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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

handholding/ advice re police statement needed please

79 replies

Weakmummy · 14/09/2020 14:35

hi ladies
Yesterday my partner attacked me
He also tried to break through my front door as id had to lock him out because he was so out of control , I have it all on video him trying to break the door down
A friend called 999 by which time he had left
The police have took my statement the vidoes of him breaking in or trying to photos of my injuries they aren't bad and were planning to arrest him today for criminal damage plus common assault
I'm panicking now i didnt want him to get a criminal record loose his job maybe not find another job and his family are nuts so the backlash if he is charged will be huge
I've called the police to say I'm panicking and the officer has gone to speak to his sgt and get back to me
I just dont know what to do and im not strong enough for all the fight ill get back
Anyone been in a similar situation and had a partner charged for assault/ criminal damage?
What happened to them?

OP posts:

Puppy72 · 15/09/2020 19:20

OP. Quite simply you're not ready to leave him yet. Nothing will work, nothing will happen until you have that moment where you've had enough. I had that moment and now I'm free. Nobody can tell you what to do OP, all the posters, people you don't know, your own family.. If you're not ready then you aren't going to hear anything anyone is saying. X

MsKeats · 15/09/2020 19:24

You need him to be charged. Trust me. I retracted mine and now he has access to my children. My friend didn’t and although they are divorced she is in control. What happens if he kills you next time or your son. It also means he has to own up and take responsibility and he can also access counselling etc unlikely he will get a criminal record. My exes husband got a restraining order and had to pay costs but that is all.

MJMG2015 · 15/09/2020 19:34

Report her. She had NO right to say what she said.

Refuse to do the withdrawal.

Is there a restraining order in place?

MitziK · 15/09/2020 19:56

@Weakmummy

I wont be letting him see the baby he wont fight me for him hes a shit dad anyway I have to meet the sgt to make a withdrawal statement tomorrow and will tell her he called laughijg the min he was released

Tell the sergeant that you've changed your mind about withdrawing your statement, then.

After all, him being prosecuted and getting a criminal record will make it easy to prevent him forcing you through the courts to let him and his awful family have your baby for contact. It's hard, but a situation in which you will both benefit from. Just from saying you do not wish to withdraw the statement after all.

You can do it.

Original poster

Weakmummy · 15/09/2020 20:26

How can I not withdraw now hes been released no further action?
The sgt who called me confirmed they had enough evidence to charge .... i would hope so on the criminal damage charge its all on video ffs but maybe not the assault I guess but seemed keen to assure me everything would be fine if I droppdd the charges
He says they told him I had dropped them but there wasn't enough evidence to charge anyway and the vidoes were too poor quality... they are crystal clear on my phone
My heads so fucked the officers who came out treated it really seriously then this ....
Last time he did this the police made me leave my house and he stayed on my drive I couldn't bring my son back as he was sending me photos of the front of my house proving he was still there called them back to tell them and they told me he wasn't committing any crime

OP posts:

GotBeatenUp · 15/09/2020 20:56

I didn't give a statement.
Too scared.
He told everyone I was a psycho.

I'm not sure I could have gone through with it.
But I wish I had.

Please give a statement.

GotBeatenUp · 15/09/2020 20:59

Think long and hard about what to put in the statement and get someone to check it. Someone wise.

Please give a statement.

If you don't he will do it again to you or someone else.

Dery · 15/09/2020 21:24

"How can I not withdraw now hes been released no further action?"

You haven't formally withdrawn your statement yet so it may well be possible to change your mind. Ask the sergeant when you speak tomorrow whether it's possible to change your mind.

Evilwasps · 15/09/2020 22:38

You don't have to withdraw your statement.
Regardless of whether he is charged or not, you can still apply for various orders to have him removed from the house and to make him stay away from you. I did using the evidence if multiple Police call outs, but no actual convictions. They would have been approved within a week if I hadn't become massively overwhelmed with what was happening and stopped the process. That was a mistake.
Anyway, it costs about £1k through a solicitor to get the orders, but you may be able to get legal aid. At least consider doing this because you know in your heart he will not change.

Original poster

Weakmummy · 16/09/2020 13:15

You couldn't make this up .... the officer called i was at work i said I wasn't sure what I wanted to do , he started reading me the retraction statement over the phone
My phone died went bk in the office to charge it and had a voicemail saying hes added my retraction to the case????

OP posts:

Dery · 16/09/2020 13:34

You'd better call him back ASAP to sort the situation out.

Rainagain72 · 16/09/2020 13:57

This is horrific ...does anyone know what the OP should do next if the police person dealing with her isn’t sympathetic ...I was told that all forces now have to have specialist officers dealing with DV. I’d like to think the officer OP speaks to is helpful if she calls back and explains she only wanted to retract the statement due to fears of intimidation but if the officer isn’t what are the next steps?

Original poster

Weakmummy · 16/09/2020 20:59

Thank you for trying to help
The number who left me the voicemail no one answers but I have sent a message to that number saying I'd like to formally state that I have not retracted my statement and could an officer call me back
I have no idea what else to do

OP posts:

Pantsomime · 16/09/2020 21:17

OP dial 999 and they surely will put you through! You are in charge here honey don’t forget that and hey even if you do withdraw ( your choice but I hope you don’t) that does not mean you have to be together- you are free to dump, block, change locks and bin him( think I read it’s your house). If you do drop charges tell him you are also Dropping him -instead of prison he can go live elsewhere

Rainagain72 · 16/09/2020 21:59

Well done OP !

Evilwasps · 17/09/2020 07:33

OP do you have a crime reference number? If so call 101 and they will be able to put you through to the station that dealt with it, or arrange for someone to contact you rather than relying on someone picking up your message.

Well done, you are making the right choice

Quartz2208 · 17/09/2020 08:00

Are you certain they were police officers ringing you

Original poster

Weakmummy · 17/09/2020 11:20

I havent even thought that they might not be police officers

OP posts:

Rainagain72 · 17/09/2020 11:51

OP try and find out if there is a woman’s aid or dv support group in your area..some of them can speak to the police and most won’t take any nonsense from them.

Quartz2208 · 17/09/2020 12:09

When they call do they give you a name do they give you a case reference or their badge number

Original poster

Weakmummy · 17/09/2020 12:20

They gave thier name no badge number and I havent been given a crime no at all
I'll look into womens aid

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 17/09/2020 12:43

I would ring the station and see if you can speak to the Officer who named himself.

He was so out of order it does ring alarm bells

Dery · 17/09/2020 12:44

@Weakmummy - churlish as it sounds: I think it would be great for you to change your Username. I don't think it's helping you to reinforce the message that you're weak when you clearly aren't at all.

Original poster

Weakmummy · 18/09/2020 19:32

I've just had a letter hand delivered by the police saying nfa due to evidential difficulties
I have 8 videos which clearly show him trying to break into my home x

OP posts:

MsKeats · 18/09/2020 21:43

PCC and solicitor now. Go to the station and demand to speak to someone and say you INSIST he is charged and DO NOT give them the only copy of the videos -make sure they are backed up. You need to phone the police and say you want to make a formal complaint that they are not not taking DV seriously etc.

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