Messaging

[noelle66]

Hi this might be a bit rambling but I'm quite upset. Please be kind as I'm very low. What would you all think if your husband was messaging another woman and deleting all messages? I caught him out by accident the first time . It was messages like "hi gorgeous xxxxx" now found another one this morning after he drunkenly left his phone charging all night that said"ok xxx let me know when you are homexxx". He tells me it's my fault he deletes them as I've told him I don't like it. We have been together since I was 15 and he was 21.

This guy has taken the piss out of you since you were 15. These messages are probably the tip of the iceberg, he’s not who he says he is.

You're not overreacting OP. I was him. He's having an emotional affair at the very least. Sorry

Thank you for all your messages

Should I confront him?

When you confront him he will lie and make you doubt yourself. He's had 20 years of practice.

What will confrontation achieve? You know he's massively disrespecting you at best, cheating at worst.

He will not change into the man you want. He likes things as they are.

So your choices are to show how much you value yourself by leaving him. or to accept the situation - he gets to have his girls, and you turn a blind eye.

Be sure to get regular STD tests if you choose the second option.

Thank you Christmas fluff. Sounds pathetic but I've never known any different and have pretty bad self esteem

Have you got DC?

He is a paedo who sexually assaulted/raped a child, so has proven he never had any sexual ethics. He maybe also exploited other vulnerabilities you had due to your home life etc. It doesn't matter if you fancied him first, a normal 21-year-old man wouldn'tve acted on that from a child of fifteen. Your interest in him was another thing he took advantage of.

I hope you free yourself from this sicko who is continuing to act inappropriately. xxx

Yes we have children although I had them young so they are teenagers.

He was a creep when you met him (seriously a 21 year old man dating and I'm assuming sleeping with a 15 year old child?) and he's a creep now.
He's cheating on you. No doubt about it.
20 years is a very long time (particularly as he groomed you since childhood), and the fear of being alone must be terrible for you. But honestly, the fear of being alone is so much worse than the reality of actually being single.
You're still young, move on and have some time alone and 'find yourself' (bleugh) and maybe in the future find someone who isn't a creep and a cheat.

The fear is huge for me. I've never been alone. I don't feel like I was exploited when I was 15 however I appreciate your views. I'm most interested in now not back then. I was just interested to see what other people thought as he makes me feel like I'm being unreasonable for not wanting him sending/deleting messages with this woman. It makes me feel like I'm over reacting but my friend says if anything I'm under reacting.

Focusing on now, you are definitely not overreacting. He's messaging another woman (or women?) in a very familiar way, lying about it and then blaming you. He's an unpleasant cheat, but it sadly doesn't seem like he's going to change his ways...

Thank you. Honestly all these messages are helping me as they are making me realise that I'm not crazy,it's not ok and I shouldn't have to put up with this. It's making me feel braver.

@noelle66

Hi this might be a bit rambling but I'm quite upset. Please be kind as I'm very low. What would you all think if your husband was messaging another woman and deleting all messages? I caught him out by accident the first time . It was messages like "hi gorgeous xxxxx" now found another one this morning after he drunkenly left his phone charging all night that said"ok xxx let me know when you are homexxx". He tells me it's my fault he deletes them as I've told him I don't like it. We have been together since I was 15 and he was 21.

Oh the old chestnut of 'you are paranoid' and 'it's your fault'.

He's having an affair, for sure.

You won't change him, n9 matter how much ypu want to. You can only change yourself and how you take charge of your life.

He is definitely having an emotional affair, at best. You want someone to treat you with respect, not this man

Thank you

Of course you are afraid of change, but that doesn't mean you should focus on worst case scenario. What about a future where you are happy, free, no longer tormented with suspicions and, if you want, in another relationship with a man that loves and respects you?

You're not overreacting at all.

It took me decades to realize that at 15 a boy of 16 sexually assaulted/coerced me or something. It's not the age he was it's how he did it, and when I was innocent realy.

I also was in love with a boy of 21 when I was 15. He had a girlfriend who was also 15 who he was shagging. He flirted with me in a 'holiday romance.' They eventually married and had 3 children. They're now in their 40s and separated a few years ago. IDK what my point is, maybe that women can outgrow men they met at that age- esp an older guy who perhaps has reasons why he chose a child (in the case of the bloke I knew, mental health problems that maybe effected his ability to impress women his own age.)

You don’t text hello gorgeous to a friend !!!!! He is cheating and taking you for a fool. Sorry op

He would say it was a joke to make her laugh as she is feeling low. I asked for it to stop as I don't think that's it at all and if it is then why delete? Then I found this new one saying "ok xxxx let me know when you are home xxxxx" and nothing before it as he had obviously deleted them. I only found the new one as it flashed on the screen when I unplugged phone charger as I needed it. I pretended I hadn't seen it,said you have a message from ... what does it say? Then he point blank lied about what it said.

I would imagine she wanted to know when he was home so as not to message when he was with me but he fell asleep (prob due to alcohol) before he read it.

Op, your husband is lying to you.

he went through a period of not having sex with me and being distant/sitting in another room/going out all the time", then he was found to be texting romantic things to some other woman and now he says he doesnt know what he wants.

Probably an emotional affair, or an affair where she's the one calling the shots.

I agree he is lying to me but I doubt I will get the truth now.

I would say emotional affair because as far as I know the secretive messaging started at beginning of lockdown although they would meet up in a group every few weeks before that so who knows.