Leading a double life with abusive ex

[helpmegetoutofthispickle]

We broke up last year, he was mentally/emotionally abusive, controlling and a complete narcissist. I did counselling, I read books on it and to the outside world I live on my own independently single and happy. The truth is I haven't been able to stop contact for more than a few days, I have left him countless times, but get hooked back in. No one knows we are still technically together and I see him every weekend. I need to break free, but I am so overwhelmed by anxiety that he would show up at my house or work that I reply to him just to stop the worrying.

The trauma bonds are strong and I've already wasted some of my best years on him. Please help me leave him for good this time and get my life back. I honestly can't keep doing this and even fantasies about suicide just to be free (I wouldn't actually do it)

This is all brilliant advice and I feel like I can start getting a plan in place now. I was a little scared to write on Mumsnet in case I was ridiculed, but honestly this advice is great and making me feel I have some power

Op, it takes most women who have been abused several attempts to leave their abuser. You are not stupid. And you do have the power to get free. You can do this.

I think if you can, I would try and remove the threat of your bosses finding out from him by telling them yourself. Explain that you are grateful for their support last time but they may be aware that it can take abused women several attempts to break free, as @category12 says. You've made progress by leaving his house and setting up on your own and now you're ready to take the final step and get him out of your life completely.

If he is out of pocket because of the holiday I would pay him the money so he can't claim that you're making up the harassment and actually all he wants is his money back. But remember it is very likely he will just then move on to the next plausible excuse to try and guilt you into remaining in contact. So you have to draw the line somewhere.

You have all the power you need to make a new life for yourself. Don't be afraid of what other people will think.

I've worked it will take me over 3 years to pay back the money as I can't afford to pay it off in one go. It was for over £4000

What were the original terms? Surely your half wasn't 4 grand? Why was it cancelled? (Because of the spit?) Did he have enough warning to cancel and get the money back but refuse to do so?

Also, you could argue that he knew you would never realistically be able to pay it back and therfore, it was a gift.

You’ve just got to bite the bullet and let him do his worst - then phone the police. My ex turned up at work and sent the director some private photos we had taken. Work was very good about it and totally supported me. When I called the police he stopped.

It was two holidays, one I went on which he went ahead and booked it without my permission. The other one I found out how dangerous he was and left him. He had a month to cancel but didn't and refused to go on the holiday himself. He might have cancelled it and got some money back, I have no idea. Everytime I have left him he's made it clear I owe him for both of these.

@Reubenshat he sent private photos of you? My partner apparently did the same to his ex before me (that's what she's told me directly). I would be complexly mortified.

Keep a diary for all the times you think he is stalking you. This will be evidence if needed.

Forget the money for now. Your safety is more important. He will use it to keep you hooked in so it's not important right now

Document everything. Ignore. Don't ever reply or speak to him. If he turns up, don't answer the door and call the police

I didn't know I could call the police for these things but you can. Call them and say there is a man at your door harassing you. Keep doing it everytime he does it

Ok so you may not owe for the second holiday. He could have cancelled and he didn't so it's arguably on him (provided he would have got the money back if he had cancelled). You could speak to the travel agency and ask about their terms and conditions regarding cancelling a month before. There may have been a non refundable deposit.

The first one...you ate the burger so you cant go 'oh but I never wanted to go'. You went. The only way you are exempt from paying for that one is if he told you it was a gift and you didn't have to pay him back. If he told you that at the time, he cant change his mind now.

And considering he had booked you a second holiday before you paid him back for the first, that lends weight to the idea that the first was a gift. It could also be argued that if he knew you couldn't pay him back for the first holiday, then he reasonably knew you wouldn't be able to afford to pay him back for the second one and so, it was obviously to be a gift too.

You could just set the money issue aside as you certainly don't want to be tied to him for 3 years hense fourth. He may decide to take you to small claims court though. But if they're anything like the judge Judy cases I sit about on my arse watching far too many of, then the reasoning should be similar to my reasoning above :)

Maybe wouldnt harm to get some legal advice though.

For now focus on shoring up your defences.
You may find if you get the police involved, he will be more inclined to leave you alone. Dont look to compromise with him, his sort take kindness and compromise as weakness.

And as pp said, there are more pressing issues atm though. Like getting yourself safe and warning others about what's going on so they can keep their guard up for you too.

And thinking on it if he wanted to pursue that money legally, he would have to deal with even more people finding out that you left because he was abusive. And I'm betting he won't want to do that. Especially considering it doesn't sound like he is short on cash. More likely it is just an empty threat tactic to get you to hang around.

He's only ever asked for the money back when I leave and I know he has taken both ex partners before me to the small claims court, first he got nothing which included gifts and home improvements to her property and second one was for an engagement ring which she had been trying to give back to him since they broke up. I also have a v.expensive ring from him, do I give it back to him when I leave him? He has literally showered me with gifts the whole way through and as someone who has had a limit earning capacity the last few years it was flattering, but not something I want. Money is a control thing to him and he was financially abusive. When we lived together I was living off a credit card to survive as he would but expensive stuff for the house and demand half.

I would let him go to small claims courts for the holidays - if you never agreed to them then he can go whistle.

Unless he has it in writing/texts where you agree you owe half? But I would still let him take it to court, even so, and then pay in smallest amounts the court will agree, according to what you can afford. Just set up a direct debit/standing order and never think about it again, after.

I'd return the ring.

@helpmegetoutofthispickle

He's only ever asked for the money back when I leave and I know he has taken both ex partners before me to the small claims court, first he got nothing which included gifts and home improvements to her property and second one was for an engagement ring which she had been trying to give back to him since they broke up. I also have a v.expensive ring from him, do I give it back to him when I leave him? He has literally showered me with gifts the whole way through and as someone who has had a limit earning capacity the last few years it was flattering, but not something I want. Money is a control thing to him and he was financially abusive. When we lived together I was living off a credit card to survive as he would but expensive stuff for the house and demand half.

Honestly, sod the money for now.

He does not get to behave like thsi and dictate to you about what you owe him when he is harassing him.
Let him go and vent about it on his own, give no audience to this. This is a power trip to him to keep you scared.

Get the police involved as soon as you feel he is stalking you. They will take it seriously and you will then have it on record.

He uses gifts as obligations. Each time he gives a gift he actually gives a 'now you owe me'. But gifts are gifts and cannot be taken back years after they are given. The exception being things that were given right before you left. Or engagement rings.

That being said I would personally give back the ring if you think its something he may come at you for. But make sure you have a witness to you giving it back to him. So that he can't claim otherwise. It's very important that he can't just take it back and then lie about never getting it.

I think i'd also get the ring valued for my own curiosity before giving it back. Incase it wasn't as expensive as he says. That way if it is cheap and he tries to claim you gave him a cheap one back instead of the one he gave you, you can tell him you have a jeweler who can say otherwise (even if you don't, he doesn't know that).

I definately think it would be wise to seek some legal advice. Especially knowing he has take people to court in the past. Though the good thing is, because of his history, the judge will see he has form for using gifts for control.

He is a right sticky bastard op but stand firm. Speak to womens aid. They might be able to better direct you in next steps.

Sorry harassing you!

I have just checked my banking and I have sent him over £5000 since we met, I used to pay my half of the bills in cash which was for another £4400 as I only lived with him for 8 months.

This is all great advice. I think i'll forget about the money for now and let him take me to small claims. With the ring do you think it's worth posting it back to him with proof of postage. I've seen the recipt for the ring and know the value, as he loves to show how much he has spent on me. Why can't it be as easy as saying sorry it's not worked out and moving on.

Auch well then, I think he can consider himself well and truly paid back for anything then op. It sounds like any 'gifts' he bought you were self gifts. I think financially he has already taken you for a ride.

Delete and block the bastard. And if he wants to attempt court then you can just show your solicitor those back statements and work it all out at the time. Might be worth printing them and keeping a copy on hand.

I wouldn't contact him at all. Not right now.

Any contact he will use see as a way in.

Ignore. Block. And call the police if need.

I've just printed them all out and placed in a file, I wont let him come to my house and he hasn't been here since March so there is no chance of him finding them. I'm going to call womens aid this weekend and get some more advice. I'm scared of the fall out of when I do end it, the anxiety literally sends me into panic attacks and scared of my own shadow.

I'm not sure about recorded postage. I think someone mentioned they did similar but showed the posty the ring and told them what was what before posting just so he wouldnt be able to claim he got the wrong ring. To have a witness. But maybe thars a bit dodgy. If you had a solicitor, they could post it back to him on your behalf? Know its added expense but...

That being said, maybe that's just me being over cautious.

I didn't think of a solicitor, but i'm not sure I could afford one. I could deliver it with my brother as a witness. He's a complete wimp around other men and won't start anything.

Maybe your brother can deliver it himself. If you trust him to do so (or you could wait in the car). That way you dont need to see the git.