Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Has your relationship survived an affair??

59 replies

Mariamariasantana · 11/09/2020 15:34

Found out DH has been having an affair for 8 months with a younger, much prettier girl at his workplace. I feel crushed.. But we've only been married 18 months and not sure I want to give up on my marriage yet.. I don't know how I will ever forgive him though. Interested in hearing if anyones marriage has survived an affair and what steps you took to get trust back.

OP posts:
AmandaHugenkiss · 11/09/2020 17:20

I stayed with a cheating ex. He did it again a few years later, and then tried to dangle me along for a bit as back up after I told him to leave. It’s always in your mind and you won’t ever trust again.

I’m now with a lovely man in a trusting relationship and I’ve never been this happy. Cut your losses and find someone who deserves you. You sound lovely, you deserve happiness.

disgruntled515 · 11/09/2020 17:25

I've been married similar amount of time and this would be an absolute deal breaker. If he's doing it after such a short space of time and gets forgiven then he'll do it again. To start an affair 10 months after standing up and taking vows is unforgivable IMO, and to keep doing it shows huge disrespect for you.

If it was after 18 years then maybe things might be different...

StarlightSparkle · 11/09/2020 17:25

My husband had a much shorter affair, we’d been married a lot longer and had two kids. I briefly tried to reconcile but quickly came to the conclusion that I couldn’t stay married to someone who had shown me such contempt. I kicked him out 2 years ago and don’t regret a thing. My advice would be to do the same.

Chosennone · 11/09/2020 17:35

Truthfully. He will never respect you if you forgive him, especially if its quick. I'm hard faced about things like this and would demand a trial separation and insist on the freedom to see other people. If if you don't want to. He needs to see you're strong, independent and a brilliant catch for someone else. Which tbh you are... you deserve better.
It's easy to blame the OW but he made the vows the blame lies squarely at his door. If he wanted an open marriage you should have had the choice to explore too Flowers

Thingsdogetbetter · 11/09/2020 19:39

He will ask for her to be transferred?? Wtf? One, that is not actually possible unless he's her boss and completely lies about the reasons. Two, if he is her boss and does lie, he is completely willing to fuck up her career/job because he couldn't keep it in his pants. So not only has he being a lying cheating shit to you, his very new wife, he's willing to totally throw her under the bus to protect himself. Ffs. This man has no loyalty, no dignity, no morals. He will shaft anyone and everyone to protect himself.

Clymene · 11/09/2020 19:47

10 months after he made those vows to you, he fucked another woman and he's been screwing her for almost half the time you've been married.

Your relationship is dead in the water. His pleas are about saving himself from public shame and humiliation, not because he cares about you.

I'm really sorry you married such a spineless toad but at least you found out sooner rather than later.

user1481840227 · 11/09/2020 19:48

I don't think it will ever be possible to forgive and forget this. It will ruin your life and in years to come you'll look back and wish you had cut your losses when it happened and ended it there and then.

Men who cheat so early on in a marriage seem to nearly always do it again.

As for saying that it happened because he was so upset at the prospect of never being a dad...i'm sorry you tried to conceive and it didn't happen for you and you decided it was best to give up, what this man has now done for you is not only leave you in the same position, where you are coming to terms with not conceiving but now all he can offer you if you stay with him is a tainted relationship, one where you will never feel fully safe and secure and loved and one where his actions will probably wreak havoc on your self esteem and confidence and make you paranoid every time you leave the house. He's panicking you'll leave but he's not the one who has to stay in a relationship where you were shagging someone else!

It's not good enough. How dare he do that to you.
You deserve so much better!

user1481840227 · 11/09/2020 19:54

As for her catching him on a bad day and it progressing from there, well what does that even mean? He obviously enjoyed all of the build up to it progressing and would have had numerous opportunities to pull back from it and stop it from progressing but he chose not to.

And asking for her to be transferred? Why does she have to be the one to go? He wants to stay in his job and stay in his marriage and let everyone else deal with the consequences!

cheeseismydownfall · 11/09/2020 20:27

@Thingsdogetbetter

He will ask for her to be transferred?? Wtf? One, that is not actually possible unless he's her boss and completely lies about the reasons. Two, if he is her boss and does lie, he is completely willing to fuck up her career/job because he couldn't keep it in his pants. So not only has he being a lying cheating shit to you, his very new wife, he's willing to totally throw her under the bus to protect himself. Ffs. This man has no loyalty, no dignity, no morals. He will shaft anyone and everyone to protect himself.
This. Quite apart from the contempt he has shown you, he is now lining up to throw this girl under the bus as well. These are not the actions of a good man. I'm really sorry this has happened to you.
Newbracelet · 11/09/2020 20:32

He will do it again, whatever he's telling you now.

Ladj · 11/09/2020 20:38

I've been through the same recently, found out a couple of months ago my husband was having an affair. We've been together for 28 yrs, married for 20. We've decided to move forward together, but I only even considered it because this has never happened before and the length of time we've been together. I have also made it clear if he has any contact whatsoever with that 'thing' he cheated on me with then it's over. End of. He knows I mean it so time will tell. If I mean that much to him he'll find it easy to stay away.

To be honest if he has cheated on you this early in your marriage I'd have severe doubts about staying with him. One of the other posters on here suggested making plans to leave. I have to agree. It's hard and I can only imagine the pain you are in emotionally as I'm still going through it too and it's so hard to think straight when all you can think about is how you've been betrayed by your partner.

Do you have children together? I hope you don't as this will make it harder. My 17 Yr old son also found out what his dad did and although he loves his dad they don't have much of a relationship anymore, he rarely speaks to his dad and despite what my husband had done I don't want their relationship to suffer, but it's too late now.

Please put yourself first. You deserve so much better, we all do, but if we let these men treat us like shit then they will carry on. I hope you can make the right decision for you. Good luck

Livelovebehappy · 11/09/2020 20:51

I forgave mine and took him back after 20 years and two DCs, when he had an affair and left me for her. It’s 5 years later and I still struggle sometimes with the trust thing, but we are strong. It’s a case of forgiving but not forgetting - difficult to erase it from your mind. I’m pretty sure though that I would probably not have taken him back if he was unfaithful after just a couple of years.

silentpool · 11/09/2020 21:00

You can't control how people treat you but you can control how you respond. He has shown you how he will treat you, so it is your choice as to whether you want that to be your life or not. He wants children and you haven't been able to have them and he has not shown that he wants to be with you, no matter what. I'm sorry OP but there may be an "accidental" pregnancy with someone else and it will be devastating if that happens.

JulesCobb · 11/09/2020 21:10

he said he'll request for this girl to be transferred

I actually think this says more about him than his bullcrap promises. He had an affair with a woman at work. For 8 months. And now says he will request for HER to be transferred?! What the actual fuck is that about?! He should be asking for a transfer for himself. Is he her superior?

blackberryjelly · 11/09/2020 21:19

I've seen this exact scenario played out more than once. He wants kids. It's brutal and unbelievably cruel but he's on the look out for someone else to have them with.

Please walk away before he totally breaks your heart by getting someone else pregnant while you are still married.

Original poster
Mariamariasantana · 11/09/2020 23:10

If he's made her pregnant, that's the final straw. She's 15 years younger than me

OP posts:
Original poster
Mariamariasantana · 11/09/2020 23:12

I think you're all speaking volumes. What man cheats 18 months into a marriage for 8 months. It's despicable. He really must not want to be with me at all

OP posts:
Babaoreally · 11/09/2020 23:31

What are you even thinking to forgive him? If you do he will take it as permission to cheat again, because there is no way someone can break vows so soon without having major issues with fidelity. And you have no children and barely time to amass marital assets. Just go for a clean break and cut him out of your life.
At least you’ve found out now who he really is, not after children and years of loyalty.
The only alternative is an open marriage where he doesn’t need to deceive you again, if that is something you would prefer?

Ullupullu · 11/09/2020 23:31

And surely you don't want to have kids with him any more? You need to be so solid for that. Cut your losses and leave. You'll find someone better

MsDogLady · 12/09/2020 06:17

...he was so upset with the prospect of us never having children this girl caught him on an off day at work and it just progressed from there.

So his cheating is the OW’s and the infertility’s fault? Spare me. He is responsible for choosing infidelity for 8 long months. Infertility happened to both of you, yet you have not abused his trust and twisted the knife. He had a range of ethical options to use to deal with his issues. Making a fool of you and leading a double life with OW are not among them. I think he just fancied OW and went for it.

Regarding the restoration of trust, did he confess on his own or did you discover the affair? Did you see their messages? Moving forward will be impossible until you know exactly what you are forgiving. I wouldn’t even consider staying unless he admitted what he told OW about you, your marriage, and his feelings for her. His hesitation when you asked if he loved her spoke volumes.

It sounds like you are a challenge to him now, hence his sudden regard for the marriage, plus he desperately wants to keep everyone from learning what a bastard he is.

In truth, he is a very bad bet. His character flaws are still present. He is selfish and has weak boundaries. He feels entitled to pursue illicit thrills/intimacy...and will likely cheat again. You know he is capable of massive deception and manipulation.

Are you willing to spend the rest of your life feeling perpetually unsettled?

troublingtimes · 12/09/2020 06:28

I don’t think there’s any coming back from this OP. What happens the next time you face difficulty in life and he has an attractive assistant

troublingtimes · 12/09/2020 06:29

and now the woman has to move job? She’s probably going to claim constructive dismissal! Get out now

Happymum12345 · 12/09/2020 07:03

I stayed with my dh after he cheated on me with an older, fatter & unattractive woman. We had two babies at the time. 12 years later it still upsets me & I feel incredibly insecure. Personally, if I were you I would leave. You don’t have children together. Find someone who truly loves you as you deserve. Thank your lucky stars you found out now.

GreyShadow · 12/09/2020 07:12

t he was so upset with the prospect of us never having children this girl caught him on an off day from

8 months of off days!! Blimey OP, please don't stay. This won't be the first and won't be the last. :(

Can't believe the shit he said!

Apple1971 · 12/09/2020 07:29

@Worakls

Please don't... I forgave my husband first time round and used to comment on these sort of threads saying how it was hard but how counselling had transformed us and our relationship was solid... You can probably guess why I'm now divorcing him. Yep, he did it again despite me having made all the changes he asked for in counselling and despite us being in a good place. So no, please learn from my terrible mistake and save yourself a lifetime of heartache
Yes me too. Worked through the first affair but never really trusted him again so always kept checking just incase. That’s how I found Out about the second affair a few years later.

Now divorced and very happy in a new relationship with a wonderful person. Wish I hadn’t put myself through all that heartache and wasted all those years.

Move on. He’s spent almost half of your Short married life having an affair. You will get your life back together.

Swipe left for the next trending thread