I’ve let my children down and I don’t know how to get over it.

[Letdown16]

I have left my abusive husband to save my children but I can’t protect them anymore. He seems to everyone outside of the door as a nice man but he is a monster.

So now they go and see the man and stay in the house that I fought so hard to get out of.
Who now is looking out for them. I can’t take this and he is laughing at me. What is going to happen to them, they are my whole world and he treating it like a game.

Have you ever called the Police on him? And have you been through Court?

You have not let your DCs down by leaving. You were in an intolerable situation. You have given them the best gift in life. Instead of living with a monster 24/7 and sensing and watching their DM emotionally unavailable, subjugated and abused 24/7..... they now have the opportunity to have at least one fully engaged and attuned parent for 50% of the time. They will now know contrast - warmth, love, kindness, gentleness and respect.

Have you had support to emotionally build you back up?

What are your concerns about their time with him?

You need to speak to someone who can help. Maybe Women's Aid? Pretty sure he can't have access if he's abusive?

It’s shit. And it’s the reality behind all the ‘leave The bastard and call women’s aid’ posts.
This is the debris left behind.
I feel for you op, from the bottom of my heart.

Think of it this way OP, all the time they are with you in their new home, they are away from him. That's respite they never had before you helped them escape. You gave them that. and over time they will realise how much that means to them.

How is it the best gift?
50% of the time they have to be with a total cunt without supervision. It may be a good gift by mumsnet idéal standards but in practice it’s a nightmare. Why don’t we talk about this more

50% poison in a cake will still kill you. I can’t even think about what’s happening when I’m not there. I can’t think about this anymore. I have let them down.

@Therollockingrogue

How is it the best gift? 50% of the time they have to be with a total cunt without supervision. It may be a good gift by mumsnet idéal standards but in practice it’s a nightmare. Why don’t we talk about this more

aye, she might as well have just stayed and carried on being abused. in fact she should just go back to him. ffs

OP have you sought counselling for yourself and your DC? you have left him, that's great, but your job isn't over. they need you to keep helping them.

Can you take this further and get SS courts
Police involvement

Make a statement of what he has done
How is he allowed unsupervised access incomprehensible

Poor you
So so hard I know all about it and the fear of what to do

How old are they?

I knew it was all wrong, I was confused but I never had the confidence to stand up and say No. He begged and begged for children, he said he would change and I knew it was wrong but I ran out of excuses and I couldn’t see a way out. I feel very responsible.

I have had some counselling but it changes nothing, In fact it’s made it all worse because now I understand what was happening and I know he is doing it to them also. No I never reported anything, I didn’t really have anything to report (I did but I couldn’t see clearly).

Look, I know my experience is just that ... My experience. But it might help a little.... My mum left my dad for the same reasons you did, and we were pawns in a game when it came down to it.... But the majority of the time my dad ignored us and we learned techniques and ways to cope. Your children will too. It's not going to be always terrible for them and honestly you need to not react when he tries to get to you.. He can't use the kids to hurt you if it looks like you are not getting hurt.

You haven't let them down, he has. They will see that.

What is he doing to them? Sorry you haven't been the clearest with your post but Im just a bit confused. I'm so sorry that you have had to put up with what you have . I don't understand how he has access to the children if he's abusive.

I asked if you had ever reported him to the police because at least his abuse would be documented.

Are your children old enough to communicate with you about time spent at their dad's? Have you thought about applying for a Court order?

Can you be more specific about the harm you think is being done to your children.

He used them to get to me always. He’d leave them to literally eat off the floor, not dress them, brush hair or teeth. He shouts at them if they dare answer back. If they do something naughty he calls me and tell me to come and get my bloody children he doesn’t want them. He chops and changes days, messes with my work. He makes me come and pick them up and then drags me into arguments in the house in front of them and I just want to leave. He shouts at people out in the street, swears, drinks when they are there. So much really. I’ve been told it’s just different parenting but he just wants an argument all the time about something. If I say to him you shouldn’t drink then it just invites him to cause an argument.

He told me that he gets so angry sometimes he has to get me to come and get them because he can’t control his anger, what is wrong with him. Why ask for them and then do that. He always forgets the youngest ones nappy at night so she wets the bed.

You can refuse him contact until he takes it to court and gets court ordered contact. He can refuse to have them but it limits him controlling you.

You arrange childcare for work even when he is due to have them.

Refuse to collect the DC, he can drop them to you when you can literally slam the door in his face.

How old are the DC?

you need social services OP. this is neglect and abuse of the children. you need professional support to intervene and address his treatment of them.

Keep reporting your concerns to social services tell them about the abuse they endure whilst with him.

What does he threaten to do them when he is angry?

He tells me if I stop him seeing them I had better watch myself. I have read so many stories on here where access is given anyway.

No this is just awful

You will have let them down if you do nothing now

Please do not send them back

Let him take you to court

Then you tell court all of this

Lots of great people on here to advise you
They helped me

I feel for you o really do

Your innocent little kids are suffering due to him 😡😡

I don’t know. He always told me if we had boys he would hit them as that’s what happened to him, his sister was spared. Luckily we have girls. I don’t think he has hurt them physically but he has shouted and scared himself I think.