Is this breaking 'girl code?'

[ratsrule]

Namechanged just in case.

This is actually nothing much to do with me but was interested to know others' opinions. One of my best friends (friend A) is really pissed off with one of our other friends (friend B - who is closer to me but we've all hung out together many times over the years). The reason being that friend B recently went on a date with A's ex, who she was in a relationship with for over a decade.

Friend A is 'fuming,' acknowledges that they weren't super close but that they were friends nonetheless and that B offered support after the breakup. Friend B doesn't know that A is aware of this date, I don't know how she came to be aware and it hasn't been mentioned to me yet by B but I see her often so am expecting it to.

Would you be upset in friend A's position? I'm not sure what to really say to either of them.

I think that friend a has been separated for 3 years. It's something that might hurt buy she doesnt own her ex not can she have any say in who her friends go out with. Maybe friend b and ex are really in love and better suited.

Happened to me but it was my best friends younger sister and we had two kids together. Caused all sort of aggro at first but now they are married with a child and we all get on ok now years down the line.

Meh. I'd be worried for anyone who dated my ex tbh

I split up with my DC1's dad over 10 years ago but if anyone who I considered a friend (back while I was with him and still now) started dating him, I'd be gutted but that's because he was actually was abusive.

If I considered someone a friend and they started dating him without knowing about that aspect of the relationship, I would be surprised but my first thought would be 'good luck with that.'

Meh, I wouldn't personally go there. Particularly if I knew he was a bit of a dick that had treated a mate badly. I also loathe drama so would all round not be into that scenario. Whether it's breaking the girl code is a bit of a grey area though - l think you've got to factor in how serious the relationship was, how long they've been split and how close a friend they are as to whether toes have been stepped on.

I also don't think I'd be that upset about a mate dating an ex, unless it was incredibly recent, or there was some kind of unfinished business between us. It'd be a bit weird, but I'm not possesive over ex's. Once I'm done with them it's none of my business what (or who) they choose to do. I'm normally just glad to be free of them.

I therefore think A is unreasonable to be feel anything about who her ex is dating 3 years after she binned him. B is unreasonable to date a guy that she knows is a shitty boyfriend. and YABU to be tolerating any of this drama and not telling your friends to both give their head a wobble.

@curiouslypacific haha that's all fair, I'm not possessive over exes either, I just feel that a friend knowing about a past abusive relationship and dating the arsehole anyway would make me feel like they weren't much of a friend.

There's no drama as far as I'm concerned but I was a bit torn really and always interested to hear other people's views.

I think the nature of the break up is key - if he dumped her and she was/is devastated and pining for him then B definitely shouldn't have gone there. If A dumped him, so she chose not to be with him any more, and it was three years ago, I can't see why she's upset really. But it hasn't happened to me - maybe I would be fuming too in her position!

Ah I just don't think it's right OP .10 years is a significant ificant relationship she has every right to be upset. Who here would actually go and do this to a friend, really . I would let A talk about it if she needs, remind her he was a twat and this goes some way to evidencing that tbh but point out she can't do much about it and would be better off not focusing on it at all.

I don't think it's 'slating' to point out to friend B that most people wouldn't be happy or that I wouldn't personally ever do it but if she wants to that's her business and it's none of mine, so long as she's sure it's worth the angst and so long as she's happy he has changed into someone worth having. If that isn't your opinion though OP then fair enough but I don't think it's reasonable to expect others to be on board just because you think you would be if it were you. Friend A clearly isn't and it's obviously caused hurt for her based on her own feelings, which are very legitimate.

@dontgobaconmyheart I haven't stated whose 'side' I'm on because I'm not, really. I think I've said I wouldn't be happy in A's situation and that's because of the seriousness and length of the relationship, I think. It's never happened to me, hopefully it never will!

It's tacky & incredibly thoughtless.

B needs to have a bit more sense & not trash good female relationships by craping on friends with their shitty exes.

Ick.

No clue about girl code, but under guy code:

• They must have been broken up at least one month and permission must be asked (with a real chance of not being given).

• Once they have been broken up for the same length of time as the relationship lasted permission is not necessary.

Friend B is a twat. Can’t she get a man that’s not a mates ex? Sloppy seconds.

If I was A and I'd confided in B about how he'd treated me and it was alot of negative behaviour I'd feel she invalidated that by going on to date him. As if he can't be that bad if my friends willing to dare him. Id know if they spoke about me together they'd be saying how it was all my fault. I think it would be different if it was a relationship that fizzled out or one where they were just weren't suited long term. But to have a friend go on to date an Ex that had treated me badly that would hurt. I think it's a grey area with many factors, but if I was A in this situation I'd be hurt.

Very much broken the girl code - Id lose respect for friend B.

Why did friend b not tell friend a about said date, IMO I usually think people hide things from those they care about because they know they are doing wrong.
When I'm involved in situations like this I always try to think what would I have done, how would I have felt, what would my expectations of that scenario have been. If i think i would feel upset, let down, betrayed if someone did that to me, well I wouldnt go ahead and then do it to someone else.
If friend a had done the same to friend b how do you think she wouldve reacted. In all honesty, I know I wouldve been deeply hurt if my friend dated my ex (ten years is a long time) and while some would say it's all relative to circumstance, how was their split, who split with who and why, how close was their friendship and how long since they split etc I do also think some things can be perceived as black or white, right or wrong, especially when the heart is involved. They are either appropriate or not. If I was friend a i would struggle to trust friend b again, maybe it wouldve been different if she had approached me and discussed it before hand, maybe not. But in this instance I wouldnt really class her as an enemy, rather just not a friend anymore.
In an ideal world it would be best for you not to get involved but I have a feeling that in this scenario it may reach a point where you have to jump off of the fence and pick camps. In which case I would weigh up all of the above points before doing so.

Friend B has pulled a wrongen and be careful having girls like that as friends because one day your talking about what they have done and the next it’s being done to you. Support friend A and if friend B tells you about it (the fact she hasn’t even thought your ‘so close’ shows she’s abit sly or knows she is doing wrong) then say you’ve put me in an awkward
Position to be honest. Like there’s literally thousands of men she could have dated but she had to date a friends partner of ten years? Come on!

What the hell is friend B thinking? You can't offer support and date the ex...

No way is this ok

Friend b is being unreasonable.
I would never date my friends ex even if they had only dated a year let alone a decade because at the end of the day no matter what there are always still feelings of somewhat when you've been with someone that long

If she was a proper friend she'd have asked A how she would feel about her seeing the man. Regardless of whether it's "allowed" or not you put the friend first.

Friend B has shown very clearly that she doesn't care about the feelings of friend A. If I was A, I would never speak to B again. B is pretty horrible imo.

I actuality have a different view. All ex's are off limits, irrespective of how long they dated, or how recently/long ago they broke up. There are so many men in the world, can't you find one, other than one if your friends exes?
The friendship would just die for me, because of lack of trust.

she is single and she ended their relationship for various reasons

Playing devil's advocate, friend A didn't want him and it's been 3 years since she dumped him.

An ex- colleague has been happily married for 20 odd years. They met as partners of mutual friends and went out a lot as part of a big group in their 20s. It became apparent that they were made for each other so each split with their partners and got together.

What do you do if you meet your soul mate but they're dating someone you know.

They were straight about it though and didn't keep it a secret.

I'd be cautious of B after this. It is breaking girl code and you might find she's not as trustworthy as you think

This all seems so harsh attitudes from times of old. My friend also went out with her close friends ex. It causes huge upset but also caused my friend torment and she lost alot of her friends because of black and white thinking like this. The ex seemed to revel in turning everyone against her. Thankfully not all of her friends lived in the dark ages but it caused huge drama and hurt for the ex, the man and my friend.
They have been together for nearly ten years and are made for each other. The ex and the man had also been broken up for 3 years, the ex was living with someone else she just didnf want the man to be happy and had such bitterness she wouldnt work through. Its causes damage to her kids who resent their mums bitterness because it's still so strong 10 years later. People fall in love. People dont own others and cant control others. My friend did not get off with any other of her friends partners - this was high school. Be kind and realise that not everything is rule bound , code bound nor black and white. Being so judgemental of someone else decisions and life can also come back on you.