Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Am I being controlling acting like this?

72 replies

ParkAndRecs · 14/09/2020 14:39

Name changed because this is a really difficult thing for me to talk about.

My boyfriend has asked for space from me for a little while. He’s going through some personal stress and wants space to sort himself out.

I’m really struggling with it and keep texting him. Am I being really controlling/abusive by not listening to him?

I’m finding it really difficult because my last boyfriend asked me for space and ended up in a relationship with someone else not long after asking me. It’s left me feeling really anxious about the same thing happening again. Another previous boyfriend used to walk out and tell me he didn’t care if he was coming back. I get panic attacks still thinking about that because he would never answer the phone to let me know if he was ok and I would never know if he was going to come back or do something while he was out. All the anxiety from that has come back, I feel ok for a few days then get really anxious about not knowing if my current partner is ok
Or not and end up texting him.

I don’t want to be like this. I’m being controlling aren’t I? Not listening to him and only thinking about myself. I feel really horrible that I’m making things worse for him.

OP posts:

ElspethFlashman · 14/09/2020 14:41

Well you're certainly driving him away.

You dont give a shit, frankly, that he asked for space. Its all about you and your need for reassurance.

Ging7878 · 14/09/2020 14:46

First of all, I'm sorry to hear about your past relationships. They have definitely affected you as I'm sure you are aware. I really think you need to give him the space he has asked for and use the time to think about what you want as an individual, without any man in your life and find out what makes you happy. You need to force yourself not to contact him.

Divebar · 14/09/2020 14:50

Can you imagine asking someone to not do something because you found it hurtful / difficult / suffocating and them continuing to do it ?

seensome · 14/09/2020 14:50

I'm not sure you can control him but however difficult it is, he would respect you more for stepping back, let him have the time to miss you, he may or may not want you back but there is nothing you can do to persuade that, as for 'space' if I was you the only thing I would say to him is that you respect his decision but you are not going to wait around for him. live your life, don't mope about, see friends, date others and if you don't both move on and he gets in touch again one day then you can decide if you give it another shot.

1WildTeaParty · 14/09/2020 14:52

Texting like this isn't going to bring him back to you. It is likely to separate you.

-If he is planning to leave longterm, then he will still do so.

-If he wasn't planning to separate from you and really did need to be alone... then the fact you text and don't care about what he needs might make him reconsider your relationship.

Do you perhaps need some councilling/support ? (This perhaps isn't a role for your partner.)

Bunnymumy · 14/09/2020 14:54

From a different perspective, why does he 'need space' ? It's an odd thing to ask for provided that A. Both partners in the relationship are moving at equal and comfortable pacing (is it possible you aren't giving him enough independence and space IN the relationship?).
And B. He wants to continue the relationship (is it possible he doesnt? And is too chickenshit to say? Or that he is actually, just like your ex and wants to start by keep you dangling).

Bunnymumy · 14/09/2020 14:55

*stray but keep you dangling.

AtrociousCircumstance · 14/09/2020 14:56

The space thing is the cowards way out. Sounds like bullshit. Tell him you need space too. What he’s doing isn’t the sign of a loving partner. I’d take a deep breath and end it first.

CodenameVillanelle · 14/09/2020 14:57

If two partners have asked for space from you and you admit you can't respect that I would suggest that you have issues with boundaries. You would probably benefit from some therapy.

PlateTectonics · 14/09/2020 14:59

I wouldn't describe it as controlling exactly.... but I do think you're reducing the chances of him coming back to you.

OP I think you would really benefit from counselling to talk through your feelings about this. It will be hard for you to have a stable relationship while it is such an issue for you.

Original poster

ParkAndRecs · 14/09/2020 15:05

@CodenameVillanelle the first time I did respect it. With my last partner, he told me he wanted space and I gave it. He told me he couldn’t talk to anyone, but it ended up just being me he couldn’t talk to because he was talking to someone else not long after.

When my current partner asked for space I just got it into my head that the same was happening again and it’s made me feel really anxious and act like this.

I don’t want to hurt him and I do respect him, I just can’t seem to stop myself from thinking like this. I’ve asked him if he could just let me know if he was ok at least once a week. It’s hurting me not knowing if he’s ok and he’s carrying on not talking to me. I know he’s told me why and I should give him the space he needs. Should I just end it with him so I don’t carry on doing this?

OP posts:

Sootikinstew · 14/09/2020 15:14

Op you sound very young. Sorry if I'm wrong about that.

I did this in my late teens and it just served to push him away further.

With hindsight I was a very troubled young lady who put far too much pressure on an also young lad to be my saviour and demanded constant reassurance from him.

I should have just ended it. I think you need to end it, block him and seek some therapy which is what I should have done. Instead I limped on with a dead relationship for months after it should have ended.

Bunnymumy · 14/09/2020 15:15

I'm still not sure what a valid reason for 'space' (to the extent to which he isnt in contact for weeks at a time and you have to beg for a scrap of a 'I'm ok' from him) would be?

It sounds like it's all but over anyway.
And if it isn't, then yes, you probably need to draw a line under it. Because people who make you nuts are not good for you. And are not suitable relationship material.

PlateTectonics · 14/09/2020 15:15

OP, how long ago is it that he asked for space?

Kassandra1 · 14/09/2020 15:17

YABVU and it sounds like you're not ready to be in a relationship to be honest. How old are you?

ncd5785 · 14/09/2020 15:18

I don't think "controlling" is really very relevant here, it's more a case of if you don't leave him alone, you'll probably drive him away. I'm always skeptical about the "needing space" thing. I think you just have to look at it like; he might have some issues, or there might be a problem with the relationship, but the only thing you can do right now is nothing. If you try and do something, that will probably scupper any chances of the relationship improving. I think some pps are being harsh towards op, it is worrying when someone completely backs off and you don't understand why. What do you want op? Do you really want to be with someone who backs off from you? It's not only down to him to decide what happens

Original poster

ParkAndRecs · 14/09/2020 15:21

@Bunnymumy some work stress and I think he’s been feeling a bit depressed so not coping with it well. He asked me for a few days to start with so I left it a few days then text to ask how he was feeling. He didn’t reply to me then so I text again a few days later. He said he needed more time but didn’t ask me to not text completely, just said he would be more quiet with replies. I text every few days not expecting a reply just telling him stuff about my day because I felt like if he was feeling depressed and left alone it might make things worse.

I thought I was doing the right thing by letting him know I was still there for him with no pressure to reply. And for myself, because I was feeling so anxious about anything with past experiences, to get some reassurance.

I was talking to a friend over the weekend about it who said I was being really controlling by not listening to him and I’ve felt awful, like I must be so selfish to have only thought about myself and not listened to him.

I don’t think of myself as a controlling person. I don’t ask how he spends his time when he’s not with me, don’t ask who he’s talking to, demand he spends time with me instead of his friends. We’ve never even had an argument or fallen out over anything. I’ve had a knot in my stomach ever since she said that to me thinking I must have been so awful to him and he must feel I care more about myself than him.

OP posts:

BewilderedDoughnut · 14/09/2020 15:26

I don’t think you should be in a relationship with anyone right now. It’s likely to be toxic because you have some issues to work on. A counsellor would be a good idea.

Generally when someone asks for space In a relationship it’s game over already. Sometimes people do that to soften the blow of breaking up but they know ultimately that’s what they want.

Bunnymumy · 14/09/2020 15:30

I don't think your 'friend' is a very nice person op.
Nor does it sound like you have over texted or disregarded his need for space. It's not like you are pestering him to reply.

I perfectly understand him asking for a few days at first due to work pressure... but it sounds like something else might be going on now.

I'd ask yourself why your friend is being such a cow. Perhaps you need better friends as it sounds like she may have a manipulative streak. Either that or you're under selling how much you have been in contact with him.

I think you need to be kinder to yourself op. And start asking if those around you really give a shit about your feelings instead of only caring about theirs.

Florencex · 14/09/2020 15:32

I don’t think controlling is the word I would use, I think you are anxious and are probably not helping the situation by continuing to contact him.

That said, I think you are understandably anxious and I don’t think there is any situation where I would find it acceptable for my husband to to tell me he needed some space from me. If he did, I would certainly assume it was the beginning of the end.

Original poster

ParkAndRecs · 14/09/2020 15:32

@PlateTectonics it’s been 3 weeks now. That probably means it’s over doesn’t it?

@Kassandra1 I’m 24. I didn’t think I’d still have any issues from the last relationships. The first one was years ago and I haven’t thought about what happened in that since, until not knowing if he was ok brought all that anxiety back up. The last one, we work together so I’ve seen him since it ended. I don’t feel anything for him, I haven’t felt angry or upset when we’ve had to spend time together in work.

OP posts:

Couchbettato · 14/09/2020 15:39

When we suffer from anxiety we often try to control things in order to prevent anxiety manifesting, however we can sometimes try to control things we shouldn't which breeds resentment between those involved.

OP, I think the thing you should be trying to control is your anxiety. Can you talk to a doctor, or are you able to get any counselling? Perhaps your workplace may offer some form of counselling?

It's only natural to try and seek some control over something but it shouldn't be over other people.

edwinbear · 14/09/2020 15:40

The only way you can work out what he actually wants is to just leave him completely alone. Don't message him at all. If he misses you and wonders where you are, he will message. If he doesn't, you have your answer. But PP's are quite right in that you should crack on with your life for now, hard as it will be.

Dery · 14/09/2020 15:40

Hi OP

There are various things to unpick here.

This is very hard for you but if someone asks you for space, you need to give them space. On the other hand, he's said he doesn't expect you not to text at all and if you're just sending a text every few days, then that doesn't sound excessive to me. But it would probably be better if you didn't contact him at all. I'm not sure what you're doing is controlling but you are ignoring a request he made.

But the real nub of the matter is the request for space. I don't see why stress at work would be a reason to need space from a relationship unless the relationship itself is also a source of stress. And a relationship should never be a source of stress. That doesn't mean you are doing anything wrong, but it may mean the two of you aren't very well suited and/or that he doesn't want to be committed to anyone right now and/or that he is falling for someone else.

So it's not unreasonable for you to feel anxious about his request for space because it is often a precursor to wanting to end the relationship. Since he has been out of contact for some time now, it suggests that he wants to end the relationship but doesn't know how.

I'm sorry this has happened because it's very painful for you but the pain will pass. If you are habitually picking men around whom you feel insecure, you may want to consider whether there is any work you would like to do on yourself so as to value yourself more and attract men who treat you better.

Dozer · 14/09/2020 15:42

It’s not ‘controlling’ but as PPs say is unlikely to help matters.

It sounds like the relationship may be over.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread