Share your stories of love bombing and discovering the dark side

[BraveGoldie]

I would love to hear people's experiences with love bombing.

How long did it last?
What were the warning signs you saw then or realize you missed?
How and why did it end and you realized he wasn't what you thought?

I am asking because I had assumed it was a short term dating thing - but a recent post was from a woman who has experienced three years before the narcissistic 'true personality' came out. Made me realize I did not know as much as I would like to about this.

Thanks for sharing your stories of lovebombing and discovery! I am sure it will help other women avoid the same pitfalls.

I've never seen it last beyond 6 months (usually more like 6 weeks). I've heard others say otherwise but I think those are the exception, not the rule. Just because the lovebombing drops off though, doesnt mean the mask fully drops at the same time though. And if you're still smitten from the dizzying high of the lovebombing phase, you might still be too caught up to notice the changes. Or more reluctant to see them.

Ah interesting..... and is it really a 'mask'? Like a conscious manipulation on their part, or is it more that their character defaults lead them to over to top idealization, followed by (in their eyes) betrayal and disappointment, when 'reality' lands?

I am also curious about culture? I think in some cultures, extreme, early expressions of devotion (talking about marriage) are an expected part of showing that your intentions are honourable... so wondering what the other flags are that something is not right with that?

Are others experiences the same - that it's normally over in 6 months or less?

I would say for most part it's the character of the love bomber, I am heterosexual so from my experience the man is normally has a past with many women he is popular them with them as he is charming when he wants to be and good looking (mostly)
He meets a woman who he finds attractive and is overwhelmed, he needs to seduce her for whatever his motive is, sex, could be a relationship they don't always what a ons, the woman in his eyes that he hardly knows is perfect, he has put her on a pedestal, gifts, declaring love, marriage and babies until a few weeks down the line when he realises she is a human after all with flaws or won't be controlled by him, the compliments stall, contacts her only when suitable for him, future plans are no longer talked about but he doesn't end it, he wants her around when he feels like it, nice enough sometimes so she won't leave but at the same time isn't giving her the love and respect she deserves, she feels in a constant state of confusion, she thinks is it her or is it him.

So basically it can last along time until the woman feels strong enough to break it off or the man love bombs and takes off never to be seen again, to someone else.

I had a recent experience of this. I did notice that he seemed to put me on a pedestal of calling me an angel, saying that no one had ever been so nice to him, crying with gratitude. Really full on.

This was then followed by incredible sulks, abusive language, storming off, bizarre accusations, which happened on a pattern of when I had paid 'too much' attention to someone else or spent some time doing something for myself that he wasn't included in.

I gave him a few opportunities to change, which he promised to do and then failed to do so. He would then continually tear into me wherever I didn't live up to his ideal of him. I have a very strong sense of self esteem and have a lot of loving and caring friends. So I was able to end the relationship quite quickly. But I do worry terribly about him becoming involved with someone more vulnerable.

However, I've blocked him, due to receiving suicide threats during previous attempts to extricate myself.

He also wanted very quickly to move in together, was saying he'd never felt this way before. Which given that he had been married previously, I found quite offensive towards his ex wife.

How long did it last?
The whole relationship lasted for around 2/3 years but the mask slipped, so to speak, a couple of months in.

What were the warning signs you saw then or realize you missed?
I realised that I had missed him being aggressive to inanimate objects! He punched his car window when he took the wrong exit on a motorway and he kicked some plants when he was annoyed at me. The first warning sign I properly remember is being out with him and his friend. We were in a pub and sat in a booth, my ex was sat blocking my exit. Out of nowhere he just absolutely went in on me in front of his friend for no reason, calling me a cunt, twat, dickhead, nobhead etc. I tried to leave but he wouldn't let me past. His friend eventually made him let me go and I walked off. He followed me, cried and got on his knees begging and I forgave him Biggest mistake ever.
Other warning signs:

• After our first argument he drove to my house with a massive bouquet of flowers and chocolates.
• He booked and paid for a surprise holiday abroad for us after knowing him two months.
• After being with him for three months he bought a house in the same town I live in.

How and why did it end and you realized he wasn't what you thought?
I realised he wasn't what I thought very, very early on. However, I chose to ignore this.
It ended after 2/3 years, by this point we lived together, had animals together etc. He didnt really end the relationship as such, one night while I was in bed he just disappeared He ghosted me. This was a cycle throughout our relationship, he would often ghost me. The final ghosting was the best thing he ever did for me!

The previous relationship to my now marriage was a love bombing one.

I met him through a mutual friend. He was messaging me all the time early on and I had to call my friend for her to vouch for him which she did. We carried on, after a few days he told me he had told his friends that he thought he had met “the one”. Told me he loved me after a few weeks even though he had been on a works trip for most of that time. Talk of children and baby names soon followed.

The relationship lasted eight months in total. He ended it out of the blue by email.

My 'ex' does a more subtle manipulative thing where he will message a lot, so all the women he's chatting to think he cares, talk to him, and he tries to make himself indispensible.

Then he uses them for sex.

This messaging is as much as he feels he needs to to get what he wants.

He will discard people if they become too much trouble or he CBA for a while as he has other stuff to deal with- but he tends to be back messaging within a few days. When he does this discard he will tell the person.

I wish I had blocked him the first time he discarded me. As I didn't, it meant the power was virtually all in his hands for the duration of the 'relationship.' He also would pretend to be there for people the whole time, but if you genuinely were going through a particularly bad time he would be deliberately unhelpful/cruel, because this 'supportiveness' has to be all on his terms.

We were 'friends with benefits' and I gradually realized he was using me for sex and wasn't a real friend. I didn't know at all, but I'd started to realize some of his constant sexual nagging wasn't quite right. I made a thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3800172-Is-it-ok-for-a-lover-to-ask-repeatedly-for-sex-acts-he-knows-you-dont-want and women helped me see what he was really like.

Every woman should be on MN, it's so helpful in spotting red flags/dodgy behaviours etc.

Thanks so much for sharing your experiences! I think it's so useful for all of us. It's helped me clarify in my own mind that I was definitely love bombed in my previous (very short) relationship - showered with adoration, flowers, talk of meeting family, going on holidays to his home country, told I was an angel within the first six weeks or so... only to cool off dramatically as soon as we had had sex. I cottoned on quickly and ended it a couple of weeks later..... close escape I think.

It's also helped reassure me that my now DP isn't that. He was also very intense and adoring from the start..... (which made me suspicious after the last one!) but two and a half years on he still is! And not an iota of inconsistency or controlling behavior or erosion of my self esteem. I have never had better self esteem or felt safer or freer to be who I want to be....

Even though he was intense, he ALWAYS respected my requests to slow down. I think that is probably a key indicator isn't it? - how he reacts when you assert yourself - your own pace, need for space, your interests that are separate from his etc.....

He was also very intense and adoring from the start..... (which made me suspicious after the last one!) but two and a half years on he still is!
Do you ever disagree with him?

You can be with someone years and not know what they are really like.

@MikeUniformMike

He was also very intense and adoring from the start..... (which made me suspicious after the last one!) but two and a half years on he still is! Do you ever disagree with him?

You can be with someone years and not know what they are really like.

Good question. We live extremely peacefully - neither of us naturally argue and we both have a tendency to give/ please.... so I wouldn't say I ever give him a really hard time about things.

However, certainly I tell him 'no' plenty - I have made him wait a long time for lots of stages in the relationship, always accepted and respected by him. (Including actually breaking up with him for four months because I found him overwhelmingly intense early on..... he remained calm and caring and just sent me a text once a month telling me he hoped I was well. I got back in touch when I felt more ready for a full on relationship). I have expressed several times when he has upset me. He has always listened, apologized, and adjusted/ stopped doing the thing with no guilt-tripping. He does the hard work to please me and make my life better, not just the words. We have been through lots of challenging situations together (my having a serious accident, severe family illness, lockdown, cultural differences etc, all with him remaining attentive, respectful, supportive, communicative, flexible). I also have extreme levels of freedom in terms of the relationships I have with others. So really the only 'flag' I see (which I didn't even know was a flag until I joined mumsnet) was the early commitment and adoration - eg: he was talking about being together through the phases of our life after the second date, which felt bonkers to me.

I think about being through life phases together too now, but it took me a lot longer to get there! ..... so I have come to the conclusion that he was just more intuitive. He is quite faith-based and from a culture that tends to only see a relationship as legitimate if it is committed.... so I think that's mainly it. I have spent two and a half years looking for the 'dark side' but it just hasn't come...

But I agree you can go ages without knowing people. I feel that way about my ex husband. After 20+ years he did things I never ever thought he would..... but looking back, I do think the signs were there. He wasn't a love bomber- but he was selfish and crap at feeling and communicating... I swept it under the carpet and it blew up in our faces... so now I really do try to analyze more carefully....

Oh it's still painful for me years later, still catch myself mourning what could have been, it was all so magic. I was so in love with a textbook covert narcissist, didn't even know what they were.

Red flags I missed:

• I don't want to hurt your feelings (before it started, unrelated topic)
• Very successful guy, pretending to be humble, displays from others honouring or commending him or being nice "meant a lot to me"
• No friends. Wife and children, but no friends that weren't hers.
• Never asked me questions about myself beyond week 1.
• He would go to lunch with colleagues, but not ask any questions about them or their lives either. This is another major red flag, look out for people who show no real interest in the lives of others.
• I love you after 3 weeks, I want to spend the rest of my life with you after 5 weeks, don't rule out having children with me (he was mid 40's with two teenagers).
• I was going to leave anyway, you were just the catalyst.
• Dropped his wife cold from one day to the next (I'm so sorry MN, I thought this meant the relationship was broken for a long time).
• Enjoyed the fights with his wife over separation terms. Narcs feed off 1. positive attention and 2. controlling others pain.
• If I was ever sad or worried, he would have a story how he was suffering more than me. Zero support for me, he was always the victim.
• Music was important to him, sign of an emotional person I think.
• Children worshipped and on a pedestal (extension of the self).
• Became moody, needed to spend time alone (my signal to dump him, this is the devaluation phase) for a month, before:
• Dumped out of the blue by text message. Stuff brought to my house the next day. We had just moved in together, I left my (cheated with an escort but otherwise very good) husband for him.
• Total process: 8 months. I went into shock, and then PTSD for a year afterwards. Total healing: 2 years.

@BraveGoldie Are you feeling a little uneasy about anything? You seem to be seeking a little reassurance which is perfectly understandable.

Remember, there is no rush and it is always sensible to make sure you have your own money etc. Hopefully this will be a happy ever after and of course an adoring man doesn't mean there is something wrong with him, but (and I had a 20 year relationship that failed too) have a plan b, just in case.

Mine actually lasted 2 years, but it was a LDR so I think that suits some of them and also prolongs it. But wow in those 2 years, he was the perfect boyfriend! Adoring behaviour, cooked me all sorts of special foods he thought I might like for dinner, really well thought out cultural dates, he even changed his political views to match mine, although I never discussed politics - he just came out with it before the GE.

Interest gky, I'd known him for years before we got together and he was always extremely flirty with me, to the point that I couldn't understand why he didnt ask me out and got totally fed up with him. Turned out he had a secret girlfriend in a LDR!

The discard and mask dropping with him was sudden and shocking. He went from adoring and perfect boyfriend/saintly virtue signalling, highly moralistic, non rule breaker to cheating on me with the replacement he had lined up when he got bored during lockdown and dumping me in a 3 minute phone call. I got my belongings dumped on my doorstep and then every 2 weeks withiut fail, he blocked me successively on phone, WhatsApp and various social media sites. I got a few curt text messages saying things like "I think I'm just bad at relationships" and "I had to be honest" so that I changed his name on my phone to "Voice of Doom".

He was so overwrought silly and taking himself so seriously that his behaviour actually became quite funny in a black humour sort of way. I just stopped reacting at all because I lost all respect for him.

Even funnier though was that the very week in lockdown that I was dumped, another good looking man with a trust fund that was single at or near 40, whom I knew vaguely got in touch by adding me on FB and then love bombing me classic style. He had so many similar characteristics with the other one, it was a bit spooky, even down to the "McBusiness" which didn't make any money but enabled him to sound busy and meet lots of women. Many, many compliments, trying to turn the conversation sexual early on because he "found me irrisistable/attractive/CBA to remember the rest".

We met up for coffee. It was OK. More love bombing, but intermittent. I just couldn't work up much interest in him at all because the other narcissist was so much better at being fake! One morning I woke up, felt really bored and annoyed by him, defriended him on FB and blocked him on WhatsApp!

You have to laugh otherwise you'd cry.

For me the mask slipped within 6 months. I was "adored" pursued, romances charmed etc etc. Yes to gifts and constant constant calls and messages. Yes to him being very fit and attractive. Told me every woman he went out with was desperate to marry him. Red flag one.

Told me not to eat too much when out in restaurants. Red flag two.

Rang me on a Monday after work to criticise everything Id said after weekend at his. Red flag three

Etc.

My ex kept his mask up for 2.5yrs until we'd had a child together. Then I think he believed his feet were well and truly under the table and there was no getting rid of him. Then his controlling side same out strong. There had been flashes of it before but generally he played Mr nice guy 98% of the time. After our DC was born he relaxed and obviously felt he didn't need to keep the act up anymore.

Met a guy on match.com. Very handsome, had to work away for a while so couldn't meet for about 6 weeks. During that time very full on, he created a countdown to our first date that changed titles from day to day becoming steadily more soppy. Finally met for a date, very attentive, asked me to be his girlfriend, told me he loved me, wanted me to look round a house with him the morning after first date, talked about moving in together, lasted a few weeks and then... nothing. Stopped Hearing from him except for the odd message, usually in reply to me messaging him. In the end, I was forced to end it with him so I then blamed myself. Was in a bad way for quite a while thinking I came on too strong, blaming myself for scaring him off, ending it too soon. The whole experience was actually really damaging for me and took a long time to get over and stop blaming myself 😔

About a year in my case.

Did already know him but hadn't met up since school days. On our first date he presented me with 2 bottles of expensive perfume. Would only eat at the top restaurants and he would always order the most expensive item on the menu. I had just come through a divorce and was a bit blinded by all the attention tbh but I started to feel very uncomfortable around 3 months in when he told me he was going to move in with me and was going to do xyz to my house to make it better.

It was a ldr relationship and saw him every 6 weeks and then it was very intense for the time I saw him.

About 6 months in a started noticing odd things. I took my dd to a school event and when I got there something happened and I stayed instead of dropping her and going back home where he was. He sulked for ages about that. We had a big tiff one night as he wanted to buy and install a TV into my bedroom. I said no as I don't watch TV in the bedroom. Cue tantrum because he does like to. My dd and I went away on a trip, international so big time change. On the 3rd day we were there (it was a busy trip and I didn't have time for constant messaging) I opened my phone to a find stream of messages from him asking wtf is going on, have I met someone, don't I care.... Because I hadn't sent him a good morning message. He booked a very expensive trip away for the two of us which was a year away. It could only be then, I know he did this as things were started to get wobbly from my side and that would ensure I hung around for a year I reckon.
It just got too much and if I didn't reply to him without minutes, he would go off it. I couldn't do it anymore and ended it.
A few months later he found out I had gone to an event with another male friend, he then sent me a whole lot of messages accusing me of cheating on him with this guy.

But what confirmed it for me that I had done the right thing.... He is very much into helping people (woman) who are a bit down and out. Red flag which went unnoticed. When lockdown started he donated some money to this one friend. When he found out that she had used a portion of this money to donate some food and blankets to a dog shelter he went off it. He even sent me a message about how irresponsible she is etc etc. So as I didn't want to poke the bear I just said ok so how did you leave things then? He said he's explained to her how she should use her money and once he explained, she understood and wouldn't do it again . Then he said a little while later than he will now be 'cutting her off' as I assume she had spent her money as she pleased, and he didn't approve.

I had a lucky escape I reckon.

@Lovestoned

Oh it's still painful for me years later, still catch myself mourning what could have been, it was all so magic. I was so in love with a textbook covert narcissist, didn't even know what they were.

Red flags I missed:

• I don't want to hurt your feelings (before it started, unrelated topic)
• Very successful guy, pretending to be humble, displays from others honouring or commending him or being nice "meant a lot to me"
• No friends. Wife and children, but no friends that weren't hers.
• Never asked me questions about myself beyond week 1.
• He would go to lunch with colleagues, but not ask any questions about them or their lives either. This is another major red flag, look out for people who show no real interest in the lives of others.
• I love you after 3 weeks, I want to spend the rest of my life with you after 5 weeks, don't rule out having children with me (he was mid 40's with two teenagers).
• I was going to leave anyway, you were just the catalyst.
• Dropped his wife cold from one day to the next (I'm so sorry MN, I thought this meant the relationship was broken for a long time).
• Enjoyed the fights with his wife over separation terms. Narcs feed off 1. positive attention and 2. controlling others pain.
• If I was ever sad or worried, he would have a story how he was suffering more than me. Zero support for me, he was always the victim.
• Music was important to him, sign of an emotional person I think.
• Children worshipped and on a pedestal (extension of the self).
• Became moody, needed to spend time alone (my signal to dump him, this is the devaluation phase) for a month, before:
• Dumped out of the blue by text message. Stuff brought to my house the next day. We had just moved in together, I left my (cheated with an escort but otherwise very good) husband for him.
• Total process: 8 months. I went into shock, and then PTSD for a year afterwards. Total healing: 2 years.

Never asked me questions about myself beyond week 1

Exactly the same with me. He'd even interrupt me and talk over me whenever I did try and talk about myself, with a better story about something he'd done. Which would then turn into a thirty minute monologue on his life. And I'd be giving all the classic signs of not being interested, like giving single syllable monotone replies and looking away and he'd still keep talking and talking.

Is someone constantly messaging and trying to face time and call love bombing? It's nice someone shows an interest but I really don't want to facetime

I met a guy online a few weeks ago. We know nothing about each other. I've not meantioned my 3 kids, he dropped a son into conversation once but didn't say much. He's messaging all the time, watching my twitter, has tried to phone 3 times today. He knows I hate face timing. He's calling me his Mrs 😳 we haven't even met. Last year I ended up in another weird position with an online guy. He was as weird but more secretive

@thecatsarecrazy

I met a guy online a few weeks ago. We know nothing about each other. I've not meantioned my 3 kids, he dropped a son into conversation once but didn't say much. He's messaging all the time, watching my twitter, has tried to phone 3 times today. He knows I hate face timing. He's calling me his Mrs 😳 we haven't even met. Last year I ended up in another weird position with an online guy. He was as weird but more secretive

Yes, cut him off now is my advice

For me, I was seeing the warning signs within 6 weeks and it was crystal clear that he was ‘toxic’ within about 3 months. After research I was able to replace ‘toxic’ with personality disordered and understood the context.

His relationship history was a concern too- romantic, family, friends, colleagues etc. Now I see that this was a clearer indicator of risk.

If someone is calm, rational, compassionate and empathetic for 6 months with no red flags, generally good relationships in his life then I would say it’s likely that they aren’t very likely to change significantly after this point.

@thecatsarecrazy

Definately lovebombing. Constant need to be in contact, too full on too soon and bulldozing your space and your boundaries.