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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Miserable and want him to leave

62 replies

Clothflower · 12/09/2020 09:18

NC for this.
I'm married going on 5 years, been with DH total of 10 years. We have a lovely and very happy 2 year old.

I am miserable. I dislike and no longer love DH. There hasn't been anything dramatic, we just bicker and argue a lot. He is very defensive and is a very bad listener. I feel the "ick" about him. We don't have sex. Most nights we sleep separately. He can walk into a room and ignore me completely. Everything he does makes me rage from leaving shit marks in the toilet (and on the seatAngry) to how he leaves a trail of crap behind him and never puts things away. He tries to look after DC but often doesn't have a clue about how to comfort him and first resort is dummy, iPad or TV.

We are comfortable financially and I am the higher earner by a big margin. I took a longer mat leave then went back part time. He has lower paid job but not once did we ever discuss the plan for who works full time and who does more childcare. I take the whole mental load. He never suggests going anywhere or doing anything fun.

I am so fucking fed up. We've rowed for 3 evenings in a row and I've told him now I can't take it anymore I want out. He said he's not going anywhere and wants us to "just get on". I feel like I'm being forced to stay in a loveless non existent marriage because he is too lazy to make it work and too lazy to let me leave. This has happened before I just get on with it and shut up or we row and I rage at him and then it calms down again.

Sorry this is long. I need some advice please wise mumsnetters!

OP posts:
wowfudge · 12/09/2020 09:20

You don't need his permission to split up. Can you sit down with him and have a calm conversation where you tell him how you really feel and set out what you want to happen and when? You'll need to give it some thought first obviously.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/09/2020 09:38

What do you get out of this relationship now?

You only need to give your own self permission to end the marriage; its not up to him.

I would urge you to seek legal advice asap and from that start divorce proceedings; that will make it perhaps somewhat more real to him. He cannot bury his head in the sand here and its not down to him either to decide that he is not going anywhere.

MotherofTerriers · 12/09/2020 09:49

You don’t need his permission. See a lawyer so you know your legal rights and what the process will be. If you rent, could you find somewhere else and ask for your name to be taken off the tenancy? If you own, can one f you afford to buy the other out or will your house need to be sold?
He sounds horrible and you don’t have to put up with him just because he wants you to get along. But I’d expect him to be uncooperative about the practical aspects of splitting, he probably likes things as they are and won’t want to change. He’ll probably threaten to go for “full custody” Of your child to put you off leaving.

TorkTorkBam · 12/09/2020 09:56

First things firsr. Of course he won't go quietly. You said it yourself, he gets everything done for him, he gets the benefits of your earnings, he gives no fucks about how you feel. He is going nowhere until. There are plenty of soon to be divorced men like this.

No plan will work that relies on him voluntarily disadvantaging himself to make you feel better.

Fortunately it is a marriage and a house not a sentence and a prison cell. There are options. He will fight them. Tough shit for him, like many dickheads who have gone before he will find that you can and will force an end.

Accept that it could take a year or two to be totally unbound from him. The sooner you start the sooner it ends. Get those ducks in a row. See a solicitor asap. You don't need to discuss any of it with him. Your actions will speak loudest.

user165423256322 · 12/09/2020 09:59

Speak to a solicitor.

Snooper22 · 12/09/2020 10:06

This was me 5 yrs ago. So I moved out with the kids to a rented house and put house up for sale. He wouldn't move out or let me stay in the house so had no choice. I had to take a loan out to cover half the mortgage and my rent, he did f* all. I split the equity and we bought separate houses and got a divorce. He's got a gf and a baby now. I'm happy with my partner and my DDs. The relationship had ultimately run its course and I couldn't put up with his behaviour any longer. I'm happy now ☺.

Sakurami · 12/09/2020 10:28

Well, you don't need his permission. Get legal advice and take it from there (he sounds vile).

Original poster
Clothflower · 12/09/2020 10:29

Thanks all for your responses. This morning to demonstrate what exactly he is like, he's ignored me all morning and we've played room ping pong. I said to him that it's not going well between us is it and his response was "no it's not. Do you have any washing to put on?". I've told him in no uncertain terms that I'm sick of him and want out. He keeps just disappearing to the bathroom. He's come to me now saying he wants things to be better and doesn't want to fight. He's really not getting it. I feel like I just cannot keep going on and pretending it's all ok. I am so fed up of him. I feel like this is the last straw. Rather than argue with him I am just completely switching off from him. I know his words are empty and he is perfectly happy in a crap marriage as long as he has a comfortable life.

We're renting and have been looking for a house to buy. I realise that I am dreading moving to a new house with him and feel like I would be making the second biggest mistake of my life (first big mistake was marrying him). Our tenancy is almost up. I am the lead tenant. Would I be able to ask for my name to be taken off and just look for another rental to move into with DC.

Can I really just move out with DC though? Will that cause issues at a later stage? My heart breaks for my DC as he's such a happy boy but I really cannot go on like this.

OP posts:
Techway · 12/09/2020 10:34

How long have you felt like this? I don't rush to suggest ending marriages where there isn't abuse as divorce isn't an easy option. You have a young child and back to work causes power dynamics and workloads to shift. Women do often bear a greater responsibility as mat leave seems to lull men into a false sense of the workload.

What did you like about him? Have you ever been able to communicate well? Has he always been defensive or is this more recent?

If you feel you have tried everything then you end the marriage by seeing a solicitor who will start the process. You can still live together through the process if finances don't allow separate houses.

Do you have an idea of how finances could be split? If he is lower earning he may need more of the equity to be able to rehouse himself and space for your dc.

TicTac80 · 12/09/2020 10:37

You guys can still successfully co-parent if you're not together. Believe me, it will be better for DS to have two parents who have split but are co-parenting amicably, than two parents who are together and miserable. So don't let that stop you splitting with him.

I would get your ducks in a row, get some legal advice and start looking for a place to rent by yourself with DS (thank God, you've not bought a place with your DH!!).

Bluntness100 · 12/09/2020 10:37

Op as a pp said, you do not need his permission.

Just tell him, kindly. That it is over. And that you both need to sort the living arrangements and what your plan is

RandomMess · 12/09/2020 10:39

Find a new property to rent and don't renew the current one. Tell him you aren't renewing it and he needs to find elsewhere to live.

Closetbeanmuncher · 12/09/2020 10:52

You don't need someones permission to file for divorce OP! Are there any financial assets that need to be split such as savings?

And yes you can take your son with you, I would suggest having a plan in place for contact before you leave.

Whatever you do don't buy with him or Renew the tenancy, you'll tie yourself back in.

I can totally understand why you don't want to carry on, it's like looking after a baby with these types of people.

Alicorngirl · 12/09/2020 10:56

Hi I really identify with you!

I have been with my husband 20 years and we have two girls. I just somehow got to a point that I just don’t really like him much anymore.

I really resent him because I have been a doormat - I have hardly any friends or hobbies because I am doing all the mental and physical load being a parent to both kids .

I so wish I had had my eyes open sooner.

Good on you if you move on. I wish I could be that brave.

Laserbird16 · 12/09/2020 10:59

Have you tried couples counseling?

I know you say you want out but you have a child and I would explore all avenues before divorce.

If you're sure you can't be with him then as PP have said you don't need his permission to leave

TweeBree · 12/09/2020 11:08

Sounds like the perfect time to start over without him, OP.

Life is too fucking short to be with someone who doesn't respect you - and let's be clear, that's exactly how someone who leaves shit on the toilet seat and avoids the mental load of childcare and life admin views you.

TorkTorkBam · 12/09/2020 11:20

Yes, you can move to a new place with the children without him. It happens all the time. The divorce courts aren't interested in getting even in contact arrangements. They will care about what is in the best interests of the children.

Don't guess this stuff though. Get yourself to a solicitor asap to get advice tailored to your exact situation, especially that big pot of savings.

MotherofTerriers · 12/09/2020 12:31

Look for somewhere for you and your child, and don't renew the tenancy. He can renew it in his name only or find someone else. TBH I'd see a lawyer and start viewing properties without discussing it with him. Get a plan together, then he might start taking you seriously. You can move out and then go for couples counselling if you wish, even if it is just to help you coparent amicably

MyOwnSummer · 12/09/2020 12:51

You need to take concrete action to show that you are serious.

If a tenancy is not renewed, it automatically becomes a rolling periodic tenancy so you need to serve notice. Either tenant can do that under English law.

I assume if you're saving for a house you have enough for a deposit and first months rent already?

Just go! See a solicitor asap.

Original poster
Clothflower · 12/09/2020 12:52

Thanks all. I'm so grateful for the support here. I've just had enough of rowing and making up and brushing everything under the rug. We've gone this a lot in our 10 year relationship. I've turned into a mean horrible shouty person at times and I hate that. I know the stakes are raised with a DC but I cannot see a happy for future for me with DH and perhaps I'm selfish and I know if I do separate from him I will feel guilty for the rest of my life for DC.

Anyway he went out earlier without even saying anything and I put the latch up. He's texting me saying why have I locked him out. I have no idea what to do right now. It's probably massively unreasonable of me but I can't stand the sight of him right now

OP posts:
honeylulu · 12/09/2020 13:52

The housing situation simplifies things massively. Give notice on the tenancy and rent a different property for you and the children. He can't come with you against your will. File for divorce. Can you increase your hours and go full time?

user1471538283 · 12/09/2020 14:09

Oh I bet he doesn't want it to end but he also cannot be arsed to make it work. I would tell him you are ending the tenancy and moving. It's up to him what he does. Let him in and tell him now

Isthisit22 · 12/09/2020 14:14

Sounds like a good time to finish things. Get your name taken off the tenancy and rent elsewhere with your child. It'll be hard to make the leap but you will all be happier in the long run 💐

larrygrylls · 12/09/2020 14:16

You can’t make him leave. You can end the relationship. If you do it fairly and decently, you will be able to coparent well. If not, it will be very difficult.

You need to tell him you want a divorce and actually get the ball rolling with a solicitor. You then need to discuss living and parenting relationships going forward and agree.

If you just move out with your child, you will put him in a stronger position with respect to the divorce and getting the contact with your child that he wants.

Marriage is taken seriously in law. It is a contract. Talk to a solicitor as soon as possible and find out what is and is not reasonable to do. Remember, his internal narrative is probably different to yours. What would he write were he to start a thread?

Ending an unhappy relationship is a necessity, but ending a marriage is a process which needs to be done correctly and patiently. It is unpleasant but it does end and then you move forwards.

MsKeats · 12/09/2020 14:20

You can't be stopped from leaving. Are you joint tenants?
I'd move out and go back full time and ask him to do 50/50 childcare.
I'd see a solicitor. It might be that you can work on it -but space may give you the clarity to see how awful this is for everyone.