DH has no patience and anger issues

[Mammy45]

My dh is becoming really hard to live with. He's often moody and gives very little to the family emotionaly. He just works and relaxes. We have 1 ds 8. He has very little parenting to do as he leaves for work early and gets home around 6.
When he does do bedtimes or mornings he looses his temper so quickly. This morning he dragged ds out of bed because he was late for football training. Very rough and ds extremely distraught. I had to intermediate and calm the situation and ended up doing all the comforting of ds. Plus the getting him ready for training. I was and am traumatised. Im so worried how this impacts on ds. I am googling today is this abusive. Should we leave? Am i neglecting ds by allowing this kind of rough angry behavior of his father go unchecked. He looses it every few months and then most of the time is just low key grumpy. He has apologied and knows he was out of line but I've heard that before. I know if he roughly dragged me out of bed i would be gone so why should i accept that behaviour for an innocent child? But then i worry would the trauma of divorce be worse than the occasional parent loosing his temper. Would love to get some advice here. Our relationship is ok but his moods have made it very hard to enjoy time together. We just tick along with regular arguments about money and domestic stuff thrown in. Is this just marriage and family dynamics or something more serious?

This happened today. I asked for advice this evening. I think calling me an enabler is harsh. Im in the middle of it trying to understand what is going in and what's the best thing to do. You seem to be projecting a lot into my thread without asking even one question.

I told you exactly what I would do in my first response. If my husband had ever violently dragged one of our children out of bed, there would be no "next time" or figuring out what to do. He would be gone. I am projecting nothing. I have never experienced violence in the home and was raised to never, ever accept it, under any circumstances.

You are the one who has admitted your husband is moody, loses his temper easily, "loses it" every few months, and then he apologises but it means fuck all because it always happens again. Now he has become violent, and you're minimising.

I didn't ask you any questions because I don't need to. You've told me everything I need to know. There's support out there to help you through this, and I sincerely hope you get it. You are the only advocate and protection your son has.

@Turboshift

What was your DH childhood and upbringing like? What is his relationship like with his family?

Anger is a surface emotion covering a deeper rooted issue. He has to find and deal with that issue if he doesn’t already know what it is. Anger management may help if he really engages with it and practices at home, what he learns. If he doesn’t he will only get worse.

It is terrifying for your son, as his dad, at his age is the most important male role model in his life. Home should be a safe haven from the world which can be horrible enough.

His family Stern father lovely mum. Big family fairly close amd loving but with issues there due to father being quite stubborn. My family is very close. But we had issues growing up. Dad had depression for a few years after loosing his business.

Either protect your child or give him to someone else who will love and protect him and not make sh*tty excuses. By staying with your husband you are proving to your little boy that your nasty vile husband means more to you than he ever will.

Be a Mother. Not an enabler of abuse

Hi
I'm sorry that you are going through this and are getting little support here.
Is this the first time he has been rough with your son?

I strongly agree that he needs counselling immediately and he should stay somewhere else for awhile if possible? If this doesn't change his behaviour then I do agree with others that there is no future here because as you seem to know, from posting here, that it is completely unacceptable.

I find it hard to see you slaughtered as a mother over one incident that just happened today. People who have never experienced violence in the home have no idea what it is like, what your situation is, what money you have, what family support you have, if you have anywhere else to go etc.

I do not think you are enabling abuse when it is the same day that this just happened (obviously if there has been violence before then I would feel differently). And for someone to just helpfully suggest you just offload your child to foster care is shocking beyond words.

My exH had little patience and would act angrily with our dc. It ended up me treading on eggshells and doing everything for the dc because I was afraid he’d scare them or upset them.

I divorced him when they were under 10. Our life was so much better without him in it.

Might the outbursts only be every so often as your ds is able to modify (most likely unconsciously) his behaviour to "keep daddy nice" most if the time.

E.g. your dh isn't calm with your ds , your ds ensures his behaviour doesn't upset dh.

Let's put it another way, you work with a small team, there's one person there who's nice most of the time, some small annoyances (don't we all), but maybe once a month, when one of you is late to a meeting, he kind of flips and drags that person off their chair and into the meeting room. Is this acceptable?

Would this person still have a job? Would you ask this person to leave? Would you agree that the person stays whilst having councilling, or put them on leave until it's completed and you're happy he's got his shit sorted?

Imo the best thing you can do is ask him to leave, it's then up to him to prove he wants to improve, he needs to sort the counselling, he needs to push it forward, let it slide again and you're just telling him 'it's ok'

So it seems your DH’s childhood is being recreated, stern (angry) father and you the loving mother. Do you think your son will grow up to be like his dad as a result? Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

Ensure your DH proceeds with the counselling and doesn’t fob you off that he doesn’t need it, he does. You should get your own separate counselling too, to work through all the questions you’ve raised in your post. Angry people are also
often manipulative which they have to be to keep their victims in place. Your own counselling will help you resist you and your son being further manipulated into accepting his behaviour as normal part of life. It’s not normal or acceptable.

It sounds to me like your DH doesn’t want to be bothered doing this stuff, that he’d rather leave it to you.
If you do it all he doesn’t get angry and he can sit on his backside.

So if i face this and accept that i have to separate. How do i explain it to ds without him feeling its his fault?

You tell him that Daddy can't be the parent he needs him to be, that he shouldn't get angry with him and pull him out of bed, so until Daddy can learn to be the best parent ever you and your dc will live in a house without Daddy

The thing is that if you split your son will have some time alone with his dad, and you won’t see what is going on or be able to protect your son.
I’m not saying that it’s a reason to stay in an unhappy marriage, it’s just that you need to find ways to protect him when you’re not there.

He needs to get help for whatever issues he has and I’d want him to do this away from my home and children. Do you want your son to think this is normal behaviour...

@Mammy45 not read the last few comments but I was in a similar situation a couple of years ago. Asked on here and got a very similar (over) reaction imo.

I decided to wait while DH was at work and ds at school and ring NSPCC for advice. They were brilliant. You can do it anonymously. They actually reassured me that it's normal to get very angry sometimes, and if it was only 2-3 times a year and he was calm/normal the rest of the time they weren't concerned.

I then told DH and we had a calm discussion when dc were in bed that night. My DH decided to change, and has never pushed or grabbed our children again. Helping him to see his triggers, notice how his body is reacting (increased heart rate, sweaty palms, breathing getting faster etc) was beneficial, as was discussing that I would not tolerate our children being brought up in fear and would definitely end the (10 year) marriage if he ever touched them aggressively again.

He is a changed man. I'd give your dh the chance to do the same. Good luck (PM me if you want).

Does he drag his co-workers and subordinates around the office when they are a bit tardy? I'll assume not as he would have been sacked and likely reported to the police if he ever had. So he can control himself, he just sometimes chooses not to.

People sometimes think abuse is some complex and difficult to understand behaviour, but it's really not. Abuse is bullying, which we are all very familiar with, as the abuser is exploiting some power dynamic they have the benefit of. That's one of the reasons abuse is so horrible for the victim because they are invariably powerless to defend themselves. It's worse though because in a domestic or parental abuse situation the victim doesn't even have the safety of their own home to escape to.

So, IMO, your husband is being abusive. Does it matter as to the frequency or whether he feels sorry after the fact? WHat matters is whether you are going to tolerate your children continuing to be exposed to abuse in their own home as and when their father decides to indulge his temper.

My dh is becoming really hard to live with. He's often moody and gives very little to the family emotionaly. He just works and relaxes...When he does do bedtimes or mornings he looses his temper so quickly

Have you ever discussed your concerns with him (when he's in a good mood obviously)?

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Please be the advocate for your son. He needs you to get him away from an abusive man.

Anger management is no answer to domestic abuse or violence either. He has a problem with anger, YOUR ANGER when you rightly call him out on his unreasonable behaviour. All this is reserved for you and your son; he does not act like this around other people does he so he can and does control this. The nice/nasty cycle he shows you both is a continuous one.

Abuse is about power and control and your H wants absolute over you and his son. His abuse tactics have indeed worked on you so effectively that you are now in denial and make excuses as part of you becoming inurred to his abuses of you and in turn your son.

If you won't protect your son here who will?. Your H cannot be at all relied upon here. What was it like for you as a child, did you grow up seeing similar from a parent too?.

Remember too that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE. You understand that?.

And there is that bloody word adore again. Your son likely does not adore his dad so much as fears him. He never knows what sort of mood his father will be in and sadly for him too you as his mother are failing to protect him from being abused.

As turboshift also writes it seems your DH’s childhood is being recreated, stern (angry) father and you the loving mother. Do you think your son will grow up to be like his dad as a result? Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. History has a nasty habit too of repeating itself.

I doubt very much your H will at all keep up with any counselling in the short term let alone longer. He needs YEARS of therapy, not six sessions. Also therapy like this does not work on abusers, it can actually make them more dangerous and your H remains volatile.

He is 8. A fully grown adult male roughly dragged him out of bed. How is that better than being hit?

Your eyes would have bulged back in the 60s. My mam used to come and hit me with a wooden spoon till I got out of bed if I was running late. This was not uncommon at all

Drink driving was rife in the 60s as was domestic abuse. There were no refuges or charities helping women because it was seen as a 'domestic' and no one else's business. Children were to be seen and not heard and arseholes hit them with wooden spoons because they could get away with it.

The good ol' days, ay.

I see the “Leave him now” and “You’re a bad mother” brigade are out in force. Honestly I love how they manage to fill in the blanks from OP’s post and create an overblown story for dramas sake.

Well done folks.

@BubblyBarbara

He is 8. A fully grown adult male roughly dragged him out of bed. How is that better than being hit?

Your eyes would have bulged back in the 60s. My mam used to come and hit me with a wooden spoon till I got out of bed if I was running late. This was not uncommon at all

It was domestic abuse then, and it’s domestic abuse now.

OP, this is a really difficult situation for you. But please do anything in your power to make your home a safe, loving place for your child. Being treated like this, even every few months, will fuck him up, I promise you. He will feel like he’s walking on eggshells. He will develop anxiety and depression. He may repeat the same behaviours when he’s older, to his wife and kids. You need to treat this extremely seriously, and you need to safeguard your child as number 1 priority, because no one else is going to help him - it’s all on you. I would be expecting husband to give a sincere apology to your son: Daddy is sorry for grabbing you / dragging you out of bed / hurting you this morning, I should not have treated you that way and I will never do it again. This should not be qualified with a “but I wouldn’t have if you had just gotten up...” - I would be having a family meeting and discussing acceptable ways to treat each other - Write up some family rules together about what is / isn’t ok. Please think about whether there’s other issues, like gaslighting and emotional abuse going on. However you handle this is going to teach your son about relationships. Make sure the message is a good one.

@DonaldTrumpintonTheThird

I see the “Leave him now” and “You’re a bad mother” brigade are out in force. Honestly I love how they manage to fill in the blanks from OP’s post and create an overblown story for dramas sake.

Well done folks.

Presumably you are one of the "women should just put up and shut up for the sake of the children" brigade. What's with the fill in the blanks accusation? Did you actually read the OP or are you so blind that you just cannot see? Let me highlight the bits that stand out to me:

My dh is becoming really hard to live with. He's often moody..........

........When he does do bedtimes or mornings he looses his temper so quickly.......
.....This morning he dragged ds out of bed because he was late for football training. Very rough and ds extremely distraught......

He looses it every few months and then most of the time is just low key grumpy......

....He has apologied and knows he was out of line but I've heard that before.....

....Our relationship is ok but his moods have made it very hard to enjoy time together.....

This is clearly not a one-off isolated incident. There is a clear pattern abusive behaviour described in just the OP alone.

You can try and dismiss those that call it out but what does that make you? You certainly do not have the right to sit on the moral high ground you think you occupy. You are an apologist for domestic and parental abuse. You, and people like you, are a big part of the problem. The sooner we get rid of your sort of mindset and empower women to realise that a zero tolerance stance on abuse is reasonable and that it is not them but the abuser that is breaking up the family the better.

@DonaldTrumpintonTheThird

I see the “Leave him now” and “You’re a bad mother” brigade are out in force. Honestly I love how they manage to fill in the blanks from OP’s post and create an overblown story for dramas sake.

Well done folks.

I see the minimising, 'he's depressed', 'see a GP' brigade are out in force to excuse away violent behaviour.

Well done, folks.