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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

handholding/ advice re police statement needed please

79 replies

Weakmummy · 14/09/2020 14:35

hi ladies
Yesterday my partner attacked me
He also tried to break through my front door as id had to lock him out because he was so out of control , I have it all on video him trying to break the door down
A friend called 999 by which time he had left
The police have took my statement the vidoes of him breaking in or trying to photos of my injuries they aren't bad and were planning to arrest him today for criminal damage plus common assault
I'm panicking now i didnt want him to get a criminal record loose his job maybe not find another job and his family are nuts so the backlash if he is charged will be huge
I've called the police to say I'm panicking and the officer has gone to speak to his sgt and get back to me
I just dont know what to do and im not strong enough for all the fight ill get back
Anyone been in a similar situation and had a partner charged for assault/ criminal damage?
What happened to them?

OP posts:
Ffsffsffsffsffs · 15/09/2020 06:06

I dont want to ruin the man

No love, he's doing that to himself. PP posted above that she wished she had pressed charges in the 6 previous assaults before the 'last' one - the one that now means her dc won't likely be seeing their dad for the foreseeable.

Ensure any communication with him/his family is by text or email only (if you must, blocking them all completely is better) so you have evidence of their threats. He really can't argue against video evidence and photos of your injuries.

Dig deep to find a pocket of strength op, it's going to be a bumpy ride. But remember, none of this is your fault. NONE OF IT

sashh · 15/09/2020 06:27

Well done for talking to the police.

If he does get a criminal record / lose his job that is HIS fault not youors. It is not your job to be a punchbag.

His family are going to be nuts whatever you do.

Talk to the police and to the agencies highlighted by a PP with the aim of keeping you and your child safe.

When he is arrested the police will probably have to bail him but they can put conditions on that bail such as he not come to your home or work place, breaching that would send him to prison.

CausingChaos2 · 15/09/2020 06:34

So sorry he has done this OP. I think the police are keen to press ahead with domestic abuse cases even if the victim doesn’t want to. The guilt you feel is because you still love him, but I guarantee when you’re independent of him you’ll be glad that you got justice. A conviction will also support you on restricting his access to your child if you believe he is a risk to them too.

If it interferes with his job, that’s his fault, not yours. He didn’t have to do this to you. Stay strong.

ApolloandDaphne · 15/09/2020 06:48

You mustn't take any blame for his actions. If he loses his job then that is his fault for being violent towards you. He can only ruin himself. You must ensure the safety of you and your baby. You did the right thing.

JoanJosephJim · 15/09/2020 06:59

Just like you will teach your child, actions have consequences.

He chose to attack you, I bet you will say he was angry, does he attack his boss when he is angry? work colleagues? friends? the person in the queue at the supermarket or was it just reserved for you?

He chose to try to get at you again by trying to break into your house, for you to video it this must have gone on for a bit. Think about what he could have done if he had managed to get to you.

My auntie finally left her husband when he broke her jaw. Violent behaviour towards someone you love is wrong. Completely wrong and that is why the police have charged him, people cannot go round attacking other people, that is why there are laws against these things.

He chose to do this, he now has to face the consequences. If his family threaten you, contact the police. You have done the right thing.

Morana23 · 15/09/2020 07:16

I was in this exact situation around 6 years ago Flowers my ex had been physically and mentally abusive for a while but this was the final straw for me, hurting me in front of our sons and smashed my front door in. That was the first and last time I ever reported him to police, I was absolutely terrified but knew it would never end if I didn't. He had tormented me for 4 years, enough was enough, I wanted more than anything else to live a safe and peaceful life with my boys. In court he was given a restraining order, indefinite. Not allowed to contact me directly or indirectly, or approach me or enter my street. And pay compensation to me which I received in instalments over a few months. We have not seen him for over 5 years now, I am happily married and my life looks completely different now. I completely get having a wobble, I had many but if you back out of this now, he will do it again and again. Stay strong and keep this animal out of your life - you won't regret it Flowers

countdowntofriday · 15/09/2020 07:18

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Ask yourself; would you ever do what he did to anyone? How much would you have to hate someone to behave like that? That's how he feels towards you?

You need to press forward with charges to protect your child. I know it's frightening for you, but you need to be creating good strong evidence that he isn't safe around your child. I've seen so many threads here from women a few years down the line who are having to let their kids go to an abusive man and are kicking themselves that they didn't press charges when they had the chance.

Pobblebonk · 15/09/2020 07:32

His family are as abusive as him and have threatened me with making false claims to social services about me

Social services won't be interested. They get these idiotic vengeance reports all the time. The fact that this family's minds spring so readily to benefit fraud is, if anything, more likely to lead SS to check up on them.

Rainagain72 · 15/09/2020 07:45

@Pobblebonk

His family are as abusive as him and have threatened me with making false claims to social services about me

Social services won't be interested. They get these idiotic vengeance reports all the time. The fact that this family's minds spring so readily to benefit fraud is, if anything, more likely to lead SS to check up on them.

Also, now he has been arrested there is evidence of the reason for any unfounded, malicious reports or trouble making instigated by his family...the fact he has been arrested gives you protection here. False claims about victims are as old as the hills..these agencies will have seen it all before.

You might be starting to feel sorry for him because you are a tender hearted person but he and his family wouldn’t have the same empathy for you.

Evilwasps · 15/09/2020 07:52

OP your statement forms part of the evidence against the man. The decision whether to 'press charges' is not up to you, the Police decide whether the evidence they have should be presented to the prosecution service in order for him to be charged. Your statement is an important part of that evidence, but not the only thing.

A cautionary tale; my STBEXH was like this. I withdrew my statement because I didn't want to destroy his life, and because he hadn't been like that before. I effectively gave him the green light to continue in that decision.He was released and has been arrested many times since for similar behaviour. He is careful never to leave marks, let anyone see, or say anything incriminating to the Police. He must have been removed from the family home at least a dozen times. 5 years later I am finally divorcing him. I wish I'd spared myself the emotional and mental pain. If I'd known the first time what I know now I'd not have panicked and backed down.

Do not feel guilty, he did this to himself. If he didn't want a criminal record or to lose his job he shouldn't have attacked his partner. Please do not withdraw your statement.

Ginger1982 · 15/09/2020 07:53

Think about your son. Do you want him to witness behaviour like that and then think it's ok to go on and treat his own future partner the way his dad treats his mum? You are not ruining your partner, you are keeping yourself and your son safe. If convicted, yes he will have a criminal record and if that affects his job then that is his own fault.

Stay strong Thanks

LilyLongJohn · 15/09/2020 07:57

You have not ruined him
You have not affected his job
You have not got him a criminal record.

HE HAS!

StyleandBeautyfail · 15/09/2020 08:07

@Weakmummy

Do you think he will get a criminal record for this then? That will affect his job and I didnt want that I dont want to ruin the man just for him to bloody stop
You are not responsible for this , he is. Classic abuser " you made me do it" He chose to do this
TheTeenageYears · 15/09/2020 14:14

Sometimes people have to hit rock bottom in order to change. You are not responsible for that.

Whydidimarryhim · 15/09/2020 14:37

Hi weakmoney I’m sorry you’ve been through this abuse.
I assume the police have bailed him and he is not allowed to come to your address. If he does you call the police straight away.
You have done the right thing. If a stranger thumped you in the street - what would you do? These men are meant to love us.
You have a baby you need to protect.
Please do not contact him. Block him and do not answer any strange numbers - his unhealthy family will call you.
Can you go away and stay with a relative?
When he is charged a restraining order can be applied for with the court.
You can speak to the police who are pursuing the case.
His work do not need to know so he will be ok.
However it is not your responsibility- it is all his.
Sadly these people rarely if ever change.
I hope you have real life support and others you can turn too.
I’ve been there. 🌺🌺

Anordinarymum · 15/09/2020 14:40

OP He will be relying on you to drop all charges. Then he'll do it again.

JorisBonson · 15/09/2020 14:47

It is not up to the OP to drop or press charges. It's up to the police.

OP, stay strong. He's the one who's done all this and has to take responsibility for his actions. You've done nothing wrong.

Anordinarymum · 15/09/2020 14:51

He'll be relying on her to withdraw her statement.

cupofdecaf · 15/09/2020 15:03

I work in this area. I've met womem who didn't follow through supporting prosecutions, I've met women who still loved them, I've met women who finally supported a prosecution after he nearly killed them.

I've also met the families of women who were killed. Heard about the children who witnessed abuse and in some cases the death of their mother.

I'm still haunted by a 999 call where a little girl hid in the bathroom on the phone to the police whilst her mother was beaten and the man screamed like an animal at her. He sort of roared at her it was really disturbing.

It may not feel that serious to you now. But I doubt most of those women really feared for their lives, especially at first.

Part of not wanting a prosecution is feeling like it will go away sooner. A conviction though will protect you. You'll be prioritised by the police as they know you're at risk, you'll have proof how dangerous he is. The family courts will recognise him for what he is. You'll be able to apply for a restraining order.

Please do what is best for your child and you but whatever you decide big hugs.

JorisBonson · 15/09/2020 17:01

@Anordinarymum

He'll be relying on her to withdraw her statement.
A statement being withdrawn doesn't mean that police can't still go ahead and charge him. Unlikely yes, but not out of the realms of possibility depending on what he says in interview band what other evidence they have.
JorisBonson · 15/09/2020 17:02

*and

JorisBonson · 15/09/2020 17:02

Part of not wanting a prosecution is feeling like it will go away sooner. A conviction though will protect you. You'll be prioritised by the police as they know you're at risk, you'll have proof how dangerous he is. The family courts will recognise him for what he is. You'll be able to apply for a restraining order.

Spot on @cupofdecaf

Hope you're ok OP

Original poster
Weakmummy · 15/09/2020 19:03

Thank you for all the replies
I've made a massive mistake out of panic and not being able to deal with all this stress
Please don't all jump on me i wish i was strong and im not i just feel like ending it all tonight i told the police if I dropped the charges he would think hes been clever and she assured me he was sorry and she would make it clear that they had way enough evidence to charge him and i had stopped them so to treat me with respect
I've already had a call from him and his mum rhe min he was released gloatung and laughing
Like u all said I had a chance... n I blew it
I'm sorry and will understand if no one replies again

OP posts:
Original poster
Weakmummy · 15/09/2020 19:13

I wont be letting him see the baby he wont fight me for him hes a shit dad anyway
I have to meet the sgt to make a withdrawal statement tomorrow and will tell her he called laughijg the min he was released

OP posts:
glitterfarts · 15/09/2020 19:19

Don't withdraw. Tell them his reaction, that you're terrified of reprisal from his family.
That you do want him charged but want to know how to be safe if you do.