Is this breaking 'girl code?'

[ratsrule]

Namechanged just in case.

This is actually nothing much to do with me but was interested to know others' opinions. One of my best friends (friend A) is really pissed off with one of our other friends (friend B - who is closer to me but we've all hung out together many times over the years). The reason being that friend B recently went on a date with A's ex, who she was in a relationship with for over a decade.

Friend A is 'fuming,' acknowledges that they weren't super close but that they were friends nonetheless and that B offered support after the breakup. Friend B doesn't know that A is aware of this date, I don't know how she came to be aware and it hasn't been mentioned to me yet by B but I see her often so am expecting it to.

Would you be upset in friend A's position? I'm not sure what to really say to either of them.

“I think the nature of the break up is key - if he dumped her and she was/is devastated and pining for him then B definitely shouldn't have gone there. If A dumped him, so she chose not to be with him any more, and it was three years ago, I can't see why she's upset really.”

This. A dumped this guy 3 years ago. I can see why she might feel a bit odd about it but given she chose to end the relationship and given how much time has passed, i don’t think B has done anything wrong. A doesn’t own this guy. And he and B may work really well together.

@GrandTheftWalrus

Yeah she's not your friend, she's a bitch who was just waiting for you to split with your husband. Sorry they did that to you.

OP, your friend B is also a bitch, and a fairly stupid one at that. Why would anyone want a guy that has 1) been with a friend of theirs for a long relationship and 2) was nasty to said friend? She must be highly desperate or just very inconsiderate. The fact she didn't even ask friend A says the truth really, she's inconsiderate and stupid, she knows she's done wrong, but she doesn't care.

Not much of a friend and I'd be telling her that.

Going against the grain but...

The break up was THREE years ago

Friend A broke up with him. They are both free to date whoever they like. I’d feel differently if it was a recent break up and B had gone straight for him as soon as the relationship had ended but...come on? Does A really think she can police who her ex of three whole years ago can have relationships with? I think A is BU as a hell of a lot of time has passed.

Name change I agree with you. I think some posters feel that if you had a relationship they are off limits for life.

If a woman came on here and said I split with my ex three years ago. He dumped me. It was a terrible time. However I have recently bumped into one of his friends, not a close friend, but a friend none the less. I like the guy and he asked me out. Now my ex is doing his nut and saying we can’t see each other, and falling out with the friend, what will I do”

Folks would say, do as you please, he’s totally controlling, he’s no right to dictate who you go out with three years later, especially when he ended it.

I don't give a shit about girl code.

People treating other people like property is disgusting. Whether male or female. And even more disgusting after the relationship has already ended. It's a free country, for fuck's sake!

They broke up. They can rightfully shag whoever they want (within the law)

Friend A doesn't have to like it. She doesn't have to stay friends with friend B (you can stop being friend with someone whenever you want, for whatever reason you want), but in any case, for her own sake, she should move on.
Life's too short to be making enemies over petty reasons.

She can stay angry all she wants, meanwhile her ex and friend B are getting on with their lives, and making the most of it. Who wins? Who benefits from her misplaced jealousy? Absolutely no-one, and certainly not her.
She should grow up, wish them well, and just look after herself and her future, not cling to the past.

@Bluntness100 - totally agree. The example you described is exactly the thought I had.

I wouldn’t be upset about a friend choosing to date an ex but it might make certain dynamics awkward.

Some of my ex’s I would never want to hang out with socially or have round my house so if they became the permanent plus one of a close friend I’m not sure how I would navigate that. I guess I would try and take it as a fresh start for the sake of my friend but it would be about setting boundaries we were all comfortable with. Nothing to do with viewing an ex as ‘mine’ or ‘girl code’

I think it is poor behaviour on B's part, not because of 'ownership', but because of the effect it can have on the person hearing it out of the blue. This was a 10 year relationship, it was a big part of A's life.

I was once really into a guy, then he dumped me. My friend asked me if I was ok with her dating him before she accepted a date - I really was, I was totally over it by then. But it would have felt a bit off if I'd not known about it beforehand.

B could easily have raised it with A, in a 'just so you know' sort of way. As I said, it isn't about possession, it's about good manners and consideration.

OP, I would stay out of it, but if asked I would be clear that B could have behaved better.