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Original poster

How are you treated when you are sick?

68 replies

Hoppityhopalong · 12/09/2020 19:48

I have NC'd as I know some people IRL who also post on here and it is outing.

My DH is a workaholic. His work dominates our life. It has been worse since lockdown. He is an employee, not self employed and so he gets nothing extra for working the way he does.

He is currently working on a big project and the hours have been insane even considering his usual 70hr+ weeks. To finish the project he has been going into his office (in central London, we live on the outskirts) and he wasn't getting home until midnight and was up getting ready at 5am - I told him to just stay in a hotel if he planned to do that every night because he would wake me at 12 and then the DC at 5am bashing around in the bathroom.
So, he went to work Tuesday morning and stayed in a hotel.
I work too and so have been doing everything else (which is made worse by the DC's school and staggered drop off and collection times).

I had an accident on Friday morning - I fell down the stairs and badly sprained my ankle. I phoned him, not sure why as I knew there would be no offer of help, and he basically told me that he was too busy and that day was too important for him to come home. I called my mum (who I have only been seeing socially distanced in her garden since March) who said she would love to help but - Covid. My sister still hasn't replied to my message asking for her help.

So, I ended up hobbling around, getting the DC ready and to school before going to work myself. At lunchtime my ankle was pretty swollen so I called DH and practically begged him to come back to do the school run, but no. I ended up getting a little help from a friend's husband - he got my DC from the school for me whilst I sat in my car down the road (I can still drive).
He knows DH and was a bit WTF? About it.
DH eventually came home at 10pm last night, at that point I thought I might need to get my ankle checked out but I was too tired and thought I would wait until this morning.

Today - we had arranged a last minute visit to my ILs - when the new "6" rules come in we won't be able to see them. It is about a 1.5/2hr drive. I asked DH to go alone as I wanted to rest my ankle/ perhaps go to the minor injuries unit (although the swelling had reduced massively this am). He said he would end up falling asleep at the wheel as he has worked so much recently (this is true) and so I ended up agreeing to go as long as we left straight after lunch so I could go get my ankle checked out. All fine.

Except we didn't end up leaving until 4pm. The traffic was awful and we didn't get home until 6.30pm. The DC have been playing up (I left DH to deal with dinner, bath and bed so I could rest up my ankle as I drove home and it swelled up again).

I am now at my neighbour's house babysitting (we have a reciprocal arrangement and I had completely forgotten I had agreed to tonight, I had next week in my head) DH refused to do it because he wants to work.

He has now messaged me to say he will be working in his office tomorrow from 7am "until I get everything done that I want to" (basically midnight) as he cannot work at home with the DC messing around. So I will be alone with my DC, again, with a really sore ankle.

He has been in a foul mood all day because he clearly wanted to be working and was VERY unhappy about having to do dinner (chucking some pizzas in the oven) and deal with the DC (who he has not seen since Tuesday am). He seems so angry with me for hurting my ankle.

I feel I have no one I can rely on.

OP posts:
BronwenFrideswide · 12/09/2020 19:59

The polar opposite to your husband but that doesn't really help you does it.

Your dh seems to be completely avoiding you and family life. However, as you say he gets nothing for all this extra work does he feel vulnerable in his job, afraid he will lose it if he doesn't do this? If not, then it would appear to be an excuse to stay as far away from you and the children as possible.

Neither you nor the children can rely on him so you need to find other sources of support but ask yourself is this what you want out of a relationship and do you think this is an acceptable standard of parenting?

Bookaholic73 · 12/09/2020 20:02

Yeah, my answer won’t help you, as my DH looks after everything if I’m not well/injured.

I’d say the same as @BronwenFrideswide

Smellbellina · 12/09/2020 20:03

Me ex was the same.

frazzledasarock · 12/09/2020 20:06

Woke life be much more different without I’m in it? Apart from fewer obligations to do his things.

BlueDream · 12/09/2020 20:07

He sounds absolutely fucking useless.

I had an operation earlier this year and DP was fab. Took 2 days off to take me to hospital and stay with me after the anaesthetic for 24 hours, then brought up trays of food and drink before and after work for me until I could be out of bed again. He insisted I stayed in bed, it was so nice it was kind of worth being ill.

mypetEufy · 12/09/2020 20:25

Sorry OP, sounds like his heart elsewhere.

Do you know that he's actually in the office when he says he is?

renallychallenged · 12/09/2020 20:32

I would be very sceptical that he spends this long in his office. What on Earth is he doing? He's either terrible at his job and needs to spend hours longer than other people to achieve the same outcome OR he's not actually working all those hours at all.

He's avoiding family life - he doesn't want to be with you and the kids. Many men don't I'm afraid, they follow the social norms of getting married & having kids and then find that actually they preferred being a selfish self centred singleton. But it's too late to go back, and they know they'd be viewed negatively for saying it, so they hide away at "work" pretending to be providing for their family but actually have emotionally checked out. Even if he's not yet having an affair he almost certainly will do if the opportunity presents itself.

You can do better. You would be better on your own with an access arrangement that gives you a couple of nights off a week.

Original poster
Hoppityhopalong · 12/09/2020 20:36

His job is his identity, he has always worked hard and long hours but it never used to encroach onto weekends. He was made redundant last year but got a new job very quickly - he is very employable and very good at what he does - but, yes, I think he is very much still trying to prove himself. Redundancy really knocked his confidence.

It is like he is an addict. All he can think about is work.

I've never really been one to get ill, when I had the DC he was very attentive and looked after me but something has changed.
He is going to be working long hours next week too and has already said he will probably stay in the hotel again. Apparently everything will be better after next week (but I have been hearing that for months).

It's not just him though - my mum hasn't bothered either. I was desperate on Friday morning, I wasn't sure if my ankle was broken (I was in a bit of shock I think) but she would not consider helping me. I know Covid is a serious matter and she is being strict (except when it comes to garden centres and meals out Hmm) but I would have thought she would have offered some assistance. I have just found out that my sister is away for the weekend which is why she hasn't replied (she has read it though!).

I do wonder if it is because I am very self sufficient. I just get on with things. I tend not to rely on people but then when I do need someone, no one cares.

Wallowing in self pity and unable to work my neighbour's tv which is probably not helping! Grin

OP posts:
Fast90 · 12/09/2020 20:37

I agree with others that your husband has checked out emotionally. I’m sorry but it sounds as though your marriage is over to me

Original poster
Hoppityhopalong · 12/09/2020 20:39

@mypetEufy

Sorry OP, sounds like his heart elsewhere.

Do you know that he's actually in the office when he says he is?

I would be very surprised if he was not in his office - he only started going back in at the beginning of September but has been working these hours for months.

I also do look him up on find my friends from time to time (we both have it on our phones) as he never tells me when he is on his way home and I worry that something might have happened to him.

I actually worry more that he is going to have a stroke or heart attack with stress than an affair.

OP posts:
Bagelsandbrie · 12/09/2020 20:40

That would be an absolute deal breaker for me. What a selfish arsehole!!

I’ve been in hospital this week with a long term chronic condition. We have a disabled child. Dh came home early from work, sorted dinner for the kids and then took the following 2 days off work to care for me (I was back home by then).

SquishySquirmy · 12/09/2020 20:40

Well as you asked....
Dh is bloody lovely when I'm unwell. If he has to work, he wouldn't necessarily rush home for something minor but he is wfh at the moment so would absolutely drop dc off at school etc. In fact he did that the other day when I wasn't unwell -just a bit tired! And I'm still furloughed at the moment! He works hard but within normal hours and still makes lots of time to spend with the dc, he enjoys spending time with us.

Your situation sounds awful.

unicornsarereal72 · 12/09/2020 20:40

I had a fall and broke my hip. I had a 6 year old and a baby. Ex (dp at the time). Actually cancelled the weeks leave he had already booked off and went to work rather than look after me and the children. My mum came on the train six hours away and stayed for the month to help.

Redannie118 · 12/09/2020 20:42

My ex was like this exactly. I rang him one night after he had already gone 3 hours over at work( didnt get paid for it) and begged him to come home as i had a horrific vomiting bug abd couldnt move away from the toilet. We had 2 kids 4 and 1 years old. He refused. Came home 2 hours later and stood over me as i vomited screaming that i was never ever to ask him to come home. How someone treats when when you are sick is everything. If someone treats you this way they dont care about you- its that simple.
BTW yes hes now my ex and my current DH is like a bald Florence Nightingale with a beard lol- point is he treats me like a queen when im sick.

Original poster
Hoppityhopalong · 12/09/2020 20:57

@unicornsarereal72

I had a fall and broke my hip. I had a 6 year old and a baby. Ex (dp at the time). Actually cancelled the weeks leave he had already booked off and went to work rather than look after me and the children. My mum came on the train six hours away and stayed for the month to help.
Fucking hell! You win.

I think this has opened my eyes to what he actually thinks about me and the DC.
If you met him you would think he is the most devoted family man. All he does is work and spend time with the DC. He has no friends, no hobbies anymore. He doesn't drink or do drugs. He literally sleeps, works, sees the DC for an hour and repeat.

He has been wfh since early March and at first I think he wanted to show that his work wouldn't slip as a result (he was still on probation at that point), then he took on more work, then one project and then another.... I don't think he is very efficient with his time and he should have set boundaries at the beginning, now his bosses just expect him to work at weekends etc.

He says he has to work like this but it is a choice, isn't it? He chooses this.

He thinks I am lazy and lack ambition. I work PT and my job is ok, I am not going to set the world alight or win awards but I do ok. It allows me the flexibility to take the DC to and from school and I can wfh if I need to but the pay is pretty poor.
If I sit and watch tv for an evening he is very resentful - "alright for some" etc.

I do virtually everything around the house and for the DC. I smooth his path constantly - it is his niece's birthday in a couple of weeks' time, we had an impromptu meet up with his family today but I ensured there were cards and presents ready - he would not have had a clue. All he has to do is work. I usually get on with things, I don't complain, I actually quite like my life but today has woken me up a bit.

I think he would be shocked if I split up from him and would not know what to do if I insisted he had 50/50 care of the DC - his first thought would be "but how could I do my job".

The thing is, I don't think I do want to separate. We do get on. We went for dinner last weekend and we do still get on, there is still a spark there.

OP posts:
BronwenFrideswide · 12/09/2020 21:30

Well he's not a devoted family man if all he can manage is an hour with the children and is only really at home to sleep.

Yes he is choosing this and the fact he looks down on you for what you do and resents you for watching TV says a lot about him and most of it negative. If you behaved like he does how does he think everything related to the family and house would function? He knows full well it wouldn't as you say his response to 50-50 care of the DC would be how would he do his job and yet he is dismissive of you and what you do.

If you don't want to separate then you need to have a very serious talk about his attitude as at the moment neither you nor the children and your welfare are important to him or a priority. If he is not willing to make changes then are you prepared to live like this for the next however many years until he retires and when that day comes will you want him around all the time? There is so much you could be sharing and enjoying together and as a family now, by the time he retires the opportunities for that will be long gone. You are essentially living independent separate lives as it is, you and the children on one side and him on the other.

Bagelsandbrie · 12/09/2020 21:33

How on earth can you feel a spark for someone who treats you so badly? Sad I find that very sad. If the roles were reversed you know there’s no way you would treat him that way. Why is it okay for him to do that to you?

ButterflyBitch · 12/09/2020 21:39

Fuck me, he’s an arsehole.
I’ve been sick all this week, Covid type symptoms though test came back negative. I’ve been in bed all week, struggling to breathe, in pain and exhausted. Dh has taken kids to and from school, worked from home (thankfully he can do that) looked after me, brought me food and cups of tea when I haven’t been asleep. Ok so the bare minimum housework wise has been done and no laundry but I felt looked after and cared for.
Surely you know how he’s treating you isn’t right?

Babdoc · 12/09/2020 21:45

Crikey OP, if you left him would he even notice? Until he ran out of clean socks?
You are virtually a single parent already. What do you get out of this relationship? Do you feel loved, do you feel he regards your needs as a priority - or even at all?
Personally, I’d issue an ultimatum. Decide how many hours a week minimum family contact time is acceptable to you, and tell him he cuts his hours to provide this, or the marriage is over. And mean it.

baytreelane · 12/09/2020 21:46

Wow, so not only is he working all those hours for free but he's also using your family money to stay in a hotel too? Does he actually earn more than £2 per hour once you've worked out the amount of overtime he appears to be doing.

You mention him being like an addict and him being in a relatively new job. There is certainly something in that office that is keeping him sitting in an uncomfortable chair all evening and going in at the crack of dawn, and even more so knowing his DW is going to struggle whilst he's there!!

lonelySam · 12/09/2020 21:47

He treated you horribly when you were sick. But in his defense (and I say that as I am on the same side as him or at least my ex says so), somebody needs to make the money and if your salary does not cover the bills the pressure is on him to keep the job to be able to provide for your family. It's a lot of stress.

Fast90 · 12/09/2020 21:47

The thing is, I don't think I do want to separate. We do get on. We went for dinner last weekend and we do still get on, there is still a spark there.

Tragic

Original poster
Hoppityhopalong · 12/09/2020 21:52

The thing is, he sees me as being unreasonable if I suggest he works less.
He earns the majority of the money and therefore I should be grateful.

You are right though, this is not on.

I would never treat him this way.

OP posts:
Hohofortherobbers · 12/09/2020 22:00

What would happen if you put your foot down (gently on the ankle!) and demanded he prioritised you and the family? Are you clearly telling him what you need or just quietly getting on with this crappy situation?

Original poster
Hoppityhopalong · 12/09/2020 22:15

@Hohofortherobbers

What would happen if you put your foot down (gently on the ankle!) and demanded he prioritised you and the family? Are you clearly telling him what you need or just quietly getting on with this crappy situation?
I think, so far, I have just quietly got on with things. As a PP said, he is the main earner and I respect that but I think it has gone to far. My well-being just doesn't factor in anything. I don't matter.
OP posts: