Messaging

[noelle66]

Hi this might be a bit rambling but I'm quite upset. Please be kind as I'm very low. What would you all think if your husband was messaging another woman and deleting all messages? I caught him out by accident the first time . It was messages like "hi gorgeous xxxxx" now found another one this morning after he drunkenly left his phone charging all night that said"ok xxx let me know when you are homexxx". He tells me it's my fault he deletes them as I've told him I don't like it. We have been together since I was 15 and he was 21.

Are you married and do you have children?

Yes we are married and have children who are teens

House in both your names?

Any female friends of his become single in the last year or two?
Any female colleague?

Yes to all 3 questions

He’s definitely cheating. You were 15 and he was 21 you say? Are these women he’s pursuing now by any chance younger than you? I must say that’s a big age gap. I met my OH at 15 and he was 17, we didn’t sleep together until I turned 16 (around 2 months after meeting).

Well, I guess you are feeling like someone has punched you in the stomach.
Hugs.

You are under reacting.

There is no point confronting. He will not tell the truth.

When asked what you want, you responded with a list of things you don't want another person to do. What do you want out of life? Can you even formulate an answer not centred on him?

No they aren't younger than me. I don't even know who I am anymore.

It might just be a bit of flirting, but assuming you still want to stray married and together, you need to set boundaries.

Do you have the name or number the messages went to?

Yes I do

Do you know who she is?
If you don't, search on FB or WA.

I'm most interested in now not back then

I don’t think it’s as simple as ‘that was then, this is now’. I think it’s actually probably the root cause of the issues you are facing. When your relationship began, you were a child and he was an adult. There will have been a significant power imbalance at play which could still be central to the dynamic of your marriage as an adult. I understand that you don’t feel this was the case, but we all think we know everything when we are fifteen; that doesn’t make it so. And our minds can often have a habit of viewing historic events through our eyes at the time they happened, rather than as adults. The fact that a child does not feel abused, groomed, taken advantage of etc does not mean they haven’t been all of those things. That’s why we have the age of consent and we don’t allow children to consent to sex.

Your husband groomed you and raped you when you were a child. Children cannot consent to sex. Those are facts, whether or not you as a child recognised them and whether or not you retrospectively recognise them now. They are facts. The intrinsic power imbalance in that relationship (compounded when he impregnated you as a very young woman) is unlikely to have disappeared over time.

I really think it would be worth speaking to a counsellor or therapist who could perhaps help you to take a step back and view your marriage objectively to help you gain clarity. It sounds like you are so bogged down that you really can’t see the wood for the trees.

I agree that a counsellor would definitely be a good idea for me. I will look into it. I do know who the person is mike.