Is this breaking 'girl code?'

[ratsrule]

Namechanged just in case.

This is actually nothing much to do with me but was interested to know others' opinions. One of my best friends (friend A) is really pissed off with one of our other friends (friend B - who is closer to me but we've all hung out together many times over the years). The reason being that friend B recently went on a date with A's ex, who she was in a relationship with for over a decade.

Friend A is 'fuming,' acknowledges that they weren't super close but that they were friends nonetheless and that B offered support after the breakup. Friend B doesn't know that A is aware of this date, I don't know how she came to be aware and it hasn't been mentioned to me yet by B but I see her often so am expecting it to.

Would you be upset in friend A's position? I'm not sure what to really say to either of them.

Ah I see, what did she say when you said that? I guess she had already made her mind up anyway! I wonder if they had both had their eye on each other for a while.

Tbf this would all make me a bit cautious about friend B, id just be thinking is she going to screw me over too one day!

I can see how this would have the potential to cause a lot of upset, if it progresses to something serious then you might be around them as a couple and Friend A might hear more about his (or their) life that she doesn't want to hear about or they may be invited to the same events/parties that friend A is going to!

Also I bet he’s telling her that all that went wrong with friend A was her fault and it was all really hard for him etc etc and making B feel sorry for him

Wow yes I’d be really annoyed too!

I'm pretty confident there was no attraction, they're in completely different social circles nowadays as well as not always being particularly pleasant about each other in the past. I could be wrong, of course!

I can't remember exactly what she said, I think we moved on quite quickly.

After three or more years no I don’t think it is. If it was recent yes.

Friend a needs to let go. It’s over. Has been for a long time. She needs to accept it.

Something like this happened to me. My. husband and I split up for a year after a difficult time. Someone I thought of a friend secretly dated him for three months. Obviously he was complicit in keeping it a secret to. We had an agreement that he would tell me if/when he started seeing anyone (and vice versa) but he claimed a technicality that it wasn't serious so he didn't have to tell me. I guessed one day - I'm still not sure how.

Their defence was that she said she wasn't really friends with me. We'd been for meals at each other's homes, she had sent me birthday cards, have me all her daughter's baby clothes and I had been her test subject for an alternate therapy where I had talked a lot about my relationship with my husband. We'd also been on a group holiday arranged by mutual friends.

Husband and I ended up getting back together.
I've never spoken to her since or the much closer mutual friend who was involved in facilitating them meeting up.

Husband has always felt he did nothing wrong. I guess it's subjective. It felt like a very intense betrayal from multiple sides at the time.

Op. Is a still single and did he end it with her?

Husband and I ended up getting back together

You forgave him but not her?

Friend B is dating someone she knows treated his previous partner badly. Well, good luck to her!
It is a massive grey area it would carry into doubt whether she's fancied him before and whether her support for friend A was genuine at the time. It might have been, but, it's weird.
Given the time frames involved, if I was friend A I would probably feel ok about it if friend B had had the courtesy to give me the heads up and put the date into context to remove all the questions this naturally throws up. She didn't, so she has made it all awkward.
In your position op I'd lose respect for friend B, she's hasn't handled it well.

It doesn’t break the girl code.

It smashes it with a sledgehammer and then jumps around on the resultant fragments.

I just don't think technicalities apply in personal relationships

I agree. It's hurtful and has essentially ended the friendship between A and B. There's a complete disregard for the friend's feelings. The man should also not be going there with his ex's friends. Let's not ignore his blatant shitting on his ex's doorstep!

The fact that the friend supported her through some awful treatment from this man means she's a fool to entertain him anyway. Abusers rarely change.

I think some people are going a bit far, the op didn’t say he was an abuser for goodness sake.

@Bluntness100 she is single and she ended their relationship for various reasons.

In all honesty, I think B is fed up of being single so is going for men she wouldn't usually. Again, I could be wrong but that's my instinct.

I know it’s a different situation to the OP’s but what if, hypothetically, A finished with her ex to date someone else and had treated him badly - if B is single and thinks A threw a great guy away and feels an attraction after 3 years, should she really not go there because of an unwritten code? Surely if A, in this scenario, had not wanted them to date he could have stayed with him instead? Why should she get to dictate who he does or doesn’t date after she dumped him?

@ratsrule I think that comment from bluntness was at me. I might be wrong. Sorry wasn't meaning to hijack.

She wasn't looking for forgiveness. She blocked me on all social media the second I found out. And no I haven't.

I'd be pretty annoyed with friend B.
My ex ended up with one of my best friends after I left him. I heard him in the background when I was on the phone to her and she tried to talk over him 😂 I was so pissed off at the time. Really felt like she had crossed a line.
They ended up having two kids together and she blocked me on social media 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yes that's a good point tossa that scenario would put a different spin on it.

I think B is fed up being single so is going for men she wouldn't usually Christ that makes it even worse in a way. It's not even a case of star struck lovers risking hurting others by getting together

I would be angry

Friend A doesn’t get to dictate who ex or Friend B dates.

If B had dated ex relatively quickly after the break-up, then far enough and I could see why A would be upset. But three years down the line, Then everyone is a free agent.

That's definitely bad.

Friend A doesn’t get to dictate who ex or Friend B dates.

No, she doesn't get to dictate, but B should've considered her feelings.

When I was in my mid teens I was in love with a boy. (He was a wanker BTW.) Years later, a friend told me that he had asked her out at the time, but she didn't go out with him because she knew I would've been gutted. I think she might've told him why she wouldn't.

I'm so glad she didn't.

Ok Bluntness perhaps "abuser" was the wrong label but would you date a man who you knew treated your friend "very badly"? I wouldn't!