Im at my wits end with my husband [content warning: concerns domestic abuse]

[mummybear2918]

We have been married for 3 years and have 2 young children. My husband works Monday to Friday which is fair enough be he does absolutely nothing with his children and doesn't help around the house. He doesn't play with them he rarely changes a nappy and has only gave our 5 months 2 bottles in his whole we life. He never bathed them and hes never put any of them to bed. When I mention it he gets angry and then twist it cause we are rarely have s*x as I'm just rushed off my feet everyday, he says I need to change and start having more us time and then when he sees me change he will which is ridiculous cause hes a dad.
His temper is a different story when we argue he doesnt like what I have to say he yells for me to shut up and if I don't her started punching and breaking things. Yesterday he punched about 4 wholes in my kitchen door while DD was watching and she started crying that same night she woke 20 crying. After the kitchen door he nearly ripped the stair gate off the wall and he lifted the babies bouncer as if he was going to throw it. When hes in this maddness of anger he says things like if I don't shut up he is going to punch the f*king life out of me or ripped my f*king throat out... I don't know what to do I've told him 10000 times he needs professional help but doesn't listen. We are homeowners and have the 2 children to think about but I keep thinking I need to leave this. What would you all do? Plus I don't have many friends to talk to about it my friends are his friends

Leave leave leave. Run for the hills op. He will get worse. You can't fix him. He will turn on you soon. This isn't about a lack of sex ( yuk to that thought if he behaves like this) it's about him being a abusive bully. Get out quick before your kids think this is normal behaviour.

OP you need to leave. If you don't, someday trust anger will be directed at you and eventually at your dd. Abusive men abuse their daughters just as often as their wives. Please put your daughter first since I know it's very hard to leave just for yourself.

Please leave him, this is an incredibly abusive situation for you & your children to live in. Contact Women's Aid to talk through how you can do that safely. You can report what happened yesterday to the Police, it is likely they would arrest him and may be able to put in a domestic violence protection order if not bail conditions to give you some safeguards for a period to allow you to seek a non mol or similar. This will not improve and it is likely he will escalate to actual physical violence.

OP, you poor thing, those photos are chilling.

I know there’s lots of advice on this thread to leave, and of course you must keep you and and your kids safe, but please talk to Women’s Aid and the police about your options. Him leaving the house would be a much better option than uprooting your and your kids because of his behaviour.

@mummybear2918 I’m so sorry this happened and I completely agree with everyone else, you need to leave and fast. This is not your fault but it a scary pattern of abuse and it could escalate. And don’t hesitate to call 999 if you need an immediate response.

You aren’t alone and you can do this

@mummybear2918

Yeah they must not have uploaded corrcetly. Hes just went to work this morning and before tried to speak to me morning about going to do shopping tonight etc

They uploaded for me.

But we don't need to see them to advise you to leave, in whatever way is safest for you. 💐

You definitely need to leave. Speak to family, friends etc tell everyone, speak up, do not feel that you can't, people will listen. They will help you. The next time those punches will be your face. I've seen this before and sadly one family ended up in 5 graves.

Get some support to leave him as you and your kids don't deserve to live in this kind of environment. previous posters are right in what they have said about social services getting involved as if the kids say something at school or the neighbours call the police then they will worry about your ability to protect your kids if you dont take action. contact womens aid or a local domestic violence agency and they will help you leave safely and be careful as the time during and after a wonan leaves an abusive partnet is the most dangerous.

Oh love this isn't normal or OK. You need to leave. He is dangerous and you don't want your children to see this behaviour. I know you said you have a home together but this can be worked out. What is your financial situation? Could he live with family?

Oh op your poor DD must have been so traumatised seeing him behaving so violently, this will affect her long term and the only option is to take your children away from him.

I am so sorry but there are lots of posters here who can help guide you, please keep you and your dc safe by leaving.

I'd say almost certainly your DDs crying and night waking was due to being terrified seeing her father behave like that.
I recall from another thread that it can take women's aid a bit of time to get back to you as they're really busy at the moment.

Have you family and friends you can tell and get support from?
Definitely leave, this will get worse not better.

Is it because of what she saw?
Yes.
Your daughter was terrified and traumatised.

Please find a way to leave him.

I agree, your DD was scared and feels insecure.
If you stay, she's going to learn to hide and ignore scared feelings. That's very dangerous for her, fear is there to protect us and so if she numbs it/ignores it she could put herself into all kinds of danger.

Please leave him. For yourself as well. You deserve better

I know there’s lots of advice on this thread to leave, and of course you must keep you and and your kids safe, but please talk to Women’s Aid and the police about your options. Him leaving the house would be a much better option than uprooting your and your kids because of his behaviour

Exactly. Call the police ASAP.

Bloody hell hes a nightmare and you need to get him out of your life. God, why would anyone think this was in any conceivable way acceptable? OP he's dangerous.

I always try to look for a solution in relationship problems, because I believe that marriage vows matter. However, this can't be fixed. He is warning you that you or your children are next. In my experience, men like this do not change except for the worse.

If you contact your local police station, there should be an officer who deals with domestic violence. Talk to them. If you need help in removing him from your home, they are the people you need. They can also give advice about keeping safe, because the most dangerous time is when you leave and for a while afterwards. Women's Aid are great, but it can be really difficult to get through to them and you need help today. I would still call them though, for support in the longer term.

You have seen how this has affected your child already and it will only get worse. However, there is hope and support. I think it might be a good idea to consider talking to SS yourself- they will be able to advise and support you in keeping your children safe and in no way will be blaming you or seeking to take your children. Good luck, and well done for recognizing that this is not something normal, or that you have to put up with.

Can you phone the police and women's aid today whilst he's at work? Keep yourself safe, you need to leave him

You are already looking after your kids alone so you can do this somewhere else alone and away from him. And when you go to bed at night you will have the space to feel safe and your children stay safe. Dont worry about the mortgage. Contact womens aid sooner rather than later. Good luck and big hugs x

He's dangerous. Next time it might not be pictures of a damaged door, it may well be you or your children. He's already traumatised your little girl, how much more damage will she need to suffer? You need to leave now for your own safety and for your children's safety.

I would say it's only a matter of time before you are hit. Before long, or possibly even now, you will be walking on eggshells to avoid his violence. Your dcs will be terrified and will learn that this kind of violence is both normal and acceptable. This will make life very difficult for them in all kinds of ways throughout their lives. I'd get out now, if not for your sake, for the sake of your DCs. I'd also report the damage / violence to the police so if you have an official record that you can refer to in court if necessary.

You certainly need to get rid of him.

Call the police on their 101 number and tell them everything you have described on this thread. Ask to be put in touch with the local domestic violence team. Show them the broken door if they agree to come round. Or send them copies of your photos of it.

Leave with the children if you need to and have somewhere you can go to. It would be ideal though if you could persuade the police to get him out of the house so that HE leaves and you and the kids can stay there in peace. They might do that if you make a report.

The world is not ideal though, so be prepared to leave with the kids if needed.

Are there cultural differences coming into play here?

I also meant to say that you should contact Women's Aid toom

Too.

Zerrin13 no