Heart or Head, the classic conundrum

[Lillie1313]

Hi Gorgeous People,

I’d really appreciate advice from you all.

I’m currently taking a big step in my life, buying a house and moving away from my home town. The man I’ve been seeing the past two years is coming with (although I’m the owner of the house)
We have a gorgeous relationship and he’s kinder, lovelier than my past ex’s and we get along so well on so many levels. I could see myself marrying him and having kids, I’ve always wanted kids since I was one myself (always playing the mummy in the game’s at nursery, you know the score ;)) I know he wants marriage and kids too so I can see this all panning out very happily EXCEPT (and this is the head coming in over the heart now) he has 0 work ethic and hates all his jobs. He’s landed a job currently as a carer but hates it and goes on about how much he hates it but also is negative about every single other option that would suit his skill set. He’s been a chef, hated it. He’s been a hotel manager, hated it. He’s been a hollisitic therapist (this is what his degree is in) and hated it (!) and now he’s decided that he’d like to be a career gambler. This means that practically if I wanted to marry him I’d have to have a prenup so that I wouldn’t take on his debts (he already has credit card debt) and in the long run it would probably be me supporting the family fully as I don’t see him ever making a true income from gambling, as he thinks he will.

I’m keeping myself financially independent of it but it’s really hard emotionally because he bring all the stress and tension of loosing - as well as the highs of winning - to the house and I find it really hard not to soak up other people’s emotions and energy. Only last night he was really down and saying how hard it is but he feels he has no other option and it totally burst the great bubble I’d been in that day. I can’t have another conversation with him to suggest ideas for his future that doesn’t involve gambling “what about running a food truck?” “What about being an online dietary consultant” all met with No. I think the core issue is that he is from a long line of wealthy lawyers and had a trust fund basically until he was 35 and now he’s cut off from easy money and can’t handle having a low income job that is hard graft. I, on the other hand, had my first job at 14 and have worked really hard all my life to get to where I am and don’t mind a bit of graft considering I’m the first person in my family to ever go to uni, my dad couldn’t even read and write until the age of 12... so we’re very different in this respect.

Ok unloading done. What do you guys think !?
I’d go so far as to say he’s a soul mate in that we connect on so many things and he looks after me so well and makes me feel so loved and safe (I know he’d never cheat like my ex’s have) and we have so much fun and adventure together. But this work thing is a really big splinter in the foot of our relationship.

Do you think it could work ? Do you think in the age of modern women that I should accept that a man won’t be supporting the family financially and that I can do this myself as a strong fierce female !? Or do you think it spells trouble and that I shouldn’t consider bringing children into a relationship that is already financially unsteady !?

Thank you all for your advice xxxx

There is always a way out.

Disentangle yourself from this mess by telling him asap that the relationship is over. He needs to further know now that he will be not moving with you.

Christ on a bike OP, cancel that moving truck. Or at least make sure it only takes your things and drives straight past his house.

You are nothing but a meal ticket to him. What is he contributing to your lovely new home? Apart from stress, mood swings and a shit load of extra work. Because I'm pretty sure once his feet are under the table he will be far too busy pissing away money on online gambling to run a hoover round the house.

It is not your job to parent him, control his moods, research jobs. He us an adult, these things are on him. If he is not bringing anything positive to your life he does not belong to be in it. Please set your bar higher x

I haven’t told any of my family or friends because I’m too embarrassed to admit I’ve been dating him and making plans with him while knowing he’s a gambler

So none of the responses can be a surprise to you OP, you are already covering for him socially. Where does he live now, are you already living together or has he got his own place? If you want to continue the relationship for now is would be financially prudent to live apart. Can you really risk him costing you everything you have worked hard for.

does not deserve to be in it* you get the gist

Gambling is a major addiction for some op.
I worked in a bookies and saw it ruin lives. If someone makes it into a way of life for them, they WILL become an addict. And op, the house always wins.

Dont move in with this man. I'm not saying you have to split. But don't move in with him.

I've seen rich men gamble away their fortunes. Poor men gamble away their dole. And many invetween lose their family, their livelihood and their soul to gambling.

I used to put a line on once or twice per week and even then I could feel the pull to gamble more. Even after seeing what it did to some folk. It is highly addictive. And if he seriously thinks he can make it a career (lol) without it making him his bitch,he is a fool.

Did he gamble away his trust fund?

If you're too embarrassed to tell your family about his gambling plans then that speaks volumes, I'm sorry.

I think you should sit him down and tell him that you're worried about the future. Have an honest conversation where you make it clear that you don't believe that the professional gambling will work out. If he gets defensive and upset that's not your fault - you're only stating what 99.9% of the population think. If he says you're a terrible girlfriend for not being supportive then so be it.

Think about what you want. Do you want to be the parent doing all the running for kids? How much maternity leave would you like? Can you afford 9 months off on statutory maternity pay (which is approx £600 a month, not even minimum wage)? Would you trust your boyfriend to look after a tiny baby while you went back to work after 4 months? Do you want to work full-time with a baby, or would you prefer to work part-time? You sound very maternal - do you see yourself as the main care-giver?

One final question - how old are you?

I know this sounds a bit harsh, but I'd be tempted to make a clean break now before you move.

I did something very similar at the point where I moved areas to start a new job. Then DP was a perpetual student, studying for a PHD on a scholarship topped up by his parents that meant he was able to spend time hanging out in bars chatting for hours a day and into the night while I did a long-hours, poorly paid grad job. He very grudgingly agreed he'd move with me, but I had to do all the work, finding where it would be, packing, etc etc. In the end the week before I had a moment of 'why am I doing this?' and called our relationship off. His parents stepped in to bail him out (recurring theme) and he's been the same for the last 20 years. Not stuck to a job, lots of random career changes, every job he hates, has unnreasonable bosses etc. The day I left I felt a weight lift that I didn't even feel while I was there.

Incompatible views on money and ambition are such a minefield in relationships, even before you factor in kids and this whole gambling thing (honestly! He's going to be a career gambler? Brilliant!).

Omg no!!! Honestly you will be wayyy better off without him!!! He does not have the qualities for being a good future husband or father.

People do make a career out of gambling - Victoria Coren, for example, is a professional poker player. I've heard of others (one author wrote a book about it, don't remember who). But the successful ones are usually extremely intelligent people who have other plans in life and only make gambling into a career after doing it as a hobby and realising that it's more lucrative than their real job. Has yours even gambled before on such a scale (in which case, where are those debts from?), or where has he got the idea from? Whose money would he be gambling, if he is in debt?

Reading your title I was all ready to come on here and say "Go for the guy you really love". A connection is so important. But this guy sounds as if he could get you in real trouble. Glad to hear that you are thinking about a prenup etc. Make sure that if you go for the "heart" option, you won't be financially screwed; get professional advice.

You had your first job quite early; did you also have to act as an adult / a parent at an early age? Did you feel obliged to "rescue" them as you are trying to do with your bf now?

If it helps, please keep posting on here and we can be your support group! Seriously, this is a very hard situation but you will be better off in the long run without him. Do not let him move into YOUR house - unless you are ok will fully supporting him and constantly repaying all of his debts for him.

We’ve booked a moving van with all my stuff and his going to the new house together in two weeks time

This is in fact, the perfect time to break up.

Get emergency leave from work. Go home, tell him it isn't working for you and that he needs to arrange his own move.

Oh, before you get home, check in with your solicitor to make sure that they have covered the fact that there is an adult currently resident who has no interest in the property. If that isnt the case, get the required letter prepared pdq and get him to sign it. Only then tell him.

I felt that advice was urgent enough to put at the top of my reply. Here , incase you are interested, is my thinking.

If it were not for the gambling and the now depleted trust fund, I would be asking you only whether you could afford the luxury of him in your life, an adult who cannot support themselves financially. It's really not uncommon for men to have 'wives' , why shouldn't you? So long as you have a robust plan, including generous critical illness / life insurance in place to cover the possibility that your earning power reduces significantly, why not?. The plan would require significant investment, but you would not be well advised to go ahead without such a plan in place.

I would consider going ahead in that basis if he had a great work ethic in an area which just doesn't pay well, and that he was prepared to run your life for you as a traditional wife would.

Gambling - that would be a no from me, as you say, he won't change.

Depleted trust fund - Indicates that he is really just looking to continue his easy life. Whether he can't earn a living, or just doesn't want to, doesn't really change things.

It would be a no from me. I hope you listen to your 'head' before you take on a gambler who hasn't ever earned his own living. PP have pointed out that your history suggests that being the in in charge, able to rescue others, may feel comfortable for you. It may be worthwhile to get some coaching or counselling to help you see any patterns in your life that are not serving you well.

It's never too late to break up.

Now, with your move already planned, seems like an auspicious time to me.

Run, run like the wind. Find someone who is kind and not looking to be kept by you. You are brilliant and deserve so much more than someone looking for an easy life.

You sound young op and like some past experiences have left you vulnerable to settling for someone who is nice to you but actually very flawed. It's not that he doesn't bring money in, it's that he's massively immature and one of those people who wants immediate gratification rather than being willing to put in effort or time to get it. You will lose respect for him if you haven't already and that will translate to not fancying him anymore but then you'll feel guilty and responsible for him and end up wasting years of your life taking care of him when he probably won't have the stamina to support you in return if you ever need it.
You can do better. If you don't want to break up yet, at least don't have him live with you, keep your finances (bills, food included) totally separate. Don't allow him to not be responsible for himself. That's doing you both a massive disservice.

All the nos. Run!

Oh no - even if you love him now, he will put you under so much financial strain that it will be hard to love him later, especially once you have kids. His behaviour would put me off to be honest, no matter how kind he is - he is just not long-term partner material.

However difficult or hard it might feel to disentangle now, it will be a thousand times harder when he is in your new house, with debt, with kids.

Also, another year with him is another year that you don't spend open to what is right for you, another year older when you want children, etc.

He hates all jobs?? Jesus he might become a father and decide he’s not up for that either.

OP, I don’t think ‘soulmates’ is all romance and flowers. A big part of it is being at the same place in life, having the same ambitions and ethics - not one person (you) who has their shit together, and another (him) who is a trust fund baby layabout.

How can you even find this workshy man attractive tbh, he must be great in bed!

I think your previous poor relationships are clouding your judgement. He is a cock lodger in waiting. This is not someone you want to have kids with.

Tell your family and friends, that makes you accountable for your choices. Sit him down and tell him it's over. No long drawn out discussion. You can't see a future, it's over. Change the van booking (don't concern yourself with where he will live or what he will do, that's his problem). Move on your own and start a new life. This relationship is 100% doomed.

Sorry it's hit you so hard, OP. We do mean well. Some posters have been there, some have just seen others there. This might work if you don't want kids but if you do, you need a man who provides stability in some way and even money aside, this guy just doesn't seem to know what he wants or how to stick at things.

I’m sorry op. I can see how hard it is to extricate yourself now. But it will be worse later if you’re married etc. And don’t be embarrassed with your friends and family - they will have your best interests at heart I’m sure. I think it’s good to imagine the future you (if you stay) pleading with the current you to get out now, if that’s what you think is the right thing to do

It's great that you're listening to your head on this. Your head and in fact your instincts are right that connecting your future with this guy would be a very serious mistake. Your heart would tire of him in a few short years, no doubt, especially once you were trying to raise a family with him.

He may be superficially kind and lovely - good at the fun times and the adventures - but he sounds enormously entitled and immature. The fact that he doesn't like any job he does is a huge red flag; and indeed huge numbers of people work in jobs they don't particularly enjoy but they continue with those jobs because they recognise the importance of earning their own living and the financial independence they have through their job.

This is not a man to build a future with.

You have a very difficult conversation ahead of you, OP, but it's the right thing. Good luck.

It would be easier to have a child on your own via a clinic, than risk giving away your hard earned assets to this man. Tell him that you are moving to the new place alone.

I suspect some of your friends and family will breath a sigh of relief when you break up with him.

Christ on a bike, don't be a fucking fool! That's what staying with this man is, completely arrant stupidity. There's no such thing as 'soulmates' and if there were, a lazy, workshy gambler is not it for anyone, least of all you. Bollocks there's no way out. You tell him it's over and make a clean break if you care a single iota about yourself. There's no need for dramatics or 'conversations', etc. You just tell him the relationship has run its course and it's time to move on so he won't be coming with you.

He's an emotional vampire on top of being a lazy, entitled, workshy, debtor and gambler.

Anyone deserves better than this.

He is an addict.
He targeted you.
The “nice” stuff is him manipulating you minute by minute so that he gets to cock-lodge and indulge his addiction at your personal expense and emotional cost.

Everyone deserves and equal partnership.

You don’t even share the same core values.

He has no work ethic. Are you having some fantasy that you can carry on grafting and he will morph into the ‘50s housewife so that you run a family this way?

That won’t happen because he is lazy, manipulative and self indulgent. Such characters are not capable of unconditional love and caring for babies.

You would also end up working full time and doing everything at home because you know what he would “hate being a househusband” like he hates every other endeavour.

You really want to be a Mum - motherhood is a precious gift - he would destroy this for you - it would be intolerable.

Talk to your family and friends. They ALREADY know what’s going on. They will despise him and will be delighted that you have seen the light and will help you.

Please make plans to cut him out of your life. Be ready for the suicide threats, the weeping and wailing as the next level of manipulation ratchets up once you mention leaving. Don’t fall for it (just call the police and request a welfare check for him if he threatens suicide) - get him blocked and recognise that you have just swerved the worst path your life could have taken.

Don’t waste a minute of your finite fertility listening to him further. Move on swiftly and surgically cut him from your life.

You have lots to do to find a real partner to start a family with.

Oh God no. Echo pps who have said it's not about being the breadwinner, it's about being reliable and having a sense of fairness and responsibility (and reality!)