Has your relationship survived an affair??

[Mariamariasantana]

Found out DH has been having an affair for 8 months with a younger, much prettier girl at his workplace. I feel crushed.. But we've only been married 18 months and not sure I want to give up on my marriage yet.. I don't know how I will ever forgive him though. Interested in hearing if anyones marriage has survived an affair and what steps you took to get trust back.

You have to get it into your head that for at least 8 months he was coming home after spending days working with her , finding time to shag her, and then coming back home. Eight months.
Do you think that during those eight months , and when he was with you, he put her out of his mind ?
What about when you was having a nice time at Christmas , out for a meal , or just having a cosy night in ?
All those times during the past 8 months have been wiped out because of this affair. You need him to pack his bags today. You are worth more than ending up with this shitbag .

I forgave a 6 month affair. We were married 14 years at the time. Another 6 years down the line I caught him out again. And there was one other affair in between.

I thought during those 6 years that things were going OK but the trust had gone and I see now I lived as a nervous wreck that whole time. I didn't believe anything he told me.

But I'm battling to understand why she should get transferred? So he can just go back to the easy life with you, as if it can continue like nothing has happened.....

Everyone has off days. We come home and have a glass of wine, a beer or whatever. People don't sleep with someone else because they had a bad day.

The affair is bad enough but these other excuses just make things so much worse imo.

So he was happy starting an affair 10 months after the marriage vows and for half of your marriage, deceiving and lying to you. Then trying to blame her and transfer her out of her job! Charming!!

This will torture you every day of your life if you take him back. Do you want to live life checking his phone and wondering when he’s late etc?. What happens next time he is down, stressed or whatever the excuse was. He will do it again they always do!

Cut your losses and find a man who truly values you.

@Mariamariasantana

If he's made her pregnant, that's the final straw. She's 15 years younger than me

No no no . The first and final straw already happened trust me you won't recover fully from this it's impossible. He's betrayed and disappointed you in the worst possible way . My first husband done that to me after 3 years together I stayed for a further 7 years but it was never ever the same 😒 the bond and trust were gone . I wasted a further 7 years . Don't blame yourself it's never about us it's not about our looks either they are just cheats plain and simple. STOP JUSTIFYING HIS BEHAVIOUR. YOU KNOW IT DEEP DOWN ITS ALREADY OVER . 8 MONTHS!!! Inexcusable. I'm sorry this is going on for you I know it stings x

The first year of marriage is known as the honeymoon period, because as newlyweds you can't keep your hands off each other! But yours decided to stick his dick in someone else 10 months in (and there would have been a build up to that first). Plus he kept it stuck in for another 8 months. Please see that and don't forgive OP

PS I'm sure I will get flamed for this but if the infertility problems are his not yours he has set you free to have the family you want with a better man x

you don't need to make a decision today, tomorrow or within any given time frame. Take your time and do what is right for you.

Do any of your friends or family know? Perhaps lean on them for advice and a chat when you feel down.

Someone mentioned Esther Perel's TED talk about affairs. She has a book which is interesting. I am not saying stay or leave, but explore your options and what is right for you.

And do not blame yourself. You have not been a failure for not getting pregnant. That doesn't give a partner the right to have an affair, that was a choice they made and if he used that as a point then question whether he is worth staying with (in your eyes).

No I didn't forgive and left him. I don't give anyone the chance to erode my well being anymore. My ex claimed to only want me too, but the thing is every time I looked at him after I learnt of his sordid affair was disgust, disappointment and just general anger. This was almost 20 years ago now. The younger work colleague hasn't done anything wrong as she is not the one that made the woves yet he is willing to have her relocate because he could not keep his promises to you. Says it all really

Well - I’ve stayed in a similar ish situation - my dh had a 4 month affair just before we got married with a girl 15 years his junior at work that started when I was 9 months pregnant.

He said it was stress of a baby in I guess the same way yours is saying it’s stress of no baby.

All I can say is 15 months on I still think about it every day although I’m not distraught in the same way I was. We’re ok as a couple again and there are good times - I think it’s more likely I’ll leave than he’ll cheat again as I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to love him the same way again but it’s getting better slowly.

But if you want to stay and he really wants to make it work he needs to start showing you that - he needs to quit and find another job for a start. And agree to counselling.

I’m not sure any relationship ever really recovers fully though

Oh OP. I'm so sorry to read this. :(

That isn't an affair, it's a relationship. It's not just sex for him, there's intimacy there too and for all you know, she knows chapter and verse about the infertility. He may well be suffering a blow to his male pride and thinking that if she got pregnant at least he's fertile.

I have a theory, from personal experience, that women sometimes know when things are not 'right' in their relationship and pregnancies don't happen. Whether that's sub-conscious or not, it was the saving of me. I had no difficulty getting pregnant when I married my now husband.

He's been with you for 7 years prior to your marriage and he made vows that he hasn't kept. There's no going back because, what could he possibly say to top that promise?

I would speak to friends on family in real life and confide what you've said here. Nobody who loves you will put pressure on you to put up with this shitty man. If you stay, you'll forever be looking over your shoulder and you shouldn't have to do that.

Your husband's cavalier 'disposal' of his affair partner that he maybe loves, is disgraceful. He's vile. You don't have children together and that may be a saving grace for you too.

I'm really very sorry.