How are you treated when you are sick?

[Hoppityhopalong]

I have NC'd as I know some people IRL who also post on here and it is outing.

My DH is a workaholic. His work dominates our life. It has been worse since lockdown. He is an employee, not self employed and so he gets nothing extra for working the way he does.

He is currently working on a big project and the hours have been insane even considering his usual 70hr+ weeks. To finish the project he has been going into his office (in central London, we live on the outskirts) and he wasn't getting home until midnight and was up getting ready at 5am - I told him to just stay in a hotel if he planned to do that every night because he would wake me at 12 and then the DC at 5am bashing around in the bathroom.
So, he went to work Tuesday morning and stayed in a hotel.
I work too and so have been doing everything else (which is made worse by the DC's school and staggered drop off and collection times).

I had an accident on Friday morning - I fell down the stairs and badly sprained my ankle. I phoned him, not sure why as I knew there would be no offer of help, and he basically told me that he was too busy and that day was too important for him to come home. I called my mum (who I have only been seeing socially distanced in her garden since March) who said she would love to help but - Covid. My sister still hasn't replied to my message asking for her help.

So, I ended up hobbling around, getting the DC ready and to school before going to work myself. At lunchtime my ankle was pretty swollen so I called DH and practically begged him to come back to do the school run, but no. I ended up getting a little help from a friend's husband - he got my DC from the school for me whilst I sat in my car down the road (I can still drive).
He knows DH and was a bit WTF? About it.
DH eventually came home at 10pm last night, at that point I thought I might need to get my ankle checked out but I was too tired and thought I would wait until this morning.

Today - we had arranged a last minute visit to my ILs - when the new "6" rules come in we won't be able to see them. It is about a 1.5/2hr drive. I asked DH to go alone as I wanted to rest my ankle/ perhaps go to the minor injuries unit (although the swelling had reduced massively this am). He said he would end up falling asleep at the wheel as he has worked so much recently (this is true) and so I ended up agreeing to go as long as we left straight after lunch so I could go get my ankle checked out. All fine.

Except we didn't end up leaving until 4pm. The traffic was awful and we didn't get home until 6.30pm. The DC have been playing up (I left DH to deal with dinner, bath and bed so I could rest up my ankle as I drove home and it swelled up again).

I am now at my neighbour's house babysitting (we have a reciprocal arrangement and I had completely forgotten I had agreed to tonight, I had next week in my head) DH refused to do it because he wants to work.

He has now messaged me to say he will be working in his office tomorrow from 7am "until I get everything done that I want to" (basically midnight) as he cannot work at home with the DC messing around. So I will be alone with my DC, again, with a really sore ankle.

He has been in a foul mood all day because he clearly wanted to be working and was VERY unhappy about having to do dinner (chucking some pizzas in the oven) and deal with the DC (who he has not seen since Tuesday am). He seems so angry with me for hurting my ankle.

I feel I have no one I can rely on.

My mum hasn't even messaged me since Friday to see how I am. I don't think she would come to my house, I could probably go to hers but she isn't letting anyone inside so we couldn't use the loo which limits how long we could go for (she is only 15 mins away).

Staying in PJs today, I think. Need to iron school uniform later but the rest can wait.

I am very lonely.

Just an idea. Have you considered hiring a nanny a couple of days a week to give you a break. His working all the time so get him to pay for it. Only other option is tell him you want to divorce as you may aswell be a single parent that could shock him into waking up and realising what his going to loose. His picking work over his family

My mum hasn’t even messaged me since Friday to see how I am.

It is only Sunday? I wouldn’t expect my mother to check up on me every two days because of a hurt ankle (which as I posted earlier I have in the past and was on crutches for two months).

@Florencex

My mum hasn’t even messaged me since Friday to see how I am.

It is only Sunday? I wouldn’t expect my mother to check up on me every two days because of a hurt ankle (which as I posted earlier I have in the past and was on crutches for two months).

Really? We are usually in touch every day via the group WhatsApp (me, my sister, my mum). Although they have a much closer relationship so I imagine the group chat has been quiet because my sister is away. I assume she probably thinks my DH is a decent man and is taking care of the DC at least. I'm just feeling sorry for myself.

He would not agree to a nanny or anyone that comes to the house, we don't even have a cleaner. He thinks I should be a sahm as it is. Pre Covid my mum or his mum would spend an afternoon with the DC if I needed a hand but obviously that help has gone.

He would not agree to a nanny or anyone that comes to the house, we don't even have a cleaner. He thinks I should be a sahm as it is.

Well that definitely needs to change.

I have been through periods where DH worked long hours and wasn’t around enough. However 1) he always supported the idea of me getting external help and 2) he changed the level of devotion to his job to get more of a balance.

It took time though and it was hard at times. The important part is whether your DH is willing to listen to what your needs are and also if you are willing to actually say and insist on what you need.

Oh and definitely do not give up your job.

My husband works hard. He's also employed. Some days he's up at 5am and doesn't finiish till 1am. The way our house is. He's got an office with a bathroom and it's in the attic. So when he goes to work he goes uk there and that's the last we see of him.

However. I have very bad health issues. I'm in and out of hospital all the time. When our kids were young it was very hard to get him to help. But he did. He'd bring his computer down and work. But with this. It's made him better. Because his colleagues know he's got kids and that during Covid some of the calls might have them in the background. I was in for a whole month a few weeks ago and the house worked so effortlessly. But it's taken years. He often goes away for work. My daughter had an illness which meant she was sick every few days and I didn't sleep. I spent 3-4 days awake. It was awful. He would leav his work. Just uk and leave. To come look after me.

But your post struck me. I know the feeling of having a DH that works like you wouldn't believe. Some days I don't even here him. He doesn't come down for food. Drink.

The other fortunate thing is. His boss KNOWS how hard he works. But that's only been this company

The company before he'd work his arse off and no one had any idea. So I get it

When my kids were young. He went into London every single day. It was a 3 hr train journey there and back. He'd wake up at 4am Get the 5am train. And wouldn't be back till 11.30. He did this 5 days a week. On top of that if I needed the car. He'd have to do a 4 mile walk to the station! . I had no one. People used to tell me of their DH being home at 5pm. Helping the kids with their baths. Reading their kids bedtime stories and I used to think. Wow. There are DH that actually do that?!?? I brought the children up myself when they were young.

However. He's now pretty much the boss but he still works damn hard.

The not wanting you to be a SAHM rings more alarm bells for me than the work/you being injured issues.

He seems to want to control you and play at looking like the big man with the little woman at home tending the fire.

It’s all about status for him.

Btw you can’t force 50/50 post split on him. He sounds like the kind of father who will barely want EOW.

And he’ll be resentful of paying child maintenance too.

@Sunnysideup999

Good luck OP. I know a lot of posters will be outraged at your ‘selfish’ DH but until you live that situation it’s hard to understand. It sounds like you DH is under a lot of pressure (as you both are!) so go easy on each other... if you love him then have a chat and say you understand his situation, but he also needs to understand yours...

He's married and has kids. That should be his first priority, not his job and working unnecessary hours. This society is so messed up because too many people idolise "things" and social status over actual human beings.

So he won’t help you when you need it, but won’t let you get help in the form of childcare? That IS controlling. My husband works like crazy but admits he can’t be there so is happy to get help in (and pay for it). It’s only fair if he is absent all the time after all.

As I said before, money is not his goal. He barely spends a penny on himself, we don't have a flashy car or anything like that. It isn't about "things" it is about status and he says security for the future (although what that will look like I do not know).

Sorry, he sounds like a selfish idiot.

To answer your question, DH treats me like his beloved gran when I'm sick. Don't have to move a muscle, lots of tea, meds and snacks brought up and most importantly he looks after DS.

He thinks I should be a sahm as it is.

He thinks I am lazy and lack ambition.

These sentences don't really mesh. But it looks like he wants you at home so he can completely check out of doing anything except work but at the same time he also disrespects you because you're not the same kind of workaholic as him, and more importantly, earning like him.

He needs to stop working so much if he wants to remain married. And whatever little spark you think you have, this will disappear as your resentment grows, which it will if nothing changes.

You're doing pretty much all the family life on your own. He's not doing much parenting of his DC if he's just seeing them for a bit and not even doing family stuff at weekends. So, he's not an amazing husband, much less an amazing father.

I'd give him the ultimatum that he sorts his life out and rejoins the family, or you will LTB. You have little to lose here, because he's not very present in your lives as it is.

The thing that stands out to me is him guilting you into driving to his parents house. A lot of men can't be home immediately to do school runs etc but they will then let their injured wife rest as soon as possible.
He sounds dreadful op and I would seriously consider leaving him unless there are dramatic changes.

I am very lonely. Is this what you want from your life, because that's what you are facing for the rest of your days.

It isn't about "things" it is about status and he says security for the future (although what that will look like I do not know). More of the same with the added bonus of having someone around who is essentially a stranger, someone who has not shared in your life or his children's lives, who shares no memories of the time and experiences you and the children have shared, does that sound appealing?

He would not agree to a nanny or anyone that comes to the house, we don't even have a cleaner. He thinks I should be a sahm as it is. Yet he despises your lack of ambition and thinks you are lazy and should dedicate yourself to work as he does, what does he expect the children to do, fend for themselves, bring themselves up in an empty house?

Marriage is a partnership, you don't have that. You are like ships that pass in the night, essentially two adults who happen to live at the same address.

I'm so sorry op. Your husband does not sound very "d" h at all. He sounds like a selfish arsehole. And a little controlling- your not allowed a cleaner / nanny etc? Why is he dictating this , when it is you for whom all those chores fall? What's it got to do with him? He isn't there. He refuses to support you and share any responsibility but also refuses your getting paid support? He's not coming across as a nice man. That you feel there's a spark and still love baffles me. Is that feeling only there when he's getting his way? How can you feel loved when he treats you like a slave, belittles you (lazy and un ambitious?! When do you have time for ambition let alone laziness?!) and disregards your feelings?

I agree waitingforadulthood, I am sure when the children are older, have left home and have children of their own they will speak fondly and with pride about how their father prioritised status above spending time with them. Also sure that when the OP is in her dotage she too will look back with warm fuzzy feelings that status was more important to her husband than her, her health and well being and their children.

He doesn't sound very kind or supportive but you also need to help yourself a bit here. When you fell down the stairs, you should have phoned in sick and gone to minor injuries on Friday. If not then you should have said no to inlaws and gone on Saturday. You're not helping anyone or yourself by ignoring a possible broken foot

My ex was like this. As if my being sick was as a deliberate inconvenience. He should want to be with his DC.