I’ve let my children down and I don’t know how to get over it.

[Letdown16]

I have left my abusive husband to save my children but I can’t protect them anymore. He seems to everyone outside of the door as a nice man but he is a monster.

So now they go and see the man and stay in the house that I fought so hard to get out of.
Who now is looking out for them. I can’t take this and he is laughing at me. What is going to happen to them, they are my whole world and he treating it like a game.

Hang on I see the position you are in

But supervised access for the protection of the kids

Social worker involvedSS
Courts etc

Poor innocent kids I want to cry for them

No no no

He can only have contact if he takes you to court, you state you don't believe contact is in their best interests, Cafcass will get involved.

Start documenting everything he has ever done.

Court could take over a year! A years respite from them endure his abuse

He is bully just a nasty bully.

Do you have any threats in writing, so to speak? I'm so sorry for you and your babies, I've been in a very similar situation myself and also felt like no one listened to my concerns. Since there is no court order in place, is there anywhere you can go, far away from him?

You are right he is neglectful. Luckily they haven’t really been over lockdown I just know they will go back to him. Even via the court he will get access. It’s the emotional damage that really worries me. I can’t believe he is their father and will always be.

Does court make them change?

@Letdown16

You are right he is neglectful. Luckily they haven’t really been over lockdown I just know they will go back to him. Even via the court he will get access. It’s the emotional damage that really worries me. I can’t believe he is their father and will always be.

Does court make them change?

Not in my experience. DC1's dad, who I mentioned upthread, is currently in prison (unrelated to dc1). Seriously, document EVERYTHING and keep every message. Perhaps contact children's services now to log your concerns and ask for advice. They can be useless but not always.

That's unbearable OP I'm so sorry

How old are the DC? Obviously one is little if she's in nappies but the others? How long until they're old enough to have a say?

Well done for leaving him. It's awful that you and especially your DC can't be free of him forever though. Since when is neglect considered "Different parenting"? That's awful. I'm sorry I don't have any helpful solutions but you sound like a wonderful mum who adores her DC and they WILL remember that.

I had a shit father, my mum didn't divorce him until I was 18 but if she had done it when we were small and we had to see him 50% of the time it still would have been better than living with the pig 100% of the time.

My mum was/is the most loving, caring mother in the world and she made up for him in spades. We all adore her and none of us speak to him. I can't imagine how hard it is to hand them over to him but one day your DC will eventually see him for what he is and so he will eventually be out of your lives for good

I just have this feeling that it’s all just me saying these things and no real evidence. I have a few pics and nasty msgs. He is calling me selfish women trying to ruin his life. He denies absolutely everything. Things that he says one day he’ll deny the next. He is a horrible man, it changes so quick when you leave.

Do you feel up to providing some more details? Posters who are knowledgeable in this area might be able to help depending on what happened.

I often see all the LTB and women's aide can help posts and I know the truth is that they can't always. Especially when it's emotional not physical, or physical but leaves no evidence, when it's he said she said in court.

Im not in the UK and the bar seems set even lower here. Mostly what my DH has done is emotional, he's made me feel worthless, he gaslites and twists things, he's scary when he's angry, he's made me and our eldest boys feel scared. But he's done absolutely nothing that would stop him getting 50/50 care, nothing that's provable and nothing bad enough. Where I am the only abuse that counts for custody is abuse against the child.

People can say all the he's abusive he won't get 50/50 platitudes they want, but the truth is that the bar is set far to low by courts and abusive men often end up with significant amounts of care. The best I can hope for is what a friend said, hopefully he won't be willing to go to court to get 50/50. And if he does get 50/50 hopefully he won't treat the kids the way he's treated me. But that's a lot of hopefully. I know I can't do this much longer.

The truth is sometimes you have no good choices left and all you can do when you can't take it anymore is take that leap and leave. You don't stop fighting, you keep supporting your kids every way you can, get them into counselling, give them a loving safe space and hope till they're old enough to be heard in court and they can say they don't want to see him anymore. I'm not scared for my kids physical safety and that must be so much worse. I'm scared that they will spend their time with him scared to anger him, walking on eggshells, feeling the constant churn of anxiety like I do now. That he will damage their minds, twists things and make them feel guilty. My two eldest boys have SEN and he isn't good at supporting them. DH won't even acknowledge what he's done so no chance of change. But no good options either. I can to some extent walk away, but he will always be my boys father. I feel the guilt of that. Sometimes all you can do is your best and hold on tight and hope.

Sorry was typing and deleting for so long, so not sure that's really relevant now. What about starting with reporting it to child services and see what they say? Contact legal aide and I think it's rights of women in the UK and see what they say regarding your chance of getting supervised access in court. See a private lawyer if you can afford to. And document everything, everytime he demands you get the kids early because he's losing control, every threat, all the past history abuse you can remember. Contact everyone you can think of. Keep fighting. You might just find you can get his access restricted.

OP, if I was you I would withdraw contact. What can he do? Will he pay lots of money to take you to court? Most men wouldn't.

Even if he does, least then your have a structured timetable and more evidence of his bad parenting. Time to step up OP, protect your children.

If it were me, I wouldn’t be sending the children to him again. Allow telephone/FaceTime/WhatsApp calls if he’s interested. If he wants contact with his children he’ll then have to go through the courts, and then Cafcass will get involved, they are there to insure health and well-being of children. Or you could enforce he only has supervised access. Doesn’t have to be SS. Do you trust your children in the care of your in laws and trust them to supervise ex whilst he has children? Given the way you have described him though, I bet he won’t be begging to have the children once he hasn’t had them a few weeks.

Plus if the children don’t want to go, you can’t make them.

Sorry I may have missed some something, but why are you allowing them to go to his house to be abused? Why not just say "No you're having them take me to court?"

I apologise if I've missed something.

"No youre not having them, take me to court"

No court or government agency has told you that he must see them, right? So just text him "You don't care for the children, you neglect them and lose your temper. I suggest you get parenting classes and attend an anger management course. We'll discuss your access once you have addressed this. In the meantime, communication will be via Zoom on X day at x day time."
Until a court forces you to give access, don't.

Well done for getting out and saving yourself, that's the first step. Now find that courage again and save your children.
Document everything, record him discretely if you can when you go to collect the kids. Build a case. Stop access. As pp have said, he's unlikely to take you to court anyway.

You haven't yet been to court? Stop him seeing them now, offer in a contact centre only, and say he is welcome to take you to court.

• some men will bluster a lot but won't follow through
• some contact centres allow voluntary arrangements. If he acts inappropriately, they will notice and document it
• the court process gives you a forum to state your concerns. Document everything
• don't let him chop and change plans. Set a time (if it's ok a contact centre, there'll be no choice). If he misses it, tough. No swapsies
• if contact continues and there is evidence of harm to the dcs, eg school concerns about things they've said, you can go back to court. My dd had contact reduced with her father in this way
• They do get to an age where they vote with their feet. At 12, my dd is choosing to stop contact (not at my instigation, but I am supporting her with the decision).

It's really really hard to sit with your fears. I used to have visions of exH jumping in the river with DD. Your job is to manage those fears, take a very cool look at what evidence you can provide to show contact needs to be limited, and ultimately to be the safe calm place your children need.

How are you today Op?

Listen to Bibliomania's words of wisdom and other posters who have direct experience.

You are going through the toughest time right now but I you have done the bravest thing possible out if the shitty options available.

What are your worries if you refuse to hand them over? Is it physical violence ?

The nasty bully may feel he can abuse a woman and children now but I bet he'd have a harder time if there were a few of us standing with you, tea towels over our shoulders and arms crossed.

You can see a tiny circle of Light right now but until you left you were in darkness. You made that chink. That's where your kids and you live without fear.
Some of us are out long enough to know that the circle of light gets bigger. What can help is knowing how to react to him. Or not react.

I think that if someone on here or via an expert can advise you on how to get your concerns heard by the police then that would be helpful. It comes to something when it's the police who often are the best allies, it's the CPS and Family Courts who are the worst, imo . That's only in UK tho. Or not.

I wish you the best . Happy to stand behind you with my tea towel if it helps.

Sending hugs. I know how you feel in likewise situation.

And the abuse to me continues either via the kids or direct to me or via text.

If you are like me it feels we will never be free.

I have called SS before about him turning up drunk to collect them. They told me it’s a matter for the family court. I’m worried that he will just get 50:50 and I will have achieved nothing. To others he is a nice normal person, holds a job fine, will come across fine if spoken to.
I have been writing down all the incidents but as there is no physical harm (yet) I don’t think its enough. I shouldn’t have had children with him. He drank and smoked weed before having them, I feel partly responsible. I always thought he would change and he wouldn’t possibly do it to his children but he does.

I’m not sure where I stand on the moral high ground because he always told me you met me like this so what’s the problem now. Then it was just me who was stuck with his abuse but it’s different now. If I had known I was stuck in a cycle trying to please him I would never have had kids. If feels like everywhere I go for help I get the same response....you chose him to father your children, even friends say the same.

You're doing the best you can. Document everything and let him take you to court for access. Argue for supervised access.

Look for support for the children from domestic abuse services and charities, maybe try children's charities such as Action for Children. Counselling and help with strategies for dealing with their father.

Don't talk to him on the phone keep all contact in writing, texts and emails. He calls let him leave a voicemail and save it, then text back, what do you want? Let him text all the nasty comments about you and the kids. Keep all your messages.
Make him take you to court for access once you have some proof of his abuse. Refuse to chop and change days of pick up. Make him work for it. You need to be brutal

I haven’t even begun to think about the divorce. He said he will quit his job and sleep in the streets to avoid me getting anything.

How does it start so well and end so badly.

Encourage him to keep calling you to get them whenever he feels inclined.

The other advice seems more important in the long run but give him an easy out to give them up, rather then lost his temper, for now.