DS38 won't/can't commit to his long term DP and she wants a break

[nunnun]

My DS has been with his partner for five years. She wants to start a family but he says he isn't ready to commit to that. They've discussed it and she's told him that she wants a break from the relationship to decide what to do. He's told me he feels 'very, very down'. He's recently started a new job living in London, earning good money but in a career that he dislikes, while she's remained in their home eighty miles way. He's texted me this morning and wants to talk to me but I don't know how to advise him. It's not just the issue of their relationship, but the fact that he seems to have a fear of commitment to anything or to anyone and is getting depressed about how his 'life has turned out' (his words).

What can I do or say to support him?

That's such an unkind post Sssloou

If he's not ready to commit at 38, then he's likely the flaky type and thars a deliberate choice on his part.

I kniw it's common on mumsnet to have big age gaps but I have to say that amongst my friends and work colleagues, none of us would want to get involved with a 38 year old at age 25. What would we have in common? And at 20, we would still have been university students as well, mixing with our plenty of other students. So I'm guessing that not only is there a big age gap but there is a difference in educational level between them too.

He reminds me of my ex, who was basically a spoilt brat who had been given everything he wanted all his life and who expected it from women as well. In his case, he rotates increasingly unsuitable younger women with whom he has nothing in common with and he's been around the block so many times that most women with prospects would have nothing to do with him.

Or another make friend who had a lovely girlfriend 10 years ago who left him because he wouldn't commit. He's now mid fifties and desperate for another girlfriend, but no one wants him. He still can't see that there was anything wrong with his decision to let his girlfriend go and still thinks he should be able to find another one who will be happy to do the same thing while he offers no commitment. You do find yourself wondering what is so entrancing about no commitment that becoming a sad lonely older man contemplating spending their senior years tended by strangers in a nursing home is just so worth having!

It's likely that his 25 year old girlfriend has got fed up with him and realises she could do much better, especially finding someone who wants to get married and give her some security. It may not even be abiut children.

There's a lot to be said for bringing up children to respect women and family, rather than as little emperors who are entitled to everything they want in the sweetie shop. It's really shocking that he has gone to his mother about thus rather than being able to sort out his own personal life by making normal adult decisions!

Talk to him - if he's scared of being a father point out that just because his father was rubbish doesnt mean he will be.

Time to point out that you wont be in his life forever and he needs to either start a family or accept that he lives alone. There will not be many women prepared to settle for not having children.

Sometimes men just need a bit of a push. I gave a male friend some encouragement to commit years ago (pointed out his lovely girlfriend was not going to wait around much longer) - they've been married many years now, their 2 children are adults.

I think you can only listen, and perhaps suggest he seeks help if he's down. If he can't or won't commit to his partner after five years together, it's not surprising if she gives up on him, really. What is he waiting for? Why should either of them carry on as before if there is no progression in the relationship?

If you were her mother, what might you say to her? Perhaps you could usefully tell him...

but I don't want to be too hard on him because I'm worried about him.
What are your specific worries OP?

I think your advice to him would be to let this young woman go and get on with her life.

@nunnun - I think there are some very unkind remarks being made against you here and there's no need for it.

It's good that your son is close to you and able to talk to you about what he is feeling.

But he needs to recognise that a lot of his dissatisfaction is coming from his failure to commit because it is commitment - to people, to jobs, to interests and so forth - which gives life so much of its meaning. I think he must imagine that everyone else goes through life feeling extremely certain and secure about their choices - that's certainly not the case for me and I doubt it is the case for most people; there's an element of risk in every major decision that things will not turn out the way we would have chosen but we make the choices anyway because that is part of growing up and moving forward. It's all part of life's journey and part of the learning.

He's 38 now so he really does need to start taking these steps. That is not to say that he should have children - he absolutely shouldn't when he's so uncertain - but he should find other things he can commit to just so he can experience it. A hobby. Maybe even a pet! I also think he would do better dating women his own age or older rather than pursuing women so much younger. That's a sign of real emotional immaturity and he needs to start growing up emotionally.

It sounds as though he needs some professional counselling. I'd also suggest he switches jobs to something nearer his DP and that he likes.

I agree he needs to be honest with her
My eldest two sons are around that age and whilst one wantedto and had a family with his wife in his twenties, the other parted with his partner early thirties as she wanted a baby and he wasn’t ready. He didn’t marry and have children until late thirties . My youngest son approaching thirties is adamant he doesn’t want any children ever and hopefully he will make that clear to a long term partner.

I'm not an overbearing mother, nor do I make a habit of interfering in his life but I am worried about his negative view of himself and how that's affecting his inability to commit to planning a future, whether it's with his gf or not. She does love him very much, but she's level-headed and clear about what she wants and is tired of his prevarication, which I completely understand, as I said in my pp I love her dearly and respect her decisions. I just want him to be happy with his life and his decisions, like all mothers, although I do realise there's only so much I can help him with.

I am worried about his negative view of himself and how that's affecting his inability to commit to planning a future

^^This is a good starting point for a discussion with your DS OP. I would leave the gf out of it as IME he is unlikely to commit to her, even if he works on his issues.

My sister in law was with someone like this. Nice guy, who went along with her lets have a family desire as long as she had fybroids and was having op after op. When she was finally rid, he suddenly wasn´t ready bla bla bla. She wasted her fertile years on him and is now childless when that wasn´t what she wanted. He should have had the balls to speak up and not string her along which is what he eventually did.

If he's nor sure after 5 years he's the problem and he needs some tough love. He doesn't get to waste so much of her time and not face the consequences.

I think he needs to hear that if he won't commit to her then he is going to lose her, and he needs to make a decision on what he really wants.