Divorcing a narcissist...do you cut your losses and let them walk away with money or fight them so they get less???

[Divorcinganarcissist]

Oh I don’t know what to do.

I’m trying to divorce my husband. He is full stop non negotiable. His motto is I’ll take us both down, as long as I don’t win then he is happy. So therefore he won’t agree to any settlement that makes me look like I’ve won something. Can’t get through to his humanity as he has none. He doesn’t see the kids, cant negotiate what’s best for them as he doesn’t care.

Do I just accept a shit settlement to save the stress or carry on with court and potentially waste a lot of money but at least he won’t get it!!!!

Of course he won't...he's either a narcissist or a psychopath. You don't really know them until you step out of line, including divorcing! He wants to see you suffer and needs to win. I ended up accepting my ex's original (rubbish) offer, but at least I learned a lot about him and myself along the way. You need to think strategically. It has to appear that he has won. What does he want most in terms of the assets? Can you work out an offer that is advantageous to him (but that doesn't leave you bankrupt)? I didn't get much success myself with this, but it is worth a try. My final position was that I would be exposing his lies to the court which would impact his reputation with his kids, friends, family and business... he didn't budge! I then offered him a financially sweet offer which he pretended offended him initially, but was then quick to accept. It was no more than he had offered at the outset, and 4 years on values had increased by 10% and I had accrued £50k in solicitors fees. He even refused to talk to the judge! His barrister was embarrassed. My solicitor wanted another £80k to continue, so after 4 long, hard years, I walked away. Older, wiser and non-plussed with the long and madly expensive system. At £270 per hour (!) for my crap solicitor (who I was glad to divorce too). Solicitors are really not needed and will just suck you dry - they have zero interest in you, your kids or your outcome. Go alone! Judges sort it out for you and tell you what you need to do...a barrister engaged at the back end of the process will represent you in court. You will get nowhere with trying to negotiate with this kind of person on your own. You will go mad trying. If you can't stomach the court battle (which I couldn't), worst case scenario, if you will genuinely be bankrupt, you can at least get the debt written off and start again... at least you will be free of him.

Lysco
I dont know my solicitor was pretty amazing tbh. She totally got him and the situation. Also you can change solicitors if need be.
My situation wasn't about just the divorce and money though. It was mainly about the children. It took several years and a lot of money wasted due to his deliberate stalling, lying and constant abuse. But now me and the kids live in peace with a no contact order granted regarding the children. Love is good.

Do the court proceedings as a LiP. Engage with him as little as possible, let a judge decide.

if at any point the cost of continuing becomes greater than any potential money recovered, walk away. As a PP has said, it’s amazing what you can go on to achieve once they’re out of your life anyway.

Agreed re Lip and barrister at key points. I spend over £20k before realising this though! And all the other stuff is expensive. Joint expert reports (he wants to fine comb my business account for no good reason), as well as his solicitors being only concerned with prolonging the process to make more money out of him. The wait between hearings is so painful. I’ve offered him everything I could - my offer was simply ignored so I withdrew it, then he complained about that. He’s enjoying having a solicitor abuse me on his behalf and bank of daddy paying his fees so where’s his incentive to end it? The system is unbelievable.