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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being controlling acting like this?

72 replies

ParkAndRecs · 14/09/2020 14:39

Name changed because this is a really difficult thing for me to talk about.

My boyfriend has asked for space from me for a little while. He’s going through some personal stress and wants space to sort himself out.

I’m really struggling with it and keep texting him. Am I being really controlling/abusive by not listening to him?

I’m finding it really difficult because my last boyfriend asked me for space and ended up in a relationship with someone else not long after asking me. It’s left me feeling really anxious about the same thing happening again. Another previous boyfriend used to walk out and tell me he didn’t care if he was coming back. I get panic attacks still thinking about that because he would never answer the phone to let me know if he was ok and I would never know if he was going to come back or do something while he was out. All the anxiety from that has come back, I feel ok for a few days then get really anxious about not knowing if my current partner is ok
Or not and end up texting him.

I don’t want to be like this. I’m being controlling aren’t I? Not listening to him and only thinking about myself. I feel really horrible that I’m making things worse for him.

OP posts:
Bunnymumy · 14/09/2020 15:43

To put it into perspective, I recently asked someone I've been dating (not together just early ish dating) for a bit of space texting wise. Because I dont like being tied to my phone 24/7 (and also, though I didn't say - because it was early days with him and I need a bit of space between contact to think).

He respected it. He gave me three days till I texted him first. Then the day after that, he messaged me again - I was fine with that as I didnt want him to feel I was just vanishing or like he couldn't talk to me. Sure I was sorting through my feelings on things but that didnt mean I get to disregard his.

By day 7 I had contacted him to say I didnt wish to date anymore because i had decided and didnt want to string him along. All friendships, relationships ect...whatever are give and take.

It seems however that he may be dragging this out, not thinking of your feelings.

Original poster
ParkAndRecs · 14/09/2020 15:43

Thanks everyone. I think I needed the ‘tough love’ replies to see what I’ve been doing. I get so caught up with the anxious thoughts it makes me act selfishly to try get some reaassurance. I used to take medication for anxiety, I’ll see if I can get an appointment to start that up again. I’ve had CBT before too and still have some books so I’ll do some work on them too. Can’t afford to pay for therapy at the moment.

OP posts:
Dozer · 14/09/2020 15:44

If I didn’t hear from a bf for 3 weeks, would assume it was over and, if he came back, wouldn’t resume the relationship after he’d treated me that way.

Original poster
ParkAndRecs · 14/09/2020 15:46

@Bunnymumy I’m getting more anxious about it as time goes on. He asked for a few days and I gave him that with no problems. Now I just get stuck with thinking if he cared about me/us then he’d at least let me know if he was ok? That’s all I really want to know because I’m worried about him. Even if he just text and said I’m ok but need more time I’d be fine with that.

OP posts:
ChristmasFluff · 14/09/2020 15:47

I agree with all the previous posters who have said that the only reason people ask for space is because they are ending it in a cowardly way.

Who goes 3 weeks without seeing the person they love, unless there are some real barriers there? The people we love are those we lean into in times of stress, not the ones we shy away from.

It's no wonder his behaviour is making you anxious - why is it all on his terms? How long does he expect you to dangle in pseudo-relationship limbo?

If someone wants space, I give it to them by ending the relationship. I think you would be well advised to do the same.

Serendipity79 · 14/09/2020 15:50

OP I really feel for you, as I get anxious about stuff like this as well. My last ex did such a number on me that I'm still deliberately single over 2 years later. I agree with other posters that if someone says they want space, then you should give it, because its not for us to decide that what we want is more important.

However, its also perfectly acceptable for you to feel that someone being out of contact for weeks at a time isn't the right relationship for you and isn't something that you find ok in a relationship. As Dozer said above - its your choice to resume or not resume that relationship if he contacts you.

Bunnymumy · 14/09/2020 15:50

Im sure he is perfectly ok!
What he should be letting you know is where you stand. It isn't ok to treat you like this. It sounds like he is taking the cowards way out of breaking up. If it's been 3 weeks op, I think I would be taking the bull by the horns and blocking his number. You deserve better than being distespected.

Original poster
ParkAndRecs · 14/09/2020 15:55

I feel the same about asking for space. I want to share problems with people I care about to get support/be supported by them. I feel anxious not knowing how he is and think he doesn’t care how that makes me feel. Then I feel awful that he’s struggling and I’m making things worse by expecting him to think of me still.

He’s never made me feel insecure before. He was always saying how much i meant to him and the way he was with me showed me that too. I feel controlling because he’s always been honest with me and now I’ve just not listened to him because I’m more worried about myself. I don’t think I could not talk to him for 3 weeks though no matter what was going on, I wouldn’t want to shut him out and I wouldn’t want him left wondering what was going on.

OP posts:
yellowgusset · 14/09/2020 15:55

Why do you need to know he's ok once a week? He's not going to fall down a well, he just wants some space because you're being too much.

If you want to stay in this relationship, leave him alone unless the damage is already done.

BewilderedDoughnut · 14/09/2020 15:55

@ParkAndRecs it’s been 3 weeks now. That probably means it’s over doesn’t it?

I think it’s very over. Stop waiting on him and work on yourself.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 14/09/2020 15:56

So you've had 3 relationships now where your partners have had to actually leave the relationship and ask you for space. Well one that just used to walk put and not contact you?
Either you have had very bad luck with men, or you are a bit overbearing in general.

Dery · 14/09/2020 15:57

"If I didn’t hear from a bf for 3 weeks, would assume it was over and, if he came back, wouldn’t resume the relationship after he’d treated me that way."

This. Speaking as an anxious person myself, I would say that your anxiety is stemming from not facing what you know to be true. It's 3 weeks - he's waiting for you to realise that the relationship is over. That's sad and painful. But it doesn't need to cause anxiety because you know what's what.

Stop worrying about whether or not he's okay. He's fine. Even if he isn't fine - he's made clear that he doesn't need support from you: if he did, he would be contacting you, not asking for space. Most people when stressed turn to their relationship partner for support. He chose to shut you out.

Start focusing on yourself. I think you sound like a very kind person but you sound way too willing to accept crumbs and way too willing to accept someone keeping you dangling. It would be great if you could value yourself more. Because someone who deserves you will not treat you this way.

Accept it's over with this BF, allow yourself some time to feel sad (not anxious - but sad), pamper yourself and plan some lovely treats; perhaps spend time with kinder friends and family. Fill your time with things you enjoy doing. Start your journey of getting over this BF and of valuing yourself more.

1WildTeaParty · 14/09/2020 16:01

If it has been 3 weeks, then it does sound like the (cowardly) end of a relationship OP.

Texting or not texting would not have had an effect if he had decided to leave and just didn't want to tell you. Leaving you worrying was mean.

Please look after yourself - it is time to be your own top priority for a while.

Porridgeoat · 14/09/2020 16:02

Text him. Ask him if he wants to be with you. Explain you don’t want to be strung along and would rather he was honest and end it if he wanted to

Porridgeoat · 14/09/2020 16:04

It’s very strange usually couples pull together and talk when struggling

sofato5miles · 14/09/2020 16:07

He has left you and ghosted his way out of this relarionship. Awful.

I really feel for you. Try not to send any more messages. Have some good cries and get started on your own future.

FTR, similar happened to me once and it took about 6 months to really recover but i did have lots of fun in the meantime until one day, thinking if him, no longer made me upset

LunchBoxPolice · 14/09/2020 16:10

I did initially think you were being controlling from your first post, but I’ve changed my mind. He is stringing you along - it’s been 3 weeks. Even if he does need “space” he should have enough respect for you to at least let you know he’s ok. Or that he doesn’t want to be in the relationship any longer.
You do need to work on your self esteem and issues following the previous relationship- but he isn’t acting fairly and it sounds like this relationship is over.

BilboBercow · 14/09/2020 16:11

OP why are you doing this to yourself? He's a fucking coward and has treated you badly. Block him and move on with your life. This isn't your fault, you aren't controlling, he's a dickhead.

After being treated really badly (and accepting it) I'd now give anyone who asked me for space as much as they could possibly handle by fucking them off immediately.

BilboBercow · 14/09/2020 16:11

OP why are you doing this to yourself? He's a fucking coward and has treated you badly. Block him and move on with your life. This isn't your fault, you aren't controlling, he's a dickhead.

After being treated really badly (and accepting it) I'd now give anyone who asked me for space as much as they could possibly handle by fucking them off immediately.

BilboBercow · 14/09/2020 16:11

Whoops sorry for the double post

Aquamarine1029 · 14/09/2020 16:12

Your boyfriend took the coward's way to dump you. I need space = It's over.

Dery · 14/09/2020 16:12

Don't text and ask him if he wants to be with you. Don't ask him to spell it out. It's clear that's not what he wants right now and frankly if this is how he behaves he's no good for you anyway. You deserve to be treated much better than this.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 14/09/2020 16:13

Why do you need to know he's ok once a week? He's not going to fall down a well, he just wants some space because you're being too much.

Its nothing to do with wanting to know hes ok. The OP knows he's fine. She wants to keep tabs on him and try and reassure herself that he's not with anyone else. Like he would tell her if he was Hmm but it gives her that peace of mind that he is still talking to her, therefore won't be messing around with someone else. Completely illogical, but logical to someone with this type paranoia.

eveningfalls · 14/09/2020 16:13

"If I didn’t hear from a bf for 3 weeks, would assume it was over and, if he came back, wouldn’t resume the relationship after he’d treated me that way." I agree with this also.

He has dumped you in a very cowardly way and I don't blame you for feeling anxious/upset because he has in fact treated you very badly. It is time to let it go.

MJMG2015 · 14/09/2020 16:19

I'd give him a LOT of space & work on moving on. I think asking for space is just a cowards way of ending a relationship.

Sorry.

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