Has your relationship survived an affair??

[Mariamariasantana]

Found out DH has been having an affair for 8 months with a younger, much prettier girl at his workplace. I feel crushed.. But we've only been married 18 months and not sure I want to give up on my marriage yet.. I don't know how I will ever forgive him though. Interested in hearing if anyones marriage has survived an affair and what steps you took to get trust back.

I could understand you considering staying with him and working at the marriage if you had been married for years or together for years. 18mths Married and he started an affair within a year..... sorry but think I would cut my losses and move on

I don't think an 8 month affair after just 18 months of marriage is something I could move past. In fact I know it isn't.

I'm sorry op, but I would be getting rid of this twat. You've only been married 18 months and he's been having an affair for EIGHT of them, and I doubt this is the first time he's cheated.

Do yourself the biggest favour of your life and divorce him. You will have nothing but years of heartache if you don't.

If you're dependent on him. Play a long game save save plan and divorce. Don't think after only being married 18 months it's worth it?
He'll only think he can get away with more down the line and respect you even less if you except it. Life's short cut your loses.

Personally no, my marriage would not survive an affair.. we've been together 22 years married for 14 and it would be a complete deal breaker for me.
If I'd been married for only 18 months as you have, nope certainly not and I can't understand why you'd even contemplate it. You deserve so much better than this, divorce the twat!

Just 10 months into your marriage he decided this girl meant more to him than your marriage and you. I doubt it’s the first time he’s cheated or the last. Eight MONTHS! That’s not a mistake, that’s having another relationship! It’s not something I could ever forgive.

He is the one who has broken your marriage vows.

I asked him if he loves her and he hesitated before he answered.. Then he said its me he loves.. And wants our marriage to work, he said he'll request for this girl to be transferred, I think she's his EA.. I just feel so crushed. I don't consider myself to be unattractive, I'm slim, I work out.. I don't know if its because I'm older and we've been through all manner of hoops to try and conceive and we gave up a year ago..i know he wanted so badly to be a dad. I just don't think I have it in me to forgive him but I feel like a failure.

I feel like a failure.

You're not the failure. He's beyond a failure, he's a sabateur.

he had an affair 10 months into this marriage. Honestly he isn't committed to the relationship. He cheats and lies. You aren't the failure here. He is.

YOU are not the failure here! You have clearly given everything to this relationship and he has totally disrespected you and the marriage.
I’m sorry about the fertility problems. Though that in no way is an excuse for him.

I've been with DH for nearly 5 years, married nearly a year. I always said I'd never forgive any kind of cheating, after getting married my feelings changed slightly to think that if it ever happened, I'd probs give another chance for a one time thing. One 'mistake', a one night stand, heat of the moment fuck up I think I would try to move past. But I honestly know I could never forgive or even try to move past an affair. Human beings make mistakes, we are not perfect, but I think to betray and deceive someone over 8 months is fucking unforgivable. He went to sleep next to you, woke up next to you, everyday knowing he's having a relationship with someone else. You deserve so much more OP.

Well. Kinda. My husband had a affair 3 years ago, when we'd been married about 10 years. I stayed, although I think now a lot of that was a kneejerk panic reaction; also, we have kids. But I'll be honest, I think about it pretty much every day. We went through marriage counselling, which helped at the time, but he ended up giving up on everything he promised he'd do over time. He's now just told me, partly, about the terrible financial situation he's in that he has refused to discuss at all, i.e. another life-changing horror that he kept a complete secret, and I'm planning to tell him I want to separate. Even 3 years on, the affair is a part of it - it is a very, very difficult thing to get over, it turns out.

But people do.

I know a lot of people aren't keen on her, but Esther Perel's TED talk about affairs was what gave me a framework to stay at the time, if it helps you. Huge hugs, I feel your pain, he's done an awful thing. I would think hard about it, from someone further down the line - staying is not the easy option.

@Seaside1234 this is what worries me, my inability to forget about it. I'll always be wondering where he is, what he's doing, who he's speaking to. He's offered to give me all his passwords and pins etc but I don't think I can live like this :( I'm just so gutted this has happened after getting married.. It would be so much easier to walk about it we hadn't got married or bought a house together.. We've been together 7 years and I don't even know how many other women there could be.. He's promised me if was just her and that he was so upset with the prospect of us never having children this girl caught him on an off day from work and it just progressed from there. She knows he has a wife as well as we attended his Christmas work party together last year and she was there. I just feel so humiliated. He's been constantly texting and calling the past few weeks, scared to death I will leave him.. I just don't know what to do.. If we divorced I'd either have to buy him out this house or we sell, we moved here to be closer to my family so I wouldn't want him to stay in this house. I just don't know what to do.

A one off is possibly forgivable but not an actual affair and for 8 months. He has betrayed you in the most awful way and he hesitated when you asked if he loved her. Honestly. Sort everything out for yourself financially and then get a divorce. I wouldn't be surprised if he either was still seeing her or went bk there.

So sorry to hear that you're going through this OP. At the end of the day only you know if this is something you'll be able to get past.

I know it's not what you asked, but if you haven't heard of it already I suggest looking up the Female Dating Strategy. Obviously you're not dating right now but the FDS gives a lot of context about what we accept as women and how we've been taught to believe we deserve to be treated. IMO it's a resource worth looking into if something happens in your relationship which makes you question your partner/his treatment of you

I forgave, but it was a one night stand after 18 years together and two small children. He confessed (sort of).

We had marriage counseling which helped a bit and he is a model partner, if anything about too nice.

The first two years were hell, I had a break down and contemated suicide. Next 2 or 3 were up and down. The anniversary is soon, 14th September, 6 years on I still think about it most days, it no longer hurts but I still feel let down and disappointed. I don't love him in quite the same way and will never allow myself to have total trust again. Thats very sad I think😟

In your position, an 8 month affair only 10 months into the marriage, I would head for the hills🏃

Move on with your life, 18 months in, that should not have occurred. You will never ever trust him.

He had a choice, what to do in the first place and whether to keep doing it. No excuses to be made. I can't answer for you but I'm so sorry you're in this position. I never felt worse in my life, and thinking about the very early days of finding out makes me feel sick. Do you have anyone around you IRL? You need plenty of support whatever you decide xxx

She didn't 'catch him'. He is the only one who cheated on you. It's his doing, not hers.

Your relationship could survive, but he will cheat on you again and again.

18 months in and he's doing the age-old spoony dance of shagging someone at work. He's not even original in picking a side chick. He's never been faithful to you, OP, and never will be, you just happened to find out early on. Ditch.

@op I agree with the others. You don't ever "forget". I tried to forgive my stbexh, we worked on the relationship for two years after I found out he'd be cheating (also v much an EA), and it didn't work. We parted company.

It takes a huge amount of strength, resilience and work to even try and get things back to normal-ish, and I'm not sure if he deserves that (the effort that you'd have to put in I'm referring to), having strayed so soon into your married life...

"We've been together 7 years and I don't even know how many other women there could be.. He's promised me if was just her and that he was so upset with the prospect of us never having children this girl caught him on an off day from work and it just progressed from there."

He was so upset at the prospect of never having children that he slept with another woman? And kept sleeping with her for 8 months afterwards? A drunken one night stand maybe but this was so much more. Presumably it's also been a very painful realisation for you, too, and I'm very sorry you've been through that. Did you sleep with someone else as a result?

That said, I desperately wanted children and would have found it very difficult to remain in a relationship where that was simply not on the cards no matter how much I loved my partner. Have you considered other means of becoming parents? E.g. adoption? Although he might be distraught at the prospect of you divorcing at this point, if he is so driven to become a father, don't you think he may wander at some point in the future? You may feel it is better to cut him loose now rather than risk a repeat. At least make him sweat for a good while before you let him back.

That said, some good friends of mine were unable to have children. They grieved it and then moved on and have - for the last 15 years or so - lived an extremely interesting and exciting life doing all the things that having children would have made it much harder to do.

Please don't... I forgave my husband first time round and used to comment on these sort of threads saying how it was hard but how counselling had transformed us and our relationship was solid... You can probably guess why I'm now divorcing him. Yep, he did it again despite me having made all the changes he asked for in counselling and despite us being in a good place. So no, please learn from my terrible mistake and save yourself a lifetime of heartache

I forgave a one night stand we had been married 5 year and together for 9. We have moved past it. So it is possible but when you're marriage is still young and it was a prolonged affair, that's harder to overcome i would have thought

If he was THAT scared you'd leave him, he wouldn't have stuck his dick in a younger woman less than a year into your marriage.

You deserve better. You might not feel like you do right not because you're crushed, but you do.