I’ve let my children down and I don’t know how to get over it.

[Letdown16]

I have left my abusive husband to save my children but I can’t protect them anymore. He seems to everyone outside of the door as a nice man but he is a monster.

So now they go and see the man and stay in the house that I fought so hard to get out of.
Who now is looking out for them. I can’t take this and he is laughing at me. What is going to happen to them, they are my whole world and he treating it like a game.

Well if he ends up on the streets he won't see the dc will he? My exh was a controlling manipulative man. We shared custody - when the dc were 12 +14 they went nc with him. You need to seek legal advice on Monday. Stop contact. Keep a diary. Keep any abusive messages /threats.
Take a deep breath and get fighting op.

Mine are still so young, early school ages. So much emotional damage can be done to them. He refuses to have them on weekends as he works so wants them in the week. I don’t want them disrupted like this anymore. They aren’t fed properly or dressed properly for school. I don’t think he should have contact at all let alone school days.

There are so many of us in the same boat, sadly OP. The family court was hijacked by Fathers 4 Justice and other "men's rights" groups from the 90s onwards who brainwashed the already patriarchal courts with mantras like "contact with both parents is in the best interests of the child" which of course ignores the fact that 70% of cases that reach the family courts involve domestic abuse, domestic abuse harms children, and those who abuse women are significantly more likely to abuse children in their own right.

Apologies for the history lecture - I just wanted you to know there is a backlash going on, lots of mothers in the same boat and a campaign to change things. Twitter has lots of campaigners - Mothers Unite and others that you might want to get in contact with.

@RuffleCrow I will have a look.

What is the point of all the government campaigns with all the dark shadowy advertisements saying we are here to support you , you must leave...but it’s absolutely fine for the children to go back. None of this makes sense. Who do they think is listening to the arguments, the children, my husband didn’t stop because they were in the room. He didn’t stop drinking because I was at work and he was in sole care. If he didn’t care then then why would he care now.

Taking it to court and getting cafcass involved means that you know you did everything you could for the DC.

Have you raised your concerns with the school? Please speak to them - they are independent evidence of him taking them to school in adequate clothing etc.

If you have any specific reasons why you think he's driven/collected the DC drunk or under the influence of weed you report to the police and SS every time. After all driving under the influence is illegal!! Regular drinking isn't ok and SS can't ignore you reporting him for continual low level neglect.

So what if he quits work the house can still be sold and if he doesn't have anywhere to take the DC he can't have them overnight.

These are all threats to frighten you into letting him do as he pleases and it works doesn't it?

If he gets fixed contact via courts it won't be worse than it is now.

Don't you think during the week is better as it could just be tea and TV rather than them dreading the weekend and being a bit over excited because it's the weekend?

And wouldn't he drink more then?

No during the week is not better because he messes up there schooling and it’s really important they have consistency in the week. He works weekends so he drinks in the week, he drinks always.

Which is why you need to speak to the school...

Surely they have noticed the DC arriving not properly dressed, if they suspect a parent is picking up under the influence they can report...

But surely they'll have more actual time with him at the weekend?

And yes, as PP said, if he's drinking there will be independent witnesses to this?

He works at the weekend so he would either see them after work then or after school in the week. But neither is acceptable and like the other poster said court ordered contact would not be a worse position then I’m already in. So I think I need to stop then going.

It’s horrible it’s come to this.

Please speak to the school, be honest about his drink and drug habits and your concerns over the DC care. The phoning you saying he is angry with the DC etc.

The school can put in emotional support for the DC, hopefully they will have a home school link worker.

Refuse any further contact immediately and call both the police and social services. You dont do what he says. You need to be strong. I did it. You can do it.

Refuse any further contact immediately and call both the police and social services. You dont do what he says. You need to be strong. I did it. You can do it

Agree.

You have taken the first and hardest step by leaving. You can take another by refusing contact.

Let him take you to court. Someone this addicted and chaotic most likely won’t get his act together to get to court.

He doesn’t actually want the DCs if he is regularly calling you to pick them up. He only has them to punish you.

Also as other PPs have said log everything he has done to date.

Are the witnesses to him shouting drunk in the street accessible?

Also collect all of the threatening texts / VM etc. that you have and that will come when you refuse access. Bring these to the police.

Then block his number and tell him you will only respond to emails once a week

Inform the DCs GP and the school.

Get this all out in the open with every agency.

What friends and family can you get to emotionally support you.

Get a solicitor and start the divorce.

As he is threatening you - you need advice from the police on how to protect yourself.

OP you need to start documenting all this. Everything you can remember and add appropriate evidence which include, phone messages, emails, texts and witnesses. Download the Brightsky app and start journaling everything he's done including attempting to drink drive the children - I assume you refused to let him take them while drunk.

Dial 101 and tell the police what's going on. You need to start thinking - evidence evidence evidence - call everyone you can think of: Domestic Abuse services, Social Services, the police, the school and you need legal advice. Save all messages from him, I wouldn't block him if he's going to send abusive texts as you can show the police.

You need to report the threats pronto, that's why you need to contact the police. Get in contact with FLOWS who can give free legal advice and put you in contact with a solicitor.

Stop all contact between him and the children and send him a message:

I am tired of you neglecting my children and abusing me. From today I am ceasing all child contact. If you continue to harass and threaten me, I will contact the police. Please do not come to my home anymore, you are not welcome etc etc

Make it clear that you are stopping all child contact and that if he threatens you or comes to your home and causes a scene, you will contact the police. Do exactly that. If he turns up, phone 999. Keep calling 999. Keep contacting the police. Keep making reports. Keep documenting evidence.

Contact your local DV service for advice and support. Do a search like: 'DV help Kent' or wherever you live, take a look at your council website for details as they are usually detailed there.

Be strong OP. You have to protect your children from him.