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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Miserable and want him to leave

62 replies

Clothflower · 12/09/2020 09:18

NC for this.
I'm married going on 5 years, been with DH total of 10 years. We have a lovely and very happy 2 year old.

I am miserable. I dislike and no longer love DH. There hasn't been anything dramatic, we just bicker and argue a lot. He is very defensive and is a very bad listener. I feel the "ick" about him. We don't have sex. Most nights we sleep separately. He can walk into a room and ignore me completely. Everything he does makes me rage from leaving shit marks in the toilet (and on the seatAngry) to how he leaves a trail of crap behind him and never puts things away. He tries to look after DC but often doesn't have a clue about how to comfort him and first resort is dummy, iPad or TV.

We are comfortable financially and I am the higher earner by a big margin. I took a longer mat leave then went back part time. He has lower paid job but not once did we ever discuss the plan for who works full time and who does more childcare. I take the whole mental load. He never suggests going anywhere or doing anything fun.

I am so fucking fed up. We've rowed for 3 evenings in a row and I've told him now I can't take it anymore I want out. He said he's not going anywhere and wants us to "just get on". I feel like I'm being forced to stay in a loveless non existent marriage because he is too lazy to make it work and too lazy to let me leave. This has happened before I just get on with it and shut up or we row and I rage at him and then it calms down again.

Sorry this is long. I need some advice please wise mumsnetters!

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 12/09/2020 14:21

Locking him out is not OK.

You will not feel guilty for your DC because when you are out DC will have a happy mother and you will see how much of a difference it makes. He can still see them.

Expecting him to change is what's driving you crazy. Unlatch the door. Call a solicitor. Stop engaging with your stbx.

AnnaFour · 12/09/2020 15:59

Stop telling yourself you’ll feel guilty forever. If you want to feel guilty about something feel guilty for thinking of staying in this shit marriage and your child being raised in a house full of resentment and aggravation between you both.

You don’t need his permissions, you can rent somewhere by yourself and no he doesn’t get to decide you can’t do that. You have an opportunity now to improve your child’s daily living atmosphere and give him access to a mother who is not constantly ground down by a marriage that isn’t working. take it. Flowers

pointythings · 12/09/2020 16:56

You can't lock him out, so unlatch the door.

Do however start looking for a rental for you and DC straight away. It's clear from your OP that you are the main carer as well as the main earner, so that should be fine in terms of residency. You can hopefully sort out contact eventually, though I doubt things will be amicable for a while.

And just petition for divorce! The courts don't much care about what grounds you have for unreasonable behaviour, but not doing his share of housework, not doing his share of childcare and unhygienic behaviour (leaving shit on the toilet seat is pretty damn gross!) will get you there. You can also add that he doesn't take part in family life - he doesn't, because you don't do anything fun together as a family.

Don't feel guilty. Your DC will be better off without the constant atmosphere and with a happier mum.

larrygrylls · 12/09/2020 17:05

I wonder how many of the ‘just move out with your child’ brigade would be comfortable if the father did the moving out and took his child.

It is a terrible idea! You will end up battling over access and your ex may just not return your child from a visit (sauce for the goose etc).

With no abuse, just do it properly and move out (or he moves out) when you have agreed access arrangements with your soon to be ex.

jeaux90 · 12/09/2020 17:19

He can't make you buy a house together. Tell him you are going to rent something and he should do the same. Tell him you want to co-parent amicably but the relationship is over.

This is your life. Don't waste it being miserable.

I'm a single mum. My life is easy and peaceful.

Original poster
Clothflower · 12/09/2020 19:28

He came home (I unlatched the door!) and I immediately went out with DC to the park. Couldn't stand the sight of him. I've left him to it now to get DC to bed. I'm just going to avoid him for the next few days. He will carry on regardless and I'll try not to get worked up over him as I know it's all pointless. I'm going to try and calm down and make a plan. I need to figure out my head and try to harness my strength. At the least I will start hunting on rightmove to see what's available. I will look up some solicitors. I'm realising that if I don't do this now, it will only get harder as DC gets older (only 2 now).

Thanks again for all the replies, sorry I'm not responding to individual questions and comments - my brain in a scramble. These comments are so helpful for me as I have not many people to talk to IRL.

OP posts:
katy1213 · 12/09/2020 19:54

If you're renting and the tenancy is up, that's (relatively) easy - just find somewhere else and up and go. He's not going to push for 50/50 custody; he might bluster but he's too damn lazy. But definitely see a solicitor.
I do wonder why you chose to have a child with him though? And how he suddenly became this person you can't stand the sight of? Do you really go from planning a family together to total revulsion in just two years?

TorkTorkBam · 12/09/2020 19:59

How long before the tenancy is up?

Original poster
Clothflower · 12/09/2020 21:37

Tenancy is up in 3 months. The agent emailed me a few days ago asking what our plans were. As per usual this didn't result in any sort of meaningful discussion with DH. He has a distinct lack of motivation or interest in "life admin". So my feelings about leaving aside, we don't even have a plan for what we do about the current tenancy...it's typical as unless I push for a discussion it won't happen and I won't get DH raising it.

I feel so sick of it all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Clothflower · 12/09/2020 21:51

He is suitably non plussed about the prospect of me leaving. He is just lying on the sofa. Dirty dishes from dinner everywhere. I stupidly went to get a drink of water and made the mistake of engaging with him. He's not phased or anything by the prospect of me leaving. He's just silent and most he is saying is he should be kinder to me. I told him to stuff it and that I'm actually thinking of leaving him and that this is happening. He is just blank. That's my answer there isn't it. I know I can go ahead with my all out plan to leave and rip the family apart and he will just be sitting there in stunned silence. No point pushing for another answer is there?

OP posts:
Home42 · 12/09/2020 22:03

If you split you won’t feel guilty for the rest of your life. I’ve been there and done that. We are coming up to 2 years post split. DD and I have a lovely house and life. She is really happy. She enjoys visiting Daddy but it’s clear that she and I have far more fun as a happy relaxed duo than we did as a stressy and angry trio.

Sit your husband down, tell him you are separating and that you both need to find individual new rentals.

Anordinarymum · 12/09/2020 22:06

He's leaving shit stains on the toilet seat OP.. really ?? WTF. Why ?

Home42 · 12/09/2020 22:06

And no, no point expecting a better answer. I didn’t get one. I have no idea to this day whether my ex husband really cared that we split. He never really made any effort to keep us together. He just sort of sat there like a big grumpy pudding whilst I organised a divorce, how sale and put the stuff he wanted into storage for him. He finally found a flat and a job but he appears no happier (or less happier) now than when we split. I am happier though!!!

TorkTorkBam · 12/09/2020 22:22

No point engaging, no, but there is also no point in hiding your exit plan as he is not the aggressive type. Might as well tell him tomorrow that you intend to get a new place without him, so he'd better get looking for his own place too, and you will of course make it easy for there to be 50:50 childcare (which he won't want in reality but it is best to offer).

madcatladyforever · 12/09/2020 22:24

Get rid of the twat. Dont waste 20 years like I did - start living now.

madcatladyforever · 12/09/2020 22:25

And yes constant skid marks and piss on the floor did it for me too.

HomeTheatreSystem · 12/09/2020 22:25

The fact your tenancy is up for renewal is a well timed opportunity to get somewhere on your own, without him. I'd tell the agent you will not be renewing but your husband might wish to and to leave them to it.

Rent a place on your own: if nothing else it will give you some breathing space to see if you prefer being single and that the relationship really is dead in the water or whether, in time, relationship counselling might be an option.

JamieLeeCurtains · 12/09/2020 22:41

@Laserbird16

Have you tried couples counseling?

I know you say you want out but you have a child and I would explore all avenues before divorce.

If you're sure you can't be with him then as PP have said you don't need his permission to leave

He shits on the toilet seat and leaves it there.

I honestly think his contempt is palpable.

Don't buy a house with him, @Clothflower

Aquamarine1029 · 12/09/2020 22:46

Your son is at an ideal age for you to end your marriage, and he would be far more damaged being raised in such a toxic miserable home.

Stop making excuses and end it. Find a new apartment to move to in 3 months, immediately find a solicitor, and end this nightmare. Any more of your life wasted with this man is on you.

daisychain01 · 13/09/2020 05:11

Don't expect any sort of struggle from him to try and persuade you to stay, it won't happen and why do you even need his validation anyway.

Expect nothing more from him. Execute your plans to leave without seeking or expecting him to agree. It's over, so provided you are reasonable in how you cooperate and agree to access to your DS, none of the other stuff is important.

It is very timely that you do this before you got into the commitment of buying a house together. You have the upper hand if you have a well-paid job, as you will have the financial stability while he will have to get himself sorted without you as his crutch, he's been far too used to being a lazy man-child.

Plentyofshit · 13/09/2020 06:23

If you are unsure about your decision to split, then don’t make it now. You need space, you can co-parent. Find your own place to live for a year, see how it works - and you can decide over that time what to do. If he ‘steps up’ and becomes a responsible parent you can get back together, if he doesn’t - you’ll be better off without him.

AugieMarch · 13/09/2020 06:31

You are the one who wants to end it so you need to take action. He’s not going to do anything as he’s not the one who wants to break up. You need to tell the real estate agent you will not be renewing your tenancy then find a new home for you and your son. Tell your H this is what is happening and then do it. It’s not up to him to say whether you leave, but he also isn’t going to do it for you. You have to take action.

RandomMess · 13/09/2020 07:47

If you are lead tenant but you are both on it I suggest you tell the estate agent that you and DS are leaving/not renewing and they may wish to contact your STBXH to see if he wishes to take it over.

You do have an issue that as the lead tenant if he doesn't move out you are liable.

Original poster
Clothflower · 13/09/2020 10:34

Agree with you all around this being the perfect time to make the break. I spent last night looking at rentals on Rightmove. I just don't know if I am really brave enough though, it feels like a very scary thing to do. I know my DS would suffer and life will be complicated for a while at least. I feel I would be depriving him of a mother and father together. I know lots of you who have separated/divorced have lived to tell the happy tale but I am still scared. I've probably put up with too much for too long. I need a holiday. We didn't have a holiday last year as I was so busy with work and obviously DH was too useless to organise anything. I wish this bloody virus wasn't happening.

I've been avoiding DH all morning and he's been looking after DS. He takes responsibility enough for DS (I'm probably being generous though), especially since we've both been working from home. Just he's a crappy husband.

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 13/09/2020 10:42

I don't see how this would be terrible for DS. If his dad is a good dad then half the week he will be with dad getting all the attention and half the week with you. Neither household will be stinking of bad atmosphere. You and xDH both get a break when DS is with the other. You and xDH coparent. DS sees DH doing all the day to day stuff of cooking dinner and doing the laundry (because DH will have no alternative when living alone). That's a great outcome for DS!

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