Morally you need to pay back for the first holiday you went on. People who control with money have zero control over people who aren't engaged in monetary transactions with them ie if you pay him back he has nothing to control you with. It doesn't matter how long it takes, pay him back. And yes return the ring. You know his way of doing things you said yourself how it's gone with previous partners of his. So cut your ties with him, because at the minute the tie is the money and he will pull at it as long as he's able to.

I think safety is more important.

He will only make up something else to do with money and it will never end.
There will always be a catch.

Giving the amount you have given him over your relationship, I would let him whistle for anything else. He doesn't care about the money, this is all still to control you. You giving the ring, money, whatever it is will never be enough. He will find something else

While he is behaving like this towards you, you owe him nothing. He doesn't get to bully you into giving more money.Your well being is far more important.

The national helpline for stalking is a good idea as another poster has given the number.

@helpmegetoutofthispickle

If I had the money I would pay it in a lump and cut my loses, but it's really not that easy. I will see if I can get some free legal advice too. I will 100% call the police as soon as he harasses me once contact has been cut. Is it worth telling him I've been made redundant (it's a possibility right now anyway), then he wouldn't come to my work?

No don't tell him ANYTHING. Nothing. Nothing at all. Dis engage. Withdraw all attention. Please stop worrying (easier said then done) about the money. It really is not important.

Call the police and tell them you are scared. They will listen and he will be on their radar even if you haven't got any evidence yet
Get back up from professional like the police, woman's aid, legal etc.
You are not alone in this. Others will help.

Don't wait for him to harass you again OP. Just contact the police and tell them everything. In the first case, I believe there is reasonable expectation that it was a gift. It was booked without your knowledge and nothing was said about you paying half. If you planned the second with him and he paid for it with the understanding that you would pay him back, then you do owe him the money. However, you need advice on that which you can get from somewhere like the CABx. I would also send him back the ring.

Loosely this is my plan-

*Call womens aid and get some extra advice
*Look into legal advice
*Call police advise what's happened and happening with relationship ending and my worries, so there is a record and possibly a flag on my address.

• Text him saying it's over and anymore contact is harassment and will be passed onto the police. *Arrange for brother to drop off ring. *Tell employers my worries so they are aware. *Be conscious of being followed etc.

That's really good OP.
Stay strong.

You don't really need legal advice, you need somewhere like the CABx who can look at all the details for you first and help you work out how much is owed to who for what. They can also give legal advice or refer you on to a solicitor if need be.

You can also offer an amount towards monies owed but you need to talk to someone about that.

Your first port of call should be the police. They will advise you on what to do, whether to send a message or not. They may tell you not to as they'll speak to him on your behalf.

I wouldn't tell work yet. He may back off once police are involved, especially if he has a record for stalking.

Sounds like a good first few steps op :) Womens aid and others might be able to add more. Don't let him talk you into meeting him in person for any reason.

I'm so scared, but I know I can do this and I need to do it, I can't be stuck like this for the rest of my life. I'm hoping I can speak to womens aid tonight.

Good luck op. Is there somewhere you can stay for a few days if need be? Or someone that can stay with you?

Also, it might be wise to pack a bag of some clothes and stuff that'll cover a few days incase you need to grab it and bolt. Of course if he shows up you can just call the police but it might feel safer knowing that if for some reason, you need to, you are prepared to just grab a bag and get away for a bit.

You can do this op it too me years of trying to leave my abusive ex, but I did it and I've never looked back.

I found a lot of his threats, were just that, threats used to keep me in line. It's highly unlikely he will carry them out if he thinks you are serious about calling the police. He might try it once, but hey, just remember it's him that's in the wrong, so don't engage, you will have told him already, simply phone the police and let them deal with him.

If the ring is valuable and it was a gift, I would sell it eventually to pay off the holiday debt. But I stress the word eventually as the money aspect can wait, let him use the small claims court as it will be further evidence of harassment if needed.

I think you may struggle to get through to Women's Aid and that will put you on a dangerous situation where you want to leave him but don't feel able to do it before you are next due to see him (this weekend?). Be very careful. If you need more time before you act, I would make up an excuse not to see him.

I would push on with legal advice and police contact. Do you have someone in real life you can confide in? Breaking the silence will be immensely helpful.

WA or any other DV organisation (there's more than one) will tell her to call the police, not to let him in and to stop contact.

Please don't give this man any money, it is clearly a means of controlling you as it only comes up when you try to end the relationship. He's just trying to think of ways in which you 'owe' him as a way of continuing contact. He booked one of these holidays without your permission, and the other he could have cancelled but chose not too- in his mind it was way too tempting a technique to make you feel guilty as a means of controlling you. These were both his decisions, not yours. If you give him the money he will just think up another way of continuing this torture. And please tell your boss you're still being harassed, the details of your continuing contact don't matter, but the harassment does. Really, you've nothing to be embarrassed about.

I've made up an excuse for tonight and will continue it for tomorrow too. I'm going to speak to my friend about it this evening as she's been through something similar. I do feel pretty secure at my house, I'm on the first floor and have cctv.

I was a little scared to write on Mumsnet in case I was ridiculed

No one here would ridicule you for being abused OP.

If you want rid of him this time once and for all you have to make sure you absolutely don't cave at any cost.

if you give him the money he will just think up another way of continuing this torture

I agree with this

I also don't think you should tell your work you got back with him (as there's obvs been incidents before), tell them he's still harassing you, and you're taking steps legally to put a stop to it.