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Relationships

Finances / split up / counselling

63 replies

RubyTheRockingHorse · 12/09/2020 17:39

Dh and I have been married for 10 years and have young dcs. I am a SAHM so have no income.

I don't have access to his bank accounts. Our finances are completely separate. I have no income, except an allowance of £200 from him every two weeks. This is for food, activities, clothes etc for the whole family.

Dh's income is circa £80k p/a, but he has just managed to get a large pay rise, so it will soon be more than that. He pays all bills, including my car insurance etc.

Our youngest is about to start childcare, (again dh will pay for that), so I can hopefully get back to work, but I have no idea how that will go, as I have been out of the workplace since our eldest was born, which was six years ago. My salary pre dcs was circa £20k and that was full time, so obviously significantly less than DH.

Recently, things haven't been going all that great. I've honestly started to feel so resentful. We met at university and he asked me to go with him when we graduated, so he could do a graduate scheme. I did and we moved all over for years, with me picking up jobs where I could, contributing to rent and bills for most of that. These weren't glamorous places or places I especially wanted to live. I missed friends who were all in London and my family who are overseas. I also never did anything with my degree and i had a postgraduate lined up before we moved. Obviously I am kicking myself for not doing it now. My mum died suddenly before we had dcs and then my grandparents, who I was close to, died as well. I am sad that before they died I was traipsing round after DH, not spending time with people who truly loved me. His parents are alright but do not make much effort to see us. They have one child and set of grandchildren who they spend a lot of time with. His siblings are vile and have never liked me much. He never stood up for me through years of them being absolute dicks to me. He gets nervous about confrontation and closes down. So, to avoid him having to do that OR me having to tolerate their crap, I now just don't go to family occasions, unless it would be extremely rude not to; ie weddings and funerals.

We did move closer to London in the end, due to his work, but out in the Home Counties, still quite far from old friends in London itself and certainly not possible to pop in to see them easily. He works in London. I have suggested a million times that we could live nearer his work and therefore nearer friends in London and also nearer more opportunities for me to find work etc, but he says no.

The house we now live in, DH picked more or less on his own. I stupidly went along with it, despite some issues with it. I honestly thought, and DH said, this would just be a starter home before we moved on before dcs started school. Dc1 is at school now and we are still here. We have no friends here. It is the sort of place where people tend to have grown up and stayed here their whole lives, so making friends and breaking into those groups can be very hard.

My best friends, when we do see them are awkward around DH. He is joyless and unpleasant when they are here. A bit histrionic and not in any way affectionate towards me. I used to just accept this was his way, as he was always affectionate to me in private, but now the dcs are older, he is still a miserable sod when it's just us. He is too shouty with the kids, especially the eldest and I'm beginning to really dislike him. He won't let me decorate the house. He disagrees with every suggestion I make about it. I can't remember the last time I properly laughed with him.

BUT, he is generally very responsible. He helps out lot at home, with the kids when he can and with housework when he can.

I used to adore him so, so much, so I do think this is a rough patch. But sometimes the idea of the kids and me moving to our own little flat sounds like heaven. I have savings in the region of £30k, but no income and anyway, I'm not throwing in the towel with our marriage yet.

I would love outside perspectives on what to do. If I complain about anything in our life, dh takes the hump and says not to talk about it as it depresses him, so then nothing changes.

Would counselling be an appropriate thing to do in these circumstances?

Most of all I'm just really sad that my life is nothing how I imagined it would be and I really don't want it to pass me by. Maybe this is a problem with just me and not the marriage?

Any advice much appreciated. Excuse ramble^^!

OP posts:

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RandomMess · 13/09/2020 10:13

How much of your spending is for his DC though rather than just you?

Does he want to look the trophy wife? Hair and nails done in nice clothes etc?

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HerNameWasEliza · 13/09/2020 10:26

. You're currently getting ~£2,400 a year, and are expected to buy part of the family food shop out of it. He gets about £55k per year take home pay. Work out how much is left after he pays the mortgage, bills, kids' ISAs... I'll bet you find it's more than £2.5k per year.

I think the OH attitude to money is controlling and selfish but this info is not correct. OP actually said that she gets 200 every two weeks, which is actually 5,200 a year. In addition the OH actually gets a grocery shop in a week so the OP is actually buying only half the groceries or less I think (top ups etc.?). OH is clearly not spending all his income if he has 50K in savings so the issue I think is less about OP being on the breadline but rather about not being an equal partner in decision making. Moving into London would probably cost more but OH has decided by himself that that's not the right thing to do despite there being some clear flexibility in their incomes. It is very controlling of him to shut down all conversations about how OP is feeling and that in particular is very, very worrying.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/09/2020 10:29

ruby

re your comment:-
"as I would never keep our children in a home where they feel they are being abused or intimidated".

This is however already happening within your home. He is not at all nice to your eldest child in particular. All they see you doing is various forms of hand wringing and you cannot even protect yourself, let alone them, from his abuses of you. Whilst you are all under the same roof too its impossible.

Its not you, its him but you are also responsible for how and where you have got to now. Would you want your children to be in such a relationship; no you would not. But currently at least you are showing them that this is still acceptable to you.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Why are you and he frankly still together at all?. I can see what is in this for him but you?.
You and in turn your kids are being financially abused here and otherwise mistreated by this man and he should not be your H any longer.

Joint counselling too is NEVER recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. Do you also think that such a man would be amenable to counselling; no and he will refuse this too because he has things with you just as he wants them. You should not have to at all ask him for more money; that money should be shared and yet it is not. Such selfish entitled men never share. The power and control balance in your relationship is well and truly in his favour; you really do have no voice here within this.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/09/2020 10:32

"I have savings in the region of £30k, but no income and anyway, I'm not throwing in the towel with our marriage yet"

Use those savings you have wisely!

This whole idea about throwing in the towel is a nonsense really and is really an example of the sunken costs fallacy.

People get bogged down by focusing on their sunk costs. You've become bogged down by focusing on such.

There are two ways to understand this process, both involving avoidance. One is an avoidance of disappointment or loss when something doesn’t work out. When a relationship doesn’t succeed, especially after a long period, especially after many shared experiences and especially after developing a hope that the relationship would be a good one, it is a loss. It is a loss of what might have been and an acknowledgement that a part of one’s life has been devoted to this endeavour.

Another angle to evaluate is that focus on “sunk cost” creates a distraction from one’s inner truth. The sentence often goes like, “I’ve already invested to much, so I can’t notice my thoughts and feelings that are telling me to end or change this relationship.” This is a type of insidious defense against noticing yourself. You enter into a neglectful relationship with yourself which divorces you from your inner thoughts and the quiet feelings that might guide you in your life. In other words, thinking about what already has been may prevent you from deciding what you want your life to be.

The key is to clear away the distractions to rational and emotional clarity. Getting stuck in your “sunk cost” prevents you from this clarity, whether in your relationships or your investments.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/09/2020 10:34

I would also think he will go onto to try and actively sabotage any and all attempts you make to get back into the workplace. Its all designed to keep you powerless and without a voice. He really does want to keep you in a cage of his own paranoid making.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/09/2020 10:39

And as for where you live now:-

"It isn't that far, but it's hard to get to if you don't live walking distance (no parking and no buses)"

He chose that house and deliberately so, it was designed with his needs solely in mind. He outright lied to you about this being a starter home; this is his forever home in his head. No parking and no buses also keeps you further isolated emotionally and physically.

Abuse like you describe does creep up on people unawares; I would also think you are being coerced in other ways too that you have not mentioned yet.

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GeorginaTheGiant · 13/09/2020 21:25

It sounds like you think you’re making progress-sorry but you’re really not. He’s just showing more and more what he really thinks. He thinks he gets to say no to adding you to the family bank accounts. That, there, tells you everything you need to know about the power balance in this relationship.

I hate to say it but it doesn’t sound like this situation is very salvageable. Largely because it sounds like you’re going to keep asking him-that in itself tells him that you agree he has the right to decide these things. You need to be telling him that X isn’t acceptable (I.e. you having no access to the bank accounts) and asking him whether he wants to add you or go through a full and financial disclosure during your divorce. I’m not being flippant, if he continues to believe that the status quo is an option then why on earth would he change it? You need to show him that that option is off the table.

Printing out statements is utter bollocks too because A) he won’t get round to it and B) it retains the dynamic that they’re his accounts which he is choosing to show you. No, just no. Please get angry and stand up for yourself.

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SunshineMyT1me · 13/09/2020 21:44

To me it sounds like he doesn't treat you like an equal

You should have access to all the joint accounts

Print off statements once a month ! You are NOT a child you are his wife & mother of his children

You need to get angry

You need a job

Get your inheritance back !

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FlorenceandZebedee · 13/09/2020 21:45

Loads of really good advice here. Just to add that as you’re married you have taken financial responsibility for each other. As such, if you were to split all aspects of finances would be part of negotiations starting at 50/50 then adjusting for circumstances. This would include his pension, savings and shares as well as any joint assets and equally your inheritance savings.
Individual counselling can be brilliant to help you decide what you want with a thought to couples counselling later if that was appropriate.
Getting back into work will be the best first step in changing your situation.

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LannieDuck · 13/09/2020 22:59

but he doesn't want to add me to the accounts

Why not?

The fact he's putting lots of his money into shares is quite worrying. You have no idea how much he has there, or even any idea about where they're stored.