Am I being controlling acting like this?

[ParkAndRecs]

Name changed because this is a really difficult thing for me to talk about.

My boyfriend has asked for space from me for a little while. He’s going through some personal stress and wants space to sort himself out.

I’m really struggling with it and keep texting him. Am I being really controlling/abusive by not listening to him?

I’m finding it really difficult because my last boyfriend asked me for space and ended up in a relationship with someone else not long after asking me. It’s left me feeling really anxious about the same thing happening again. Another previous boyfriend used to walk out and tell me he didn’t care if he was coming back. I get panic attacks still thinking about that because he would never answer the phone to let me know if he was ok and I would never know if he was going to come back or do something while he was out. All the anxiety from that has come back, I feel ok for a few days then get really anxious about not knowing if my current partner is ok
Or not and end up texting him.

I don’t want to be like this. I’m being controlling aren’t I? Not listening to him and only thinking about myself. I feel really horrible that I’m making things worse for him.

How long have you been together OP?

I’ve never understood all this needing space or being ‘on a break’. In my day we just split up!

I’d text him that he can have ‘space’ permanently and tell he’s a coward for not having the guts to end it properly. Don’t let him keep you hanging on or get back with him until he needs more ‘space’.

Agree you need to work on your self esteem .

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion it is actually everything to do with knowing if he’s ok. If someone you cared about said they were struggling to cope would you not want to know if they were ok? Like I said in my first post I’ve been left now knowing if an ex boyfriend was ok and it feels horrible. I have anxiety from that.

I’m not keeping tabs on him, I haven’t asked him what he’s up to, I haven’t asked if he’s talking to anyone else. I’ve asked if he’s ok because I don’t know if he is or not. He’s depressed, got work issues, not coping, how do I know if he’s ok, had a breakdown, feels suicidal? That’s why I want to know not to keep tabs on him.

I don’t think I’m overbearing. I don’t expect him to spend all his free time with me. I see him on average once a week, he sees his friends I see mine. We’re not intensely spending every free minute together. He doesn’t text me for the night? Fine, I haven’t ever sent him text asking why he’s not talking to me, because I know he has his own life and things he wants to do apart from me. It’s just this asking for space which has made me anxious. The first boyfriend never asked for space, he would walk out if i brought up anything I wasn’t happy with, I think as a way of controlling me to not talk about what I was unhappy with. The second asked for space with no reason why so I don’t know about that one, I think he just didn’t really care about me.

I don't think you've done anything wrong apart from being in relationships with dickheads OP, I'd certainly be pissed off if I'd not heard from a partner for 3 weeks and would be asking what the hell was going on. I'd just leave it now and take it that the relationship is over, I'd be wary of him getting in touch after this length of time - who's to say he's not been seeing someone else and is waiting to see how things pan out before he ends it with you.

Fuck him off

In my experience, men often use 'stress', 'work problems' and 'needing space' as a get out of jail free card. I just had one explain to me that the reason he stood me up (again) was because he'd had a 'nervous breakdown' I didn't reply to that message (it's BS) and lo and behold, it's been nearly 2 weeks since I've heard from him. Don't believe everything a man tells you.

Can I just say though, I don't think there is anything wrong with what you have done. Your partner asked for space and you have provided it. You've been in little contact with him for three weeks. If this was his cowardly way of ending things then that's on him , not you. I'll be honest, I couldn't be in a relationship where my partner wanted that much space from me. If I was in your relationship OP, I would be ending it because my needs aren't being met. And your needs matter equally as much as your partner's.

@ParkAndRecs

I think you sound great. But you need to start worrying about yourself, not him.

The chances that he's had a breakdown or feels suicidal are very slim - but even if that is the case, he has chosen to shut you out. If he valued your support and your relationship, he would have turned to you. You don't say how long you've been together, but if you only saw each other once a week, it sounds fairly casual. Not something which should be generating this degree of angst in you.

Nearly every PP on this thread has said that the request for space was almost certainly about wanting to finish with you. Now it's gone on for 3 weeks, it's clear that in his mind it's over and he's just waiting for you to realise. The work stress thing was just a lazy excuse.

Start valuing yourself more. Don't hang on to men who care so little about you that they just drift away in this indeterminate fashion; who don't even have the courtesy to tell you it's over. You are worth a partner who actively wants to be with you. This guy is in your past. Start working on a future where you cherish yourself more and demand better treatment for yourself.

Your descriptions of prior relationships are odd. Like you get a man and then irrespective of what happens in life you must hold on to this particular man. They have total power to keep or discard you. You don't care what the man is like so long as he is yours.

Take control. This man is a wanker. Dump him.

Cock is abundant. Especially at 24.

If my other half told me he needed space I would end the relationship. I'm not a mug. Either someone wants to be with you or they don't. No games. I suggest you do the same.

I actually really don’t think you’ve done anything wrong, it’s verh reasonable in a relationship to ask for space for a few days, but it’s totlly different to put someone on hold for 3 weeks, with no idea of what is happening, or if you intend to continue the relationship.

it is actually everything to do with knowing if he’s ok. If someone you cared about said they were struggling to cope would you not want to know if they were ok?

Actually, no, I don't think I would. If someone wasn't willing to contact me and didn't want me contacting them, I wouldn't push it, and would assume it was over. What difference will him contacting once a week actually make? None because if you are worried he is going to do something to himself, he could do it at anytime.

That’s why I want to know not to keep tabs on him.

But he doesn't want you to know clearly. Either he is messing with you, or he really does need a break from you for whatever reason. If someone needs a break from you though, there's not really much point in carrying on the relationship. Your partner is supposed to be the person you lean on when you're struggling, not run away from.

Not that into you. Avoid!

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion that’s fair, I can see why not from that point of view. I think I’ve come at it from the point of view that I’m worried about him and care about him so have wanted to be there for him. He hasn’t wanted me to so I should have respected that more. I’ve just never had the impression that he wanted to end it or hasn’t ever wanted to hear from me. That’s what left me feeling so confused and feeling anxious about it all.

I won’t text again and just assume it’s over.

I'd guess he wants out of the relationship and is taking the cowards way out. I wouldn't contact him again at all. If he wants to contact you again he can.

The CBT is good to work on your anxiety and unpick your thinking, but in my experience as a person with anxiety the best thing you can do for yourself is to put all your energies into relationships with friends and family and into activities and interests for you. A bloke should be a pleasant extra, not the be all and end all. Do you have a best mate or sibling you can have an agreement with that anytime you think about this man you can contact them instead? It sounds daft but it works. Or draft a message on a bit of paper and then tear it up. That works too.

OP, block him. That removes the temptation to text and means he can't creep in again when he's bored. You don't seem to value yourself much. That's not a criticism.

Assume nothing. Tell him it is over.

What helped me get over similar was my ex DH advising me saying, you cannot be with this man, he cannot communicate and runs away. It will be nothing but pain whenever there is a stress.

It really helped me close the door

He doesn’t care enough to let you know he’s ok so you shouldn’t care enough to wonder. I’m sorry @ParkAndRecs he sounds like he’s checked out. Would you really be able to trust him even if he did pop up after this? You’ll always feel insecure with him and wonder if he’ll do a disappearing act every time life gets hard. You deserve better 💐

OP I think you’re fine, not controlling at all - Leslie Knope wouldn’t put up with this slave shit

This amorphous ‘space’ situation is a cowardly creeping ending of the relationship. No wonder you feel anxious. It would be weird - and numbMy robotic - to not feel anxious.

Text him and say it’s best you end things.

*numbly!

Omg that should also read ‘space shit’ not ‘slave shit’!

But the real nub of the matter is the request for space. I don't see why stress at work would be a reason to need space from a relationship unless the relationship itself is also a source of stress.

This. At best, he find a relationship too hard while other things are going on and is trying (and failing miserably) to let you down without saying he doesn't want to be in a relationship.

At worst, he's fully aware that you're there and he doesn't want to formally end things because he likes knowing you're available as his emotional punching bag and he can get a shag when he comes back.

So I'd be moving on.

Lots of people have problems and stress in their lives. But if they take it out on their partner then really, they're not worth it.