Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Sex- when/exclusivity?

25 replies

Saltandvinegar86 · 13/09/2020 08:00

If you’re looking for a long term relationship, in your opinion when is the best time to have sex for the first time (date 3 or later?) and should you establish exclusivity first or is that too intense? I really like a man I’ve been dating for a couple of weeks and he’s someone I could see potentially a future with. I’m very attracted to him and think we will probably end up sleeping together soon, but I don’t want to screw up the possibility of a real relationship with him by sleeping with him too soon or scare him off by pushing for commitment. What would you do? Not sure if it matters but I’m 33 and he is mid 40s.

OP posts:

bumbleb33s · 13/09/2020 08:34

I would have a few dates before sleeping with a guy, though you can sleep together on first date and it works and wait and it doesn’t, so you can’t really tell. I would definitely want to have the exclusivity chat before sleeping with him though, and if you scare him off by having that chat then he’s not the right person to be with, I’d hope he’d respect you enough to be ok with being exclusive after a few dates

Original poster

Saltandvinegar86 · 13/09/2020 08:34

A little bit more context- we met online. Neither of us has ever been married or had children, but we both have had long term relationships and lived with people. His last relationship ended a few months ago because he wants to get married/have children and she didn’t want that. He has made it clear that he wants to have kids and on our last date checked that we were on the same page in terms of that. We kissed on both dates and on the second date it was pretty intense- his hands all over me etc. He has also said a few times that he is really attracted to me. Since we started chatting about three weeks ago we’ve messaged pretty much every day. We have a date lined up for next weekend.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 13/09/2020 08:41

There is no right or wrong time to sleep with someone, more it’s when you both feel it’s right. However you need to be sure in yourself if it ended the next day and he didn’t wish to see you again would you be ok with having had sex with him?

Two weeks and two or three dates is too early to discuss exclusivity though.

AuntieStella · 13/09/2020 08:49

You need to sort out what you want, not just what you think will please him.

If you enjoy sex and want to have it, then have it.

If you want to be exclusive before having sex, then live that way, and wait until you have had that exclusivity chat.

Stop trying to guess what he will respond well to, and instead be true to yourself.

StarlightLady · 13/09/2020 09:08

Waiting too long can spoil things. In my view having sex as soon as possible seperates the wheat from the chaff. Sexual compatability is important too.

Worakls · 13/09/2020 09:29

Honestly I think it's down to your feelings and your boundaries too. The guy I'm currently seeing and I had the exclusivity chat after date 3 (after sleeping together) - he's the one that brought it up. But... This is because he knows me and he knows my past and how my ex cheated on me repeatedly. He wanted to reassure me that although very early days and we're not labelling our relationship as such, he won't be seeing other people out of respect for me and what I've been through. So, we had we the chat crazy early but personally I couldn't be sleeping with someone and also seeing other people so it works for me.

NHT32 · 13/09/2020 10:30

Never used to be a thing this exclusivity chat. You met someone, had a few dates and it was always just assumed that you were exclusive. Assume OLD has changed this. I think it sounds like you are heading that way anyway. If his hands were “all over you” and you didn’t object/mind/stop this then I think next weekend is looking likely !

Bluntness100 · 13/09/2020 10:35

Yes I think old changed things, from the people I know doing it, most are seeing or talking to multiple people at the same time.

DrMorbius · 13/09/2020 10:37

Over 10 year age gap is too big.

chubbyhotchoc · 13/09/2020 10:46

Everybody is different. My own personal rules were very strict to avoid arse holes and also because I wanted an old fashioned romance. 10 properly planned in advance dates ( no home dates), one a week on a weekend ( to help rule out married men), he had to have asked for exclusivity, never cancelled a date or skipped a week, always paid the bill ( controversial), and given some sort of romantic gesture or gift in that time. Obviously I also needed to fancy him as well

StealthNinjaMum · 13/09/2020 10:58

I asked for exclusivity on the 4th date as we had slept together by then. It wasn't a big 'I want a relationship' conversation but a 'multiple dating is rubbish, causes anxiety in everyone, feels wrong to be dating other people who might want more from us' so we agreed to take each date as it comes, enjoy getting to know each other and see where it goes. 15 months later and we're still together and in a committed relationship.

BewilderedDoughnut · 13/09/2020 11:15

@chubbyhotchoc the guy had to pay for ALL ten dates?? That’s not old fashioned romance that’s exploitation at that point! Do you ever dip your hand in your own pocket?

SoulofanAggron · 13/09/2020 11:33

Having been in a relationship with a similar age gap in the past, I wouldn't recommend it.

SimonJT · 13/09/2020 11:42

It depends entirely on the individuals because the right time is different for everyone. There isn’t a universal right answer.

I personally don’t have sex with someone unless I’m in an exclusive relationship with them, for me it has been a three month and a four month wait.

Raidblunner · 13/09/2020 11:58

Damned if you do or don't kind of situation. I guess if you have it to quick he may think that was to easy. If you hang on would he lose interest. I slept with an ex on a second date which didn't bother me but she said previously she'd dated a guy for 8 weeks before having sex. She said the sex was poor and he had a very dissapointing small penis. I just felt sorry for him her being so critical. I think you just have to do what and when you feel comfortable.

Original poster

Saltandvinegar86 · 13/09/2020 15:59

Thanks for all the advice. I think I am going to just have sex when I want to/it feels right (which tbh will probably be sooner rather then later) because a. there is a lot of chemistry between us so it would be hard not to, b. I have a high sex drive and sex is important to me- if we aren’t compatible I’d rather know and c. If we sleep together for the first time and then he doesn’t want to see me again I will be hurt regardless of whether it is now or in 6 months time. My last long term relationship (5 years, lived together) started with a drunken hook up. Whereas my last not-very-successful 6 month thing started with a series of very chaste dates. So clearly there are no hard and fast rules :) I appreciate everyone sharing their experience/wisdom though! Dating is can be quite overwhelming 😂

OP posts:

Original poster

Saltandvinegar86 · 13/09/2020 16:01

The only thing that confuses me are the comments about the age gap. I didn’t think 12/13 years was very much when you are both fully grown adults? I don’t perceive much difference between us other then looks. But then I’ve always preferred older men.

OP posts:

Florencex · 13/09/2020 16:07

@Saltandvinegar86

I think the age gap is not so much an issue now but could be down the line. When I was 24 I was in a relationship with somebody that was 15 years older me. I eventually married someone four years younger than me. I am now 50 and I think I am glad I have a 46 year old husband rather than a 65 year old one.

Bluntness100 · 13/09/2020 16:34

The age gap is fine

Agog at rhe poster who wanted a man to take her\him on ten dates and pay every time. That’s proper grabby.

Original poster

Saltandvinegar86 · 13/09/2020 16:47

I assumed that was satire 😂

OP posts:

midlifenewspring · 13/09/2020 17:02

I’m very attracted to him and think we will probably end up sleeping together soon, but I don’t want to screw up the possibility of a real relationship with him by sleeping with him too soon

How can you screw up the possibility of a real relationship by sleeping with him too soon? I'm honestly curious about the thinking behind this. Has our culture really reverted to the view of slags and nice girls, and if you want to keep a guy you better make sure he knows you are a nice girl?

I slept with the man who became my husband for 15 years on the first day I met him.

midlifenewspring · 13/09/2020 17:06

I guess if you have it to quick he may think that was to easy. If you hang on would he lose interest

OMG - people do still think this!

More and more I get the impression on these threads that things have moved backwards from when I was younger.

fantasmasgoria1 · 13/09/2020 17:20

I had sex with my Fiance on the first date and we have been together almost 4 years. You should do what feels right for you. I agree with the poster who said waiting too long isn't good.

Gilda152 · 13/09/2020 21:44

The right time to do it is when you feel horny! There are no rules or formulas and sex isn't contractual anyway so just do it already and enjoy

wedidntstartthefires · 14/09/2020 00:39

If you have a high sex drive then you probably want to have sex as soon as possible to make sure you're compatible.

I think the age gap is quite a lot too, plus he sounds like he will be pushing for you to have his children pretty quickly which is a bit off putting?

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread