Divorcing a narcissist...do you cut your losses and let them walk away with money or fight them so they get less???

[Divorcinganarcissist]

Oh I don’t know what to do.

I’m trying to divorce my husband. He is full stop non negotiable. His motto is I’ll take us both down, as long as I don’t win then he is happy. So therefore he won’t agree to any settlement that makes me look like I’ve won something. Can’t get through to his humanity as he has none. He doesn’t see the kids, cant negotiate what’s best for them as he doesn’t care.

Do I just accept a shit settlement to save the stress or carry on with court and potentially waste a lot of money but at least he won’t get it!!!!

Take him for as much as you can.

Haha @LilyLongJohn what an idiot I hope he used that hairdryer. I would walk away if I could but I have kids and a chronic illness and I can’t do what I used to do so, approaching 40 also. I wish I could just say keep it and walk off into the distance!

I would fight for what you deserve. Make sure he declares ALL his assets- pensions, savings, shares, the lot. You are doing this for your children as well as yourself.

He is a piece of s**t because he has spent all our savings in the last year at the pub and on random crap, around £40,000 just so I can’t have it. It’s all documented so I hope that something can be done.

My xh is exactly like yours. The court system failed me. Be careful.

You can sit back and take pleasure in his deluded, entitled, arrogant arse being kicked by the law

Get the money. Think of it like the biggest most important job you ever had

Both of these points 100%

Don't engage with any of his fuckery via phone or text. Conversations must be factual only, preferably through a solicitor. Document all harrasment, and if he comes spoiling for a fight call the police and have him removed.

Rooting for you OP.

@OhioOhioOhio that’s what I’m scared of. All the documents I’ve sent to court so far have been amended by the solicitor to not include the domestic abuse because they don’t really care and it makes me look weak, also he will deny it all. I’ve been told to not show any emotion. He will lie his arse off.
I’m sure the judge will be a man and I will get f**d!

Please don't settle for what he is offering, and it really isn't such a fight to get a fair amount for yourself and your children. The court will look at your needs and theirs in determining what share of the marital assets are given to you. His bullshit comment such as paying maintenance for 2 years only should be ignored. Child maintenance is completely separate from the division of other assets and it is not up to him to decide on the duration or the amount. A judge will have no patience for his bullying or empty threats, and remember it is the judge who makes the final award not him. I'm not saying it will be easy on an emotional level whilst it is ongoing, but just anticipate all his threats etc and ignore and just respond with "let's see what the court decides". Please try and get some financial security for your children.

We don’t communicate, he is not allowed to contact me, only via solicitor.....which is even more money!!

I know it is hard. But you have to make it cost him. Then he will stop.

You have to change your mentality with someone like this. Reasonableness is weakness. You have to show you mean business. Men in divorce like to show how tough they are by playing the victim or hardass, and then say to you you are unloving, how dare you, think of the children.

What they mean is think about me. Forget your own interest.

Please don’t. The court is only a place to get money. Domestic abuse is irrelevant to them. Don’t waste your time raising it. I know it is hard but this is about your children and the money they need.

It is not actually about you, how he treated you, or him being shown to be a bastard. Courts do not care. Do not imagine they will condemn him or somehow agree with your decision to divorce.

You need to get businesslike. The biggest deal you ever struck. And that means being really tough. It may take a long time and a lot out of you but work out what your bottom line is, what you need, add a very cheeky chunk on top of that and start pressuring him.

No response? Just keep at it. You have to.

Yes I’m learning @LexMitior the courts don’t like emotion. I filled in some forms the other day and mentioned that he took my jewellery from me forcefully and she removed the forcefully part as it’s irrelevant to him having the jewellery, it hurts not being heard but I guess they hear it day in day out!

No they don’t like emotion.

I can tell you that he is busy playing with your emotions because of your posts, and it must hurt.

But understand this is about money. You can show him that you are not some emotional creature to be manipulated by accessing your toughness, and letting your lawyer take this for you.

Any number of mental strategies may help -

A) imagine him trapped in a bubble, so that no one can hear him

B) imagine you and your lawyer are mates. She is your wingwoman keeping this man away from you

C) imagine him as a six your old boy badly filing out court forms so that he can say he’s done his homework but not really

Get a new mental space. I urge you to play this game with a friend and a bottle of wine. Yes it’s silly but it will bolster you, and do this regularly during the divorce.

@Divorcinganarcissist

So if I continue to push through court being someone he thought I wasn’t and spend thousands he might leave me alone. He has said he is shocked that I’m one of those “women” going after the husbands money, he didn’t think I was like that. Trouble is he only knows the scared women who did anything for a peaceful life, I’m not really like that!

Fight this shitbag, fuck him. Your children are entitled to financial support from father, whatever form this take.

Fight this absolute bastard.

@Sssloou Unfortunately they can and do.

I fought, I don't know any other way.
It might not have been the right thing, who knows, but I sleep easy every night knowing I was true to me.

The biggest victory is knowing I got free (and my new DH of course!)

Don’t bother, your husband will never ever let you win anything. My ex planned our divorce for 3 years made himself practically bankrupt and hid assets thanks ils and friends! I walked away with virtually nothing. Fast forward one year back living in mansion (I was made to sell family home) by judge. Mediation wouldn’t accept him and he abused 2 solicitors so was on his third. Stupid judge gave him the lions share. Yes he has mega money. But I have my freedom from him. But I miss the sentimental things that he stole from me rather than the money. You can’t win against evil. But you can get away and start again. Best of luck x

I’m hoping that as I have the children 7 days a week it will go in my favour as we really need the family home. My husband isn’t particularly clever. He has wasted a lot of money this year and it is obvious so I hope a judge would see that.

I took all the sentimental stuff when I left, no way I was leaving it with him to destroy.

@Divorcinganarcissist

I took all the sentimental stuff when I left, no way I was leaving it with him to destroy.

Good idea. My ex destroyed all my photos and anything else he could get his hands on that he thought was important to me.

Use a solicitor you trust and follow their advice. Don't frame it in terms of showing the bastard or winning or being vindicated. Agree with your solicitor what is reasonably attainable and go for that. Let go of any anger about him getting away with more than he should. You'll just create suffering for yourself if you don't.

@Sexnotgender my husband was more likely to destroy the expensive things, like the house, he doesn’t care about sentiment, he is a cold hearted bastard. But I still made sure I took my memory boxes when I left. He didn’t even know (or care I made them)

I was married to a cold hearted arsehole too. Thankfully when we divorced there were no real assets to speak of. He was just trying to hurt me by destroying my possessions. Photos of grandparents who had recently died etc.

@LexMitior I used to see him as a little boy, picking up his skid marked boxers off the floor with him telling me constantly “why don’t you love me more”, then his temper tantrums....he really isn’t much dissimilar to a toddler so that won’t be hard.

Narcs are damaged people. Never forget that, their arrogance is to make up for their hollowness. Being told how superior they are is rubbish.

All you have to do is look at them very calmly and say how inadequate they are. You can just mentally distance yourself.

Your ex is not special and the courts won’t treat him that way.

I think it really depends on the assets available and how far apart you are
If eg there is £1m and he’s offering £50k then fight it
If assets are 100k a 50:50 would give you 25k but you think you should get 60% eg then no probably not

Child maintenance is separate to this so put in a claim with cms ( assuming U.K.)