DH has no patience and anger issues

[Mammy45]

My dh is becoming really hard to live with. He's often moody and gives very little to the family emotionaly. He just works and relaxes. We have 1 ds 8. He has very little parenting to do as he leaves for work early and gets home around 6.
When he does do bedtimes or mornings he looses his temper so quickly. This morning he dragged ds out of bed because he was late for football training. Very rough and ds extremely distraught. I had to intermediate and calm the situation and ended up doing all the comforting of ds. Plus the getting him ready for training. I was and am traumatised. Im so worried how this impacts on ds. I am googling today is this abusive. Should we leave? Am i neglecting ds by allowing this kind of rough angry behavior of his father go unchecked. He looses it every few months and then most of the time is just low key grumpy. He has apologied and knows he was out of line but I've heard that before. I know if he roughly dragged me out of bed i would be gone so why should i accept that behaviour for an innocent child? But then i worry would the trauma of divorce be worse than the occasional parent loosing his temper. Would love to get some advice here. Our relationship is ok but his moods have made it very hard to enjoy time together. We just tick along with regular arguments about money and domestic stuff thrown in. Is this just marriage and family dynamics or something more serious?

@TooTrueToBeGood You sound like you have a lot of cats.

People can loose their temper every now and then. Doesn’t mean they are bad parents. Let the OP try and sort it out without breaking up the family at the first sign of an issue. Or are you on commission from a divorce solicitor?

@Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd

Think you read the wrong post. I didn’t say he was depressed or needed to see a GP.

Maybe you need glasses.

@Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd I see. Grammar Nazi’s are out.

@DonaldTrumpintonTheThird where is the advice you gave, as I can't see it.

@planthelpplease It’s better to offer no advice over bad advise. I’m simply standing up for the Op who is being bullied by you folks. See, I do know abuse when I see it.

@DonaldTrumpintonTheThird It's easy to stand on the sidelines and make snide remarks.

I'd like to hear your pearls of wisdom to the OP; I want to be enlightened.

@planthelpplease Please refer to previous post.

@DonaldTrumpintonTheThird That was your advice? You seem to lack basic comprehension tut tut.

We have an escalating situation here. Escalation means a situation that is getting worse. It's not a one off issue. I understand that, to you, grabbing an 8 year old and dragging them out of them, is normal behaviour. However, others would see that as unreasonable especially since this has been going on for a while.

I'll help you:

He's often moody and gives very little to the family emotionaly

You see 'often' doesn't mean once, it means many times.

When he does do bedtimes or mornings he looses his temper so quickly.

Again this isn't a one off is it. Every time he parents his children, he loses his temper.

This morning he dragged ds out of bed because he was late for football training. Very rough and ds extremely distraught.

This has now escalated to physical aggression.

Your advice we have all been waiting with baited breath for is to just let him get on with it because everyone loses their temper.

I would slow clap you but my cats are in the way.

@planthelpplease Have you ever lost your temper? Or are you perfect in every way? Other than bullying people to leave their husbands.

@DonaldTrumpintonTheThird No need to make personal remarks. I haven't bullied anyone to leave their husbands. Lack of basic comprehension gets you every time.

[quote planthelpplease]@DonaldTrumpintonTheThird No need to make personal remarks. I haven't bullied anyone to leave their husbands. Lack of basic comprehension gets you every time.[/quote]
@planthelpplease “Lack of basic comprehension gets you every time.” School yard bully.

You're the one on the sidelines with a sneer on your face making comments about cats. You're the one telling the woman who is being bullied by her husband, who has now become aggressive with an 8 year old that 'people lose their temper' get over it. Not me. Now that you've been proven wrong, you're throwing stones.

@HadAGutful has the best advice here op. They are not berating you just some kind, friendly, helpful advice

@planthelpplease I’m not wrong. You are a bully.

@DonaldTrumpintonTheThird Can you hear that? That's the sound of my eyes rolling out of my head. Enjoy your evening.

@planthelpplease Off to bully someone else on another thread I assume. Good evening.

Op ignore the infighting going on.

In your shoes I’d give your H one last chance. He sees a counsellor- properly trained in anger management and childhood issues, next week and then regularly. And he must tell the counsellor what happened yesterday.

I think you understand that your job is to protect your son. It is not your job to put up with someone who is frequently moody and has now been violent. Your H’s violence towards your son will get worse, unless he gets help to sort himself out.

Can posters please STOP arguing. This is a very important thread for the OP! Go and argue somewhere else.

A couple of things to note are that it sounds like even if the violence is a new thing, you and your son both frequently have to tiptoe around your husband's moods and occasional outbursts - this isn't normal.

Divorce also (if you went down that path) isn't necessarily a bad thing to kids especially where one parent is violent/emotional abusive.

That your husband did that to a child is pretty telling, he loses his temper with the most vulnerable person in the house. Your son needs someone to advocate for him.

@Mammy45 just wanted to say hi and let you know I am in a similar situation. Occasionally over the years we have been together my husband has been too tough on the kids and I have called him out on it...he used to say I am making him out to be a monster and make me feel like I was overreating. He had an abusive father and my dad is not like that at all. I finally lost it with him in lockdown and told him it was over...had threats, tears, promises from him and somehow ended up taking him back. He has improved mostly but a couple of weeks ago he lost his temper and chased the kids up the stairs in what I believe to be a threatening way when they were playing up. Last weekend he kicked the dog to push her out of the way, it was too hard in my opinion. I always said I would never stand for that sort of thing but here I am doing just that! I dont really have any advice, sorry.....just wanted to offer my support. I dont think my husband or yours is a monster, mine had a bad upbringing, so compared to his dad he thinks he's doing OK....but those outbursts are unacceptable.

How do i explain it to ds without him feeling its his fault?

Why would your ds think it was his fault?🙄

'DS, I don't love your dad any more. He gets angry a lot and I think that's scary. I want him to get help so he's not angry, but at the moment it's not safe to live with him.'

DS, I don't love your dad any more. He gets angry a lot and I think that's scary. I want him to get help so he's not angry, but at the moment it's not safe to live with him.'

I don’t think the “I don’t love your dad anymore.” bit is necessary, but the rest explains it well.

Well he's assaulted an 8 year old child that's the bottom line.

I've locked up people for less.

I'm guessing after 3 pages you know this by now.

Wow, I haven’t read everything but I’m going to give an alternative perspective. This was my husband at the beginning of lock down. I asked him to leave and told him that if he wanted to come back he had to arrange counselling first. After an initial telephone consultation he was told that he was very depressed and given a course of CBT that started straight away. He is now much better and and I can see a future for our family. Women do pretty awful things when suffering from depression and we do everything to keep them with their kids - I think men need the same support.

OP,

I think as you grow more honest with yourself you will admit that today was just a very brutal incident in a long line of unacceptable behaviour.

Without a doubt he will be nervous of his father.

Without a doubt your 8 year old will be scarred by this upbringing.

Depression is almost a given, growing up within such a stressful home.

This little boy needs protection from his father.
I appreciate that this is not palatable, but it's true.

I wish you the strength to take the next step and protect your son.