How are you treated when you are sick?

[Hoppityhopalong]

I have NC'd as I know some people IRL who also post on here and it is outing.

My DH is a workaholic. His work dominates our life. It has been worse since lockdown. He is an employee, not self employed and so he gets nothing extra for working the way he does.

He is currently working on a big project and the hours have been insane even considering his usual 70hr+ weeks. To finish the project he has been going into his office (in central London, we live on the outskirts) and he wasn't getting home until midnight and was up getting ready at 5am - I told him to just stay in a hotel if he planned to do that every night because he would wake me at 12 and then the DC at 5am bashing around in the bathroom.
So, he went to work Tuesday morning and stayed in a hotel.
I work too and so have been doing everything else (which is made worse by the DC's school and staggered drop off and collection times).

I had an accident on Friday morning - I fell down the stairs and badly sprained my ankle. I phoned him, not sure why as I knew there would be no offer of help, and he basically told me that he was too busy and that day was too important for him to come home. I called my mum (who I have only been seeing socially distanced in her garden since March) who said she would love to help but - Covid. My sister still hasn't replied to my message asking for her help.

So, I ended up hobbling around, getting the DC ready and to school before going to work myself. At lunchtime my ankle was pretty swollen so I called DH and practically begged him to come back to do the school run, but no. I ended up getting a little help from a friend's husband - he got my DC from the school for me whilst I sat in my car down the road (I can still drive).
He knows DH and was a bit WTF? About it.
DH eventually came home at 10pm last night, at that point I thought I might need to get my ankle checked out but I was too tired and thought I would wait until this morning.

Today - we had arranged a last minute visit to my ILs - when the new "6" rules come in we won't be able to see them. It is about a 1.5/2hr drive. I asked DH to go alone as I wanted to rest my ankle/ perhaps go to the minor injuries unit (although the swelling had reduced massively this am). He said he would end up falling asleep at the wheel as he has worked so much recently (this is true) and so I ended up agreeing to go as long as we left straight after lunch so I could go get my ankle checked out. All fine.

Except we didn't end up leaving until 4pm. The traffic was awful and we didn't get home until 6.30pm. The DC have been playing up (I left DH to deal with dinner, bath and bed so I could rest up my ankle as I drove home and it swelled up again).

I am now at my neighbour's house babysitting (we have a reciprocal arrangement and I had completely forgotten I had agreed to tonight, I had next week in my head) DH refused to do it because he wants to work.

He has now messaged me to say he will be working in his office tomorrow from 7am "until I get everything done that I want to" (basically midnight) as he cannot work at home with the DC messing around. So I will be alone with my DC, again, with a really sore ankle.

He has been in a foul mood all day because he clearly wanted to be working and was VERY unhappy about having to do dinner (chucking some pizzas in the oven) and deal with the DC (who he has not seen since Tuesday am). He seems so angry with me for hurting my ankle.

I feel I have no one I can rely on.

@Hoppityhopalong

His job is his identity, he has always worked hard and long hours but it never used to encroach onto weekends. He was made redundant last year but got a new job very quickly - he is very employable and very good at what he does - but, yes, I think he is very much still trying to prove himself. Redundancy really knocked his confidence.

It is like he is an addict. All he can think about is work.

I've never really been one to get ill, when I had the DC he was very attentive and looked after me but something has changed.
He is going to be working long hours next week too and has already said he will probably stay in the hotel again. Apparently everything will be better after next week (but I have been hearing that for months).

It's not just him though - my mum hasn't bothered either. I was desperate on Friday morning, I wasn't sure if my ankle was broken (I was in a bit of shock I think) but she would not consider helping me. I know Covid is a serious matter and she is being strict (except when it comes to garden centres and meals out ) but I would have thought she would have offered some assistance. I have just found out that my sister is away for the weekend which is why she hasn't replied (she has read it though!).

I do wonder if it is because I am very self sufficient. I just get on with things. I tend not to rely on people but then when I do need someone, no one cares.

Wallowing in self pity and unable to work my neighbour's tv which is probably not helping!

Sorry OP you're going through this but why should your mum risk her life and health because you decided to marry a selfish workaholic man? Her age alone will mean she's more vulnerable. Spending close contact time with you and your kids who will be going to school etc is way more risky for her than than a garden centre or friends she selects to meet. It's your husband's territory to help out and you need to be standing up to him and not travelling to his parents, busting your ankle further when he couldn't care less. Quite shocked to be honest you even considered going bearing in mind your ankle and his selfish behaviour on top. It perhaps shows the power dynamic in your relationship. Unfortunately men like this take advantage of "niceness" and he probably thinks he can walk over you because you don't respect yourself enough.

Put your foot down about his working hours and say counselling is needed if things dont change

Well I used to get glared at if I was ill. Because it meant he knew he was supposed to be nice to me but he really couldn't be arsed. Plus on one occasion it meant he had to do a food shop🙄

stood over me as i vomited screaming that i was never ever to ask him to come home
Chilling
Seeing that you are vulnerable and suffering his impulse is to attack, these are the impulses of a Predator☹️

I get treated as an inconvenience and a burden when I'm ill. I've desperately needed follow up spinal surgery for years now, but have been putting it off and putting it off because I know that I'll be given no time to recover and expected to look after the children as if nothing is wrong. He won't do it. Then there'll be the comments about me being lazy, which tbf I already get when I'm unwell, because I'm not pulling my weight, despite having had major surgery. He did his shoulder in after my second CSection and I had to run around after him, a toddler and a newborn two days after he was born, which burst my stitches. The midwife was really cross with him and told him straight, but he asked me to make him a cuppa two minutes after she left.

He was great up until we had kids, looked after me for months after my first few back surgeries, but now, no chance. I had to wait on him hand and foot for over a week after his vasectomy though

I'm disabled and my ex couldnt give a shit when I was with him. Still left me to do the house and garden and work full time and generally be a skivvy. Were divorced now and my life is so much easier. I've moved into a disability friendly house with easy care garden
The only way to deal with badtards like this is to drop them like a brick down a well.

@Hoppityhopalong

The thing is, he sees me as being unreasonable if I suggest he works less. He earns the majority of the money and therefore I should be grateful.

You are right though, this is not on.

I would never treat him this way.

He loves to glorify in being a high earner, in his talents accomplishments and achievements You on the other hand are to stay in your lane, play a supporting role do not challenge or criticise, never ever dare to get between him and the limelight

@SamsMumsCateracts
Please start thinking about an escape plan, you are worth more than this 🙏🦋

Goodness me @Hoppityhopalong

Get with the programme girl! What on earth are you doing

You should set the alarm for 7 am and just get up and go to the hospital.

Don't ask his permission or ask him to look after his dc. Just go.

And have an almighty tantrum about his hours and attitude when you get back. How dare he put his bloody job before your health and well being!!

What sort of inadequate man, partner and employee is he that his job has taken over his whole life. It's pathetic and you need to stop going along with it.

My husband is awful if I’m ill.
Always has been.
You need to look after yourself, you’re essentially a single parent, act like one, and get your ankle seen

He doesn’t care, so start making plans. That’s the reality.

I often think men like the idea of children, but don’t actually want to do anything for them/ with them, unless it makes them look good
And really they just want a housekeeper and nanny

You also should have cancelled babysitting

@PinkPosyPetals, too true. But the housekeeper/nanny must want to fuck them at all times. My lovely stbxh said to me, about a month before I dumped his sorry ass, that if he was single, our youngest dc would be great as a way of pulling women. That about sums up the way he sees the dc we had together.

Hi OP,
So much of your post resonates with my situation. My DH works endless hours as well (70 hour weeks as a minimum) but gets paid very well for it. I am never ‘allowed’ to be ill. As I pick up every piece of slack on the home and childcare front. All my husband does is work and occasionally eat and sleep. Literally he rolls out of bed and goes to work and comes home at midnight. I love him and feel bad for him as it’s not much fun for him.
Similarly to you I have no family to help if I get ill or sick or incapacitated. They all live quite far away, esp to be of help in an emergency.
I recently put my back out and did solo childcare of two DC (4 and 5) for a week in agony. There was no one at all to help out. I know how you feel and it’s awful.
My only advice would be to get in some paid help to give yourself a break every now and then? And so you can rely on it in emergencies like sprained ankle, sickness etc. If your DH is spending money on a hotel, the it seems reasonable to spend money on childcare when you need it and he can’t help. We’re not infallible, and it sounds like you have no back up whatsoever.

As you have asked, when I am ill my husband fusses around me, keeps the cups of tea coming, checks on me regularly and brings my meals.

I was in a cast for two months once with badly torn ankle ligaments once and I managed fine by myself, I lived alone at that point. I didn’t have children to look after though and perhaps your mum and sister could have collected the from school, on the other hand perhaps they thought your husband would do that, as he should have.

He sounds awful. And did I read that he made you drive? I hope you have an automatic and didn’t need to use your hurt ankle.

Your DP is treating you like crap. That is not normal behaviour. My DP is self employed and a complete workaholic. He misses alot of things, dates/trips get cancelled last minute etc. But the one time I have properly hurt myself in the last few years I called him, he left as soon as he could, drove straight home and called me every 15 minutes while on the way to check I was ok as I had knocked my head and he works about 2hrs away in evening traffic.
I agree with pp that you need a serious talk about priorities

@Sunnysideup999

Hi OP, So much of your post resonates with my situation. My DH works endless hours as well (70 hour weeks as a minimum) but gets paid very well for it. I am never ‘allowed’ to be ill. As I pick up every piece of slack on the home and childcare front. All my husband does is work and occasionally eat and sleep. Literally he rolls out of bed and goes to work and comes home at midnight. I love him and feel bad for him as it’s not much fun for him. Similarly to you I have no family to help if I get ill or sick or incapacitated. They all live quite far away, esp to be of help in an emergency. I recently put my back out and did solo childcare of two DC (4 and 5) for a week in agony. There was no one at all to help out. I know how you feel and it’s awful. My only advice would be to get in some paid help to give yourself a break every now and then? And so you can rely on it in emergencies like sprained ankle, sickness etc. If your DH is spending money on a hotel, the it seems reasonable to spend money on childcare when you need it and he can’t help. We’re not infallible, and it sounds like you have no back up whatsoever.

He is a high earner too - perhaps that's why I think it's ok for him to work those hours? I don't know. The hotel is on expenses.

Well, I woke up this morning and he has already gone to work.

Yes, the car is automatic and so I can drive (left ankle!).

I assume I have at least 2 days on my own with the DC then... eldest will be at school tomorrow, I have arranged for a friend (the one I babysat for last night) to take him and collect him so that's something.

DH has promised me that he will change, he just needs this project out of the way (it should finish this week) and he is taking the following week off -he never takes leave unless we are going on holiday - he has taken 1 day off all year (but was still checking emails and sighing about how much work he would need to catch up on) and that was because I had a meltdown after weeks of homeschooling and trying to work without his help.

We shall see.

Good luck OP. I know a lot of posters will be outraged at your ‘selfish’ DH but until you live that situation it’s hard to understand. It sounds like you DH is under a lot of pressure (as you both are!) so go easy on each other... if you love him then have a chat and say you understand his situation, but he also needs to understand yours...

Yes your husband is an addict - addicted to work - being a workaholic is a serious issue. He’s cruel to you - how is he even a parent if he’s working all the time.
Your mothers is unavailable to you when you need her.
I’m wondering what your childhood was like and why you choose an unavailable man.
You didn’t cause his behaviour, you have no control over it and you cannot change this. The only person you can change is you.
Please begin to focus on yourself and what your needs are.
Your life is very limited being with this man.
I’d suggest you try and develop your own social support.
He choose not to support you - like an alcoholic chooses drink over their family - it’s the same.
He has his own unresolved childhood issues.
I’m wondering if there are addictions in your family at all?
Please focus on YOU.

Are you sure he's not having an affair? Why would he want to put in so much work when he doesn't get any extra benefits?

Do these men not care about their children? I hate to use an example, but when Ill my husbands concern is also about our child’s care being compromised.

@Falcone

Are you sure he's not having an affair? Why would he want to put in so much work when he doesn't get any extra benefits?

I really don't think it is an affair. He has been wfh for 6 months and has barely left his office. The project is one I can see publicly so I know what he is doing and what he is working on.

He gets professional satisfaction from a job well done, he doesn't get paid overtime but he is paid a very high salary and is likely to be rewarded in terms of his bonus at the end of the year. He doesn't seem driven by money, more by job title and power.

You are right though it is up to me to put myself first, clearly no one else does.

He sounds like an insufferable boring selfish piece of shit OP. It sounds like, beside money, he contributes nothing of value to your life except to set a bad example for your children. Surely this isn't how you want to be spending your one and only precious life?

My DH was never as bad as yours but he used to work to the point that it interfered with our lives. He got the job of his dreams after years of study and after about a year it escalated to obsessive working, all through the night and all through the weekend (from home so defs no affair). In all honesty I think it was because he wasn't very good at his job, and it took him longer to complete the work than it should have. I ended up doing everything for the house and baby, we hardly saw each other, and I became very resentful. I tried to be supportive but after about a year I gave him an ultimatum, either he could find a new job or he could find a new wife. He found a new job. Now he works 9-5 and earns a bit less, but we actually have a family again. I'm still working past the resentment I felt for his past behaviour, but things are so much better.

Your life can be more than this OP.

Exactly as you have been treated. It didn’t end well for me - I really was the live in help.

His time management does leave a lot to be desired. He is a perfectionist and does not delegate as he should. However, I know his two colleagues have also been working like this - I see the calls etc coming in - it isn't just him. Believe me, I have questioned that.
In his old job he worked long hours Mon-Fri but weekends were ours, I think lockdown changed that - suddenly everyone was at home and "available" all the time and it didn't matter so much if the meetings were held at the weekend.

Do you have a friend / family member that could look after the children today so that you can get your ankle checked? It should be your husband looking after them but since he's gone to work I would ask for help. Would your mum look after them in the garden?

I can't see that, if you just asked him to move out completely, it would make any appreciable difference to your life. It might even improve it because you wouldn't be constantly disappointed by all the myriad ways he is failing to care about you or the kids.