Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Do you risk it?

15 replies

Pollypocket89 · 11/09/2020 21:35

Posting over a glass of socially distanced wine with a friend...

We're talking about her situation... she's got feelings for a man she knows. For various reasons it may not work out or be straight forward. If you knew that but would always wonder what if, would you tell him how you feel?

OP posts:

brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 11/09/2020 21:50

yes, or you never know and that’s worse

Tiffbiff · 11/09/2020 21:53

Every part of me wants to say life’s too bloody short! But what are the various factors? Is he a friends ex? Someone she works with? A married man?

Original poster

Pollypocket89 · 11/09/2020 22:00

Unhappily married. She'd never do anything while he's married but it's been years of unspoken something and she's about to never have to see him again. I'm torn between life's too short as you say, and not being impressed if that was my dh it was said to

OP posts:

Tiffbiff · 11/09/2020 22:03

Personally I’m with you. Where he might not be happy- his wife might be completely blindsided and have no idea he feels that way. If he wants to leave a relationship it should be because he’s unhappy not because there’s a better offer. You’ll either always wonder if he only left her because he didn’t want to be alone or if he actually liked her... so you’ll always be wondering something...

Msonamission · 12/09/2020 13:34

@Pollypocket89

It is inappropriate for a single woman to declare feelings for a married man. It's probably just infatuation based on an fantasy anyway.

AnnaFour · 12/09/2020 13:46

In this case I would say to leave it. It’s been years which is plenty of time for him to have done something about his unhappy marriage. It’s unlikely any declarations now would make a difference plus does she really want to go there with someone who is married?

M0mmzee · 12/09/2020 13:49

Absolutely out of line to tell a married man you have feelings for him. Who’s saying he’s unhappily married anyway fgs? If it’s him that may not be true and you’d be naive to believe it.

Msonamission · 12/09/2020 14:03

Yeah. We were the happiest pair on earth - always laughing and fooling around... together that is. Apparently when he is in the presence of someone some 15 years younger, I mutate into sort of witch.

FunorFitness · 12/09/2020 14:37

If he is that unhappy he would have left his marriage.

She should leave it alone.

Thisismytimetoshine · 12/09/2020 14:40

How does she know he's unhappily married? He's still there, isn't he?

SoulofanAggron · 12/09/2020 14:45

She definitely shouldn't do anything while he's married. It's just plain wrong. If he's that unhappily maaried he will leave his wife.

If he's into your friend after that, distance won't matter. They could have a long distance relationship until they can arrange to be together.

RubyTheRockingHorse · 12/09/2020 14:49

Oh no, I would never risk it with a married man, no matter how unhappy he claimed to be! Let him sort it out with his wife; divorce or whatever. Then see if he approaches you. I wouldn't even go out with a recently divorced or separated man personally, as I always think I'd be the rebound.

A couple I knew did this. Straight into serious relationship immediately after the woman left her partner and the man left his wife. They mooned around for bloody months, going on about how they were "just so in love and you can't fight a love like that" as justification for how quickly they'd moved in with each other. Of course it all went sour when reality hit. Tbh, I think they were each other's reason for leaving their previous relationships, but at that time it was all fantasy. Reality wasn't like the fantasy at all and it was an ugly break up. They worked together and one of them ended up having to leave their job after the break up.

SoulofanAggron · 12/09/2020 14:57

It's not even a matter of risk, but of doing the right thing. His wife is a person with feelings that your friend should consider, and imagine how she would feel in her situation if she were cheated on.

Suzi888 · 12/09/2020 15:12

Well let’s face it, it won’t be straight forward at all will it!
I think I’d leave it, it sounds unbelievably messy.

Are they friends? If so, chances are he knows how she feels anyway.... especially as the unspoken something has done on for YEARS?!

Or she could write him a letter, saying how she feels but that nothing can happen whilst he’s married, should he ever find himself single, look her up.

Dontbeme · 12/09/2020 15:30

"not straight forward" is the oddest way I have ever read anyone refer to a wife, marriage and two lives entangled over a period of years.

Being honest he is not unhappy really is he, he is just lazy and wants an easy life. Easier to claim "unhappy" to a willing unmarried woman who has shown eagerness than being a person of character and dealing with ending a marriage in as kind a manner as possible, becoming single and then dating whoever, probably less fun than sneaking around too and less likelihood of the wife being in the background dealing with family life and being on the back burner, just in case the side piece doesn't pan out.

Flip