Miserable and want him to leave

[Clothflower]

NC for this.
I'm married going on 5 years, been with DH total of 10 years. We have a lovely and very happy 2 year old.

I am miserable. I dislike and no longer love DH. There hasn't been anything dramatic, we just bicker and argue a lot. He is very defensive and is a very bad listener. I feel the "ick" about him. We don't have sex. Most nights we sleep separately. He can walk into a room and ignore me completely. Everything he does makes me rage from leaving shit marks in the toilet (and on the seat) to how he leaves a trail of crap behind him and never puts things away. He tries to look after DC but often doesn't have a clue about how to comfort him and first resort is dummy, iPad or TV.

We are comfortable financially and I am the higher earner by a big margin. I took a longer mat leave then went back part time. He has lower paid job but not once did we ever discuss the plan for who works full time and who does more childcare. I take the whole mental load. He never suggests going anywhere or doing anything fun.

I am so fucking fed up. We've rowed for 3 evenings in a row and I've told him now I can't take it anymore I want out. He said he's not going anywhere and wants us to "just get on". I feel like I'm being forced to stay in a loveless non existent marriage because he is too lazy to make it work and too lazy to let me leave. This has happened before I just get on with it and shut up or we row and I rage at him and then it calms down again.

Sorry this is long. I need some advice please wise mumsnetters!

I feel exactly like this. I just can't be bothered to be around him anymore but still fearful for the future. O cannot help but feel rage around him as he continues doing this and that and doesn't even acknowledge me in the room. He's said about two sentences to me all day so far. Shall we go to the park and that he made eggs for breakfast. I can't sit in the same room as him and continue to be ignored anymore. If I don't make conversation he literally says nothing to me.

I want to scream with frustration

*I not O

Have left him to it with DS. Having a quiet cry in another room

Your child will suffer FAR more growing up in the middle of this, and having this as his template for future relationships.

Literally the only reason this person is with you is because he coasts off you - you realise that? You're the higher earner AND you take on the mental load and most of the shitwork. He's there because he gets a better quality of life for less with you. He gets to be a parent and not feel the full force of it. You bet he doesn't want you to separate!

You cannot live your life feeling like this. You will go mad.

You are SO lucky to be renting. Tell him it's over and find somewhere to live. You have one life. Don't waste it.

Thanks. I am literally shaking with rage and tears right now. He came in the room looking for something and hardly acknowledged me..even saw I have been crying. I just lost it a shouted at him to leave the room. His response is he's trying to do too many things at once.

I need to hear the truth don't I. We have very few friends (because he doesn't make an effort with anyone) and not close to family so no one really who can shine a light on this. God I picked a right loser didn't I.

I feel like I am going to have a breakdown.

You sound at the end of your tether and overwhelmed and unsupported.

First you need to get some rest, could you go somewhere for a few days for r&r?
It seems as if your marriage has gone into a downward spiral so both of you reacting negatively. I am not suggesting you are equally at fault but you may not be able to think clearly (been there so can relate).

If you are not ready to separate yet then consider a rolling tenancy. Start to journal your thoughts, reflect on what brings you joy, look at when you last felt happy, what are the things that could make your life easier now, who do you have for support, can you access counselling.

When we are miserable and in pain we just want it to stop but being able to rest enough might help you see a way forward. Maybe the answer is to separate but do so from a position of clarity not panic.

Are you both working from home so in each others space constantly.

Make an exit plan involving real solicitors, CMS, contact schedules, rental agreements, etc. Put your energy into executing the plan. When you have a new rental decided then put effort into ideas for furnishing and organising it. Things will feel better soon.

OP this sounds miserable, its no way to live. Why not focus on finding a rental quite close to where you are now. He can take over the tenancy and stay on if he wants, and it will be easy for your DC to spend time with both of you. Nothing to stop you all going for family days out, as co-parents. You may find you get on a lot better once you're away from him. And he will have to pull his finger out without you there to do everything for him. Its scary but you can do it. You don't have to divorce straight away, live separately and see how it goes. Get some decent legal advice quickly, find a flat and give notice on this one.

I'm really very grateful for the responses and feel I want to document how I feel and what is going on here so sorry to keep returning to the thread. I've had another really tough day and I feel so exhausted and always on the verge of tears. I have 100% no doubt that I have to make some big changes in my life. DH is absolutely useless. I won't bore you (or myself) with details but over the weekend he has shown zero empathy, zero willingness to come to the table with anything.

So I'm just continuing to focus on getting childcare in place and looking for another rental (I've told him this is without him and have not mentioned anything else).

Can I ask a silly question: what exactly do I need to discuss with a solicitor? Is it to ensure I do everything above board if I do choose to remove my son and I from the family home?

The solicitor is on the assumption that you are married, there are assets and children and thus there are courses of action that will make the divorce easier and others that will make it harder. You see the solicitor, tell them you want to divorce your husband, talk about your immediate housing decisions, they will ask questions and give advice.

Have you ever sat down with him and had the difficult conversation? Even if it is the one-sided ... look, we aren’t working any more, neither of us is happy and you don’t make any effort any more. I don’t love you any more so we need to make plans to split up.it will be easy as the lease is up on this place. I will be looking for my own place and we can share custody of the D.C.

Do you have any close relatives or friends in whom you could confide? Having some kind of external support will be really important for you and help you through the tricky times that are going to be ahead.

Cloth,

You are married. I assume you want a divorce? That is breaking a legally binding contract (marriage) and there is a legal process to go through.

There are 3 strands to a divorce: the divorce itself, child access (if I have the terminology right) and money. Normally child access comes first, then money and finally the decree absolute.

The first thing you need to agree is child arrangements. This consists of how you will share the parenting (which nights with each parent etc). If you don’t agree, this can end up (unpleasantly and expensively) in court. It is really best, if at all possible, to agree. This is the first and most important conversation to have with your (STBex) husband. You need to have this prior to moving out.

At this point you can move out but, ideally, you should put in writing your child arrangement agreement and send it to both solicitors. That is your evidence of your ex argues the toss later.

If you want a quick divorce you need to agree on grounds etc (otherwise I think you need to wait 2 years).

Finally you need to agree money, which is normally a negotiation via solicitors. If there are not many assets, you might just agree, but it still needs to be rubber stamped by a court ‘consent order’).

You seem very angry with your stbxh, but I can understand why he is not overly communicative and happy, given that you have just told him that you want to separate.

You need to firstly see a solicitor and then look through your current anger to have as positive conversation as you can with your husband about agreeing the practicalities of the separation and how you will co-parent going forwards.